You know what I hate about my f---ing self? Its that I let everything either put me down or get to me. Everything! I wish I wouldn't, I just can't help it. It just happens. I can't contain myself. And since I don't open to people very often it just builds up and up and then one day, I let it out. But on myself. And that is never good. It comes out on me and I do really stupid things. Or at least try to. And then, it all gets sucked back into myself cause it has no where else to go, and it adds up again. Everything starts over. Except that the next time is always worse than the time before. And its not always within a long period of time that it builds up, maybe just within one day. Things will happen, and I'll do my best and follow habit, of not showing it, or showing that it bothers me. Then, I'll be alone, and only then will it come out on myself again. Its just a rotation, but a rotation that will eventually have an end, either a good one or a bad. Bad being I end up doing something really stupid.
I wish I could stop it. I just don't know how. And I hate it that I lose a lot of things, people because of it. I say, it wont happen again I swear. Then the pressure piles up again, and I lose it. Its fate, I can't stop it. But I wish people knew that I try really hard. I try with everything too, I don't just sit around complaining and feeling sorry for myself, I don't. I do a lot and I try a lot. I just…I don't know. I don't know what to do about it all. If it doesn't stop, I'll lose everything, everyone, I know it. I just don't know how to stop it.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Utterly annoying
Silly little dreams, eh? You know that the majority of them aren’t gonna happen considering, they almost all deal with actually going somewhere, which costs money. Anyways…
What I find utterly annoying is how some people treat other religions from their own. Well, I cant consider myself a very ‘good’ Mormon but I do live a lot like one and know what they are. But I hear so many rumors about Mormons. It’s funny how I only ever hear sickening gossip about Mormons and not other religions. Like…the way people seriously think we have horns and are satanic. Or that what Mormons do in their temples is grow tails and horns and become devilish worshipping Satan. I know what goes on in a mormon temple and it is nothing like that. It is wonderful actually. I don’t see how people can even think those things by looking at a temple. They always stand out because they are so clean and white and glowing. The reason they don’t just let the whole world in is because it is scared to them. And they want to stay clean in every way. Weddings, sealings, baptisms, and receiving endowments is what happen there. There is more that even I cant know about. Yes, there is somewhat…in a way…’dealings’ with the dead. But that’s not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing. I love to feel a response from them when you’ve finished what work they could not while on this earth. There is nothing satanic about that. It is always a thank you that they give. And I can feel appreciated..and needed. I want to be married there, sort of a childish thing to say, I know. But I wont lie. And if not that, then I WILL be sealed there, to my love for eternity. That’s a long time, I know too, hard to even comprehend. But that is what I like about it. Not those usual words of ‘til’ death do us part’. I couldn’t accept just that while knowing that there was more. Anyways, I’ll stop with the fantasies.
But It hurts too, when they judge..not even by religion, just by the way you look, or how much money you have, etc. I know someone..who…well, they were on a bus one day and a little boy fell or something and cracked his head open, so this friend of mine went to help, because that’s how he is, and the sister of the little boy shooed him away like he was some kind of dog, telling him to get away from the boy and not so nice names. So he worried for so long that he couldn’t help when the girl could hardly carry the bleeding boy, and he felt so guilty that he didn’t help anyways, but it wasn’t his fault was it? It was the way he looked. Well, I feel really bad about this too because things like this happen all the time to me. And it is not fun, to have to sit in the back of that bus and watch the little boy bleed and scream because the sister could not do anything more for him. It just hurts. One mutual, they showed a movie put together about the tsunami victims, it showed pictures, and things of the areas and the people, and the children esp. and I remember I cried so hard for them. And I sewed little school bags for them, with pencils and paper and crayons, and such. I know, it sounds so easy sometimes for me to admit that I’d cry for things like this. Maybe it shows I am weak. Or just sensitive. I don’t know. But I see no reason why any child should have to live like many of them do. Or any family, to go without food for days because no one has enough strength to give something up, whether they have much either. Whether it is time, or shelter or whatever. I just don’t see a reason for it. When people can have so much, can have mansions, and more money than they know what to do with, and they see these people, they know they are there..and they don’t care. I just don’t understand it. Too much money does something to most people. It gives them power, and they choose to use it in a way that helps no one, not even themselves.
I guess it is just the way people are and we can’t do anything about it. I just..I can’t help but want to do something. I’m sure most people think that this enthusiasm to help will pass with age..but I’ve had it my whole life, and I don’t think it ever will. It’s what I like to do, some people like to shop, or play sports, or whatever, and I like this. Even though I don’t even have enough to sustain myself.
Well, I’ll stop with that topic, I could go on with it forever.
Well, last night, there was a huge storm, the wind gets really bad here, but we don’t ever get tornados in this area, too many mountains. Probably thanks to the Tetons. But we were warned to stay indoors and away from windows..peoples windows were crashing in everywhere. But anyways, I’m not really sure why…but I’ve always loved rain and I’ve always loved thunderstorms, though not with so much wind. I just like rain. Its really strange I guess. I just can’t get enough. And here it is so dry, so brown, no green. Miles and miles of potato fields everywhere. That’s what makes me love Tennessee so much, it rains, and it is so so green. The forests are so thick and it looks like there’s broccoli all over the hills the way the forests are, lol. People don’t realize how brown and sad it is up here until they visit the south. And the accents of the people are just awesome, put just the right mood into it, lol. I used to have one, believe it or not, it was quite a strong one too. But its died now. Died into a little bit of an English now that I think of it. I mean, for example, if its hailing outside, I cant pronounce it any other way then ‘helling’, it’s a little weird. Hail is ‘hell’ and tail is ‘tell’ not without a bit of effort.
Anyways, I always seem to just ramble on and on. Lets see..
I guess not much else to say, or that I’d like to mention now.
What I find utterly annoying is how some people treat other religions from their own. Well, I cant consider myself a very ‘good’ Mormon but I do live a lot like one and know what they are. But I hear so many rumors about Mormons. It’s funny how I only ever hear sickening gossip about Mormons and not other religions. Like…the way people seriously think we have horns and are satanic. Or that what Mormons do in their temples is grow tails and horns and become devilish worshipping Satan. I know what goes on in a mormon temple and it is nothing like that. It is wonderful actually. I don’t see how people can even think those things by looking at a temple. They always stand out because they are so clean and white and glowing. The reason they don’t just let the whole world in is because it is scared to them. And they want to stay clean in every way. Weddings, sealings, baptisms, and receiving endowments is what happen there. There is more that even I cant know about. Yes, there is somewhat…in a way…’dealings’ with the dead. But that’s not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing. I love to feel a response from them when you’ve finished what work they could not while on this earth. There is nothing satanic about that. It is always a thank you that they give. And I can feel appreciated..and needed. I want to be married there, sort of a childish thing to say, I know. But I wont lie. And if not that, then I WILL be sealed there, to my love for eternity. That’s a long time, I know too, hard to even comprehend. But that is what I like about it. Not those usual words of ‘til’ death do us part’. I couldn’t accept just that while knowing that there was more. Anyways, I’ll stop with the fantasies.
