Reminder #4

I love you.

Rivers in the sky

I just saw the most amazing thing.

So, here I am, minding my own business when, from the corner of my eye, I see that the small view of sky I get from the kitchen window is blacked out. I'm a bit perplexed...but can't be too bad whatever it is, right? (Alright... the first thought that entered my mind was "The Apocolypse", I admit...so what?)

Anyway, so....I venture out to the back porch. I saw the most amzing thing, like nothing I've ever seen before. Thousands and thousands and thousands...probably millions.... of swallows dotting the sky. They made it look as if I were looking up at a black ocean. It was like a swarm of locusts, except you could still make out the sunset backdrop.

At first glance, it looks like a perfect example of the "brainless" chaos of the animal kingdom. But then, as I watched them just pour across the sky above me from nowhere, my eyes adjusted and I could see... there's all these intricate patterns. Looping and following, periodically some stop for a rest, while others rise higher. It literally looked like rivers flowing above my head. Rivers whose evolution is being sped up right in front of me while I stand still in time. Changing paths. Winding and weaving. Splitting and converging.

Then suddenly drop. Disappear into the forest. When someone shoots a gun in the air and something completely indescribable happened. They all flew into the sky at once like an upside-down tornado funnel forming in less than a second. And in that fraction of a second, the sky was covered again...

and I guess everyone had arrived and it was time to set out to the south! Got a big journey ahead!

I suppose that means I ought to buy a winter jacket soon, eh?

"It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird; it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad." -- C.S. Lewis

kee-oh-kah

I've discovered frutarianism! Ya hear that?! Trioxypurine is addictive!!

oh god... what's wrong with me.


Let's see... well besides that.. I've made a mess of my room and yet I've finished packing. I'm tempted to just throw it all in a box and take it to good will.

Tonight, I'm going to this astronomy thing with Dr. Ciocca.......I wonder what the origin of that is... ciocca....Well, first name, Marco. It must be a romance language. Spanish? na... He has an accent but it's hard to tell. I think it's Italian. I'll ask him.

Tomorrow, I get a minified(hey that's copywrighted, thank you) birthday, yipee!

and then.....the dreadful Redeye. :( I'm so nervous.

http://fruitarians.blogspot.com/

farewell again

Today was fun to watch.

Full of halfhearted goodbyes. But that's okay; I got balloons, a pencil made from recycled jeans, and a peck on the cheek from my genuinely sad filipino buddy.
Welp, out for two weeks now.... fun fun. What shall I do?




The kosher diet is goin' pretty good so far.

We are all EARTHLINGS

I think I'm slowly turning vegetarian without my realizing it.

Several weeks ago, I found myself exchanging great vegan recipes with someone... and way too excited about it. And I didn't even realize...

A few weeks ago, I found myself on the "peta2.com" site, from some flier....that's self explanatory. And I didn't even realize...

A week after that, I find myself refusing a hamburger, chicken burrito, and pork chops(although I don't eat "pig" anyway...) all in the same week, for seemingly no reason. And I didn't even realize...

And today..I realized. And, I say.... must not fight it :)... I'm taking one step at a time. I'm officially hereby declaring that I shall consume "kosher" exclusively.

...and we'll see what happens then.... ;)

"For as long as men massacre animals, they will kill each other. Indeed, he who sows the seed of murder and pain cannot reap joy and love." --Pythagoras

"The time will come when men such as I will look upon the murder of animals as they now look on the murder of men."-- Leonardo da Vinci

As of April 30th, 2005

http://philinthecircle.com/art.html

Houdini

It's the 81st anniversary of the death of Harry Houdini... Oct. 31st, O7

Wonderful guy, very inspiring..

I am tempted to hold the traditional locks séance that his wife started after his death....y'know, just for honor.

"I think that in a year I may retire. I cannot take my money with me when I die and I wish to enjoy it, with my family, while I live. I should prefer living in Germany to any other country, though I am an American, and am loyal to my country" -- Harry Houdini

"Only one man ever betrayed my confidence, and that only in a minor matter."-- Harry Houdini

“My brain is the key that sets my mind free.”-- Harry Houdini

...venis'mecha

I blew up dry ice today.

hehe..

I was kinda fun. We were supposed to put it in a plastic tube, and use plyers to sqeeze it shut and then hold the whole thing under water to see how it will turn to a liquid and then as soon as it does, you let go of everything and it will become solid again.

Well, me and me partner put a big chunk in there...my partner's sqeezing it to make sure there's no leak and I've got my face two inches from the cup...

"I don't see it liquifyi--AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *that's a scream*" kaboom. The whole thing pretty much blew up and I was soaked, but it's a good thing I had something covering my eyes.
It was kinda awesome though, even the clenaing up part :p
I love blowing things up... hehe

hmmm...
what else about today...
OH I've been washing my hands every two seconds because some kid got a really bad case of staph.
AHH! And all that candy going around?? Eek. But.. at least I have the comfort of knowing if one or two other people get it they'll close the school. . . .
Jeez.....what's wrong with these people. Why wait for another victim?

anyway..
oh yea!
I've had Hava Nagila stuck in my head all day... (you JEW!) hmm hmm dee doo doo hmm hmm dee doo doo hmm hmmm deee doo dooodummmdeeeee doooooooo.....hmmm hmmmm narenana...hmmm hmmmmm narenana...

that's pretty much my day.

"...as natural as a gorilla beating his chest" -- Stephen Colbert (I vote for you!!!)

All Hallow's Eve

Hmmmmmmm...

Samhain...(I think pronounced "sowen"), basically just means "November", if you're speaking gaelic. Somehow this celtic "november" festival was attempted to be made more "christian-like" by the invention of "All Saint's Day" and has now evolved into some kind of odd, get-candy-and-loose-teeth festival.

We parade in the streets in the dark, posing as ghosts and demons who've travelled through the legendary oh-so-thin veil of this night. Partying, jack-o-lanterns, apple bobbing, trick or treating, candy, candy, candy, and most of all fear.

Fear and adrenaline rushes are the most important aspects of this holiday. Haunted corn mazes and houses, scarey movies, dark corners, strangers jumping out at you...At the moment, when the heart is pumping and our senses heightened, breathing harder, we say.... "I wish I wasn't here, I'm gonna die, something's gonna jumpp out at me" But you know you don't really mean it, the minute it's over and you've calmed down, all you can think is, "that was awesome". It's like some kind of drug. Adrenaline.

And you can't forget the vandalism and the "hitn runs". TP-ing and Egging. No wonder the city's a mess by the morning. Just make sure not to have any enemies and enough candy and treats for bribery.

Hence, the origins of going from door to door saying "Trick or Treat".....Although alotta people are annoyed with the constant knocking from dusk til dawn, they ought to be greatful that the kids are offering a choice; "If you give me treats, I won't steal your front gate." Eventually people just leave buckets of candy on the front porch and lights shut off in hopes for a good night's sleep....Au contraire, lemme tell ya, from a yungun's pov, that's simply provocation. ;)

Halloween in our lovely Mexican subculture of America is celebrated as "Dia de los muertos"....at least I think that's what it's called...Anyway, "Day of the Dead". Now I really love this festival. It's centered around remembering and honoring those that have passed (possibly contacting considering that legend of the thinning veil this time of year). They make shrines and leave gifts. They also use this time to shove the idea of death into the minds of the children...That yes, it's going to happen no matter what. BUT, what I love about it is they dress up in colorful costumes, skeletons and skulls that are clown-like, with flowers painted on them and bright designs, everyone is happy (piñatas are an amazing concept, hehe, who wouldn't want to beat the hell out of something and get candy for it?;) ). The purpose is almost the opposite of our so-called "americanized" version, whereas they want to emphasize that we will die...yes... but it is absolutely nothing to fear. Be happy, enjoy life, and don't fear death when it comes for you.

