miracles or magick

There had been a talk given a while back, for a church program...I really liked it...I mean, I should not give Dallin Oaks the only credit, because there were many other very good talks spoken then as well. He gave a few examples, out of thousands that he could have said, of miracles related to conversion. He started that section with a verse I like, (2 Nephi 26:13) then said a few stories, who many of these people were in that very room.........For example,we know of many cases where the Lord has been manifesting Himself to men and women in the nation of Russia, so recently released from the long grip of godless communism. While reading critical or mocking articles about Mormons, two different Russian men felt a strong impression to search out out meeting places. Both met missionaries and joined the church.....A medical doctor in a villiage in Nigeria had a dream in which he saw his good friend speaking to a congregation. Intrigued, he traveled to his friend's village on a Sunday and was astonished to find exactly what he had seen in his dream--a comgregation called a ward being taught by his friend, who was their bishop. Impressed with what he heard in repeated visits, he and his wife were taught and baptized. 2 months later over 30 others in their village joind the church, and their clinic had become the meeting place......A man I met from northern India had never even heard the name of Jesus Christ until he saw it on a calendar in the shop of a shoemaker. The Spirit led him to a conversion in a Protestant church. Later, during a visit to a distant college town, he saw an advertisement for an American group called "The BYU Young Ambassadors" (love these guys) During their performance, an inner voice told him to go into the lobby after the program and a man in a blue blazer would tell him what to do. In this way he obtained a Book of Mormon, read if, and was converted to the restored gospel. He has since seved as a missionary and as a bishop......A little girl in thailand felt a memory of a loving Father in Heaven. As she grew older, she would often pray and counel with Him in her heart. In her early 20s sshe met our missionaries. Their teachings confirmed the loveing personal feelings for God he remembered from her childhood. She was baptized and served a full-time mission in Thailand......Only 5% of the people in Cambodia are Christians. A familt in that country was searching for the truth. While their 11-year-old son was riding his bicycle he saw some men in white shirts and ties showing someone a picture and asking who it was. He felt he should stop. As he watched, he was prompted to say, " That is Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and He came to save man." Then he rode away. It took the missionaries a month to find him and his familt. Today, the father is a counselor in the mission presidency......(and this is my favorite...) Last June,a family of 5 visited the open house for a new chapel in Mongolia. As the father walked through the door a powerful force went through his body, a feeling of peace he had never experienced before. Tears flowed. He asked the missionaries what that amazing feeling was and how he could feel it again. Soon, the entire family was baptized....These are only a few examples, there are thousands more.

Segassem Neddih ....hehe

Well, I said I’d come back, I’ve not had such a smooth couple of days….I’ve been doing some tarot lately as well. This morning I did (just as I was (gratefully) interrupted by the person I had been waiting for in the 1st place) a recent past card, a present card, and a 3 month future. Which all turned out quite accurate. So I get these daily horoscopes sent by email to me…and they’re from a very reliable source, and so far, have all been true. Tuesday I am going to try to get a picture of my aura, I’m desperate to see how it turns out. If it do, maybe it will answer some questions. Something…um…strange….I had another one of those dreams. Well, this one, I only remember ,if anything, short flashes and short things that were said…and I almost never remember what the words mean. While having the dream, I understand them, but when I write them when I wake up, I don’t know what they mean or what language they are…..(bit of an interruption, Evan just played me a new song. “ Living in Your Letters” by Dashboard Consfessional) ..Things I remember from the last one...Well, I won't decribe the events her/e, but what I wrotedown this morning was...only three words.. 'ashwani' 'kelcuara' 'ashwin'. Since I'm not very experienced in languages, I've absolutely no idea what language it is, if it is a real language, or just babble, I haven't been able to look them up yet either. Sounds African to me, but what do I know. And it's not like I can ask someone, they wouldn't believe my story.....Well, enough of that, a couple/ of days ago...I was driving passed a few canals and it was terrible. I kept seeing police men parked by the canals, and the men were searching the water. And I kept praying that there wasn't a kid to look for. But later, it became obvious..They were searching for a ch/ild. I don't know why it gets me, because it's happened plenty of times before, but I just hate to think of it. And the police, not knowing to look for just a child, or (hopefülly not) a floating corpse. Anyways...none of that sad stuff...I think I may have some r/ingworm, at least, that's what I think it looks like...(heh, that's what happens/ when you actually want to pay attention in a health class you didn't purposely sign up for) I'm sure moth/er has some kind of cream that'll take it right away. So no worries with that....Today, somone, I can't remember his name, but he gave a very good talk in church on womanhood and quoted sayin/g something I though was perfectly said...he said that 'Eve was created by a bone taken from Adam's side. Not a bone from his head, where (symbolically) she could drool over him, neither from a bone in his fott, so that she is trampled over, but a bone from his side, his middle, which symbolizes the duality of the sexes'...I think that..a man can't degrade a woman without degrading himself, and a man can't elevate a woman without elevating himself. Am I right? or no?

Bravo Mr. Howard...Bravo.