But It hurts too, when they judge..not even by religion, just by the way you look, or how much money you have, etc. I know someone..who…well, they were on a bus one day and a little boy fell or something and cracked his head open, so this friend of mine went to help, because that’s how he is, and the sister of the little boy shooed him away like he was some kind of dog, telling him to get away from the boy and not so nice names. So he worried for so long that he couldn’t help when the girl could hardly carry the bleeding boy, and he felt so guilty that he didn’t help anyways, but it wasn’t his fault was it? It was the way he looked. Well, I feel really bad about this too because things like this happen all the time to me. And it is not fun, to have to sit in the back of that bus and watch the little boy bleed and scream because the sister could not do anything more for him. It just hurts. One mutual, they showed a movie put together about the tsunami victims, it showed pictures, and things of the areas and the people, and the children esp. and I remember I cried so hard for them. And I sewed little school bags for them, with pencils and paper and crayons, and such. I know, it sounds so easy sometimes for me to admit that I’d cry for things like this. Maybe it shows I am weak. Or just sensitive. I don’t know. But I see no reason why any child should have to live like many of them do. Or any family, to go without food for days because no one has enough strength to give something up, whether they have much either. Whether it is time, or shelter or whatever. I just don’t see a reason for it. When people can have so much, can have mansions, and more money than they know what to do with, and they see these people, they know they are there..and they don’t care. I just don’t understand it. Too much money does something to most people. It gives them power, and they choose to use it in a way that helps no one, not even themselves.
I guess it is just the way people are and we can’t do anything about it. I just..I can’t help but want to do something. I’m sure most people think that this enthusiasm to help will pass with age..but I’ve had it my whole life, and I don’t think it ever will. It’s what I like to do, some people like to shop, or play sports, or whatever, and I like this. Even though I don’t even have enough to sustain myself.
Well, I’ll stop with that topic, I could go on with it forever.
Well, last night, there was a huge storm, the wind gets really bad here, but we don’t ever get tornados in this area, too many mountains. Probably thanks to the Tetons. But we were warned to stay indoors and away from windows..peoples windows were crashing in everywhere. But anyways, I’m not really sure why…but I’ve always loved rain and I’ve always loved thunderstorms, though not with so much wind. I just like rain. Its really strange I guess. I just can’t get enough. And here it is so dry, so brown, no green. Miles and miles of potato fields everywhere. That’s what makes me love Tennessee so much, it rains, and it is so so green. The forests are so thick and it looks like there’s broccoli all over the hills the way the forests are, lol. People don’t realize how brown and sad it is up here until they visit the south. And the accents of the people are just awesome, put just the right mood into it, lol. I used to have one, believe it or not, it was quite a strong one too. But its died now. Died into a little bit of an English now that I think of it. I mean, for example, if its hailing outside, I cant pronounce it any other way then ‘helling’, it’s a little weird. Hail is ‘hell’ and tail is ‘tell’ not without a bit of effort.
Anyways, I always seem to just ramble on and on. Lets see..
I guess not much else to say, or that I’d like to mention now.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Hopes and Dreams
30 hopes and dreams
You never know…one day they might come true, but these are just what I can think of. What I want to do before I die. And that’s going to take quite a while if they’re ever going to be made real, take a lot of work too.
1-Go to New York City and see either Phantom of the Opera or Beauty and the Beast on Broadway.
2-Go to Alaska and see the Aurora Borealis.
3-Go to the Louvre Museum and see every piece there.
4-See a European Medieval castle.
5-Go to Dublin, Ireland, and everywhere around just to see the green hills.
6-Go to London and see the Cathedrals
7-Go to Rome and see everything including the Coliseum
8-At least see where the Vatican City is.
9-Go to Pompeii
10-Go to Paris and see the Eiffel Tower..climb all the way to the top to see the lights of the city at night.
11-Learn to speak German and go to Germany. ( attempt to find my ancestors)
12- Go to Russia and see St. Petersburg.
13- Play a part in a Phantom of the Opera play.
14-Learn at least one song in Latin.
15-Adopt at least one child from another country, maybe Asian or African.
16-Find an African refugee camp and do everything I can to help, and maybe not just in Africa, like, other countries too.
17-Go to China…and not just to see the wall…but the mountains and the people(had this since I was in 3rd grade) and visit Japan too.
18-Go to Scandinavia and see Viking remains.
19-At least see the Himalayas.
20-See the Taj Mahal.
21-Go to Egypt and see…everything!
22-Ride an elephant.
23-Go to the Amazon forest.
24-Learn to read Egyptian Hieroglyphs
25-Do a lot of photography along the way.
26- Get married and be a mother.
27-Make and entire CD but not necessarily letting go to the public.
28-Win a trophy of some kind. (It must mean that I’ve never before since its on the list, heartrending huh?)
29-Learn to speak at least three other languages to as full a possible, including any one form of Gaelic.
And…
30-Start and finish at least one book.
And just for good luck…
31-Be in two places at once.
You never know…one day they might come true, but these are just what I can think of. What I want to do before I die. And that’s going to take quite a while if they’re ever going to be made real, take a lot of work too.
1-Go to New York City and see either Phantom of the Opera or Beauty and the Beast on Broadway.
2-Go to Alaska and see the Aurora Borealis.
3-Go to the Louvre Museum and see every piece there.
4-See a European Medieval castle.
5-Go to Dublin, Ireland, and everywhere around just to see the green hills.
6-Go to London and see the Cathedrals
7-Go to Rome and see everything including the Coliseum
8-At least see where the Vatican City is.
9-Go to Pompeii
10-Go to Paris and see the Eiffel Tower..climb all the way to the top to see the lights of the city at night.
11-Learn to speak German and go to Germany. ( attempt to find my ancestors)
12- Go to Russia and see St. Petersburg.
13- Play a part in a Phantom of the Opera play.
14-Learn at least one song in Latin.
15-Adopt at least one child from another country, maybe Asian or African.
16-Find an African refugee camp and do everything I can to help, and maybe not just in Africa, like, other countries too.
17-Go to China…and not just to see the wall…but the mountains and the people(had this since I was in 3rd grade) and visit Japan too.
18-Go to Scandinavia and see Viking remains.
19-At least see the Himalayas.
20-See the Taj Mahal.
21-Go to Egypt and see…everything!
22-Ride an elephant.
23-Go to the Amazon forest.
24-Learn to read Egyptian Hieroglyphs
25-Do a lot of photography along the way.
26- Get married and be a mother.
27-Make and entire CD but not necessarily letting go to the public.
28-Win a trophy of some kind. (It must mean that I’ve never before since its on the list, heartrending huh?)