Anyway, I just love this holiday...so fun...

dum da dumm dum dum

There's nothing interesting to talk about in my life right now. I don't know what to write here...that's why I end up rambling on about nothing and everything. And that can be dangerous.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Kentucky is soooooooo booooooorrrrrrrrriiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnggggg...............I don't see how people can live here! What do they do all day? How can they stand it?? There's nothing to talk about here...

And I can't understand half the staff at school. Their accents are so thick, it's crazy. And it's the annoying kind... I mean, my dad's family, they've got an accent too but it's a good one :) makes me smile. These Kentucky ones.. ugh :( I'll sit there staring at the person, they've been talking for a minute and I'm still back deciphering the first five words. I'm like, sorry... I haven't an iota of what you just said, but it's giving me a headache... and walk away. lol

Ugh...

I dont know what else to say anymore...

wow, posted without a title....oops

Oh wow.. I just realized, I posted the wrong link to the wrong song on last post...

Fixed it now...good song....
:)

Anyway...
nothing too exciting to catch up on. I've been painting tonight... making a big mess of myself. Nonsense paintings. "Accidents". Oh well... I came down here in the studio to work on some homework....lol... I guess I got distracted.

oh I went to the flea market today.

I think I might not go out in public ever again.

Maybe it was just one of those days... when you get extra chest-and-bum-staring. But it drives me insane. What's wrong with these guys? I'm not showing anything off purposely... I dont have "anything" TO show anyway....I don't think so, at least. . .

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I think I'm going to bite the head off the next guy I see whose eyes are glued to my breasts.
I don't understand? ARe they completely oblivious? or what??
WHY? why do they do that?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm

I hate missing things. :( it's so sad. Missing is a horrible emotion......I guess it's okay in some cases...but I just miss so many things, including but not limited to, people...it's so overwhelming. I guess, though, it's in a way related to desire. You can't miss something if you don't desire it.

anyway, it's too early in the morning for this rambling.....I think it took me over and hour to write this :p

Feeling sad for girl without a hug.

This is a perfect song for someone I love very much. But sad to say, accuracy would be darker, "crueler" and if it turned sides.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cpSv2mNhhc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNQu9rP7xwI

'Crop circles in the carpets', being her own.
'Holding their heads heavy' ought to be their shame for her treatment.
'Trains and sewing machines', a wasted white dress, a wasted wed.
'Oily marks appear on walls', where pictures of fake happiness once hung.
'The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life.'
'Trains and sewing machines ...Oh, won't catch me around here...' no, not ever again she won't.
'Blood and tears.... They were here first...'
'ohm, what'd you say, mmm, that you only meant well? Well of course you did...'
'Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth' throw excuses and superficial masquerades out. 'Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs '
'You don't care a bit' no, you never did.
This game of conditional love.
'Hide and seek', the game of love, life, loneliness, mistakes.

"hide and seek" --Imogen Heap

People

I had some interesting interactions with people today...

This morning, I told off a couple of mexican guys for picking on this little boy. :) but it was alright, I surprised them. Qué haces a ese muchacho pobre, tu hijo de la puta? I gained some respect 'cause I'm a girl, and I cussed 'em out in their own language :p So I got one of their hispanic "Respect, respect" ghetto shakes. hehe....

I also found out this kid I've been treating like a little brother all this time, well... I found out he's had sex three times. So hmmmmm... now it's a little odd to tease him and stuff like that....oh well...welcome to america.

At lunch, this girl ran up to me and asked why I hadn't congradulated her for her anniversary yet... I said, I didn't know she was married. She said, oh no, I'm just engaged. To who? Betty Simmons.
Hmmm...I mean, I know I have alotta gay friends but never any that were planning on gettin' married. She said, as soon as they graduate they know this priest who'll do it for them.... CAuse you know, it's a big controversy... Gay marriage. I say, what the hell... do what you want as long as you're happy. Good luck.

On the bus home, I think I made that little chinese girl's day today :) See, I can imagine she has a horrible social life, because of her limited english you know, So.. I asked her name (Su Fu? or Su fui? not sure the spelling) and where she was from and said "Ni Hao" she had the biggest smile on her face, you can't imagine. I guess it was just a reminder of home, familiarity, or maybe just that someone talking to her. In any case.... I was glad to make her smile for once.

Anyways...that was my day.

It can't wait ramblings

Oh no!
I'm falling behind...

Here's an update, I'm feeling so much better than I have been! Classes are still boring, but I'll make it fun ;)
I'm trying to stay positive, confident, happy, hopeful :) No more complaining!! Try new things.
Enjoy this last month before things go haywire again.

What? You don't think I can do it? Seeing as...every other time, it hasn't worked. BUT! I am NOT giving up ever again.

Hmm.. well, spent yesterday down in TN visiting family. I didn't realize how much I missed it down there. I thought... a little farther and I'd be in Atlanta! Although, from what I hear, they're giving it about 2 months before the city runs out of drinking water. Drought. :( The lake is at an unimaginable low and they found out the extra water was being channelled down to florida to keep two endangered species alive. Say what?!
Yeeea, don't get me wrong but... C'MON! Save the fishies and muscles or save the people?

Ah well, things'll fix up soon enough.

Well, I outta go now. Promised to call the mama and ....Got two big projects due this week.....bleh.... What's the point? Okay, yes, there is a point. But I'm leaving here soon, and who knows if they'll accept the credit's I already have?? oh well...things'll fix up soon enough.

I've decided to live life to its fullest...No more saying "It can wait."

Para tu perfecto, ojos morenos, Mi amor...

os"Ojos Asi" --Shakira

ayer conoci un cielo sin sol/ y un hombre sin suelo/ un santo en prision/ y una cancion triste sin dueno

ya he ya he ya la he/ y conoci tus ojos negros/ ya he ya he ya la he/ y ahora si que no/ puedo vivir sin ellos yo

le pido al cielo solo un deseo/ que en tus ojos yo pueda vivir/ he recorrido ya el mundo entero/ y una cosa te vengo a decir/ viaje de Bahrein hasta Beirut/ fui desde el Norte hasta el polo sur/ y no encontre ojos asi/ como los que tienes tu

rabboussamai fikarrajaii/ fi ainaiha aralhayati/ ati ilaika min haza lkaaouni/ arjouka labbi labbi nidai (not sure about the arabic transliteration...)

viaje de Bahrein hasta Beirut/ fui desde el Norte hasta el polo sur/ y no encontre ojos asi/ como los que tienes tu

ayer vi pasar una mujer/ debajo de su camello/ un rio de sal un barco/ abandonado en el desierto

ya he ya he ya la he/ y vi pasar tus ojos negros/ ya he ya he ya la he/ y ahora si que no/ puedo vivir sin ellos yo

le pido al cielo solo un deseo/ que en tus ojos yo pueda vivir/ he recorrido ya el mundo entero/ y una cosa te vengo a decir/ viaje de Bahrein hasta Beirut/ fui desde el Norte hasta el polo sur/ y no encontre ojos asi/ como los que tienes tu

le pido al cielo solo un deseo/ que en tus ojos yo pueda vivir/ he recorrido ya el mundo entero/y una cosa te vengo a decir/ viaje de Bahrein hasta Beirut/ fui desde el Norte hasta el polo sur/ y no encontre ojos asi/ como los que tienes tu

Reminder #3

Do you want to succeed? Really...do you?

