couple of frappacinos

Hmm..well, today, I finally got out of the house today..by the time I got my dad up and ready it was already around 3 or 4pm...(he works the night shift and last night...it was kind of funny, everyone happened to call in sick and he was the only one left. Busy busy until around 2 or 3 am. I helped him with what I could..some of those people ask really stupid questions..Questions whose answers are 'if you look on the right hand side, there should be a long bar, if you click on it and drag it down, you can see what is on the bottom of the page.' waste of 20 min. explaining that concept to the man..he's supposed to be a professional, and how can he not know that..) Well.. I made him get in the shower, get dressed and get out of the house. So we stopped at a Quiznos and had a little conversation with Miss Anju Patel...assuming I spelled that right..And then saw the 3rd X-men, which was very good, might I add. I have to admit, I'm such a whimp, I did tear up on one part, lol. Let's see..then he had an 'epiphany' which led to getting me an outfit..(of course, I did pay 10dollars and he paid the last 3) in order for me to model for him. It's very strange...He first he got a female(me) to find a swim suit in less than ten minutes.. which is almost impossible, Not to mention it was a two peice, which I never wear..and never have..but he got me to buy somehow...And now, he got me to buy a pair of shorts...and I also, never wear shorts..lol..Anyways.. I don't believe I am a good model, he's just a good photographer. ;) But I think he was just looking for a good one to paint..as he does need some money..Painting isn't all about the money for him, I know that for a fact..but when we have none, then that's what it's gotta be. Anyways, to finish the night, although I don't know why he was doing this when he had basically no money, a couple of frappacinos...so it was a good day...

Belly-dancing Oranges

“ ‘Orange’ personalities are the creative adventurers in the color spectrum. They have an inner urge to be creative, active, and enjoying life to its fullest….The motivation in life of an ‘Orange’ is based on how much pleasure and satisfaction they get out of their own adventures, challenges and creative projects. They want to live out their own ideas…..Conquering and overcoming the obstacles of the impossible, either within their own mind or within physical reality, is primarily what they are seeking. They also need to convince others of their abilities in order to be in control of their own success…..Sometimes letting go for an ‘Orange’ means to loose control. Relaxation is the key for the balance of these physically or mentally active personalities……They love to discover their own limitations on all levels and then expand upon them…..’Orange’ personalities are the best analyzers and researchers. Theycan easily figure out the patterns, risks, and advantages involved in any project or situation. They also have the capacity to mentally tune into other people, giving them greater command in any situation….the ability to understand what is on the minds of others…..If an ‘Orange’ is not connected to their creative power, they may subconsciously try to control ad overpower others. And on occasion they might even find a manipulative way of achieving results….. ‘Oranges’, for the most part, believe that spirituality and religion are concepts, which need to be expressed in the physical world. In addition, they might have a physical perception of God, seeing that Source or Spirit manifest in nature and in our man made world. They believe in their God given gift to form and shape their own reality as well as the physical reality on planet earth….Their primary goal is to get in touch with their emotions, to bring their heart into their creations and to trust their intuition…..may prefer to live in their own world of adventure, thrill and excitement ….They don’t particularly care what others or society in general thniks about them. Nor do they take judgments personally. They simply want to do their own thing….I think it is important for ‘Oranges’ to find adequate and positive outlets of expression for their powerful aspirations…. ‘Oranges’ possess the capacity to clearly and effectively explain their ideas, and with plenty of fire and courage. Their lesson in life is to express their emotions and communicate through their inner feelings, otherwise they may feel insecure and remain unavailable with a sense of loneliness….while the ‘Greens’ love to talk about everything for hours, ‘Oranges’ need a lot of time to themselves……They do not desire luxury over the needed, and are willing to spend anything, and in some cases, everything they have to make their ideas true, or to prevent some thing they do not want. …They can create relationships that are ruled by sensitivity, understanding and emotional freedom.. To open their own heart is a wonder not to be missed......” well, I told you I’d come back. There are plenty more things I could say, but that should be enough. Anyways, today was an…okay day. I think I may try to find a job somewhere, I need the money! lol..there’s a Sonic down the road and around the corner, but I’m not sure if you have to have a roller-skating license for that..*wink* . A year or two ago, when I was down here, one of my dad’s ex-gf’s took me, on my request, to one of her classes with her. A belly dancing class….I know I know…. You did belly dancing?...yes..horrific, huh? But it doesn’t matter what I looked like, it matters if I had fun! :) anyways..the point is, I’m trying to contact her, because I ‘ve decided to try and take that up again. I need some dancing in my life again…no matter the kind. Not like I’ll go professional or anything, just while I’m here…Now, I just bought this new book and I wanna start reading it..