29-Learn to speak at least three other languages to as full a possible, including any one form of Gaelic.
And…
30-Start and finish at least one book.
And just for good luck…
31-Be in two places at once.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
not just sometimes...
march 22
I’ve had an interesting day..first I just want to say what is upsetting me right now..I know it must seem trivial now, but well, it involves my step dad. He had given Emily a few slices of an orange for dinner, so she was eating them, but it was hurting her every bite she took because her lips are chapped. But she would take another bite, I guess because she was hungry, you know. So then, my step dad hit her and took her downstairs because she whimpered with every bite. He took her down screaming and him yelling and cussing at her things she didn’t understand. But…it was I think the first time that my mom opposed it. I just heard her say his name in that one tone as he passed, but apparently he didn’t hear. He doesn’t ‘hear’ when he’s like that, which most often is. I don’t get it though, little things like that happen and he gets so mad and I don’t understand, he doesn’t drink or anything. There is no excuse…oh well, its life, I guess.
Anyways..I just wish he wouldn’t do that.
So today,I was in a general music class that I’m taking for about six weeks or so and well, there was a big test today, but turns out that someone stole the test. I don’t know, I didn’t think it was such a big deal, certainly not as big as Mr. French made it. But, wow, you have never seen that man mad. You think you have until someone pulls a prank like this. I mean, you never see him mad, he’s always one to joke around. But wow, you just don’t know what he’s going to do. And then, he’s starts accusing different students in that class. And that was getting no where. I mean,, he told one boy, Marcos, “I bet you want to beat the shit out of me” bla bla bla. And Marcos was like, um, well yea, but because I didn’t do it. We could hold that slip of the word ‘shit’ to a student against him, you know. But it was spur of the moment, he thought it would let everyone know that he was serious and someone would fess up. So, his way of solving the problem was entering a 0 for that test for every person in that class, and he made a point of saying that it was worth 147 points. Or, in other words about 80% of the grade, so no matter what, the highest grade you could come out of that class with is a D right now, until someone confesses. Which will never happen, considering none of them did it. Either he misplaced it or a student from another class tried to make a joke that went too far. I know that for a fact it is one of those two. But oh well. He may have cooled by tomorrow.
Anyways, so, during the hour that he was out of the classroom, doing heaven knows what to his ‘suspects’..I got to talking to a few people that I rarely talk to..considering I rarely talk to anyone, esp. in from that class anyways. But cindy and Marcos, both mexican, but I’ve known Cindy from another class, and Marcos, all too well from experiences of 3…almost four years ago. I knew that he has done some, not so good things. But I only was involved because of the kind of people I hung out with..dont get me wrong, they were good friends at the time…but anyways not the point, maybe I shouldn’t talk about this, because I don’t want to be known to only pity everyone…people look at that as if it is a bad thing, and sometimes I guess it can be. Anyways, they were just telling about some stories..etc. and I know that marcos has an arrest warrant to take care of in CA because he didn’t show up for court or something. But yes, he isn’t the best person in the world. I guess it was pity, I hate myself for that. I want to help him, but I guess I cant. Anyways, Cindy, was telling me about her dad, how he wont touch her because he knows what she’ll do, call the police.. etc. just, well I guess things to that extent…well, I don’t know the point of why I said all that… I just did.
So…I was watching this..documentary, about a guy who used to be a stand up comedian, but used his talents for teenagers, etc. anyways, yea, it was against my will too to watch it, but I don’t know now, whether it was a good thing or not. Maybe it just made me realize that I don’t know how to do it. It tells you that you can, but not how.
I realized just how much I hate myself. I wanted to cry right then, when he said that you should love yourself, and I had heard those words before. I wish I could, and I do…sometimes.. I wish I could always…but, I don’t know how. I know that I do it to myself. And I know that one way..one way is to go to a psychiatric hospital. But I don’t think I want to do that, because it would require me to talk. I don’t want to talk. not to them at least. I just hate myself for it, for what I do to myself, and for the fact that I bring myself down so much. I am so incredibly..stupid. I know that telling myself these things also gets me nowhere if not lower. But I cant stop..its what I’ve started to believe in. ..
I mean, I’ve got all the wonderful quotes, and things, and people, to look to. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know if this is selfish or not..but I must love myself enough to long to be happy becaue I do, I long to feel it. long. wish. hope. Desire maybe even that I just want it…happy as often as possible.. not just sometimes… I just…I wish I knew what was wrong. Why I cant stop hating myself.
Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. And the artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.
I’ve had an interesting day..first I just want to say what is upsetting me right now..I know it must seem trivial now, but well, it involves my step dad. He had given Emily a few slices of an orange for dinner, so she was eating them, but it was hurting her every bite she took because her lips are chapped. But she would take another bite, I guess because she was hungry, you know. So then, my step dad hit her and took her downstairs because she whimpered with every bite. He took her down screaming and him yelling and cussing at her things she didn’t understand. But…it was I think the first time that my mom opposed it. I just heard her say his name in that one tone as he passed, but apparently he didn’t hear. He doesn’t ‘hear’ when he’s like that, which most often is. I don’t get it though, little things like that happen and he gets so mad and I don’t understand, he doesn’t drink or anything. There is no excuse…oh well, its life, I guess.
Anyways..I just wish he wouldn’t do that.
So today,I was in a general music class that I’m taking for about six weeks or so and well, there was a big test today, but turns out that someone stole the test. I don’t know, I didn’t think it was such a big deal, certainly not as big as Mr. French made it. But, wow, you have never seen that man mad. You think you have until someone pulls a prank like this. I mean, you never see him mad, he’s always one to joke around. But wow, you just don’t know what he’s going to do. And then, he’s starts accusing different students in that class. And that was getting no where. I mean,, he told one boy, Marcos, “I bet you want to beat the shit out of me” bla bla bla. And Marcos was like, um, well yea, but because I didn’t do it. We could hold that slip of the word ‘shit’ to a student against him, you know. But it was spur of the moment, he thought it would let everyone know that he was serious and someone would fess up. So, his way of solving the problem was entering a 0 for that test for every person in that class, and he made a point of saying that it was worth 147 points. Or, in other words about 80% of the grade, so no matter what, the highest grade you could come out of that class with is a D right now, until someone confesses. Which will never happen, considering none of them did it. Either he misplaced it or a student from another class tried to make a joke that went too far. I know that for a fact it is one of those two. But oh well. He may have cooled by tomorrow.