Then live each moment, every minute, every second....that's where success comes frmo.

Get up and do something! Stop wasting moments!

Lyrical

Well, I'm still feeling a bit like that "3rd possibility"...mixed with a bit of the 1st possibility and a dash of the second... ;)

But that's okay... because somehow, inspiration as suddenly poured out on me.

I wrote lyrics last night......Strange, I've never been much of a poet, and yet..... I put my pencil to the paper and there wasn't a pause in its movement.

I also spent some time dancing last night... from about midnight til 1:30ish...inspiration from nowhere again...It was lyrical dancing this time... Something I've grown a bit fond of, but not planning to pursue classes etc. Just maybe a good hobby. Looking back on my ballet days ;) ...But it was so strange.... I know when you watch somebody dance one, you think, oh that's easy, anyone could dance like that, anyone could move like that, it's just random. But it's not. I had tried it before, and it was more difficult than expected... but last night... it just came to me... all the movements. Every so often, I'd stop... and wonder... Wow, that was an awesome move, how did I do that? Where did it come from?

I remember I watched someone do a lyrical dance to "The Scientist" by Coldplay once. And I cried. I know, no surprise, eh? I'm a baby...but hey, I think anyone would have. She was amazing. I remember her fluid movements were so beautiful and fit just perfectly. When someone dances like that, it draws you in, on an emotional level that's unexplainable and you feel with them, you feel the passion and emotion and the meaning.

I think if I get feeling okay, although I doubt it, I'll hope for more inspiration from nowhere and make my own dance to "The Scientist" or something like....what do you think?

"You wouldn't worry so much about what other people thought if you realised how seldom they do. " -- Eleanor Roosevelt

1 2 or 3 ?

Life is so crazy. I don't even know what to talk about here now.

Even though on the surface of everything it looks as though it's not all that crazy for me right now...I mean, what with me on holiday for a week, yet seemingly bored out of my mind, getting nearly nothing done, being lazy, etc. But the truth is... I don't feel like doing anything. I keep telling myself, why are you wasting time? There's so many things that need to be done, so many things you've wanted to get done (or started)...what are you doing on your ass all day? Part of me says..."I'm gonna be lazy, because I can, because I need to."

So the truth is... I don't feel like doing anything. I feel exhausted.. and I haven't done anything! So I was trying to figure out why I am feeling this way...ill and exhausted and tired and weak...and I've come up with a few possibilities...

1. I really am ill, something's wrong health wise and it's just a matter of letting myself rest and regenerate.

2. Maybe I'm just sad... Missing people... or someone....? And it's making me not feel like doing anything and the fact that i sit around doing nothing everyday is what is making me sick....

3. Or.... It's just hit me. Every now and then, through all this crazy mess of a life, I fall down. Although...there's two ways I usually might fall down in these "now and then's". One is falling down and really "hurting" myself, breaking down in the way that I'm so depressed I feel there's no reason to live. The other, (this is the one which I'm referring to as the 3rd possibility) and that is... falling down, but not breaking down emotionally.... not completely at least. Okay, it's actually not really "falling down", it's more like laying down. I still love life, I still want to live, I still have my hopes, it's just one of those lonely moments... one of those "wishing" moments. One of those moments I half want to get up again, and the other part just wants somebody to lay down with me. Just take advantage of being able to lay down, having time to.

So I'm not depressed... not sad....Okay, a little sad, but it's the healthy amount of saddness. Okay...the slightly less than healthy amount, yet, not so much that it's such a bad thing. Maybe I just need to catch my breath. I feel like I'm in a dream...I feel like I'm floating... Everything is so unreal, and it's nto really registering very well with me what's really going on, what I'm really into, what is going to happen...but mostly..what has happened, everything that has happened for weeks, months..years. It kinda makes me just want to forget about how sick and exhausted I feel...and just....just let it be...let them come... reminisce on memories...good memories, sad memories, memories that make me cry, moments. I think maybe I need that...maybe that's what this is telling me... just let go....stop struggling... relax...relax...Relax before it all begins again...this way, you'll be ready, you'll be okay, you might actually look forward to it. New beginnings, new struggles, new saddnesses, new happiness, new moments, new people, new capabilities to be discovered. Breathe...breathe...then, chin up, you can do it! And best of all, you're not alone. No reason to feel alone this time.

I think that 3rd possibility might be the most accurate.... ;) But who knows?

"Never, never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill

http://youtube.com/watch?v=xXaRT8CXmGE&mode=related&search=

Women in art.

Mesmerizing ;)

I think all artist's think alike.....and it is just known that the woman in a painting is the epitome of Beauty.

As some have tried to convince me, I disagree... A woman painting a "woman" should not be "ethically" verboten.

There are few things that measure up to or are more magnificent and mysterious and hypnotic than the human body. I am not saying that as an opinion, I'm saying it as it is. If you claim to disagree, then there is something seriously wrong with you.

"I paint self-portraits because I am so often alone, because I am the person I know best." --Frida Kahlo

"Sometimes the painting starts to relate very directly to either sights seen or experiences felt, other times it just goes off on a tangent that you really can’t articulate." -- Susan Rothenburg

What's the worst that could happen?

He's got a point. I think I'm convinced.

I might be using this approach to solve all of my decisions now... If only I had come across it sooner.

the taboo

AHHHHHH....!

So I was just reading this article about a "polygamy rape case"...and you know how off to the side sometimes, they'll have "related" links...well, guess what the links listed were...

"Mormon ringtones", "Are you a Mormon convert?", "Learn about Momons?"

. . . . . . say wha?!

AND...the "related" book ad's at the bottom...

"The Kingdom of the Cults", "The TRUTH about Mormons", "The Cult of the Suicide Bomber", "Releasing the Bonds: Think for yourself"

WTF?

That is truely pathetic....

I just don't understand why the hell people have to make up shit about other religions just to make themselves look better....THEN the people they tell the shit that they make up to actually end up BELIEVING it and then it spreads and eventually becomes just one big stereotypical, generalizing, discriminating extravaganza!

Why can't we just get along....?? why why whhhhyyyyyy?????

"If ya can't say nothin' nice, don't say anythin' at all" --Thumper!! YES, a bunny has more sense than you judgmental meanies of the extravaganza....

PICKLES

It's fall break and I dont have to go anywhere for another week....

Yay!! Sleep in....be lazy...don't do anything I don't absolutely have to do.....y'know... like eat....that's right up there next to breathe.

Jeez......

I'm bored out of my mind.

What to do but blog about limitless boredom?

I woke up to sirens this morning... those damn sirens....although, no surprise... I could wake up to a cats purr across the room. Anyway...get this, THIS is how bored I am.....I'm so bored that I woke up...didn't want to actually get up so my mind starts running...and you know what I end up thinking about?? I start thinking.... hmmm... I wonder what it'd be like to think in a different language? Do French people, do Indian people think in a different language? Hmm, well I just pienso es interesante. Y I just love the way suena. Sería fenomenal. WHOA! AYEE!! What just haappened?! Holy shitaki mushrooms! .. ahora eso era cool....

I know.... I'm odd......I know....

Oh! but it's gonna rain today, that's happy...That reminds me.... I think I'm gonna have a pickle and peanut butter sandwich today. Nasty little booger, it is.... but it's sentimental. :) Don't you ever do things, no matter how much you hate it, just 'cause it's of sentimental value?