Yesterday, I was almost worked to death…I swear, one more moment and I would have been unconscious. But then again, I’ve had to work harder than that before. But still, hard labor from 8am to 5pm with no food breaks…not that I’d even be able to eat the food considering my mouth is still sore. But with all that…I still managed to go to The Da Vinci Code..that night…wasn’t going to let anything get in the way, even sleep. ;)
So, I went and saw it, even though I couldn’t get any friends to come with me. It was very good, I thought….bravo Mr. Howard. I think I liked the ending in the movie a little better than in the book. *shrug*….anyways, it made me think…think again of the possibilities of those things being true, I am not fully sure of what exactly I believe in, religion wise. I’ve been missed up a lot. (but my problem might have been wanting someone to tel me exactly what is true, whats not, what’s good and what’s bad. What to do, how to be…etc. and the religion I was born into, although most people don’t realize it, is very open. Sort of self-propelled. There are many possibilities. You receive your own revelation…etc.) anyway, what I was thinking of is that it makes perfect sense for Jesus to have been married, whether to Mary of Magdala, or someone else.He was sent down here to be an example to man of what we should do, and how we should be. Isn’t marriage on God’s list of things we must do now, here on the earth, or in the next life? Well, yes, it is…so why on earth would Jesus come here to be an example and do everything except marry? Everything except marry, even when God tells us to do it when possible…all the same, it was commanded as far as I know. It is shown. Let’s see…Genesis 2:24 I think…….and going off that point…I can see why people like the character Silas, would think that they must suffer as Jesus did on the cross. Jesus was our example, maybe those people think that it was just another thing to do on that list. Which it wasn’t, isn’t. The atonement was not done so that we could later punish ourselves for our sins. Jesus felt the vicious pain from every consequence of every sin each one of us makes, and ever will make…he felt it, and endured it, so that we would not have to endure those consequences ourselves. Everytime you ever lied, cheated, exploited, libled, killed…etc. and everytime you will, another drop of blood fell from his pours while in Gethsemane, so that is you can humble yourself enough to feel sorry for what you did and ask, God can forgive and forget, and no one should ever remember what you did after you repent, even you should forget what you did….Well, anyways, like Isaid, I’m still deciding what things are true and what aren’t. 2 Tim…I believe says something to this extent… ever learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. I think that’s where I am…or maybe I’ve come to the truth seceral ties but didn’t spend enough time learning about it. Jesus was a man, a human being. He could heal, walk on water, perform all kinds of…what the church like’s to call, miracles, but call them what you may, miracles..or magic…all the same, he was a man. And I believe that if you have enough faith, you can do whatever you want..as long as God wills it. You can walk on water, like John..or maybe it was Peter…all the same, he did it with Jesus, Jesus wasn’t the only one and Jesus didn’t make him do it. People can heal as Jesus did. I’ve seen it done numerous times, esp. with people who hold the right keys. I’ve seen it, and I’ve experienced it…three times that I can remember…I know it works. Olive oil, a blessing, and enough faith, and there you go…..anyways, maybe I’ll ocme on again later and write more about my average life…heh…like about aura’s and ringworm and anything else that’s happened lately.

hm..

well, I think I'm going to go see DVC Sat. night...yay! This has got to be a short post though, I meant to stay longer, but the numbness in mouth is fading and now I can actually feel the pain...
Well, I suppose there's going to be no point for this, but I'll post it anyways, tons of things I wanted to say...

Saints and Soldiers

Well, I went back after graduation today and heard Evan and a lot of my friend sing and play in the orchestra..they sounded pretty good. Well, afterward, Kaje and Garrett and I went over to Fongs, and well, I dont know exactly how it happened but, we got a phone call and for some reason, that I still don't really know, my step dad was really mad at me...and so I went home right away, it was a funny experience though...because I really wasn't looking forward to going home, so I was saying how I didn't want to go home, but was anyway, and just as I was walking out the door, the little chinese waitress came over and said 'don't forget your fortune's '...okay...so I took the cookie and the fortune inside said "Your home is a pleasant plave from which you will draw happiness" .....lol, it was the funniest thing....I never believed in those things..but who knows.....Anyways, I don't know what reminded me, but last night/morning I decided to watch this movie again, 'Saints and Soldiers'...I had only seen it once, after Evan found I hadn't seen it so he went out and bought it so I could...But I think it is one of my favorite movies...I don't know...it's just really really good and even though it is a little sad in some parts and I must admit, I did cry the first time I watched it. But it's about time they point out that the soldiers on either side are the same, just with different uniforms. And the reason it's one of my favorite movies..isn't just because theirs a mormon in it or that it is based on true event....I just like it, I don't know exactly why...but it's just so good..even though you do need to know a little bit about the rules of combat, and some german would be nice..to understand it fully. But it is still very good....

back and forth

Well...I've got my excersize for the day..Jerome....the driver of the bus I use to ride home, didn't show up. So..I walked as far as mollie's (who's, btw, Dad got his job back!! :) ) house..used her phone, no one home. I called Evan..said he was all the wait at Maveric, and of course...a bunch laughing girls in tha back round, so he must have been busy...(NO I didn't mean that as a perverted remark), and so I start walking..And what are the odds, eventually, Garrett shows up, and takes me the rest of the way. So that's my little adventure....Have nothing else to do at the moment except write this....I know, I'm pathetic, maybe I'll come back later and write more...interesting things.

boring old...