Anyways, so, during the hour that he was out of the classroom, doing heaven knows what to his ‘suspects’..I got to talking to a few people that I rarely talk to..considering I rarely talk to anyone, esp. in from that class anyways. But cindy and Marcos, both mexican, but I’ve known Cindy from another class, and Marcos, all too well from experiences of 3…almost four years ago. I knew that he has done some, not so good things. But I only was involved because of the kind of people I hung out with..dont get me wrong, they were good friends at the time…but anyways not the point, maybe I shouldn’t talk about this, because I don’t want to be known to only pity everyone…people look at that as if it is a bad thing, and sometimes I guess it can be. Anyways, they were just telling about some stories..etc. and I know that marcos has an arrest warrant to take care of in CA because he didn’t show up for court or something. But yes, he isn’t the best person in the world. I guess it was pity, I hate myself for that. I want to help him, but I guess I cant. Anyways, Cindy, was telling me about her dad, how he wont touch her because he knows what she’ll do, call the police.. etc. just, well I guess things to that extent…well, I don’t know the point of why I said all that… I just did.
So…I was watching this..documentary, about a guy who used to be a stand up comedian, but used his talents for teenagers, etc. anyways, yea, it was against my will too to watch it, but I don’t know now, whether it was a good thing or not. Maybe it just made me realize that I don’t know how to do it. It tells you that you can, but not how.
I realized just how much I hate myself. I wanted to cry right then, when he said that you should love yourself, and I had heard those words before. I wish I could, and I do…sometimes.. I wish I could always…but, I don’t know how. I know that I do it to myself. And I know that one way..one way is to go to a psychiatric hospital. But I don’t think I want to do that, because it would require me to talk. I don’t want to talk. not to them at least. I just hate myself for it, for what I do to myself, and for the fact that I bring myself down so much. I am so incredibly..stupid. I know that telling myself these things also gets me nowhere if not lower. But I cant stop..its what I’ve started to believe in. ..
I mean, I’ve got all the wonderful quotes, and things, and people, to look to. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know if this is selfish or not..but I must love myself enough to long to be happy becaue I do, I long to feel it. long. wish. hope. Desire maybe even that I just want it…happy as often as possible.. not just sometimes… I just…I wish I knew what was wrong. Why I cant stop hating myself.
Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. And the artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Trial and error
Well, todays gone good, because it started out well around 8ish this morning...hmm
anyways, now its not so good, I've got news that Ethan's mom now has cancer, he'll probably be moving to Seattle, but thats good for him, a lot more oppotunities for his music.
I've got a fricking 20 page math assignment, dont we all just love Trial and error?
So..well...snow is still out there.
*
*
*
*
Well, that was short, I have to go..people are mad at me at the moment.
anyways, now its not so good, I've got news that Ethan's mom now has cancer, he'll probably be moving to Seattle, but thats good for him, a lot more oppotunities for his music.
I've got a fricking 20 page math assignment, dont we all just love Trial and error?
So..well...snow is still out there.
*
*
*
*
Well, that was short, I have to go..people are mad at me at the moment.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
‘tis a beautiful thing
Well, that was a good little change, interesting, dunno how I came up with a three part blog like that, but hey, I spent some time on it….four blogs in two days, just about. Technically only two though.
Anyways, Its sooo cold!! Just when I get excited for spring, it dump five more inches on us..I mean, it is pretty to look at, when on the trees, etc…but, its just so cold, and everything is so dull now, there isn’t enough to do anything. Not that I would, but even still..it’d be nice to go on a walk without freezing to death.
So, the other day I went saw the newest remake of king kong, it was always a cheesy movie, but this was really good actually. Though, three hours long, it was pretty good. And yes, I know, just a love story, but it reminds me of myself a lot. *shrug* Well, I liked it, sometimes a good long movie is better because after three hours you’ve grown so attached to each character, and so when one dies, it means more, you know? That’s why books are usually better, and besides the fact that a book lets you decide for yourself, exactly what each character will look like and the surroundings. Anyways…well, it went well, only one strange thing happened, what a record! Of course, I wasn’t the only one who heard it, so that was a change.
Anyways, after the movie, I was out waiting for a ride, and I saw the clouds parted in a place and you could see the light of the moon behind them. I thought it was beautiful in itself. But later, the moon peeked out, and it was even more beautiful. I know, I’m strange, but its almost a good as a sunrise/set. But, it was big and round and had a tint of yellow to it, with a few rings of color surrounding it. You know what that means, trouble on the way. Well, Amalia thought it was a little creepy, I thought it was wonderful. And you could see stars here and there, and Orion.
Evan was in a quartet today, They were perfect, they sounded so good! Their voices melted together just right, and yet you could still hear each individual voice. He was the youngest in the group and yet he was the bass. Funny how that works out. Whenever I do sing, I am always an alto, though, I can be soprano, just with a little more effort.
Well, I just realized something , I’m leaving the third of June, right, to be there for dad’s birthday, go to some Egyptian museum in Nashville I think..something special is going to be there, I just don’t know what, anyways…so I leave the third, and Evan leaves on the 26th! Wow…..I don’t know what I’m going to do..or what its going to be like. That’s two days over three weeks, I have absolutely never been away from him for so long. We are always together…I don’t know what I’m gonna do, well, first I’ve got to make sure I’m getting to the right gates on the flight changes on my way to Tennessee…lol. But not the point…I suppose its good practice, I’m going to have to leave him sometime, and only a couple years til he’s off on his mission, that’ll be two years right there! Two! And he’ll have changed so much when he comes home from that, for the better of course, its always for the better. I’ll sob that day he leaves, but only half because I’ll miss him and the other because I’m so happy he made it that far, assuming he does. I mean, he will, I know he will. He’s too close to perfect not to. I know he’s gonna get annoyed with me writin every day, lol.
Anyways, I’ve got to be going now, til’ then!
Anyways, Its sooo cold!! Just when I get excited for spring, it dump five more inches on us..I mean, it is pretty to look at, when on the trees, etc…but, its just so cold, and everything is so dull now, there isn’t enough to do anything. Not that I would, but even still..it’d be nice to go on a walk without freezing to death.
So, the other day I went saw the newest remake of king kong, it was always a cheesy movie, but this was really good actually. Though, three hours long, it was pretty good. And yes, I know, just a love story, but it reminds me of myself a lot. *shrug* Well, I liked it, sometimes a good long movie is better because after three hours you’ve grown so attached to each character, and so when one dies, it means more, you know? That’s why books are usually better, and besides the fact that a book lets you decide for yourself, exactly what each character will look like and the surroundings. Anyways…well, it went well, only one strange thing happened, what a record! Of course, I wasn’t the only one who heard it, so that was a change.
Anyways, after the movie, I was out waiting for a ride, and I saw the clouds parted in a place and you could see the light of the moon behind them. I thought it was beautiful in itself. But later, the moon peeked out, and it was even more beautiful. I know, I’m strange, but its almost a good as a sunrise/set. But, it was big and round and had a tint of yellow to it, with a few rings of color surrounding it. You know what that means, trouble on the way. Well, Amalia thought it was a little creepy, I thought it was wonderful. And you could see stars here and there, and Orion.
Evan was in a quartet today, They were perfect, they sounded so good! Their voices melted together just right, and yet you could still hear each individual voice. He was the youngest in the group and yet he was the bass. Funny how that works out. Whenever I do sing, I am always an alto, though, I can be soprano, just with a little more effort.