Kite Runner

Ah.....delaying the premiere of the highly anticipated "The Kite Runner", based on Khaled Hosseini's novel. Now, why isn't this surprise? hmmmmm...

It is sad that the actor's parents requested the film be delayed at least long enough to allow them to flee the country (Afghanistan). It's sad, but I'm not surprised....there are many controversial themes and scenes in the book. Sensitive issues, yes... but it's just not right that it should anger people so much that these actors fear for their safety.

In any case... I cant wait for the film to be released. I watched the trailer...and it reminded me....

No book has ever caused these sort of tears to run from my eyes before. It's impossible to describe what Hosseini's writing has allowed me to experience. Nearly every emotion expressable by a human was touched upon. I found I could relate in such odd ways, yet direct ways to this story. It taught me so much. It helped me get through a very difficult time as well....strange, being such a miserable book, but so uplifting. At one point, I had to put the book away for some time because it was just too much.....so much coincided with me that I just couldn't take it. It had been fate too, I know it, I ran into the book in a way that isn't explained in any other way. Kept pushing itself into my life for years...and it took this long, it took a knock on the head to finally get me to pay attention. I don't think I'll ever read a book that will affect me as much.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=-1Ivdc76nAY&mode=related&search=

decisions...

...decisions decisions DECISIONS!

that's all I ever have to do!!

"Choices are the hinges of destiny." --Edwin Markham

just thinkin...

I love the way... after a night of rain...the morning brings the thickest fog. You can't hardly see 3 feet in front of you...But...you can smell the sweet smell of the ozone...and through the fog you can see the little dew drops on magnificent webs. Spiders seem to love this vulnerable time. When your senses are confused by all the beauty, it's easy to fall into the trap.

Yellow is Hope

I was thinking...

My life is in such an odd spot.

Overall, I think there is one word that can describe what my life is, at least what it is right now...and that's "hope".

That's really all it is, all that makes it up, through and through...no exaggeration...

I am hope, everything I do or think or say is hope.

Every next thought I have is in some way connected to hope, and though it seems in a distant manner, it is so close to really being hope that it's hardly distinguishable.

Alright, that made no sense...What I'm trying to say is...

I feel like I dont have anything right now, all I have is hope. So being hope may not be such a good thing in some cases, but a fabulous thing in others....See...I am not living in the moment in the sense that... I am not here, I am there...drowning in hopes. I hope for this and that to happen...but nothing is within my reach. Everything that I hope for is beyond it... so I just have to wait...'til the one thing that will boost me closer comes. But waiting, leaves me daydreaming. I wont get anything done, nothing to the best of my ability, because my thoughts are not here, they are there. The funny thing is, there's nothing that can be done about it. Unless of course, I can some how morph the hope into some kind of incentive to actually focus. I know I need to focus, but I just don't want to.... Because when I dwell in my world of hopes, I smile. I laugh. I am excited. Never do I feel better. I think about next spring... going to Sacramento...new slate...everything I want to learn...everything I want to accomplish....everything I want to see and do...everyone I want to meet. The list continues...on and on...but I dont expect things to go quite as I hope...after all, nothing ever does. And that just adds to the anticipation. Risk, curiosity, mystery, never know what's gonna happen....even though I seem to get into a lot of bad luck...each time, I learn something. And yes, slowly but surely I am teaching myself how to deal, how to cope, how to be happy no matter what, how to not care what anyone else in the world thinks...things will get better, things will get happier, things will be perfect!

"But sometimes math is even more magical. Like when you toss a couple numbers in the crucible of a function box, and no one sees what goes on in there, but they come out the other side, they are multicolored dancing digits of phenomenal cosmic power.....Just sometimes one and one turn out to be worth more together than you would imagine." -- My teacher, The Melissa

Oh my, that moon! I smell change on the wind....

Well, today seemed to be no different than any other average day. Except my tummy hurt a bit... Damn that full moon.

Teachers pushing your limits...Seeing just how far you can go, and giggling all the while. No mercy, I tell you, none. Must be a full moon.

It was actually a rather quiet day...Seems like most everyone decided to stay in bed and play ill today...either there must have been a lot of unnecessary tests scheduled, or it must be a full moon.

I had a lot of confidence today, it hasn't dissipated yet, thank goodness, and hopefully it wont....ever.....never again....

Well I came home...cats were there to greet me, although, they were a little hyped up...running all over the place, twitching, talking, pouncing each and every thing. It could have been those un-pop-able cat-nip bubbles...or else it must be a full moon.

Also, I found food in the house. It must be a full moon. ;)

In any case.... It was just like christmas...so I made some pasta and cheesy sauce, some peas etc. Drank some milk, never tasted so good... really must be a full moon.

I missed a certain someone extra today, for some reason, there was hardly anything/one else on my mind. So so excited to go home again, oddly...but not to be home, but to be with somebody. And all that excitement, anticipation...has melted a bit into dissappointment because I came home, only to the kitties. :( But that's okay...There must be a reason.... something important might have come up? Something might have delayed? Something providing a very very logical reasoning? Maybe it's the full moon...

;)

"Promises are like the full moon, if they are not kept at once, they diminish day by day" -- German Proverb

Innocence

You see this....

This is a picture of 9 dolphins.

Research has shown that children are "unable" to recognize the erotic scene. All that they can see is 9 dolphins. On the other hand, they say that an adult's mind is more "corrupt", so to speak, so that an adult might have trouble picking out the 9 dolphins at first glance.

Although simple, I found this sort of interesting...

Makes me want to be little again. When I'd play in fantastical worlds of faeries and shinuku's, dark lords and heroes and majestic princes to ride off into the sunset with. Talking animals and invisible friends to play with, laugh with, to cry with. Where everything I draw is art, and everything I think is said, everything I have is loved, breathing or not. When monsters bit your toes from beneath the bed and shadows left whispers in walls. When the most interesting thing is the most trivial thing and "to worry" wasn't in the vocabulary. It's nearly impossible to have nothing entertaining to do... The time where consequences are ignored, so that curiosities consume...

"Know you what it is to be a child? It is to be something bery different from the man of to-day. It is to have a spirit yet streaming from the waters of baptism; it is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief; it is to be so little that the elves reash to whisper in your ear; it is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has its fairy godmother in its own soul." --Francis Thompson

Reminder #2

Do as He suggests/says/demands you to do...

...He knows what's best.

"If you don't do what's best for your body, you're the one who comes up on the short end." -- Julius Erving (Philly 76ers)

confidence in confidence

...With each step I am more certain/ Everything will turn out fine/ I have confidence the world can all be mine/ They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine/ I have confidence in rain/ I have confidence that spring will come again/ Besides what you see I have confidence in me!

Strength doesn't lie in numbers/ Strength doesn't lie in wealth/ Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumber/ When you wake up/ Wake up! It's healthy!

All I trust/ I give my heart to/ All I trust becomes my own/ I have confidence/ In confidence alone...

Spoken: Oh help...

I have confidence in confidence alone!!/ Besides Which you see I have confidence In me!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- From the Sound of Music - "I Have Confidence"

Sweet songs

A couple mornings ago, I was sitting on my front porch. To my right, the sun rising, to my left, abundant trees. I was listening to the various songs of the birds...watching them dance and flit across the ssky, the way they communicate, the way they move, the way everything comes together just right allow them to float on the wind.