A Heartfelt cry

Now..I believe I said I'd write a little bit about my aura chakra results. Well, if I repeat myself, I apologize. What surprised me was how big it was..from my view, I cannot tell, but it was around 80 out of 100, which, as the lady I talked to explained, indicates a strong and powerful radiance, other people can feel my strong aura, and I use my charisma and power to reach dreams and goals. As I am sure I mentioned some where, my aura turned out the colors I expected. Red and orange...although, I hadn't expected to have violet coming in on the sides. It can change, but generally, this is what color it stays. (orange-red: artistic, physical-creative, excitement, will-power, energetic, sexual, productive, adventurer....etc). But the chakras are the ones that change all the time, depending on your stress levels or how tired you are, or whatever the circumstance. I was also very surprised to see how open they all were. All were open between 65 and 90%. I wont go too far into detail with what it all meant, but basically, everything is much 'higher'. Life energy and sensual qualities,productivity, emotional expression. My solar plexus was opened the widest, and..I guess means something to the effect of high creativity..intellectual and/or analytical thinking, playful qualities....which makes a lot of sense for that particular day. Other things that were high..were things like, being very heartfelt, radiant, loving and sensitive, strong expression of thought, and emotions, and high intuitive energy, strong artistic, spiritual, and intuitive qualities...*shrug*. "This chakra is located in the centre of your forehead and is often called the third eye. The sixth chakra represents your ability to see and really know truth. When this chakra is clear, positive energy can flow from it freely. Radiating positive energy from your sixth chakra indicates that you've cultivated higher wisdom concerning the important life lessons associated with this energy centre. You're apt to be accepting of the people and events in your life rather than pass judgment on them. You're also likely to have developed a higher level of intuition than most people have." But over all, they were all very balanced........Now back to the aura...It also showed me the balance between Yin and Yang in me. And really...this did not surprise me, both were so close together, there was no telling that it was anything but a thick line. And the more they are on top of each other, the more the male-female energies are in harmony. At the time, it also showed that I was very emotional and sensitive, and maybe a little too emotionally stressed...which makes sense too......and..back to the color thing...lets see... she gave me some things to help a little on interpreting this. According to this, the reds, oranges, and violets show (I'll just list what it has because everything I found was very accurate) ...active, powerful, energetic, strong will-power, sexual, passionate, relates to the physical body, confidence, creative power, productive and adventurous, courageous and relates to emotions, analytical thinker, creative, intelligent, scientific, detail oriented, Intuitive, sensitive, loyal, deep feelings, visual, relates to the third eye. Well..that's that. She also told me that the Yin side of my body has a higher energy level so she asked a few rhetorical questions like, "Are you experiencing physical ailments on your left side?" well...that was the day after I found that I had some unexplainable thing wrong with my left eye. And she asked a few more. She did the same thing after telling me that it shows my head aea has a higher vibration than the rest of my body. Asking...."do you generaly have a lot of do you have a lot on your mind at this particular time?" oh yes, very much on my mind, although I don't care to mention what it was here. " do you believe your thinking is seperate from your feelings?" "howcan you create a peace of mind within yourself?" Well, I have absolutely no idea. Now...for the individual meanings...and I apologize if I am boring any reader to death, but I find all of this quite fascinating and if you have made it this far, then it obviously isn't nearly that dull to you, and you ought to keep reading as it continues on to be as interesting as you thought the first half was, if not better *wink*... Since orange is a mixture or red and yellow, I assume that I would show some "yellow" qualities as well, which is more intellectual and clear focus. Well, orange is supposed to mean I have a strong personality (alright... if you say so), attractive to others (not too sure about that part) and have a warm and sympathetic heart. I noticed also some dark 'muddy' oranges that show I may be emotionally withdrawn for whatever reason. Orange is associated with the second chakra (the sexual chakra) ,with the reproduction organs, intestines, adrenals, spleen and kidneys...I'm not exactly sure why that is, or why you really needed to know that bit of pleasant information either...........well, this is very long already, but I'll keep going, nothing better to do at the moment. There is bright orange above my head and that is supposed to indicate an enthusiastic personality that is literally, bursting with ideas that encourage everyone around me. I'm driven by emotions and inner clarity, also willing to go the distance. But..that is where I also found the muddier orange color which would probably mean that there's some emotional confusion, and frustrated creativity..so to speak...with difficulties finishing projects, etc. leading to more anxiety.(yes, that's me)....A clear bight violet coming in from the left brings me 'spiritual healing powers'. I am a visionary, and understand things intuitively. The dark violet flowing in can mean nervousness , tension, or illness..also bringing a time of withdrawal to "initiate a search into the deep mysteries of life". (*nods*). Now, clear bright violet flowing into my aura from the right shows that I supposedly have a great spiritual insight and that my devotion has a healing effect on others. (very similar to the left side I guess) "Many can sense the power emanating from you. You have strong intuitive abilities, receiving impressions and visions, often without trying. Idealistic, visionary, with psychic abilities " this is what many people who do not know me well, said. There was also a muddy, darker violet there that should mean physically tierd, with maybe some trouble keeping my feet on the ground. I had been walking all that day and really was physically tired. But there are much more deeper reasons for this exhaustion. I will say a few more things and maybe come back later with the rest..because it is all just so awesome, with how very accurate it all is. Whether I want to admit these things or not. so..last, with bright orange in the heart area, it shows that I send energy to others that receive is as joy of life..."sunny, warm, and strong". I have the ability to make others feel comfortable when they are with me and this will assist me in gaining the recognitions and appreciation, that I do not seek-might I add-, for my efforts. The muddy area there, shows great unhappiness, fear, or emotionally based illness. Which may block in my self-expression and relationships might be strained. (which, if speaking of the depression I've had in the past, is very true). I think that that is enough for now, have some things I need to get done.

perfectionist

Been a little busy, so I haven't been able to post something everyday like I should be doing. Well...jeez, it's only Wednesday...lol. The days are going by very slowly. Anyways...not many exciting things that I'd like to mention here have happened lately. Last night, Nadia, my kitten, decided she'd sleep in bed with me, but I almost smothered the poor thing because she's so small. And of course,with her allergies, she sneezed all over me all night. Wonderful........Also, last night, I had the chance to actually have a decent conversation with Tracy, who I don't see much on week days. It was really deep and interesting, mostly about my dad, and also the blended family we have. It's interesting because of how difficult it is to blend so many personalities. My dad is a perfectionist, which is good and bad. Bad because, if he's working on a painting and something not perfect, he'll throw the whole thing out and start new. Bad because he's got 9 and 12 year olds now that he has no idea how to raise because he missed that raising part with me. But he is getting better on that, and is getting used to not living alone anymore. The good thing is, the house will stay clean and things will alway get done..etc. Anyways, my mind has gone blank and there's not much else to say.