Well, I just realized something , I’m leaving the third of June, right, to be there for dad’s birthday, go to some Egyptian museum in Nashville I think..something special is going to be there, I just don’t know what, anyways…so I leave the third, and Evan leaves on the 26th! Wow…..I don’t know what I’m going to do..or what its going to be like. That’s two days over three weeks, I have absolutely never been away from him for so long. We are always together…I don’t know what I’m gonna do, well, first I’ve got to make sure I’m getting to the right gates on the flight changes on my way to Tennessee…lol. But not the point…I suppose its good practice, I’m going to have to leave him sometime, and only a couple years til he’s off on his mission, that’ll be two years right there! Two! And he’ll have changed so much when he comes home from that, for the better of course, its always for the better. I’ll sob that day he leaves, but only half because I’ll miss him and the other because I’m so happy he made it that far, assuming he does. I mean, he will, I know he will. He’s too close to perfect not to. I know he’s gonna get annoyed with me writin every day, lol.
Anyways, I’ve got to be going now, til’ then!
MeMoRiEs- part three
and part three...MeMoRiEs the final ...
Feb. 2nd o6
‘…A Quick overview…turns out those emails were from kaje… she hasn’t talked to me since they found out, the police were involved and everything, I feel so guilty, maybe I shouldn’t but I do. Garrett’s no longer allowed near me..I really don’t understand this…what is so wrong with me. Ethan…I think is a lying fag. And I still consider him a friend…long story. And Rohit wants me to do a spell to possess him, errg…anyways that’s it in a nutshell, oh, and I cut myself in tech today, at least my entire finger didn’t come off, that’s a plus….sable…’
Feb 6th o6
‘…Anyways, I’m kinda upset. It’s a small matter, I know, but its always adding up. The 11th last straw, eh? So of course, mom makes it even worse, always. (I remember she used to….) She got everyone excited and said “I’ve got something to tell you all. ( wow, she’s actually talking! No, actually, she didn’t quite say it like that) So, ‘Pa’ has decided he would make a deal with you, that he will start a bank account for you personally for college. And every dollar that you put in, he’ll add two.” Wow, that’s great, eh?!
Oh yea, except for you and evan. You’ll have to find some other way, good luck with that!....’
‘…I mean, I have tried and tried to earn ‘Pa and grammi’s’ love, or, heck, attention. Even let the m acknowledge my existence. I did everything they told me w/hope that they would start to care. Grammi wanted Silhouette drawings, I drew some, spent a lot of time on them and even gave them to her in person. She took them, and has sold them. They are the richest people you’ll meet, I mean, they own a farm with over a hundred acres, they have a house in Washington, one in Arizona, a beach house, and huge motor home, how much more money do they need, they’re always decked out in jewelry, etc. and she sells them…she sells them. I did what she asked so that she’d maybe…I dunno, I hate my hopes, they never work out anyways, stupid. I’m so stupid. Damn the hopes and dreams….’
‘…and you know, just the way mom and (step)dad treat me…esp. greg. I hate him, both of them so much and I always fall for their damn traps.
It’s the stupid usual. Treat me like the animal I am I guess. Makes sense, I am just as horrible as any animal anyways, right? I hate them. He doesn’t even get it, and when he does, its wrong. I give him a sad look hoping he’ll figure out that I’m sad, but no, he yells around the house that “don’t give me that attitude!” what attitude?? I’m sad, depressed, I’m trying to kill myself. Not be lazy..I’m tryin to be…I dunno.
“You’re so damned lazy!” “Oh, you’re too damn busy to get off your damn ass and take care of your sister.” He says..I RAISE Emily! She’s your child! All you ever do is the yelling and the punishing of a child who doesn’t know better. A child who hardly knows right from wrong because her own father…parents, wont teach it to her, only yell at her for not knowing it. She’s what? 4? Do you really want her memories to be like that? Do you know why she throws tantrums a lot? Because she wants your attention, no matter, even if its just yelling and hitting. Because she doesn’t know her parents, they are simply two people that yell at her on a daily basis. You can yell at me , you can spank and hit me, you can threaten me…do whatever you want with me, after all, I’m used to it. But not your 4 year old daughter, please, not her, if anything, do what you to her, to me instead.
Yea, I’m a coward, hunker down in my room and cry. And for more reason than you’d think.
Then you get mad at me for rarely coming out. Ever wonder why? Obviously not, but so you know, about 50 % of the reasons are you.
No, I am not jealous about the money thing. Not jealous at all. I’m happy for them, that they can follow their dreams, but if its okay, I’ll be just a little worried for myself, if that’s not too selfish?....’
Date unknown- Bhagavad
‘…“I got this today,” they say, “tomarrow I shall get that. This wealth is mine, and that will be mine too. I have destroyed my enemies. I shall destroy other too! Am I not like God? I enjoy what I want. I am successful. I am powerful. I am happy. I am rich and well-born Who is equal to me? I will perform sacrifices and give gifts, and rejoice in my own generosity” This is how they go on, deluded by ignorance, whirled about by a fragmented mind, they fall into a dark hell. Self-important, obstinate, swept away by the pride of wealth, they ostentatiously perform sacrifices without any regard for their purpose. Egotistical, violent, arrogant, lustful, angry, envious of everyone, they abuse my presence within their own bodies and in the bodies of others…”’
‘…By my good man David A. Bednar, gone now to higher places, from college leader to a position in the Quorum of the Twelve. “ With faith…we must walk to the edge of the light and into the darkness. As we so walk I testify and promise that the light will move. When I was your age and wondering some of the exact same things that you are now wondering, I never would have imagined that’s someday we would be at Ricks College as we are…I know the light moves as we walk in faith to the edge of the light.”…’
March 15th o6
‘…I don’t know what is wrong with me, I’m slipping down again, and I was so determined not to.
I am trying desperately hard at the moment not to just burst out sobbing. I hate them, I hate them so much, all of them…maybe not, but close…but most, again. I wish I had control over myself…but most times, it seems like I cant, or don’t. I thought I was there…finally. There, up with everyone else, ready to be able to be proud. I always think that, always always always..why?? I should stop doing that to myself. Just adds one more pain, I must stop shoving those thought in…they are lies, what am I thinking? I will never ever be back. I will never be nearly as high as I wish. I will never be good enough. Never. Anger comes out of nothing and all I can do is wait and feel it as it evolves into sadness or depression, as it has now. I cannot take this! And I bring it on myself!I bring it on myself, that is why I said I hate myself, for what I do, for what I do to myself, and for my mind too. I am an idiot, a jerk, anything else you can think of that is bad..I am it.