So I was sitting there on my porch...and out of nowhere, a crow lands on the porch railing in front of me. This is unusual, because there aren't many crows out in the open here. She just sat there and stared at me with her dark brown eye. I was wondering what she was thinking, what she was trying to convey, if anything.

Suddenly another landed on the railing just next to her. This is even more unusual, I thought, because it is not even mating season. Anyway... he hobbled over to her and puffed up a bit. She turned and looked at him, but now he was eyeing me.

"No worries," I said. She came to me, I didn't chase her. I very well know how brutal a crow can be, when one of their 'loved' ones may be in danger. No mercy. But we must remember, they are simply protecting out of 'love' their fledging little ones, their mates. They're not just bent on random victim's destructions. They are not the scavenging beasts they've been made out to be. I think the idea was first ingrained in our minds because of how in the old days, after a battle, with all the corpses lying about, the crows simply couldn't resist. And the people saw them devouring the decomposing flesh of their loved ones, and dubbed them "evil". Possibly...this is why poets use "murder" to describe a flock.

She cawed, and it made me jump because she had broken the silence with no warning. He cawed as well, lifting his head toward the sky... No doubt they were continuing to speak in tones and pitches that my human ears are unable to hear. They seemed to look at eachother and then, friendly, as if they knew eachother...then simultaneously looked at me again....turned, and flew off to find a roost together...

"Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words." --George Eliot

"Life is not easy f or any of us. But what of that? We must have perserverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained." --Marie Curie

Reminder #1

Reminder:

Must throw a party for myself one day, to celebrate my new position as writer, scribe, scriptist as well as speech writer for national travelling presentations....in the conservation/raptor rehabilitation and green team.."group".

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Wickedness and Cruelty

What is it?

I can tell you this much, there is much too much of it in the world.

The world seems to have turned to the morally bad for solace. This makes me sad...because really, I do see it all around.

I'm an observer, as you may know, and this is what I have observed. At an alarmingly fast rate...wickedness and hatred are popping up everywhere. And for no reason! I mean, it might've been there since the beginning...because man will be man...But sometimes it seems as though everyone hates everyone these days.

I look around, and this is what I see... People...adults, elders..children!...doing degrading, immoral acts-turned-habits. The elders should know.... they should have enough sense by now to know!! Right? But.....Bestiality and corruption in those children. Perversion and...no respect!

But guess who this next generation is learning from? Yes, you know. They take what they've surveyed and they add what they perceive and...well...the concoction creates something much more villanous.

Something else makes me sad....

I typed in "wickedness" to google for ideas.... didn't find any, of course...but, I noticed... on of the first sites to pop up was an Islamic-hater's site. On the first page! One of the first hits!! How did this happen? How did Islam end up there?

Ah well...this is what the world is now...

But I can't leave this all to the depressing fact that one day, it seems, all that will be left is hate...right?

There is still love in some places, you just have to know where to look. It will always be there, forever...even if it is not obvious to the naked eye.

And beauty? Yes there is beauty forever also. But it isn't something you have to search for. It is there... every where...in everything. In every seemingly trivial thing and every brilliant thing, it's there. So much of it, so beautiful that it seems worthy of worship.

A lone morning glory in a patch of weeds during a sad, rainy dawn...

Chivalry Love

The Rules of Chivalry Love...

As laid out by Andreas Capellanus, a champlain at a French court in the 1100s...

Love is a certain inborn suffering derived from the sight of and excessive meditation upon the beauty of the opposite sex, which causes one to wish above all things the embraces of the other and by common desire to carry out all of love's precepts in the other's embrace.

1. Marriage is no real excuse for not loving.

2. He who is not jealous cannot love.

3. No one can be bound by a double love.

4. It is well known that love is always increasing or decreasing.

5. That which a lover takes against the will of his beloved has no relish.

6. Boys do not love until they arrive at the age of maturity.

7. When one lover dies, a widowhood of 2 years is required of the survivor.

8. No one should be deprived of love without the very best of reasons.

9. No one can love unless he is impelled by the persuasion of love.

10. Love is always a stranger in the home of avarice.

11. It is not proper to love any woman whom one would be ashamed to seek to marry.

12. A true lover does not desire to embrace in love anyone except his beloved.

13. When made public love rarely endures.

14. The easy attainment of love makes it of little value; difficulty of attainment makes it prized.

15. Every lover regularly turns pale in the presence of his beloved.

16.When a lover suddenly catches sight of his beloved his heart palpitates.

17. A new love puts to flight and old one.

18. Good character alone makes any man worthy of love.

19. If love diminishes, it quickly fails and rarely revives.

20. A man in love is always apprehensive.

21. Real jealousy always increases the feeling of love.

22. Jealousy, and therefore love, are increased when one suspects his beloved.

23. He whom the thought of love vexes eats and sleeps very little.

24. Every act of a lover ends in the thought of his beloved.

25. A true lover considers nothing good except what he thinks will please his beloved.

26. Love can deny nothing to love.

27. A lover can never have enough of the solaces of his beloved.

28. A slight presumption causes a lover to suspect his beloved.

AHhh.... see what having too many renn. fayre friends does to you....?

It's no longer, "I have to use the restroom" it's... "I shall go to the privy" ;)

Oh no.... did that comment ruin the lovely moment?

ta da!

Welcome to the new blogness...

To Sable...

a peek Inside the LOnely, VaultEd skY of the mOUrning star At earLy daWn, wAking Young eyeS...

...I think he still wins...

...

puzzeling...

I have this urge to draw or paint now...

...but I know if I start now, I'll be up all night...

what shall I draw...?

m m m m good...

I don't know what to write about.

I thought about writing about wickedness or cruelty...or milkshakes...

But those all seem so bland. Too depressing for today (Yes, writing about milkshakes, depressing...because I lack one).

Then I really feel like writing a song....but that requires too much effort, and it's funner if you can put music to it....which I can't (in any way other than in my head).

Then I thought about food...

bleaaa bleaaaa...that's all you think about, Juliana, food!!...isn't it? Well, why not? It is truely a magnificent thing. One of the greatest pleasures in the world :) I'll have you know, you can ask me anything about organic produce, and I can tell you right off the bat, don't even gotta think about it.

OPW to the rescue!

I love being loved, don't you?

Adam

There are 6,618,649,793 in the world, last I heard.

There are 302,818,508 people in the U.S. of A.

There are 393,664 people in the U.S. with the first name Adam.

Statistically Adam is the 143rd most popular first name.

99.62 percent of people with the first name Adam are male.

Adam derives from the Hebrew noun ha adamah meaning "the ground" or "earth"

Adán is the Spanish form of this name, As in.... Antonio Adán, the Spanish football goalie.....In Arabic Adam (آدم) means "made from the earth/mud/clay".

Adolphe Adam, a French composer of Minuit, chrétiens! or "O Holy Night".......Albrecht Adam and son, Benno Adam, and brother, Heinrich Adam...as well as Eugen Adam, all talented German painters...portraits, etchings, lithographs...

Adam Gontier, the lead singer for Canadian Alternative Rock band 3 Days Grace...Or, Adam Stein, titled "Sexiest Man on the Planet."

Then theres...Juliette Adam (1836 – 1936), a French writer...

But then also, there's always, Adam....Just Adam. Adam who began it all, with his wife Eve. Adam who tended the animals and the greens in Eden. Some even say he became the archangel, Michael.

Which brings me to an Adam who is very important to me... Not THE Adam who is THE most important to me....Just another one who is. And he comes from the West, 水 , Ap/Jala, Genbu, Aab, a cane, a bowl of blood, a cup, a bowl, a cauldron of the Dagda, always full...Water, Rain......rain....

