1 2 or 3 ?

Life is so crazy. I don't even know what to talk about here now.

Even though on the surface of everything it looks as though it's not all that crazy for me right now...I mean, what with me on holiday for a week, yet seemingly bored out of my mind, getting nearly nothing done, being lazy, etc. But the truth is... I don't feel like doing anything. I keep telling myself, why are you wasting time? There's so many things that need to be done, so many things you've wanted to get done (or started)...what are you doing on your ass all day? Part of me says..."I'm gonna be lazy, because I can, because I need to."

So the truth is... I don't feel like doing anything. I feel exhausted.. and I haven't done anything! So I was trying to figure out why I am feeling this way...ill and exhausted and tired and weak...and I've come up with a few possibilities...

1. I really am ill, something's wrong health wise and it's just a matter of letting myself rest and regenerate.

2. Maybe I'm just sad... Missing people... or someone....? And it's making me not feel like doing anything and the fact that i sit around doing nothing everyday is what is making me sick....

3. Or.... It's just hit me. Every now and then, through all this crazy mess of a life, I fall down. Although...there's two ways I usually might fall down in these "now and then's". One is falling down and really "hurting" myself, breaking down in the way that I'm so depressed I feel there's no reason to live. The other, (this is the one which I'm referring to as the 3rd possibility) and that is... falling down, but not breaking down emotionally.... not completely at least. Okay, it's actually not really "falling down", it's more like laying down. I still love life, I still want to live, I still have my hopes, it's just one of those lonely moments... one of those "wishing" moments. One of those moments I half want to get up again, and the other part just wants somebody to lay down with me. Just take advantage of being able to lay down, having time to.

So I'm not depressed... not sad....Okay, a little sad, but it's the healthy amount of saddness. Okay...the slightly less than healthy amount, yet, not so much that it's such a bad thing. Maybe I just need to catch my breath. I feel like I'm in a dream...I feel like I'm floating... Everything is so unreal, and it's nto really registering very well with me what's really going on, what I'm really into, what is going to happen...but mostly..what has happened, everything that has happened for weeks, months..years. It kinda makes me just want to forget about how sick and exhausted I feel...and just....just let it be...let them come... reminisce on memories...good memories, sad memories, memories that make me cry, moments. I think maybe I need that...maybe that's what this is telling me... just let go....stop struggling... relax...relax...Relax before it all begins again...this way, you'll be ready, you'll be okay, you might actually look forward to it. New beginnings, new struggles, new saddnesses, new happiness, new moments, new people, new capabilities to be discovered. Breathe...breathe...then, chin up, you can do it! And best of all, you're not alone. No reason to feel alone this time.

I think that 3rd possibility might be the most accurate.... ;) But who knows?

"Never, never, never, never give up." - Winston Churchill

http://youtube.com/watch?v=xXaRT8CXmGE&mode=related&search=