I know that deep, I still have too much human nature ( fear of death) to do ‘it’ myself. That is why it never worked, will never work. So, I’ll wait til it happens on its own..if only I knew…if only I knew what was so wrong with me. If only they knew, someone, what I need, even I do not know. I don’t know what to do…I don’t..hell, I am such a fucking idiot.
This happens every time …I refuse to mention though. Afraid to mention, afraid to admit that the only…thing keeping me up is him. Otherwise, without him, I am gone….’
“Sometimes I think that I’m not good at all, and sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all. But then you assure me, I’m a little more than useless, when I think that I cant do this, you promise me that I’ll get through this, and do something right, do something right for once.”
Feb. 2nd o6
‘…A Quick overview…turns out those emails were from kaje… she hasn’t talked to me since they found out, the police were involved and everything, I feel so guilty, maybe I shouldn’t but I do. Garrett’s no longer allowed near me..I really don’t understand this…what is so wrong with me. Ethan…I think is a lying fag. And I still consider him a friend…long story. And Rohit wants me to do a spell to possess him, errg…anyways that’s it in a nutshell, oh, and I cut myself in tech today, at least my entire finger didn’t come off, that’s a plus….sable…’
Feb 6th o6
‘…Anyways, I’m kinda upset. It’s a small matter, I know, but its always adding up. The 11th last straw, eh? So of course, mom makes it even worse, always. (I remember she used to….) She got everyone excited and said “I’ve got something to tell you all. ( wow, she’s actually talking! No, actually, she didn’t quite say it like that) So, ‘Pa’ has decided he would make a deal with you, that he will start a bank account for you personally for college. And every dollar that you put in, he’ll add two.” Wow, that’s great, eh?!
Oh yea, except for you and evan. You’ll have to find some other way, good luck with that!....’
‘…I mean, I have tried and tried to earn ‘Pa and grammi’s’ love, or, heck, attention. Even let the m acknowledge my existence. I did everything they told me w/hope that they would start to care. Grammi wanted Silhouette drawings, I drew some, spent a lot of time on them and even gave them to her in person. She took them, and has sold them. They are the richest people you’ll meet, I mean, they own a farm with over a hundred acres, they have a house in Washington, one in Arizona, a beach house, and huge motor home, how much more money do they need, they’re always decked out in jewelry, etc. and she sells them…she sells them. I did what she asked so that she’d maybe…I dunno, I hate my hopes, they never work out anyways, stupid. I’m so stupid. Damn the hopes and dreams….’
‘…and you know, just the way mom and (step)dad treat me…esp. greg. I hate him, both of them so much and I always fall for their damn traps.
It’s the stupid usual. Treat me like the animal I am I guess. Makes sense, I am just as horrible as any animal anyways, right? I hate them. He doesn’t even get it, and when he does, its wrong. I give him a sad look hoping he’ll figure out that I’m sad, but no, he yells around the house that “don’t give me that attitude!” what attitude?? I’m sad, depressed, I’m trying to kill myself. Not be lazy..I’m tryin to be…I dunno.
“You’re so damned lazy!” “Oh, you’re too damn busy to get off your damn ass and take care of your sister.” He says..I RAISE Emily! She’s your child! All you ever do is the yelling and the punishing of a child who doesn’t know better. A child who hardly knows right from wrong because her own father…parents, wont teach it to her, only yell at her for not knowing it. She’s what? 4? Do you really want her memories to be like that? Do you know why she throws tantrums a lot? Because she wants your attention, no matter, even if its just yelling and hitting. Because she doesn’t know her parents, they are simply two people that yell at her on a daily basis. You can yell at me , you can spank and hit me, you can threaten me…do whatever you want with me, after all, I’m used to it. But not your 4 year old daughter, please, not her, if anything, do what you to her, to me instead.
Yea, I’m a coward, hunker down in my room and cry. And for more reason than you’d think.
Then you get mad at me for rarely coming out. Ever wonder why? Obviously not, but so you know, about 50 % of the reasons are you.
No, I am not jealous about the money thing. Not jealous at all. I’m happy for them, that they can follow their dreams, but if its okay, I’ll be just a little worried for myself, if that’s not too selfish?....’
Date unknown- Bhagavad
‘…“I got this today,” they say, “tomarrow I shall get that. This wealth is mine, and that will be mine too. I have destroyed my enemies. I shall destroy other too! Am I not like God? I enjoy what I want. I am successful. I am powerful. I am happy. I am rich and well-born Who is equal to me? I will perform sacrifices and give gifts, and rejoice in my own generosity” This is how they go on, deluded by ignorance, whirled about by a fragmented mind, they fall into a dark hell. Self-important, obstinate, swept away by the pride of wealth, they ostentatiously perform sacrifices without any regard for their purpose. Egotistical, violent, arrogant, lustful, angry, envious of everyone, they abuse my presence within their own bodies and in the bodies of others…”’
‘…By my good man David A. Bednar, gone now to higher places, from college leader to a position in the Quorum of the Twelve. “ With faith…we must walk to the edge of the light and into the darkness. As we so walk I testify and promise that the light will move. When I was your age and wondering some of the exact same things that you are now wondering, I never would have imagined that’s someday we would be at Ricks College as we are…I know the light moves as we walk in faith to the edge of the light.”…’
March 15th o6
‘…I don’t know what is wrong with me, I’m slipping down again, and I was so determined not to.
I am trying desperately hard at the moment not to just burst out sobbing. I hate them, I hate them so much, all of them…maybe not, but close…but most, again. I wish I had control over myself…but most times, it seems like I cant, or don’t. I thought I was there…finally. There, up with everyone else, ready to be able to be proud. I always think that, always always always..why?? I should stop doing that to myself. Just adds one more pain, I must stop shoving those thought in…they are lies, what am I thinking? I will never ever be back. I will never be nearly as high as I wish. I will never be good enough. Never. Anger comes out of nothing and all I can do is wait and feel it as it evolves into sadness or depression, as it has now. I cannot take this! And I bring it on myself!I bring it on myself, that is why I said I hate myself, for what I do, for what I do to myself, and for my mind too. I am an idiot, a jerk, anything else you can think of that is bad..I am it.
I know that deep, I still have too much human nature ( fear of death) to do ‘it’ myself. That is why it never worked, will never work. So, I’ll wait til it happens on its own..if only I knew…if only I knew what was so wrong with me. If only they knew, someone, what I need, even I do not know. I don’t know what to do…I don’t..hell, I am such a fucking idiot.
This happens every time …I refuse to mention though. Afraid to mention, afraid to admit that the only…thing keeping me up is him. Otherwise, without him, I am gone….’
“Sometimes I think that I’m not good at all, and sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all. But then you assure me, I’m a little more than useless, when I think that I cant do this, you promise me that I’ll get through this, and do something right, do something right for once.”
MeMoRiEs-part two
Here comes part two..MeMoRiEs cont...