Well, I've some advice for everyone out there..don't ever let me near another woodworking...etc. tool again...lol. I'm just not cut out for the job and let me leave it at that....Well, a few days ago, I could tell something was bothering Mollie, and I asked her and she told me that the school system has decided to change their computer system so that it require only one worker rather than three..which means that he dad lost his job. And to be fair the school had to open up the new job to the public, and said that the news of who got the job would be out last friday, and it still has come...it's a terrible thought...There are not many jobs here that he could get. Unless you work with the University, there not are many opportunities out here. They've already not got much and they'll some how have to come up with the money to move to a bigger sity like Boise or SLC where there are more opportunities. But we're still praying that he get's it. I've known her for about 7 years now, and I dont want to lose her. Unless of course, if her dad doesn't get the job but he gets a better paying one somewhere else, maybe that would be better for her family..maybe they'd all tone down a bit and all be happy all the time. I don't know what to wish for. Anyways..Tomorrow's Senior graduation..So, I'll be in school for only a few hours, and I'm going to miss all of them, or at least the ones I had the chance to know. After graduation, they're gone no matter what they say.....Well…there were a lot of other things I was going to say, but have decided against it and deleted them. So this’ll just turn out another boring old post.

Shall I fight for it?

I know that it is not good to want a thing too much. And it is said that humans are never quite satisfied, that you give them one thing and they want something more. But then, is it wrong to do everything possible to carry out a goal, or plan, because you want it bad enough?.....Simple projects started are rarely finished with me. Anyone who knows me well enough, knows that I must have just the right motivation in order to finish something, or to obtain something I want ( whether it be happiness for myself, or the chance to conjure a smile on some one I love's face.) . Otherwise, I'll easily give up on the thing. It is as good as dead without the right motive. But there are times when even I want a thing bad enough to work and fight and sacrifice for it. Because a strong enough plan once made and visualized becomes a reality along with all other realities, And that plan is then immune to be destroyed, but easily to be attacked........You can call me selfish for sticking to my plans and dreams when I do come to one I want bad enough..but I believe that if it is really worth it, you should do everything to get it, to get there. You should be willing to fight anything that gets in your way. I guess this goes along with that poem I posted some time ago........See, some people will finish everything they start, will get everything they want no matter what it takes. I am not one of them, but I am also not the lazy person. For me, finishing what I start, or getting what I want...must mean something...it must make sense. Sure, I'd love to havve money, I want money, as every soul does somewhere in them, or at some point in time. But it is not what matters most, it is not worth the fight, at least not compared to many other things...But if a person wants something bad enough, they'll get it.

It is no longer reality

Just a little insight, I think there is a point when you fall away from facts and it’s no longer knowing, and seeing and reading, it is feeling. In music, there’s a point when you no longer see ‘f’s’ for Forte, you don’t see dynamics, or notes or names or instructions…there’s a line you cross when you can’t see them anymore, but you know them, you, instead, feel them. In art..you no longer think ‘perspective’ or ‘proportion’ you just feel it, and it comes out. And in math, you stop seeing the numbers and instructions, and you suddenly understand without having to think about it anymore. You just know and feel. There is just a line you have to cross…and you never know when it’s going to happen. Some people break it early, and/or become prodigies. Others, it comes later..and some, not at all. I think it is a wonderful thing to be swept away in, to not even think about it, you just feel, you just sink into emotion…

It is just about him..or is it?

I’ve never really thought much about my own role models…I never acknowledge that that is what they are..there are just so many of them. I thought I might write a bit about my own father, who’s just another one of those wonderful people I love and admire simply because they are who they are. Anyways, James is his name, and one of my favorite names, always thought of naming a child after him. He was born in Roswell, CA, and he only had two siblings and he is the middle. He was born into a Catholic family and after meeting my mother, he converted to LDS and because of that they were able to be married in the Atlanta, Georgia temple. They did have financial security and my grandfather was an Engineer in computer technology. One day, as I realized I hardly knew anything about him….I asked him several questions..and here are a few… “What are your most memorable spiritual experiences, if any? Lots, too many to recall, I have had many visions and spiritual experiences both good and bad in nature, but all learning experiences and life enhancing in one way or another Do you have any special backround and/or traditions? Artistic talent runs in family/ No real traditions. What kind of relationship did you have with your parents? So so, not real close, occasionally we were but we didn't talk much. What is your main goal in life? Be happy and make others happy, be a teacher of life and a good friend to others, love thy neighbor. Most memorable school experiences? there are so many..high school or college or both? Art, sports, awards, scholarships, academics...so just ask for specifics(making winning shots in basketball games, going to district championships in both basketball and tennis, graduating college with a 3.9 GPA and winning three Art scholarships, etc...) What makes you happy? ;) My kids. What makes you sad? when there not here with me. What hardships have you overcome? can't really recall anything that was ever to difficult to overcome in my life, without a little hard work and determination. I know if I put my heart, mind and soul into anything I would be able to overcome. What do you most enjoy doing with your family? spending quality time together, going places, and doing things that are memorable and will leave a lasting impression.. What do you enjoy doing in your spare time? Playing Basketball and Tennis, reading sci Fi books and researching ancient cultures and current events on the web, seeing a good movie, going to the book store and of course doing art……I love him to death, he’s the kind of man who is sensitive yet very strong physically and mentally, and protective, yet knows where the line is. And you automatically know that there’s a gentle person inside when someone loves animals, or an animal, as much as he does. He loves cat’s, and does everything for them, if they sneeze, he’ll get them checked, he’ll get medicine and tie them down if they don’t want to take it so that they will whether they like it or not. We all cried when Coco died…an unknown disease, that couldn’t be fixed, all we could do is watch him slowly die. To him, Coco was like a son, to me, like another brother. I’d known him since I was born. Well, he likes to have fun, he’s a crazy driver, but if he knows that there is danger to me or him or anyone else, he’ll control it, but he just likes the speed. He’s the kind of person who, when he slams his daughters hand in a door and kills the nails, will do anything to make it right, and when he is alone, he will cry because he hurt his baby. When he was boy, he’d do anything to not end up in the ‘geek’ crowd, and if he wants enough, he’ll get it. He made it to the basketball team in high school, despite his height of 5 ft. something or other. (which I’ve rapidly caught up to, or am almost there, but probably never will since I’m probably done growing…you never know though.) He’s an introvert, and artsy, and open-minded. Unlike the majority of people in this world who’ve got their faces pressed so close to the picture that they’re not going to see anything but what’s straight in front their eyes..He’s taken a step back from the picture, as I have, and now can see the entire piece. He’s the kind of person who thrives on the pleasing of others to the best of his ability, and on the smiles he creates…anyways, that’s enough for now. If he ever happens to read this, he must know, I love you so much, with all my heart, and hope you always remember it!