He's tall, and he has light brown hair... a bit of facial hair...deep green eyes, and simple muslin clothing. He has a voice that is most sweet to hear, although it isn't really heard, it is felt. It is known. It is cool...like breeze on your neck, but through your mind. Like a refreshing morning gulp of oxygen after a stormy night. And the voice says "truth", the voice says "guidance", the voice says "comfort", as long as I listen.... If I don't.... he cant get to me....and I begin to lose myself. I even dare to forget that he is there...watching, and wishing I would turn to him for help. He's just waiting for me, fighting for me, and he cares for me....even though I don't quite know his identity, he sure knows mine. He is Adam. He's somewhat of a spirit guide for me, somewhat of an angel as some would say. That is all I know; That he exists, that he is with me, and that he Knows.

He reminds me very much of another Adam I know, one who is THE most important to me...

"In the beginning of all things, wisdom and knowledge were with the animals, for Tirawa, the One Above, did not speak directly to man. He sent certain animals to tell men that he showed himself through the beast, and that from them, and from the stars and the sun and moon should man learn.. all things tell of Tirawa.

All things in the world are two. In our minds we are two, good and evil. With our eyes we see two things, things that are fair and things that are ugly.... We have the right hand that strikes and makes for evil, and we have the left hand full of kindness, near the heart. One foot may lead us to an evil way, the other foot may lead us to a good. So are all things two, all two." --Letakos-Lesa (Eagle Chief), of the Pawnee Indians

barbed wire and butterflies

Once upon a time, there were two people...each madly in love with the other. She was so much in love with him, it was indescribable. Not a second was wasted not dreaming about him. She thought that even his love for her couldn't compete. But he would argue otherwise...

He examines almost every inch of her. Every smooth curve, every elegant angle. The way her slender fingers move...the way each part of her skin feels brushed lovingly against lips. He does this out of worship, out of pure love, not passion. Does this because craves to know her. When she closes her mind to him, he desperately tries to know her in every way possible left, without going against her wishes.

It was a beautiful relationship...one that not even lust could impede.

But one day...an evil crept in. A darkness that threatened to tear them apart forever. It was a darkness full of confusion, mistakes, begging...it invoked so much fear, so much anger, saddness, and pain...invoked anything but sang-froid.

It did pull them apart....so painfully. They couldn't stop it. It just happened.

They made a vow though, a strong vow. A promise, that no matter what...they would be together again, no matter what, this darkness couldn't keep them separated forever. They would have to wait for the right moment, then pounce on it. Pounce on it with all their might, mind, and strength...and eliminate the darkness. The invisible matter expanding two galaxies farther and farther away.

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it willmove. " -- Matthew 17:20

6 Years

It can't have been 6 years all ready?? SHE is NOT 6 years old and in kindergarden. There's just no way...

Why does time fly?

Mistakes?

It is strange to be owned. Claimed.

I mean, aside from one's own parents.

It's different. New. Strange...

Just interesting.

One struggles to accept it, get used to it. Struggles to tie down the emotions. The ever so mixed-up emotions. Makes it hard to see whether it is good or bad, or whether it will be good or will be bad.

Play it as it goes, I suppose, as long as it doesn't get you killed. Thinking too hard about what's to come can be a little painful at times. No matter what, just remember yourself. Who you are...if you're sure of your own person, and you love this person, you dont need any one else in the end. Don't lose hope. Mistakes can be forgiven.

Dancing with Myself

I know something you dont know....

Lullaby

Soy triste. Estoy escribiendo esto en español porque necesito una máscara...éste es un símbolo de lo que me estoy sintiendo ahora.

Me siento quebrado.

Mis daños del corazón...lastimaron.

Y....Mi canción a dormir esta noche, es las lágrimas. No paran. Pero son muy necesarios...Y ahora...puedo no sentirme donde mi cuerpo termina y la tierra comienza.

If you can't read this then the purpose of the mask if fulfilled...

I sing the little lullaby...

"Un elefante se balanceaba sobre la tela de una araña, como veía que resistía fue a llamar a otro elefante. Dos elefantes se balanceaban, sobre la tela de una araña, como veían que resistía fueron a llamar a otro elefante...."

Honey, If you love me...

...will you please please smile...?

:) Don't you just love that game?

It's genius, really...whoever came up with it.....Bravo. Used to play it with mumma's family all the time...good times, good times...

Let me explain it, for those of you that don't know this game...

Everyone sits in a circle, the person who is "It" is in the middle. "It" must choose a person, whom they think is the weakest, and go up to 'em, and say "Honey, if you love me, will you please please smile?" And try to make the victim smile. The victim must say "Honey, I love you, but I just can't smile" 3 times without smiling until the third is said. If they smile, they're the new "It", If they hold composure, then "It" must move on to another victim.

:)

It's just fun. Makes me want to smile :)

I was just thinking of the words, "I love you". Just great words that can be got away with so easily with saying in such magniloquence, confidence. I think it should be said more often, and not saved for the most apparent 'perfect' moments. I'm opposed to what they say....they say if it is said too much, it loses its meaning. But that is ridiculous! It cannot lose its meaning, and it shouldn't lose its meaning. Only people make it lose its meaning.

Every time someone says it to me, it means something amazing. And the meaning varies from each person who says it. But the moment it's said, it is mine...the words are mine and they generate certain feelings in me depending who it is from. Don't get me wrong, these words shouldn't be thrown around if they're going to be misunderstood. But for me....I believe that no matter how many times it is said, it can never ever elude its meaning...so long as you don't allow it.

"Love is saying the perfect phrase to make a solemn embrace dissolve into giggles. It's humor. It's anticipation. It's respect. It's acceptance. It's patience. It's exploration. It's understanding. It's consideration. It's responsibility. It's desire. It's abandonment. It's truth. It's Joy. It's ecstasy. It's renewal. It's tenderness. It's sensuousness. It's practicality. It's closeness. It's adaptation. It's loneliness. It's a lesson in human frailty. It's reflection, faith, trust. Love is stories that will never be told. It's secret."--anonymous

A Struggle Within

What shall I rant about today?

Brace yourself, I'm in a heightened political state today and someone pissed me off this morning (you know who you are).

I wanna talk about the word "jihad" today. First off, I'll start off by saying I am naiive and inexperienced in this topic but, nevertheless this highly oppinionated person is about to burst and needs to let off from what she does know.

Where to start... where to start....

Well that's easy... let's cut to the chase....Who the hell came up with the idea of "jihad" meaning solely "holy war" or "let's-go-blow-up-innocent-people-for-our-own-pathetic-vengence-reason's-and-justify-it-as-God's-word" (yea, sure... the "God made me do it" excuse always works). It's not directly about spreading Islam for those people anyway, it's about forcing Muslim political power...just about power. Now that is the root of it...and I'm talking about extremists right now, other people...many of the actual pon's that do all the work...they honestly believe in what they are doing. They're just brainwashed. They've got it drilled in their mind that your personal moral inclinations don't matter, because if God exists then he is the only arbitrary, the only being that truely knows right from wrong. That's what's in their minds...and then they're told exactly what God supposedly says is right...which just so happens to be the complete opposite of their moral values. So why do "muslims kill people in the name of Allah". The truth is, they don't. Because they're not technically Muslims. If somebody called themself a Christian and went around killing people who aren't christian, and did it in the name of Jesus Christ, then would you (By you, I mean people who are christians) consider them a Christian? No.....Of course not!