Takes after Leonardo

Well, I don't know exactly what to talk about here since there's so much I need to get out, but I can't talk about all of them. I guess I'll go for the more recent. Well, yesterday night..my dad and I and Tracy went to dinner with my grandmother.... (who, might I add, had a one two many drinks the night before...but you cant blame her, from the state she's in). Of course...some how we got on the topic of government cover ups and Shamara, and other things...that I cannot possibly explain here itself, for one, that it is just too much to tell. So, we were there for a while since we got my father off on some tangent. Of course, I'm the only one interested..my grandmother, a little..and Tracy...rolling her eyes the whole time. I went with Dad and Tracy to see DVC again, and it brought more discussion on the drive home, but actually..not the normal discussion you'd have about that movie. Anyways, the point is, all night I'd keep catching little things he said, and having de ja vu, and flashbacks concerning things that my grandfather, on the Rickertsen side, had tole me. He used to live in this area, and he worked in Oak Ridge, the place where half of the fusion bomb was created. He worked with the government, doing heaven knows what. I remember him telling me once...a few things that he is actually 'not allowed' to tell. But he now is in Las Vegas...or rather Henderson, working with the Yucca mountain project..still doing heaven knows what. But I have to admit, I admire him very very much, I lived with him for the first two or three years after my parents divorced, and I just love him to death. He's a wonderful person and you can get into very good talks about books or movies, or sciences or religion, of course, he's all for the physics, which I cannot even begin to understand much of. Anyways, getting off topic. The Hebenstreit side...is pretty small...not much of us left, close to extinction, I suppose. But nevertheless, we've got an interesting history, I must admit. Although our history only goes so far before it comes to an abrupt stop only at my great grandfather who came from germany. There are hardly any records of him, or his life before America, or...his father, and other ancestors, which is quite sad. Anyways, we have many secrets, even among and against ourselves. I discovered this when my grandfather was on his supposed death bed and whispered the secrets to my father. Turns out, grandpa hasn't died. He got well, and the secrets stayed out. Whatever they were. I don't know much about him, other than he's a good man, and very loving, despite a few of his actions. Which can be understood when knowing his past. Knowing all of his past is virtually impossible, you only get a few glimpses. Anyway, I started thinking..of the odd things about me, the odd things about my father, and his father, and the whole family really and how we know nothing of before my great grandfather. As I said, I caught a few things my dad mentioned, and unfortunately, have bitten off more than I can chew. I'm very jumpy now and frightened..which is ridiculous, but I am. I looked through some of my dad's books, and some of his art, where I've found several things. Ironically, he's hiding messages in his paintings as well. But I wont bother to mention anything that I've found as it is completely unbelieveable, even to me. And yet, it still terrifies me..

goodbyes and the apocalypse

Well...I think I'm okay...better than when I last posted. Thanks to a lot of things/people. But I'm leaving tomorrow. I just went around seeing everyone I am going to miss. I was riding the bus home, with a friend, Christina. She'll be moving to Portland a week before I get back. Oh that was a really sad goodbye-forever. She was crying and I had told myself I'd be fine, but just 'cause she started to cry, I did. I think I mean a lot to her. I helped her through a lot of things, with her family, and otherwise. And have done the best I could to get her to feel better about herself. We'll keep in touch though. When I said bye to Jen, she started sobbing into my shoulder...I didn't know that I was loved so much. That I'd be missed that much. I know I've helped people, but I never knew that it meant that much. I hardly try to take the credit for anything I do, because the credit doesn't matter to me, you know? All night, until now, I've been packing the last few things, and I let Emily come and 'help'..but she ended up sitting on my bed coloring a picture for me that I'm "not allowed to see until I go on my trip". I went over to her, and decided to explain that I would be leaving for a very long time, I wont get to see her for a long while. So she asked if I missed her when she went to her first dance class that morning. "Yes, Em, I did." And I suddenly realized how much I'm going to miss her and I started to tear up. So she reached her little hand out and moved my hair out of my eyes and told me she'd miss me too, and that it will be okay. She doesn't understand exactly what 'missing' is, she's only four, but she knows that when someone cries, you say 'it'll be okay'.........I have been very excited for this, for sooo long, it seems, I've waited. And now that it's here...people decide, now's the time to tell me that I mean something..and suddenly I'm torn with whether I want to go or not. Of course I want to go...it makes much more sense, it's my family..my dad. He's missed most of my life and he deserves something, esp. on his birthday, the birthday I've never been there for. Besides, I'll be back soon enough......Anyways...an update on everything else...lemme quote a friend "Life's a bitch sometimes, but it's for a reason" True dat..it's hard, believe me, I know...but you learn things, and that's the point. It's all leading up to something in the end. I'm not so sure how much I believe in God, or all of those things they teach you in church. But I do know, that even though the book of mormon and the bible may tell us a lot about what this is all about..it also says, that there are many things yet to be revealed. We'll never know everything, at least not til' the 'end'...the 'apocalypse'..the 'millenium'. Whatever you want to call it. We can't even comprehend all of these things..We can hardly comprehend the expanse of the universe..so..I think I'll just wait patiently, and do what I'm told...or what I am told, as long as I feel it is right.

The illusion?

I think..I've decided..I really hate love. It's just an illusion. Maybe it is just how I'm feeling at this moment, and I'll discover otherwise later, but this is my blog, my journal, it's meant to have the feelings of the moment written in. I can't say that I won't ever love again, that I don't love right now..I just hate that I have to feel it. Life would be so much easier if I didn't care about people so damn much. I some times wonder who has the better life; the ones who care only about themselves and how to get your money, or the people who helplessly devote themselves to everyone but themselves.....I know that I'll love, I'll keep loving, it's inevitable. But I'm not sure how easy it will be for me to risk anything again. Then again...to contradict myself, I'll end up doing it again, because I know I can't live on my own any longer. You'd think with how much 'experience' I've had, it'd get easier, but it doesn't..it only makes you crave for it. Even if it is simply a hug, or a shoulder to cry on...or just someone...anyone... listening to you, as well as letting you know that you're needed. I guess..really...I don't hate love, I just hate a lot of things that, ironically, come with it. I really hate lies, pain..anything negative, yet I'm always caught in it. I guess this is just a healing process that I need to go through to learn to let go some times. To learn how to care, just a little bit, about myself. ...Anyway...I don't know what else to say now.