another day..

ah..I feel so bad! I invited Amalia to something tonight, because I really wanted to see her before I leave..she went and asked her mom and her mom didn't want her to but her dad said, maybe they should let her go. After he left, she slapped her and called her a manipulating bitch and said that she hoped to hell that she loses all her social life...or something like that, I wasn't paying much attention to that last part, as I was really really shocked and angry. I knew it was in her, you can just tell when you look at a person's eyes, and no matter how nice you precieve them, they can't keep their eyes from betraying them. I noticed it came out more after her brother died. But I feel so bad for Mollie. She told me not to worry about it and that she was used to it..*sigh* I still feel responsible somewhat, I got her motivated to ask by telling her that Cory would be there. And she really wanted to make it up to him because he asked her out and she really wanted to say yes but her parents wouldn't let her and it crushed him.
Anyways, I took Jessica to lunch today, thought I might spend a little time with her since she is my step sister..and I hardly get any time with her, yet I found out indirectly that I’m her role model…that was a while ago though. It was much more expensive than I thought it’d be. Then spent most of the day working on this presentation, I’ve got to teach a class Monday. So excited.. Well and tonight I’ll most likely be going out. All the hours it took on the computer to work on that has taken a toll on my eyes and head, so I’ve got to rest them somehow. I’ll probably end up at Jen’s…maybe listen to Taylor and his band work on new songs, last night was Alex’s last concert, and I wish I would’ve gone. They needed the money, and the support. But since Alex is going on his mission, they’ll get a new guitarist and keep playing for at least another year. I’m thinking of getting their CD, it’s only 5 dollars after all, much better price then any CD in stores. Those cost so much more, 20 or sometimes up to 30 dollars. Well, that’s what burning is for *wink*..everyone does it so often that it shouldn’t even be illegal. And no one takes it seriously, esp. since they don’t go around raiding houses for them. Anyways, that’s my day so far…don’t think I’m up for another night like last..but we’ll see what happens.

Here I am

Well, it's official... James: ah...well, guess where we're going? Jules: where??James:http://site.williamhenry.net/index.php?option=com_content&task=blogsection&id=8&Itemid=29 Jules: Yay! James: Just you and me... Jules: wow, but wasn't it that only 40 people could go? and those tickets..they costed so much...well, nvm, THANK YOU James: I know, but I called William and he said there were still a few openings Jules: *hugs* I love you! James: I love you too!---and it goes on, but I'm so excited! Gotta love your father for doing things like this for you. hehe...okay, so maybe I'm a little unusual and rather than getting excited to go to a football game that night, I'd rather go to this. But I suppose you have to know my person to understand. Well, I'm really excited because I want to see the Athena all finished. I saw it once a long long time ago when there was no gold on it..but I still thought it was beautiful, and I'm excited for other things too of course.......Anyways, in school, I think I'm doing much better, though today I had a hard time, for some reason it felt like I was in a fever all day, and short of breath. But I should be fine by morning..maybe with some rest, I can get by it. I'm working on getting my Algebra grade up, I made a few mistakes at the beginning of the Tri, so I need to make up for them. hmm...what else have I been up to..Well, I just finished this really good book, or I thought so..'Homebody'. And just a few minutes ago, read this short little story I found. "The Pearl" John Steinbeck...It was really interesting, and I liked the meaning in it. All about a Mexican Indian family, who find the Pearl of the World and can't decide whether it was a blessing or a curse. There was a lot about music in there too, so naturally....you know..Anyways, wont spoil the story here. Hmm...well, I've heard that the Da Vinci Code didn't turn out as well as I had hoped....but what do they know? I'll have to give it a chance myself...although, it's very likely I wont be seeing it for a while. I'd like to say that it is worth it to spend my money on, but I need it for things more important than seeing the movie as soon as possible. Well, the last movie I saw was Walk the Line...I think the majority of the reason I got hooked to it was the accents..reminds me too much of home. But I loved them, June sounds just like my aunt..esp. the way she talks to her daughter on the phone....Home. That word has a lot of meaning. It's the place you feel safest..The place you feel happiest..not necessarily a physical house made by man. The ending of a poem, 'Hear I am, at the door to your heart, at the door to my home'... But on the other hand..I think that, speaking of the physical home, I have..I feel more at home down there, in Georgia, and Tennessee...than anywhere else I know of so far. I know those forests and towns and cities so well, even when I've not set foot in every part..somehow I still know them. They're all still a part of me. But only about two more weeks... Fancy that, the way time flies, but now it's going to go incredibly slow just to torment me....One of these days it'll finally click with me that I've got to monopolize myself, or life's just going to be a waste...