Anyway... that's not where I meant to go... I meant to say what jihad is not what it isn't.

I think jihad for a muslim could be defined in various ways (not including death in any of them). It could be best defined in this modern world as a struggle to remain humble. A stuggle against all the tempations of a materialistic society. Yes, that's it....When one lives in a secular society and has to work constantly to be able to keep/maintain one's beliefs.

For example...the wearing of Hijab. Especially in a western country. That can't be easy. But it is a deliberate display of faith, and I hold those women to the highest esteem. It takes a lot courage to do that. And the thing is, they are harassed, and treated badly, and looked at like they have "I'm-gonna-kill-you" written on their forehead. But they keep going, they continue wearing it anyway. I think that in and of itself is a jihad. That's what it means. It means following your beliefs unwaveringly, it means holding to Lehi's iron rod, it means standing up for yourself.

"If you could hie to Kolob, in the twinkling of an eye, And then continue onward, with that same speed to fly, Do you think that you could ever, Through all eternity, Find out the generation, where God's began to be..." --My favorite hymn, so uniquely mormon, If You Could Hie to Kolob.

Broken English

I met this French guy today...he was kinda cute...but then..he was French. You know the French. You know the relationship between them and us Americans. Worse than yankee's and limey's. But he was intriguing....he couldn't speak English...nevertheless, still interesting.

So I spoke to a French guy...in french. I know, I suprised myself, who knew I could speak french?

I'm sure it was a combination of things...between knowing latin and spanish and portuguese, one doesn't have to do anything more and can speak french! Athough, I could have sworn, french would be the one language I'll never be able to speak. Throw me Russian, throw me Icelandic...peice'a cake...but french? Gives me the shivers.

Je suis embarrasse. Je suis sur que ma grammaire etait imprecise...Comme il est maintenant.

I had better start writing here again, hadn't I? Even if it's just a few words...now hold me to this...

New goal:

I will write here every day for the next week (And then we'll see what happens).

D.A.D.D.

So the other day... I had this orientation to go to. So I got myself all fixed up for the first time in while... (..I been savoring these last days before I actually have to do something again...). And my dad gives me this strange look,

I say.. "What?"

"You look really nice. I'm worried"

Oh no..."D.A.D.D. ?"

"Yep"

Now, getting a compliment like that... "nice"....it doesn't seem like much. But you have to understand, when coming from him...it is a lot and it is a rare occurance (And no, not just because I'm rarely looking nice...).

Thanks to him, I walked around with my chin up the rest of the day.

(btw-- D.A.D.D. = Dad's Against Daughters Dating)

“A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again.” --Enid Bagnold

Rojo Diablo

Is it just me? Or are the origins of words and symbols and language remarkably interesting.

I know, I tend to irk people to the point of insanity as I run around vomiting sunshine and spouting out my epiphanies regarding anything from the relation between the word "red" in Spanish and the name Rohit in Hindi to the astrological origin of the word "Friday" (which, by the way, I think comes from the Latin "Veneris Dies" meaning "Venus' Day" and possibly came to English through the Anglo-Saxon equivalent, "Friges Daeg" or "Frigg's Day". Venus was the Roman goddess of love; Frigg was her Norse counterpart.)

eyah! You see? I can't control it. It just pops out. And the thing is, I am in no way intending to get praise for it. I know it's an incredibly boring subject to most people anyway. So I'm more of talking to myself. There's nothing wrong with trying to impress yourself is there (After all... she's the only one that listens so intently....)

It's like if you're high or something...and you've realized, what you think is, this AMAZING idea, and then you tell everyone about it, and they can immediately tell that you're high. But you know, it doesn't matter how stupid you make yourself look, at least you yourself think it was a great revelation.

Okay...so bad example. But you catch my drift?

As for symbols, I think there's a slightly higher number of people who find them intrigueing. But the problem is, ssymbols are more often than not misunderstood, righ'? I mean, take some symbol, and ask random people on the street what it means, and you'll get answers you cant imagine.

For example...(oh no...run!) The "swastika" (or, more accurately, "svastika")...actually means, something more like "conducive to well-being", and is Sanskrit, not German. Tear it apart and you get su + asti = "well" + "it is"....NOT "Nazi's rule, Jew's suck". The cross was actually used all over the place, much before the Nazi regime. A favorite of Mesopotamian's and stood for good fortune, and prosperity. At the same time on the other side of the world, it was used by Mayan's and Navajo's religiously and similarly.

And in India...to this day...it's widely used in Buddhism and Hinduism. A symbol for a saint because the arms remind them of four possibly places for rebirth; Animal/plant world, Hell, back as a human, or the spirit realm. Sometimes it's hung over doorways of homes, or even businesses. Even clockwise and counterclockwise direction of arms stand for different things, Right- solar, the suns course etc. , Left- basically the opposite...night, magic, Kali...

The swastika only came to the Nazi's through some guy named Guido von List...And can't remember the exact story, but something about him building a temple to Wotan and creating some kind of cult, eventually evolving in to an Armenian Society where the right-handed swastika's "sun" reference became a reference to the "sun-people" and so forth lie the foundations for Hitler adn his Aryan-Germanic ideals.

I think I've gotten carried away, but you see what I mean? Now, next time when you see a swastika you wont automatically think hate and bitterness and death.

Of course... I could be all wro0ng, at least according to somebody.

"If we ask a vague question, such as, 'What is poetry?' we expect a vague answer, such as, 'Poetry is the music of words,' or 'Poetry is the linguistic correction of disorder.'" --Archie R. Ammons

"A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day." -- Emily Dickinson

The Earth.....

...is Alive...........

Dawn Again

So...

I've been given yet another 'new slate'. I have mixed feelings about this... I'm not quite so excited about this one. Not so confident. Actually...a little dreadful.

But I'm not so sure why that is. Can't be too bad, can it? In any case, it's an adventure...an experience. You can never go wrong with too much experience...although, I have this strange feeling like deja vu as if I know exactly how "this" experience will turn out...

Experience.

Is it really necessary in order to fully understand a situation? Or are there other ways...

Does it always have to be a rational, physical explanation? Something that "makes sense"....?

I think people tend to underestimate how far science can go. Maybe the "logical" explanation for something is only logical because you made it logical.

It is said that the natives of america could not see first European ships coming even when they were in plain sight. They say, there was a shaman of one of these indian tribes on the coast in Florida. He would sit staring out across the Atlantic and one day...he noticed an unusual ripple on the horizon. So, curious...he stared at it hour after hour, day after day, trying to figure out just what it was...until one day...He looked toward the place of the ripple and what he saw was unfathomable. He'd never seen anything like it. He couldn't even describe it to his tribe. He brought them to look and all they could see was that ripple...he told them look deeper...and the giant, sailed ships appeared seemingly from nowhere. Because these people had never seen anything remotely like this before, they were unable to see it.

If this is true.... then who knows what could be surrounding us. Or maybe...it could explain all the 'unexplained'. Or maybe this, or maybe that.....But that's just it, we're afraid of "maybe"....it always has to be "know" "know" "know" "fact". We can't just know everything, and we shouldn't try...Where would we be without mystery?

"Nut, the sky mother, wife of Geb of the earth, arched over the whole world covered in stars and into her womb the boat of Ra passed each night, to be reborn in the morning."

http://www.myspace.com/abigailnoveen (My aunt...)

My Dearest Jules...