miracles or magick

There had been a talk given a while back, for a church program...I really liked it...I mean, I should not give Dallin Oaks the only credit, because there were many other very good talks spoken then as well. He gave a few examples, out of thousands that he could have said, of miracles related to conversion. He started that section with a verse I like, (2 Nephi 26:13) then said a few stories, who many of these people were in that very room.........For example,we know of many cases where the Lord has been manifesting Himself to men and women in the nation of Russia, so recently released from the long grip of godless communism. While reading critical or mocking articles about Mormons, two different Russian men felt a strong impression to search out out meeting places. Both met missionaries and joined the church.....A medical doctor in a villiage in Nigeria had a dream in which he saw his good friend speaking to a congregation. Intrigued, he traveled to his friend's village on a Sunday and was astonished to find exactly what he had seen in his dream--a comgregation called a ward being taught by his friend, who was their bishop. Impressed with what he heard in repeated visits, he and his wife were taught and baptized. 2 months later over 30 others in their village joind the church, and their clinic had become the meeting place......A man I met from northern India had never even heard the name of Jesus Christ until he saw it on a calendar in the shop of a shoemaker. The Spirit led him to a conversion in a Protestant church. Later, during a visit to a distant college town, he saw an advertisement for an American group called "The BYU Young Ambassadors" (love these guys) During their performance, an inner voice told him to go into the lobby after the program and a man in a blue blazer would tell him what to do. In this way he obtained a Book of Mormon, read if, and was converted to the restored gospel. He has since seved as a missionary and as a bishop......A little girl in thailand felt a memory of a loving Father in Heaven. As she grew older, she would often pray and counel with Him in her heart. In her early 20s sshe met our missionaries. Their teachings confirmed the loveing personal feelings for God he remembered from her childhood. She was baptized and served a full-time mission in Thailand......Only 5% of the people in Cambodia are Christians. A familt in that country was searching for the truth. While their 11-year-old son was riding his bicycle he saw some men in white shirts and ties showing someone a picture and asking who it was. He felt he should stop. As he watched, he was prompted to say, " That is Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and He came to save man." Then he rode away. It took the missionaries a month to find him and his familt. Today, the father is a counselor in the mission presidency......(and this is my favorite...) Last June,a family of 5 visited the open house for a new chapel in Mongolia. As the father walked through the door a powerful force went through his body, a feeling of peace he had never experienced before. Tears flowed. He asked the missionaries what that amazing feeling was and how he could feel it again. Soon, the entire family was baptized....These are only a few examples, there are thousands more.

Segassem Neddih ....hehe

Well, I said I’d come back, I’ve not had such a smooth couple of days….I’ve been doing some tarot lately as well. This morning I did (just as I was (gratefully) interrupted by the person I had been waiting for in the 1st place) a recent past card, a present card, and a 3 month future. Which all turned out quite accurate. So I get these daily horoscopes sent by email to me…and they’re from a very reliable source, and so far, have all been true. Tuesday I am going to try to get a picture of my aura, I’m desperate to see how it turns out. If it do, maybe it will answer some questions. Something…um…strange….I had another one of those dreams. Well, this one, I only remember ,if anything, short flashes and short things that were said…and I almost never remember what the words mean. While having the dream, I understand them, but when I write them when I wake up, I don’t know what they mean or what language they are…..(bit of an interruption, Evan just played me a new song. “ Living in Your Letters” by Dashboard Consfessional) ..Things I remember from the last one...Well, I won't decribe the events her/e, but what I wrotedown this morning was...only three words.. 'ashwani' 'kelcuara' 'ashwin'. Since I'm not very experienced in languages, I've absolutely no idea what language it is, if it is a real language, or just babble, I haven't been able to look them up yet either. Sounds African to me, but what do I know. And it's not like I can ask someone, they wouldn't believe my story.....Well, enough of that, a couple/ of days ago...I was driving passed a few canals and it was terrible. I kept seeing police men parked by the canals, and the men were searching the water. And I kept praying that there wasn't a kid to look for. But later, it became obvious..They were searching for a ch/ild. I don't know why it gets me, because it's happened plenty of times before, but I just hate to think of it. And the police, not knowing to look for just a child, or (hopefülly not) a floating corpse. Anyways...none of that sad stuff...I think I may have some r/ingworm, at least, that's what I think it looks like...(heh, that's what happens/ when you actually want to pay attention in a health class you didn't purposely sign up for) I'm sure moth/er has some kind of cream that'll take it right away. So no worries with that....Today, somone, I can't remember his name, but he gave a very good talk in church on womanhood and quoted sayin/g something I though was perfectly said...he said that 'Eve was created by a bone taken from Adam's side. Not a bone from his head, where (symbolically) she could drool over him, neither from a bone in his fott, so that she is trampled over, but a bone from his side, his middle, which symbolizes the duality of the sexes'...I think that..a man can't degrade a woman without degrading himself, and a man can't elevate a woman without elevating himself. Am I right? or no?

Bravo Mr. Howard...Bravo.

Yesterday, I was almost worked to death…I swear, one more moment and I would have been unconscious. But then again, I’ve had to work harder than that before. But still, hard labor from 8am to 5pm with no food breaks…not that I’d even be able to eat the food considering my mouth is still sore. But with all that…I still managed to go to The Da Vinci Code..that night…wasn’t going to let anything get in the way, even sleep. ;)
So, I went and saw it, even though I couldn’t get any friends to come with me. It was very good, I thought….bravo Mr. Howard. I think I liked the ending in the movie a little better than in the book. *shrug*….anyways, it made me think…think again of the possibilities of those things being true, I am not fully sure of what exactly I believe in, religion wise. I’ve been missed up a lot. (but my problem might have been wanting someone to tel me exactly what is true, whats not, what’s good and what’s bad. What to do, how to be…etc. and the religion I was born into, although most people don’t realize it, is very open. Sort of self-propelled. There are many possibilities. You receive your own revelation…etc.) anyway, what I was thinking of is that it makes perfect sense for Jesus to have been married, whether to Mary of Magdala, or someone else.He was sent down here to be an example to man of what we should do, and how we should be. Isn’t marriage on God’s list of things we must do now, here on the earth, or in the next life? Well, yes, it is…so why on earth would Jesus come here to be an example and do everything except marry? Everything except marry, even when God tells us to do it when possible…all the same, it was commanded as far as I know. It is shown. Let’s see…Genesis 2:24 I think…….and going off that point…I can see why people like the character Silas, would think that they must suffer as Jesus did on the cross. Jesus was our example, maybe those people think that it was just another thing to do on that list. Which it wasn’t, isn’t. The atonement was not done so that we could later punish ourselves for our sins. Jesus felt the vicious pain from every consequence of every sin each one of us makes, and ever will make…he felt it, and endured it, so that we would not have to endure those consequences ourselves. Everytime you ever lied, cheated, exploited, libled, killed…etc. and everytime you will, another drop of blood fell from his pours while in Gethsemane, so that is you can humble yourself enough to feel sorry for what you did and ask, God can forgive and forget, and no one should ever remember what you did after you repent, even you should forget what you did….Well, anyways, like Isaid, I’m still deciding what things are true and what aren’t. 2 Tim…I believe says something to this extent… ever learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. I think that’s where I am…or maybe I’ve come to the truth seceral ties but didn’t spend enough time learning about it. Jesus was a man, a human being. He could heal, walk on water, perform all kinds of…what the church like’s to call, miracles, but call them what you may, miracles..or magic…all the same, he was a man. And I believe that if you have enough faith, you can do whatever you want..as long as God wills it. You can walk on water, like John..or maybe it was Peter…all the same, he did it with Jesus, Jesus wasn’t the only one and Jesus didn’t make him do it. People can heal as Jesus did. I’ve seen it done numerous times, esp. with people who hold the right keys. I’ve seen it, and I’ve experienced it…three times that I can remember…I know it works. Olive oil, a blessing, and enough faith, and there you go…..anyways, maybe I’ll ocme on again later and write more about my average life…heh…like about aura’s and ringworm and anything else that’s happened lately.

hm..

well, I think I'm going to go see DVC Sat. night...yay! This has got to be a short post though, I meant to stay longer, but the numbness in mouth is fading and now I can actually feel the pain...
Well, I suppose there's going to be no point for this, but I'll post it anyways, tons of things I wanted to say...