Eyes

Well, I've gotten my eyes checked again, and hooray! I'm hoping that when the glasses come in, these headaches will stop. Well, he said that my eyes are a little rare and unusual, because there's nothing wrong with the right eye other than...like, some odd capilaries, or something unexplained to me. But there is something wrong with my left eye, it is farsighted and he said there might be this strange buldging on one side, the veins buldging or something like that. But he said that he wasn't sure whether or not to be concerned. Anyways, this constant eye fatigue has really been getting to me, I'm working my right eye to death since I read so much, and that includes reading music. Well, lets see, what else has gone on....well, Friday's the day! lol, like I said, been waiting for about a year for this. I just hope that Tom Hanks does a good job of his part since I pictured him completely different....hmmm..well about two seconds ago my dad introduced me to a new artist, I think she sounds pretty talented, not usually the stuff I listen to, but I can't say it's not good.
http://www.sammimorelli.com/ Anyways, I've gotta get dinner ready...

That illusion is beautiful

okay..so that song (on the last blog) was a little cheesy, but it sounds better when it's sung. Anyways, the other night..I watched the sunset on one side of me and the moon rise on the other. The moon was beautiful! It was the biggest moon I've ever seen, so low to the horizon and bright yellow too. It was so big it was unreal, although, I know, it being so close to the horizon, it was only an illusion, but I dare say that illusion was beautiful. And I went over to Jenna's and it was a much better view. As Jenna would tell me, that I have a terrible view from livin' down in the ghettos. Up there though, on what long-time Rexburgites would call 'snob hill' (which makes sense since there are some beautiful houses up there and thats the rich neighborhood) Once you get over that rise, all you can see is miles and miles of fields and hills all the way up to the Tetons. So we walked out to the hollow cause we couldn't keep still. And all the way, watched the moon rise and get whiter and brighter as it got higher in the sky. Eventually, we realized how far we had gone and that it was probably passed midnight. We figured, once we get back to 'civilization' we ought not to travel along the roads. University/college campus towns are always some of the most dangerous places, esp. for young girls. Even that Teddy B. had been here before, picking up college girls, and chopping them into pieces. Of course, Jen, being the cocky person she is, thinks it doesn't matter, she'll rip them to pieces with her own teeth. So it took a while to convince her otherwise, that faced with the situation, she'd not be able to kill anyone. anyways, festival went good, I got 99 points this time, and a trophy..since I’ve got about one more festival to attend before I hit 1,000. Go me. And the recital that day had a lot bigger audience then I thought. Oh well, I only had to play one song and free refreshments afterwards, what more can I ask? Anyways, today was mothers day, I wasn’t sure how well that would go over with me. Yesterday I was a little upset with her ,and actually showed it..and there was a little bickering…but I think it’s okay..I can’t change her. So I better accept her. No matter how much I miss her. (if you think about it, that does make sense.) So I got up early, made some blueberry pancakes and eggs. Went out and cut some flowers, made a bouquet and voila! Happy Mother’s Day! breakfast in bed and a beautiful bouquet. At least I caught her before she got sidetracked by the computer or something. Well, that’s about all I can say for now. I’ve got to go call another mother of mine who lives across the country. Three weeks though, three weeks.

Misery Made Beautiful

I’ve had these lyrics a while and have not yet written the music out yet, though I have a tune…but I’ve had these ones for ages...I just don’t know if they’ll ever be sung for someone and somewhere other than my step sister, Jessica, and my bedroom. It is a little long though. I’ve got others but I think I like this the best.. Sometimes even I don’t know why I hurt/ why every day is just another I didn’t die/ And I know that’s not how it should be/ I know just how I should see/ But I cant seem to look at the sky/ without seeing all the bad things gone by. (all the bad things gone by) // Then you came to me/ and you set free/ That demon in me/ That demon in me/ Then I saw your face/ It lit up the place/ How’d you come to be?/ An angel cannot be/ But you’re there in front of me/ And angels can be (Angels can be)// You said, I will see you again someday, just go and find another in the meantime/ But I can only hope I didn’t/ disappoint you, again/ Because I tried to escape this desire/ The yearning to be near you ((forever))/ But this is where fate has led me//and I can’t help remembering… When you came to me/ and you set free/ That demon in me/ That demon in me/ When I saw your face/ It lit up the place/ How’d you come to be?/ An angel cannot be/ But you’re there in front of me/ And angels can be (angels can be)// So I’ve chosen to stay/ sorry to disappoint/ But I’ll be here waitin’with the hope of/ One day, in the arms of the angel/ Misery made beautiful…right before my eyes.