Oct. 27th o5
' I feel now, as though these terrible things are soon to come to an end, that soon things will,for the most part, become as they were before. And yet, I know that it is only the beginning. Merely a preview of what is to come. Which I dread greatly, I can only wish that going through this passed year has prepared me enough for the much worse trials and problems that I'm going to have to endure…A lot of strange things are/have been happening lately. And it takes me along time before I realize the "might be" why. It takes me longer and longer to realize and be able to distinguish between myself and…well….'
'I feel guilt stricken, though I am not exactly sure what for. In my mind, I lay, sobbing with my head on the floor. I am sure there are many reasons I feel guilty, many reasons I blame myself for so many things. But I am in so much confusion, as I always am, constantly. My mind is that swirl of colors as it always has been, except now, I am having trouble understanding them myself. I cant catch one thought and convert to understandable words anymore. Or at least it is very hard. This "swirl of colors" is now accompanied by more, like black though, like fire, consuming and surrounding and suffocating my original. Merging with my own thoughts. I don't know if any of this is making sense as it comes out, but I am letting my hand write, letting it take charge, and this is what has come out……I used to be able to find any thought or memory, pluck it out of the "colors" and make sense of it, then find words to describe it. It used to be so easy. But now I can hardly find any anymore….It feels as though a "blackness" or some snake of smoke like thing moves in me, in and around organs and bones and thoughts and emotions, swirls and wanders around them as if it has a mind of its own….I remember that day, about a week or so ago actually, that I really felt it strong. I remember I felt as though it surrounded my heart, suffocating it and then piercing straight into it. You don't know the unbearable pain….'
Oct. 28th o5
Well we are back from the concert, it was very good..but more of that later. It is by pure chance that I'm actually writing anything at all right now. I have the worst feeling right now. I can barely sit up straight. It is not that I am tierd…I cant really explain. Strange enough, my little secret (one of them at least), I wish so much to have someone here that knows and understands it and cares. Someone who loves me and cares and notices when something is terribly wrong. Who's there to hold e when I need comforting. I wont say who I wish this was right now, because at this point, I have to accept that it cannot be, so my second is anyone else who could fit that description, as long as there is someone. Because sometimes, well, most times, I actually secretly don't like this "loner" thing that I've got. And I know I don't like being alone. I feel and am alone……But I don't like being left alone with it. It's like being left behind in the dark of a maze that it is so dark you are even unable to see the walls of it, where you know there is something in the dark with you but you cant see or hear it, but you can feel it there, and you aren't sure whether its friendly or not….'
Oct. 30th o5
' "Hiemmelhoch jauchenzend und zum Tode betrubt"'
'…I have done nothing that I can remember for two weeks and the only reason I can say this now is because a subject evan brought up…love…? I had forgotten it..and its all slowly coming back to me…my first real love..I will talk to him today. I don't know if I really can love anymore. But I know that I did, e ven at this age, yes. I wonder if I still love though, him, or anyone else. But I remember, I was really truly, almost madly with him. I don't know, maybe I still am. I cannot tell anymore, I wonder if I would recognize it if I ever felt it again. I know that it would hurt him to hear me say this. I know that much, that it hurts when they hear something like this…but..its true, I don't know, I'm lost and confused and tangled right now. I don't think I am even fully myself. It is back and forth, and only for short moments that I can realize this…'
Nov. 5th o5
'…you know? I've realized that all of this, all of my…misfortune…it is all my own fault. I brought it upon myself. I started out looking for someone to blame, looking for a scapegoat. And my conclusion: myself. It is all my fault, everything. It is my fault that I…'
Nov. 8th o5
'…I'll see if I can write…I wonder if there was a way to speak with the legion…I wonder if it has a name…I just had a strange moment. More like 10 or 15 minutes. I was sitting there, legs dangling…I had my pen for two reasons. One, because I had planned to write…..but anyways, I just wanted to jump and fall, feel the few minutes of falling. I remember the pen no longer in my hand neither the paper on my lap. Then I remember the collision with the floor. Sitting there not moving, hardly breathing, staring, hurting, surrounded by the papers. Suddenly being in the bathroom against the wall willing it to speak to me. Willing it to say what it wants. Speak to me…what do you want what do you want what do you want…I think I got a response but I don't know. I think so, what do you want, I want ----- and that is my secret to tell whom I wish. I'm very confused and disoriented now, cant focus really. Very very confused, I don't understand…'
Date around Yule time,- convo
‘…
~ThO I tRy 2 Talk Sense InTo MYseLf, But I JUsT Wont LisTEN- see, that’s why I don’t want you to care so much, anyone! That’s why I don’t want anyone to know! Cause they’ll be hurt…they WILL, you WILL! And I cant do anything after that.
~I woke up today, and it wasn’t with u, I guess I left ur heart, maybe I can get back around- jules..if that’s the case…hurt me
~I woke up…- HURT ME BAD
~I woke up- HURT ME TO DEATH
~I woke up- I WANT YOU TO HURT ME
~I woke up- not me to hurt me, but you…I want you to talk.
~ThO I tRy- no
~I woke up- not me to stab me everytime im around you and didn’t do anything about it
~ThO I tRy- no
~ I woke up- NO STOP JULES
~ I woke up- Im talking right now
~ThO- I wont hurt you
~I woke- JULIE, LISTEN
~I woke- if you don’t hurt me, ill hurt myself..back to root one, and death will come within the hour, cuz I will hurt myself.
~ThO- oh great, put my on a guilt trip!
~I woke- no
~ThO- I have no choice then?
~I woke- shut up jules
~I woke- sorry, but now its me talking.
~ThO- I either hurt you, or you…
~I woke- die
~I woke- die for pain that YOU wont live the life you gave me, that I don’t deserve
~ThO- no no no, YOU deserve everything. Anything…I deserve nothing, okay?
~ThO- do you understand???
~I woke- SHUT UP JULIE….SHUT UP
~I woke- u do dagnabit…u do
~I woke- or else, would I have just said all of that…for heck’s sake no.
~ ThO- you don’t understand though, you don’t know why I gave you it, do you?
Christmas/New Years time- I’ve learned
‘…I’ve learned that most of the things I worry about never happen. I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. I’ve learned that every great achievement was once considered impossible. I’ve learned that the more creative you are, the more things you notice. I’ve learned that its hard to argue w/someone when they’re right. I’ve learned that anticipation is often better than the real thing. I’ve learned that if love isn’t taught in the home it’s difficult to learn anywhere else.
Your mind can only hold one that at a time. Make it a positive or constructive one. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have left. Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation…’
Oct. 27th o5
' I feel now, as though these terrible things are soon to come to an end, that soon things will,for the most part, become as they were before. And yet, I know that it is only the beginning. Merely a preview of what is to come. Which I dread greatly, I can only wish that going through this passed year has prepared me enough for the much worse trials and problems that I'm going to have to endure…A lot of strange things are/have been happening lately. And it takes me along time before I realize the "might be" why. It takes me longer and longer to realize and be able to distinguish between myself and…well….'