Saints and Soldiers

Well, I went back after graduation today and heard Evan and a lot of my friend sing and play in the orchestra..they sounded pretty good. Well, afterward, Kaje and Garrett and I went over to Fongs, and well, I dont know exactly how it happened but, we got a phone call and for some reason, that I still don't really know, my step dad was really mad at me...and so I went home right away, it was a funny experience though...because I really wasn't looking forward to going home, so I was saying how I didn't want to go home, but was anyway, and just as I was walking out the door, the little chinese waitress came over and said 'don't forget your fortune's '...okay...so I took the cookie and the fortune inside said "Your home is a pleasant plave from which you will draw happiness" .....lol, it was the funniest thing....I never believed in those things..but who knows.....Anyways, I don't know what reminded me, but last night/morning I decided to watch this movie again, 'Saints and Soldiers'...I had only seen it once, after Evan found I hadn't seen it so he went out and bought it so I could...But I think it is one of my favorite movies...I don't know...it's just really really good and even though it is a little sad in some parts and I must admit, I did cry the first time I watched it. But it's about time they point out that the soldiers on either side are the same, just with different uniforms. And the reason it's one of my favorite movies..isn't just because theirs a mormon in it or that it is based on true event....I just like it, I don't know exactly why...but it's just so good..even though you do need to know a little bit about the rules of combat, and some german would be nice..to understand it fully. But it is still very good....

back and forth

Well...I've got my excersize for the day..Jerome....the driver of the bus I use to ride home, didn't show up. So..I walked as far as mollie's (who's, btw, Dad got his job back!! :) ) house..used her phone, no one home. I called Evan..said he was all the wait at Maveric, and of course...a bunch laughing girls in tha back round, so he must have been busy...(NO I didn't mean that as a perverted remark), and so I start walking..And what are the odds, eventually, Garrett shows up, and takes me the rest of the way. So that's my little adventure....Have nothing else to do at the moment except write this....I know, I'm pathetic, maybe I'll come back later and write more...interesting things.

boring old...

Well, I've some advice for everyone out there..don't ever let me near another woodworking...etc. tool again...lol. I'm just not cut out for the job and let me leave it at that....Well, a few days ago, I could tell something was bothering Mollie, and I asked her and she told me that the school system has decided to change their computer system so that it require only one worker rather than three..which means that he dad lost his job. And to be fair the school had to open up the new job to the public, and said that the news of who got the job would be out last friday, and it still has come...it's a terrible thought...There are not many jobs here that he could get. Unless you work with the University, there not are many opportunities out here. They've already not got much and they'll some how have to come up with the money to move to a bigger sity like Boise or SLC where there are more opportunities. But we're still praying that he get's it. I've known her for about 7 years now, and I dont want to lose her. Unless of course, if her dad doesn't get the job but he gets a better paying one somewhere else, maybe that would be better for her family..maybe they'd all tone down a bit and all be happy all the time. I don't know what to wish for. Anyways..Tomorrow's Senior graduation..So, I'll be in school for only a few hours, and I'm going to miss all of them, or at least the ones I had the chance to know. After graduation, they're gone no matter what they say.....Well…there were a lot of other things I was going to say, but have decided against it and deleted them. So this’ll just turn out another boring old post.

Shall I fight for it?

I know that it is not good to want a thing too much. And it is said that humans are never quite satisfied, that you give them one thing and they want something more. But then, is it wrong to do everything possible to carry out a goal, or plan, because you want it bad enough?.....Simple projects started are rarely finished with me. Anyone who knows me well enough, knows that I must have just the right motivation in order to finish something, or to obtain something I want ( whether it be happiness for myself, or the chance to conjure a smile on some one I love's face.) . Otherwise, I'll easily give up on the thing. It is as good as dead without the right motive. But there are times when even I want a thing bad enough to work and fight and sacrifice for it. Because a strong enough plan once made and visualized becomes a reality along with all other realities, And that plan is then immune to be destroyed, but easily to be attacked........You can call me selfish for sticking to my plans and dreams when I do come to one I want bad enough..but I believe that if it is really worth it, you should do everything to get it, to get there. You should be willing to fight anything that gets in your way. I guess this goes along with that poem I posted some time ago........See, some people will finish everything they start, will get everything they want no matter what it takes. I am not one of them, but I am also not the lazy person. For me, finishing what I start, or getting what I want...must mean something...it must make sense. Sure, I'd love to havve money, I want money, as every soul does somewhere in them, or at some point in time. But it is not what matters most, it is not worth the fight, at least not compared to many other things...But if a person wants something bad enough, they'll get it.

It is no longer reality

Just a little insight, I think there is a point when you fall away from facts and it’s no longer knowing, and seeing and reading, it is feeling. In music, there’s a point when you no longer see ‘f’s’ for Forte, you don’t see dynamics, or notes or names or instructions…there’s a line you cross when you can’t see them anymore, but you know them, you, instead, feel them. In art..you no longer think ‘perspective’ or ‘proportion’ you just feel it, and it comes out. And in math, you stop seeing the numbers and instructions, and you suddenly understand without having to think about it anymore. You just know and feel. There is just a line you have to cross…and you never know when it’s going to happen. Some people break it early, and/or become prodigies. Others, it comes later..and some, not at all. I think it is a wonderful thing to be swept away in, to not even think about it, you just feel, you just sink into emotion…

It is just about him..or is it?