Can't refuse the chant

Well, finally have found some time during this very busy week to actually write something. Today I had election assemblies all day and then a meeting… and I just have to fulfill every promise I make, so I had 5 min. between the time I got out of the meeting drove back in town, then went to tend some children again. Who, btw, were unusually behaved and less hyper upon my arriving. Nevertheless, they were excited, I could tell. But I couldn’t say no to tending them because what can you say when Anne tells them that they’re looking for a babysitter and the kids start chanting “Julie, Julie, Julie..” etc. Well at least, it’s nice to know that I’m loved. And it’s not like I got incredibly bored after making them dinner and settling them down to watch their “Bob the Builder” and “Pocahontas” movies. I mean, picking out all the burnt kernels in the popcorn so the don’t choke on them can be mildly entertaining. And when they ask how old I am this time, hurrying to encourage them that they’ll catch up to me eventually to prevent the exertion of bodily fluids from eyes..is okay too. Then I decided to make use of myself and I swept, washed dishes and cleaned counters…etc. and of course dedicated some time to school work and thinking. And how I’m so eager for the 19th to come sooner! Hm…esp. since it’s not usually a thing a teenage girl would be looking forward to, maybe not even a teenage boy, but I am extremely excited! I’ve been waiting for at least a year. Anyways…after this I’m going to head over to Jen’s to say one last goodbye to Nonika. Who’s leaving to be her mama’s mother’s day present on Sunday. Going back to Taiwan. Take me! It’s only really sad and depressing because she’s not really coming back this time..Saying goodbye this afternoon was bad enough and Amalia was on the verge of tears, so I was practically holding her til we got out of the building and to the bus. I’m gonna miss her so much. EFY was last Saturday. It was wonderful! Though lengthy, at least I got a bench rather than those hard folding chairs. (Though the bench was squeezed tight and a certain someone sat next to me for purposes he refused to admit.) 8-5pm…long, but good, and dancing a few hours afterwards in those heels killed me. But I think it was worth it. Those talks were awesome and they are both wonderful people. One thing I got out of it that was said in directly, was that you don’t have to give into desire just to quench it, you just need to have self-control, just control it. And at one part they showed some survey where teachers from the 1940s and from 2000 were asked what sort of things they have to put up with in schools. 1940s- running in halls, talking in class, chewing gum, not throwing trash in the wastebasket…etc. 2000- rape, murder, pregnancy, assault, stealing, abortion…etc. Just goes to show what kind of a sick world we live in now. Anyways, more about The best of EFY some other time.

This isn't, he isn't, you aren't, I'm not.

Have you ever had one of those extreme feelings of unreality? Where you sit there and suddenly something..or everything, is weird. As in, you think, wow...since when was the sky blue, I just realized how strange that is. Or, you'll be in the middle of a conversation with your best friend whom you've known for years, and suddenly...you get this strange feeling, just that it's all 'unreal'. They've been your friend for so long, and suddenly you can't see that anymore. And yet, you're aware of this all the same. This rising feeling of unreality, that he isn't real, this isn't real, you aren't..comes, and you do everything possible to fight it back, because you say, this is stupid, of course it is, of course it is...what am I thinking? and then you lose it and you notice little things everywhere...every little thing comes into focus. You see this or that suddenly, when otherwise, would've never noticed. Look, shes got a new freckle on her nose..hey, suddenly, I smell the scent of jenna, a couple minutes later, here she comes. And all at the same time, it's unreal to you. I don't know any other word for it...no other word to describe that feeling other than sort of dreamlike, yet, somewhere, you know it is real. And there's sometimes a slight feeling of panic that always comes with it. Pressure on your chest and sometimes lightheadedness. I guess it goes along with how...I do this thing sometimes, and I really dont like it, but if I unfocus my eyes, or they do it themselves, I don't ever pull them back out...I mean of course I do eventually. But it's hard, it's like a force. And I've got to get my mind stronger than that or I'll never see...well...I''ll never see normal or clear.....I guess, again. Both of these things have happened since...well, a long time. I'm not sure when but lately I've noticed them more. And I don't like it, I don't like the feeling, and I don't like not having control of myself. I dunno...I guess I was just thinking about these things and...thought I'd write them down while I could. I don't even know if they made any sense.

MY opinions...you don't touch me, I dont touch you, you touch me, I slap you... unless I like you.*wink*

Well, somehow...people are finding out about me. I have no idea where, or how. But lately, people have been asking me, whenever the catch a hold of me, about my music and such. Yesterday someone caught my arm and asked if I'd be their guest performance. umm...sure, no problem, time, date? and any requests? I'm not so sure I'm liking it either, I'm half and half. Every human likes to be noticed, and suddenly, after so long, I'm being noticed, and I never ever saw me going anywhere with this music. I've used it for myself all this time, it helps me. But, wow, Where are they getting this information? I knew I was supposed to be in the newspaper, but I never saw it, and I was in there as the loser, assuming I was even. Anyways..I am not accustomed to having much attention, and now I dont know what to do with it when I do. So anywho, I think I'm really starting to hate a lot of guys...not all of them...but a lot of them. TWICE today....twice. Okay, so I got it pretty good, only two times today. Could be worse, has been worse. hmm..Not to be racist or anything, but I just realized both were mexicans. No offense to those Mexicans out there. I've got a lot of friends who're Mexican, and they're great people. Anyways, so it bugs the heck out of me when you can't get a guy to look at you in the eye, or even the face....you're always trying to give them the message...' up, UP! my face is up here...not there..... couple more inches and you got it. perv.' So I can deffinately deal with that...not a problem, I can understand, that's just the way guy's are..right? OKay...but NO touchy. You stay away from me and I'll stay away from you, though I know that's not what you want. They give the stupidest *if that's a word* reasons too...'*slap* whoops! sorry...' 'whoops, it was an accident.' 'Just, playing a game...' ah, shut up. I dont even know you, and frankly don't want to. Hm...oh yea, and I really hate it when they make those crude comments, or they call you just to ask if you'll do the backround sounds like you're having an orgasm, for their newest song. Oh, sure, I'd love to. Nothing would make me happier. Lol, well, now that that's out of the system, I think I've got a pretty good point. And my opinions on this probably have a lot backing them up. Six things I probably don't know about you? okay, 1- I've always had that side desire to become a beautitian with cutting and styling hair. 2- I'm claustrophobic. 3- I don't drink coffee 4- I've mild OCD 5-I sometimes get panic attacks for unknown reasons. Or something called 'night terrors' and 6- I've got either bright green eyes or pale blue eyes depending on the way you look at them. *and btw, that wasn't random...*