"...You Were the First"

My dearest Jules,

I do not know if this will ever find you. Maybe you're already on the boat. I do not know. I do not remember where you were going. I miss you now. I painted your name in the blood on the back wall. The blood is still there. I do not know what happened to the Man... he doesn't push things under the door any more for me. I feel very lonely now. I can still smell you on the wwalls and the floor. I'm afraid now. Why did you leave? You will come back soon. You would not leave me here alone. I don't have any more cookies left, and the crackers make my mouth hurt. I've been tasting the blood on the wall. It makes me feel bad. Please come back.

RAG

Mayday

It's Beltane tonight...

I kinda wish that I could dance and weave those ribbons,

tie that fruit and bread to the trees,

make that cone with a circle of people I love..

leap over that fire and shed that all dead winter bark..

let go of my worries...

"Father forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me, for I freely forgive all men. If we would secure and cultivate the love of others, we must love others, even our enemies as well as friends. . . . I possess the principle of love. All I can offer the world is a good heart and a good hand. The Saints can testify wether I am willing to lay down my life for my brethren. If it has been demonstrated that I have been willing to die for a "Mormon", I am bold to declare before Heaven that I am just as ready to die in defeding the rights of a Presbyterian, a batist, or a good man of any other denomination. . . . It is a love of liberty which inspires my soul." -- HOC 5:498 (Joseph Smith Jr.)

Dream is Destiny

Let's talk about Maktub... "Maktub" means "It is written." There are some Arabs that feel that "It is written" is not such a good translation, because... although everything is already written, God is compassionate, and wrote it all down just to help us, guide us. Maktub is a paradox to me...It seems as though nothing can be fate because God is all-knowing, God has granted us our free will (or so they say), But the question has always lingered, since before 350 B.C., since before Aristotle, that is; How can both fate and freedom coexist? Obviously, by fate, we are chained down to whatever is bound to happen...certainly no freedom can dwell there when whichever choice we make is the choice that we were destined to make. And we all know, freedom can not be....no matter what, there are always the laws of physics, of the universe..that must be followed. You're body, is just a complex arrangement of carbon molecules, just water, so our behaviour isn't gonna be an exception to these laws. With laws, there isn't freedom. I could ask, What if those laws which sustain the universe were taken away in order to make way for freedom? Can that be? What would happen if it were so?---------------------------------------------

No, really... I'm asking you, because I do not know the answer. Who knows? If that were to happen, maybe we'd all just end up like little whatchamacallit's (atom's?) that are bound by constant randomness, absolutely anything could happen, absolutely any time despite the surrounding situation.....But then again, if that were so...we'd still be "bound" to those random bursts and "bound" can only mean limits, and limit's can only mean the lack of pure freedom. -------------------

So, why bother with thinking about free will? Why not just accept that we're bound by laws and move on? Because we can't escape the question of free will. Just think of individuality, who you are..it's just an accumulation of all the free choices you made, and you can only be respected for things you did of your own free will. And what about responsibility? How can you be held responsible for something you had no power over because makub was just using you as a vessel to carry on its story. ------------------------

I guess..In order to really understand what it truly is, we need to understand the concept of time. Nothing can be lost at at least trying to understand time because it is full of so many mysteries. 'God is all knowing' and 'we have our amanah..our free agency and our own responsibility' can coexist, at the same time (just as a half empty glass is ‘half full’ and ‘half empty’ at the same time, both are statement of truth, just as every moment is a 'holy' moment (as the presence of god is 'holy'), therefore, you experience this holy moment while at the same time you can watch this moment in the state of just the awareness of that moment). God is beyond time...God created Time. He can easily grab quantum physics by the scuff and live above and within the past, present, and future all at once. While we, measley spirits trapped in prisons of flesh ;) , are bound to the present plane only. We can only think about future, wish about the future and past, remember the past...but before we grasp what exactly is the present it becomes the past. Since God is beyond time, He knows all, and His knowing all signifies everything is written.-------------------------------------------------------------------

Y'know... in writing all of this, I am not taking a particular side....I'm taking a scientific look, a religious look, 'new age', philosophical, shared look and writing a small portion of my thoughts and impressions on these things put together as one idea.-------------------------------------------

I mean, for all we know...What we call "life" could just be a dream....a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream. People talk about 'lucid dreaming'..being able to stay concious while sleeping and control your dreams, CREATE, and manipulate that 'dimension', that perception of reality. Maybe that's all I'm doing now, and I can make myself wake up, but I will be 'waking up' to another reality, another 'dream'.--------------------------------------------------

Or...maybe, this 'God' guy, that IS everywhere, IN everything, IS everything, is just posing us a question...over and over until we answer S/He/It, "Yes". S/He/It's asking us "Do you want to be one with eternity? Do you want to be in Jannah, Elysium, in Heaven?" to which we keep answering, "No. No. No thank you. No." . In which case, the whole story of life leads down to a core of ...The transition of moving from "no" to "yes". So... ultimately, S/He/It waits for us to finally answer, WITH the right intentions/understanding/readiness, "Yes, I give in. Yes, I accept. Yes, I embrace."----------------------------------

Or...MAYBE.....maybe this, maybe that, maybe we're putting too much thought into it all...All of what I've just said could be a load of crap and completely meaningless, and for all you know, I might have been aware of this and just put together a bunch of big fancy words to make me sound all smart and sophisticated and wise...But to give my honest word, it is painful for me to even try to comprehend these things, let alone just KNOW the answers to these questions, honest to goodness, I don't know how someone like me could think of these things (although, I know I am deffinately not the first to)..it's sorta like it is channelled to me from some other source, maybe even my own subconcious without realizing it, maybe GOD......but in any case, I'm gettin' a little sleepy now and...I... think...I might...might.. just.......... ---------------------------------------



"To say yes to one instant is to say yes to all of existence."

Obelisk of Fire

And before that chasm of light,

As within a furnace bright,

Column, tower, and dome, and spire,

Shine like obelisks of fire,

Pointing with inconstant motion

From the altar of dark ocean

To the sapphire-tinted skies; As the flames of sacrifice

From the marble shrines did rise,

As to pierce the dome of gold

Where Apollo spoke of old.

-Percy Bysshe Shelley, Lines Written Among the Euganean Hills, 1819

Surprise!

It was s'posed to be a surprise, but I artfully ruined it :)

Turns out my dad and I are going to get away for a few days and see Evan preform at Carnegie :) yay!

( I think I had too high of expectations when e handed me the tickets... reading... "Days Inn, Alexandria"....wait....Alexandria, Egypt ???? :P But this is good too.)

We're gonna mozy our way up...stop in Washington D.C. for a day... go to museums, galleries... etc. Then head to Philly and go to a few more rather prestigious galleries etc. (Maybe I can lick the Liberty Bell for real this time ;) ) Then FINALLY, to NYC...see a few sites in the city (I'm not so sure I want to go to Ground Zero, I will cry.) until the show. But the twist is, Evan doesn't know I'm coming. He has the idea that we can't afford (which we can't lol, and I'm giving up my class til next year to do this) So he won't even expect it. :)

I'm verrrrrrrrrry excited for this. (Now I get to brag that MY brother is singing in the CARNEGIE ;) )

http://www.carnegiehall.org/article/box_office/events/evt_7733.html?selecteddate=03192007 (see the "Madison High School, Rexburg, Idaho"....)

"A Bodhisattva is someone who has compassion within himself or herself and who is able to make another person smile or help someone suffer less. Every one of us is capable of this."

"We really have to understand the person we want to love. If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. If we only think of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love."

"In true dialogue, both sides are willing to change."

"People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong. Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom?"

--Thich Nhat Hanh