I’ve never really thought much about my own role models…I never acknowledge that that is what they are..there are just so many of them. I thought I might write a bit about my own father, who’s just another one of those wonderful people I love and admire simply because they are who they are. Anyways, James is his name, and one of my favorite names, always thought of naming a child after him. He was born in Roswell, CA, and he only had two siblings and he is the middle. He was born into a Catholic family and after meeting my mother, he converted to LDS and because of that they were able to be married in the Atlanta, Georgia temple. They did have financial security and my grandfather was an Engineer in computer technology. One day, as I realized I hardly knew anything about him….I asked him several questions..and here are a few… “What are your most memorable spiritual experiences, if any? Lots, too many to recall, I have had many visions and spiritual experiences both good and bad in nature, but all learning experiences and life enhancing in one way or another Do you have any special backround and/or traditions? Artistic talent runs in family/ No real traditions. What kind of relationship did you have with your parents? So so, not real close, occasionally we were but we didn't talk much. What is your main goal in life? Be happy and make others happy, be a teacher of life and a good friend to others, love thy neighbor. Most memorable school experiences? there are so many..high school or college or both? Art, sports, awards, scholarships, academics...so just ask for specifics(making winning shots in basketball games, going to district championships in both basketball and tennis, graduating college with a 3.9 GPA and winning three Art scholarships, etc...) What makes you happy? ;) My kids. What makes you sad? when there not here with me. What hardships have you overcome? can't really recall anything that was ever to difficult to overcome in my life, without a little hard work and determination. I know if I put my heart, mind and soul into anything I would be able to overcome. What do you most enjoy doing with your family? spending quality time together, going places, and doing things that are memorable and will leave a lasting impression.. What do you enjoy doing in your spare time? Playing Basketball and Tennis, reading sci Fi books and researching ancient cultures and current events on the web, seeing a good movie, going to the book store and of course doing art……I love him to death, he’s the kind of man who is sensitive yet very strong physically and mentally, and protective, yet knows where the line is. And you automatically know that there’s a gentle person inside when someone loves animals, or an animal, as much as he does. He loves cat’s, and does everything for them, if they sneeze, he’ll get them checked, he’ll get medicine and tie them down if they don’t want to take it so that they will whether they like it or not. We all cried when Coco died…an unknown disease, that couldn’t be fixed, all we could do is watch him slowly die. To him, Coco was like a son, to me, like another brother. I’d known him since I was born. Well, he likes to have fun, he’s a crazy driver, but if he knows that there is danger to me or him or anyone else, he’ll control it, but he just likes the speed. He’s the kind of person who, when he slams his daughters hand in a door and kills the nails, will do anything to make it right, and when he is alone, he will cry because he hurt his baby. When he was boy, he’d do anything to not end up in the ‘geek’ crowd, and if he wants enough, he’ll get it. He made it to the basketball team in high school, despite his height of 5 ft. something or other. (which I’ve rapidly caught up to, or am almost there, but probably never will since I’m probably done growing…you never know though.) He’s an introvert, and artsy, and open-minded. Unlike the majority of people in this world who’ve got their faces pressed so close to the picture that they’re not going to see anything but what’s straight in front their eyes..He’s taken a step back from the picture, as I have, and now can see the entire piece. He’s the kind of person who thrives on the pleasing of others to the best of his ability, and on the smiles he creates…anyways, that’s enough for now. If he ever happens to read this, he must know, I love you so much, with all my heart, and hope you always remember it!

another day..

ah..I feel so bad! I invited Amalia to something tonight, because I really wanted to see her before I leave..she went and asked her mom and her mom didn't want her to but her dad said, maybe they should let her go. After he left, she slapped her and called her a manipulating bitch and said that she hoped to hell that she loses all her social life...or something like that, I wasn't paying much attention to that last part, as I was really really shocked and angry. I knew it was in her, you can just tell when you look at a person's eyes, and no matter how nice you precieve them, they can't keep their eyes from betraying them. I noticed it came out more after her brother died. But I feel so bad for Mollie. She told me not to worry about it and that she was used to it..*sigh* I still feel responsible somewhat, I got her motivated to ask by telling her that Cory would be there. And she really wanted to make it up to him because he asked her out and she really wanted to say yes but her parents wouldn't let her and it crushed him.
Anyways, I took Jessica to lunch today, thought I might spend a little time with her since she is my step sister..and I hardly get any time with her, yet I found out indirectly that I’m her role model…that was a while ago though. It was much more expensive than I thought it’d be. Then spent most of the day working on this presentation, I’ve got to teach a class Monday. So excited.. Well and tonight I’ll most likely be going out. All the hours it took on the computer to work on that has taken a toll on my eyes and head, so I’ve got to rest them somehow. I’ll probably end up at Jen’s…maybe listen to Taylor and his band work on new songs, last night was Alex’s last concert, and I wish I would’ve gone. They needed the money, and the support. But since Alex is going on his mission, they’ll get a new guitarist and keep playing for at least another year. I’m thinking of getting their CD, it’s only 5 dollars after all, much better price then any CD in stores. Those cost so much more, 20 or sometimes up to 30 dollars. Well, that’s what burning is for *wink*..everyone does it so often that it shouldn’t even be illegal. And no one takes it seriously, esp. since they don’t go around raiding houses for them. Anyways, that’s my day so far…don’t think I’m up for another night like last..but we’ll see what happens.