Twofold connotation

This is what I learned today, I’ll sum it up as best I can.I found that, you are never tempted beyond what you can bear, the only reasonthat we sometimes fall is because we failed to prepare ourselves to withstand these temptations. Short and simple, but I’m so glad I’ve discovered that…..

One, if you find it.

Well.....today went okay, though I've felt very very sick for various reasons and couldn't concentrate so well. Nothing of much significance today happened, or that I'd like to talk about right now. I'm simply here right now trying to kill time.
anyways....Summer, she is being taken from her home, this fun little Jewish Cali. girl. She sluffed school the other day..which, what teenager doesn't at least once before graduation? well...her mom flipped, did all kinds of things, beat her..etc. And she told someone, amazing huh.....and well now she'll be a foster child. It's really sad, I feel really bad about it..and I know it had nothing to do with me, but I still...well...I need to go

the last point of the pentagram

Hmm..well..lately,*and again* it’s been interesting. My life’s just full of interesting things, hey? Anyway, been crazy trying to get all fixed up for classes next year. Going completely by internet this time…I say, not a good idea. That powerschool program is not very reliable. But okay, yea.. and then, unfortunately, I just checked there and the grades WERE working and I had to see how I did on that last exam in Algebra. Heh, I guess when I told Jen, ‘watch me flunk this’.. I was serious. *sigh* BUT the fairly good news is that class average was a D. So I’m not the only one who did terrible…and it really shouldn’t matter since I’m taking this class over again next year, it was recommended and I agree, I’m not ready to move on. And it also shouldn’t matter until my mom one day decides to find out what my password is and get on and check it..which will most likely never happen. It’s always so strange, on every test, I’m nervous, then when I start it, I think, hey, this is easy. I think I actually got it this time. Next thing you know…I really DIDN’T get it, and did the whole thing wrong. But, next year I’m going to do better. And as long as the classes aren’t filled up by the time I get there, then I think next year will be pretty enjoyable, because I’m taking classes that I’ll enjoy. I’m hoping..I can’t promise how accurate this is but here is my schedule. So that when I come back here ten years and read this I’ll remember.. hehe…yea well anyways…what else shall I talk about. Jenna’s birthday was today, I feel bad because I completely forgot, I was going to run to the store last night, but..well it didn’t happen. But I’m going to do something to surprise her at her house Saturday to make it up to her…though I’ve no idea what to get her as she’s every thing I could think of. Well, I’ll think of something. Well I could always try to relieve her from that boy, ethan. Who, I’ve decided not to talk to him until he pulls himself together. And yes, that same boy I had mentioned in earlier posts whom I pitied so much. But what can I say…he’s just not a very good person. And that doesn’t mean that I don’t believe that he cant change. I just don’t think I can be friends anymore with someone who lies, exaggerates, purposely tries to make me feel stupid, does drugs, and/or anything else illegal, and thinks he’s some sort of savior of the world, the last point of the pentagram, along with Jesus, God, Satan, and Goddess. Who continues to complain complain complain, me me me me. I did what I could for him, and the rest is up to him, I can’t change him, only he can. Anyways, this morning did start quite well actually, I think I might’ve felt rested for the first time in months. Or maybe its just because I took advantage of dearest father leaving earlier than usual, and I sleeping in til 6:45…and that’s saying something. I did get in a bit of a fight with Evan, so that ruin a portion of my morning. And that I forgot to eat breakfast which happens a lot. And that I forgot Jen’s birthday..Other than that…it went okay. Anyways Not much else to say now..