Here I am

Well, it's official... James: ah...well, guess where we're going? Jules: where??James:http://site.williamhenry.net/index.php?option=com_content&task=blogsection&id=8&Itemid=29 Jules: Yay! James: Just you and me... Jules: wow, but wasn't it that only 40 people could go? and those tickets..they costed so much...well, nvm, THANK YOU James: I know, but I called William and he said there were still a few openings Jules: *hugs* I love you! James: I love you too!---and it goes on, but I'm so excited! Gotta love your father for doing things like this for you. hehe...okay, so maybe I'm a little unusual and rather than getting excited to go to a football game that night, I'd rather go to this. But I suppose you have to know my person to understand. Well, I'm really excited because I want to see the Athena all finished. I saw it once a long long time ago when there was no gold on it..but I still thought it was beautiful, and I'm excited for other things too of course.......Anyways, in school, I think I'm doing much better, though today I had a hard time, for some reason it felt like I was in a fever all day, and short of breath. But I should be fine by morning..maybe with some rest, I can get by it. I'm working on getting my Algebra grade up, I made a few mistakes at the beginning of the Tri, so I need to make up for them. hmm...what else have I been up to..Well, I just finished this really good book, or I thought so..'Homebody'. And just a few minutes ago, read this short little story I found. "The Pearl" John Steinbeck...It was really interesting, and I liked the meaning in it. All about a Mexican Indian family, who find the Pearl of the World and can't decide whether it was a blessing or a curse. There was a lot about music in there too, so naturally....you know..Anyways, wont spoil the story here. Hmm...well, I've heard that the Da Vinci Code didn't turn out as well as I had hoped....but what do they know? I'll have to give it a chance myself...although, it's very likely I wont be seeing it for a while. I'd like to say that it is worth it to spend my money on, but I need it for things more important than seeing the movie as soon as possible. Well, the last movie I saw was Walk the Line...I think the majority of the reason I got hooked to it was the accents..reminds me too much of home. But I loved them, June sounds just like my aunt..esp. the way she talks to her daughter on the phone....Home. That word has a lot of meaning. It's the place you feel safest..The place you feel happiest..not necessarily a physical house made by man. The ending of a poem, 'Hear I am, at the door to your heart, at the door to my home'... But on the other hand..I think that, speaking of the physical home, I have..I feel more at home down there, in Georgia, and Tennessee...than anywhere else I know of so far. I know those forests and towns and cities so well, even when I've not set foot in every part..somehow I still know them. They're all still a part of me. But only about two more weeks... Fancy that, the way time flies, but now it's going to go incredibly slow just to torment me....One of these days it'll finally click with me that I've got to monopolize myself, or life's just going to be a waste...

Eyes

Well, I've gotten my eyes checked again, and hooray! I'm hoping that when the glasses come in, these headaches will stop. Well, he said that my eyes are a little rare and unusual, because there's nothing wrong with the right eye other than...like, some odd capilaries, or something unexplained to me. But there is something wrong with my left eye, it is farsighted and he said there might be this strange buldging on one side, the veins buldging or something like that. But he said that he wasn't sure whether or not to be concerned. Anyways, this constant eye fatigue has really been getting to me, I'm working my right eye to death since I read so much, and that includes reading music. Well, lets see, what else has gone on....well, Friday's the day! lol, like I said, been waiting for about a year for this. I just hope that Tom Hanks does a good job of his part since I pictured him completely different....hmmm..well about two seconds ago my dad introduced me to a new artist, I think she sounds pretty talented, not usually the stuff I listen to, but I can't say it's not good.
http://www.sammimorelli.com/ Anyways, I've gotta get dinner ready...

That illusion is beautiful

okay..so that song (on the last blog) was a little cheesy, but it sounds better when it's sung. Anyways, the other night..I watched the sunset on one side of me and the moon rise on the other. The moon was beautiful! It was the biggest moon I've ever seen, so low to the horizon and bright yellow too. It was so big it was unreal, although, I know, it being so close to the horizon, it was only an illusion, but I dare say that illusion was beautiful. And I went over to Jenna's and it was a much better view. As Jenna would tell me, that I have a terrible view from livin' down in the ghettos. Up there though, on what long-time Rexburgites would call 'snob hill' (which makes sense since there are some beautiful houses up there and thats the rich neighborhood) Once you get over that rise, all you can see is miles and miles of fields and hills all the way up to the Tetons. So we walked out to the hollow cause we couldn't keep still. And all the way, watched the moon rise and get whiter and brighter as it got higher in the sky. Eventually, we realized how far we had gone and that it was probably passed midnight. We figured, once we get back to 'civilization' we ought not to travel along the roads. University/college campus towns are always some of the most dangerous places, esp. for young girls. Even that Teddy B. had been here before, picking up college girls, and chopping them into pieces. Of course, Jen, being the cocky person she is, thinks it doesn't matter, she'll rip them to pieces with her own teeth. So it took a while to convince her otherwise, that faced with the situation, she'd not be able to kill anyone. anyways, festival went good, I got 99 points this time, and a trophy..since I’ve got about one more festival to attend before I hit 1,000. Go me. And the recital that day had a lot bigger audience then I thought. Oh well, I only had to play one song and free refreshments afterwards, what more can I ask? Anyways, today was mothers day, I wasn’t sure how well that would go over with me. Yesterday I was a little upset with her ,and actually showed it..and there was a little bickering…but I think it’s okay..I can’t change her. So I better accept her. No matter how much I miss her. (if you think about it, that does make sense.) So I got up early, made some blueberry pancakes and eggs. Went out and cut some flowers, made a bouquet and voila! Happy Mother’s Day! breakfast in bed and a beautiful bouquet. At least I caught her before she got sidetracked by the computer or something. Well, that’s about all I can say for now. I’ve got to go call another mother of mine who lives across the country. Three weeks though, three weeks.

Misery Made Beautiful

I’ve had these lyrics a while and have not yet written the music out yet, though I have a tune…but I’ve had these ones for ages...I just don’t know if they’ll ever be sung for someone and somewhere other than my step sister, Jessica, and my bedroom. It is a little long though. I’ve got others but I think I like this the best.. Sometimes even I don’t know why I hurt/ why every day is just another I didn’t die/ And I know that’s not how it should be/ I know just how I should see/ But I cant seem to look at the sky/ without seeing all the bad things gone by. (all the bad things gone by) // Then you came to me/ and you set free/ That demon in me/ That demon in me/ Then I saw your face/ It lit up the place/ How’d you come to be?/ An angel cannot be/ But you’re there in front of me/ And angels can be (Angels can be)// You said, I will see you again someday, just go and find another in the meantime/ But I can only hope I didn’t/ disappoint you, again/ Because I tried to escape this desire/ The yearning to be near you ((forever))/ But this is where fate has led me//and I can’t help remembering… When you came to me/ and you set free/ That demon in me/ That demon in me/ When I saw your face/ It lit up the place/ How’d you come to be?/ An angel cannot be/ But you’re there in front of me/ And angels can be (angels can be)// So I’ve chosen to stay/ sorry to disappoint/ But I’ll be here waitin’with the hope of/ One day, in the arms of the angel/ Misery made beautiful…right before my eyes.