At War

Btw..sorry for those last two entries, I haven’t been doing so well, and was in a negative attitude. ……Well, I found the solution. To apathy, greed, destroyed families etc. and the cause of them. It’s because we’re constantly at war. The war in heaven didn’t end as I was born, nor anyone else, not even with Adam and Eve coming to earth it didn’t end. We were simply stationed at a new battle location. I know this’ll all sound dumb, but the war is against satan…against evil itself I guess. Who hates you, hates your wife/husband, hates your children, grandchildren…hates them all and wants to destroy them, right? He uses the technique any smart soldier would to. You don’t just attack and hope for the best. You distract them first, lead them on another way. So he slowly pulls you away to worldly things and attacks when you’re most vulnerable. While you’re distracted and preoccupied with career, cars, money etc. he’s over there confusing, misleading, the ones you love, destroying them because we have something he will never have. A body, life, a family..happiness, then you come back eventually, and wonder what you did wrong and how to fix it. Well, there’s plenty of things you can do, the orders you were given when sent into battle. They’ll always work as long as you follow them, and all the same, in the end, you could be punished for insubordination if you don’t. and I’m NOT saying that the excuse of ‘the devil made me do it’ is suddenly valid. Because it’s not. You’ve got your own agency, no one can force you to do anything, not even god himself, because he gave you the free agency, and it is the only thing that’s yours. Make your own choices, just think before you act. If you don’t, we’ll end up with a lot more casualties in this than were necessary……….I know that I’ve always wanted to follow every one of those things. Some aren’t just war tactic orders, but I think that if I keep following my heart, those war tactic ones are the only one’s I could follow..in this life at least. I’d not have a chance to be sealed in this life, if I do continue what I am. But I know there must be some rule out there that would let me, in the next. Well, I really don’t want to think about all those dreams I’d be giving up, because I’d much rather follow my heart in these things with the hope of a second chance after to hold on to. If I didn’t follow mine, , despite whether I and my would-be family reach this ultimate glory they speak of or not, I don’t think I’d be happy. After all this glory even really means happiness. I could be in the best place in the universe. Highest of the high celestial kingdoms and yet, not feel complete, and that’d leave a space for unhappiness in the happiest of places. I think I’d give up that high rank for true happiness, wouldn’t you? ..................This is the way of peace: Overcome evil with good, falsehood with truth, and hatred with love.
t

Whatever happens, happens

well..I know, I'm a terrible person, but I can't help that I've got incredible hearing. Well, sometimes I'm subconciously listening to everything that people are saying around me and etc. and certain words will catch my attention and'll pull me into listening more. Anyways, it comes in handy a lot, this time though, I happen to hear that my great grandma on my step dad's side fell the other day and couldn't deal with the pain and had a heart attack and now cant have an operation because of it and probably wont ever walk again. *sigh*...I probably would not ever hear about it unless I overheard it.
Well...emily was having her dreams again last night, she's told me about them before...and they scare me just hearing about them. Last night she was thrashing around and saying things like 'mommy it hurts'. Poor girl, but I can say I know what she means. Let's see what else...well, I'm afraid that its gonna happen soon, it will some time, just I think it will soon and I'm not gonna be able to do anything about it, uncontrollable. oh well, what happens, happens.

More than two words

hmm...well...I just got home from that show I did, the showcase actually. Just sort of sat there the whole time until someone came and looked at it and asked question, when, I'd answer and they'd usually just look a little clueless as to what the heck I was talking about and then nod and smile, move on. Must've used some way of cheating for that, as I'm told she's only fourteen, that isn't possible. well, and then I got a volunteer to listen to some music I've written and they say they're going to make a CD for me as soon as I get enough and finish them. whoot.. well, then I eventually ran into my friend cristina, or rather, her into me, and she sat behind the table with me and we talked. She told me about yet another guy problem. She's just not wanting to admit that she really likes him and she's trying to convince herself otherwise but it's not exactly working, because she can't change whether she likes him or not, cause she really does. And the subconcious reason for her trying NOT to is because she is moving by the beginning of school next year, and so is he. Though, her to Seattle and him to Boise. So sad..and then she expects me to use my psychic abilities to go and tell her exactly whats in his mind..oh yes, considering I've heard of him, never actually saw nor talked to him. But I told her I'd some astrology for her, and maybe make some runes to use. I'd use them for more than just that, but I suppose I just need the right motivation. Otherwise it'll never get done..I guess I'm too lazy to do all the work, because if I did have some I'd want them genuine and the best, which means I'd have to make them myself and ward and do all the rituals to them as well. Anyways, I've had long week, very busy, and was looking forward to the weekend, but not so much now. Things change so fast. A little frustrated with..my boyfriend, yes, I can call him that now since he started it. *wink* any way, yea...but I guess I can't blame him..its probably more me than him anyway.But I can't really resolve this cause he's gone for the next few days, something important, but he didn't really explain what. So I guess its a surprise for me. hmm..and I just realized his birthday's on the 25th too..have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do for him though. He might not even be back by then. anyways.. don't mind the way I'm acting tonight, if you can tell from the way I'm writing..maybe you cant, but just..in a very weird mood...anyways.. not much more to write about tonight, other than kaje just said more than two words to me in the last three or four months....*sigh* anywho, I ought to go now before I start letting everything come out.

you'll get it

The longer I live, the more I realize the impace of attitudeon life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company...a chruch...a hime. The remarkable think is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is...we are in charge of our attitudes.
When you want a thing bad enough to go and fight for it, to work day and night for it, togive up your sleep and your time for it; If only the desire of it makes your aim strong enough never to tire from it, if life seems all empty and useless without it, and all that you dream and scheme is about it; if gladly you'll sweat for it, fret for it, plan for it, pray for it, all your strength for it; If you'll simply go after the thing that you want with all your capacity, strength and sagacity; Faith, hope and confidence, stern pertinacity; If neither poverty nor cold nor famish nor gaunt nor sickness of pain to body or brain can turn you away from the aim that you want; If dogged and grim you besiege and beset it, you'll get it.