Can't refuse the chant

Well, finally have found some time during this very busy week to actually write something. Today I had election assemblies all day and then a meeting… and I just have to fulfill every promise I make, so I had 5 min. between the time I got out of the meeting drove back in town, then went to tend some children again. Who, btw, were unusually behaved and less hyper upon my arriving. Nevertheless, they were excited, I could tell. But I couldn’t say no to tending them because what can you say when Anne tells them that they’re looking for a babysitter and the kids start chanting “Julie, Julie, Julie..” etc. Well at least, it’s nice to know that I’m loved. And it’s not like I got incredibly bored after making them dinner and settling them down to watch their “Bob the Builder” and “Pocahontas” movies. I mean, picking out all the burnt kernels in the popcorn so the don’t choke on them can be mildly entertaining. And when they ask how old I am this time, hurrying to encourage them that they’ll catch up to me eventually to prevent the exertion of bodily fluids from eyes..is okay too. Then I decided to make use of myself and I swept, washed dishes and cleaned counters…etc. and of course dedicated some time to school work and thinking. And how I’m so eager for the 19th to come sooner! Hm…esp. since it’s not usually a thing a teenage girl would be looking forward to, maybe not even a teenage boy, but I am extremely excited! I’ve been waiting for at least a year. Anyways…after this I’m going to head over to Jen’s to say one last goodbye to Nonika. Who’s leaving to be her mama’s mother’s day present on Sunday. Going back to Taiwan. Take me! It’s only really sad and depressing because she’s not really coming back this time..Saying goodbye this afternoon was bad enough and Amalia was on the verge of tears, so I was practically holding her til we got out of the building and to the bus. I’m gonna miss her so much. EFY was last Saturday. It was wonderful! Though lengthy, at least I got a bench rather than those hard folding chairs. (Though the bench was squeezed tight and a certain someone sat next to me for purposes he refused to admit.) 8-5pm…long, but good, and dancing a few hours afterwards in those heels killed me. But I think it was worth it. Those talks were awesome and they are both wonderful people. One thing I got out of it that was said in directly, was that you don’t have to give into desire just to quench it, you just need to have self-control, just control it. And at one part they showed some survey where teachers from the 1940s and from 2000 were asked what sort of things they have to put up with in schools. 1940s- running in halls, talking in class, chewing gum, not throwing trash in the wastebasket…etc. 2000- rape, murder, pregnancy, assault, stealing, abortion…etc. Just goes to show what kind of a sick world we live in now. Anyways, more about The best of EFY some other time.

This isn't, he isn't, you aren't, I'm not.

Have you ever had one of those extreme feelings of unreality? Where you sit there and suddenly something..or everything, is weird. As in, you think, wow...since when was the sky blue, I just realized how strange that is. Or, you'll be in the middle of a conversation with your best friend whom you've known for years, and suddenly...you get this strange feeling, just that it's all 'unreal'. They've been your friend for so long, and suddenly you can't see that anymore. And yet, you're aware of this all the same. This rising feeling of unreality, that he isn't real, this isn't real, you aren't..comes, and you do everything possible to fight it back, because you say, this is stupid, of course it is, of course it is...what am I thinking? and then you lose it and you notice little things everywhere...every little thing comes into focus. You see this or that suddenly, when otherwise, would've never noticed. Look, shes got a new freckle on her nose..hey, suddenly, I smell the scent of jenna, a couple minutes later, here she comes. And all at the same time, it's unreal to you. I don't know any other word for it...no other word to describe that feeling other than sort of dreamlike, yet, somewhere, you know it is real. And there's sometimes a slight feeling of panic that always comes with it. Pressure on your chest and sometimes lightheadedness. I guess it goes along with how...I do this thing sometimes, and I really dont like it, but if I unfocus my eyes, or they do it themselves, I don't ever pull them back out...I mean of course I do eventually. But it's hard, it's like a force. And I've got to get my mind stronger than that or I'll never see...well...I''ll never see normal or clear.....I guess, again. Both of these things have happened since...well, a long time. I'm not sure when but lately I've noticed them more. And I don't like it, I don't like the feeling, and I don't like not having control of myself. I dunno...I guess I was just thinking about these things and...thought I'd write them down while I could. I don't even know if they made any sense.

MY opinions...you don't touch me, I dont touch you, you touch me, I slap you... unless I like you.*wink*

Well, somehow...people are finding out about me. I have no idea where, or how. But lately, people have been asking me, whenever the catch a hold of me, about my music and such. Yesterday someone caught my arm and asked if I'd be their guest performance. umm...sure, no problem, time, date? and any requests? I'm not so sure I'm liking it either, I'm half and half. Every human likes to be noticed, and suddenly, after so long, I'm being noticed, and I never ever saw me going anywhere with this music. I've used it for myself all this time, it helps me. But, wow, Where are they getting this information? I knew I was supposed to be in the newspaper, but I never saw it, and I was in there as the loser, assuming I was even. Anyways..I am not accustomed to having much attention, and now I dont know what to do with it when I do. So anywho, I think I'm really starting to hate a lot of guys...not all of them...but a lot of them. TWICE today....twice. Okay, so I got it pretty good, only two times today. Could be worse, has been worse. hmm..Not to be racist or anything, but I just realized both were mexicans. No offense to those Mexicans out there. I've got a lot of friends who're Mexican, and they're great people. Anyways, so it bugs the heck out of me when you can't get a guy to look at you in the eye, or even the face....you're always trying to give them the message...' up, UP! my face is up here...not there..... couple more inches and you got it. perv.' So I can deffinately deal with that...not a problem, I can understand, that's just the way guy's are..right? OKay...but NO touchy. You stay away from me and I'll stay away from you, though I know that's not what you want. They give the stupidest *if that's a word* reasons too...'*slap* whoops! sorry...' 'whoops, it was an accident.' 'Just, playing a game...' ah, shut up. I dont even know you, and frankly don't want to. Hm...oh yea, and I really hate it when they make those crude comments, or they call you just to ask if you'll do the backround sounds like you're having an orgasm, for their newest song. Oh, sure, I'd love to. Nothing would make me happier. Lol, well, now that that's out of the system, I think I've got a pretty good point. And my opinions on this probably have a lot backing them up. Six things I probably don't know about you? okay, 1- I've always had that side desire to become a beautitian with cutting and styling hair. 2- I'm claustrophobic. 3- I don't drink coffee 4- I've mild OCD 5-I sometimes get panic attacks for unknown reasons. Or something called 'night terrors' and 6- I've got either bright green eyes or pale blue eyes depending on the way you look at them. *and btw, that wasn't random...*