'I feel guilt stricken, though I am not exactly sure what for. In my mind, I lay, sobbing with my head on the floor. I am sure there are many reasons I feel guilty, many reasons I blame myself for so many things. But I am in so much confusion, as I always am, constantly. My mind is that swirl of colors as it always has been, except now, I am having trouble understanding them myself. I cant catch one thought and convert to understandable words anymore. Or at least it is very hard. This "swirl of colors" is now accompanied by more, like black though, like fire, consuming and surrounding and suffocating my original. Merging with my own thoughts. I don't know if any of this is making sense as it comes out, but I am letting my hand write, letting it take charge, and this is what has come out……I used to be able to find any thought or memory, pluck it out of the "colors" and make sense of it, then find words to describe it. It used to be so easy. But now I can hardly find any anymore….It feels as though a "blackness" or some snake of smoke like thing moves in me, in and around organs and bones and thoughts and emotions, swirls and wanders around them as if it has a mind of its own….I remember that day, about a week or so ago actually, that I really felt it strong. I remember I felt as though it surrounded my heart, suffocating it and then piercing straight into it. You don't know the unbearable pain….'
Oct. 28th o5
Well we are back from the concert, it was very good..but more of that later. It is by pure chance that I'm actually writing anything at all right now. I have the worst feeling right now. I can barely sit up straight. It is not that I am tierd…I cant really explain. Strange enough, my little secret (one of them at least), I wish so much to have someone here that knows and understands it and cares. Someone who loves me and cares and notices when something is terribly wrong. Who's there to hold e when I need comforting. I wont say who I wish this was right now, because at this point, I have to accept that it cannot be, so my second is anyone else who could fit that description, as long as there is someone. Because sometimes, well, most times, I actually secretly don't like this "loner" thing that I've got. And I know I don't like being alone. I feel and am alone……But I don't like being left alone with it. It's like being left behind in the dark of a maze that it is so dark you are even unable to see the walls of it, where you know there is something in the dark with you but you cant see or hear it, but you can feel it there, and you aren't sure whether its friendly or not….'
Oct. 30th o5
' "Hiemmelhoch jauchenzend und zum Tode betrubt"'
'…I have done nothing that I can remember for two weeks and the only reason I can say this now is because a subject evan brought up…love…? I had forgotten it..and its all slowly coming back to me…my first real love..I will talk to him today. I don't know if I really can love anymore. But I know that I did, e ven at this age, yes. I wonder if I still love though, him, or anyone else. But I remember, I was really truly, almost madly with him. I don't know, maybe I still am. I cannot tell anymore, I wonder if I would recognize it if I ever felt it again. I know that it would hurt him to hear me say this. I know that much, that it hurts when they hear something like this…but..its true, I don't know, I'm lost and confused and tangled right now. I don't think I am even fully myself. It is back and forth, and only for short moments that I can realize this…'
Nov. 5th o5
'…you know? I've realized that all of this, all of my…misfortune…it is all my own fault. I brought it upon myself. I started out looking for someone to blame, looking for a scapegoat. And my conclusion: myself. It is all my fault, everything. It is my fault that I…'
Nov. 8th o5
'…I'll see if I can write…I wonder if there was a way to speak with the legion…I wonder if it has a name…I just had a strange moment. More like 10 or 15 minutes. I was sitting there, legs dangling…I had my pen for two reasons. One, because I had planned to write…..but anyways, I just wanted to jump and fall, feel the few minutes of falling. I remember the pen no longer in my hand neither the paper on my lap. Then I remember the collision with the floor. Sitting there not moving, hardly breathing, staring, hurting, surrounded by the papers. Suddenly being in the bathroom against the wall willing it to speak to me. Willing it to say what it wants. Speak to me…what do you want what do you want what do you want…I think I got a response but I don't know. I think so, what do you want, I want ----- and that is my secret to tell whom I wish. I'm very confused and disoriented now, cant focus really. Very very confused, I don't understand…'
Date around Yule time,- convo
‘…
~ThO I tRy 2 Talk Sense InTo MYseLf, But I JUsT Wont LisTEN- see, that’s why I don’t want you to care so much, anyone! That’s why I don’t want anyone to know! Cause they’ll be hurt…they WILL, you WILL! And I cant do anything after that.
~I woke up today, and it wasn’t with u, I guess I left ur heart, maybe I can get back around- jules..if that’s the case…hurt me
~I woke up…- HURT ME BAD
~I woke up- HURT ME TO DEATH
~I woke up- I WANT YOU TO HURT ME
~I woke up- not me to hurt me, but you…I want you to talk.
~ThO I tRy- no
~I woke up- not me to stab me everytime im around you and didn’t do anything about it
~ThO I tRy- no
~ I woke up- NO STOP JULES
~ I woke up- Im talking right now
~ThO- I wont hurt you
~I woke- JULIE, LISTEN
~I woke- if you don’t hurt me, ill hurt myself..back to root one, and death will come within the hour, cuz I will hurt myself.
~ThO- oh great, put my on a guilt trip!
~I woke- no
~ThO- I have no choice then?
~I woke- shut up jules
~I woke- sorry, but now its me talking.
~ThO- I either hurt you, or you…
~I woke- die
~I woke- die for pain that YOU wont live the life you gave me, that I don’t deserve
~ThO- no no no, YOU deserve everything. Anything…I deserve nothing, okay?
~ThO- do you understand???
~I woke- SHUT UP JULIE….SHUT UP
~I woke- u do dagnabit…u do
~I woke- or else, would I have just said all of that…for heck’s sake no.
~ ThO- you don’t understand though, you don’t know why I gave you it, do you?
Christmas/New Years time- I’ve learned
‘…I’ve learned that most of the things I worry about never happen. I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. I’ve learned that every great achievement was once considered impossible. I’ve learned that the more creative you are, the more things you notice. I’ve learned that its hard to argue w/someone when they’re right. I’ve learned that anticipation is often better than the real thing. I’ve learned that if love isn’t taught in the home it’s difficult to learn anywhere else.
Your mind can only hold one that at a time. Make it a positive or constructive one. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have left. Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation…’
Saturday, March 18, 2006
MeMoRiEs-- part one
These are some things I’ve written within the passed year, never to one person in particular, and never meant, at the time, to be public…but sometimes I want to know that there is someone, even though I don’t know who, reading it. Someone out there at least… Last night something sort of..well, usual happened, but I for some reason it helped that I started going through all of this stuff, things from January 2005 to now, and it was crazy..so many memories, But it was good I think, good for me…well, anyways…this is part one of..well I’m not quite sure, it’ll just go faster if I split them up…
June 27th o5
‘Okay, so last night was pretty much my first night as a loner. My first night being ‘alone’. As in, nobody know about me here, or that I don’t have Jenna a phone call away. I don’t like being alone….’
June 28th o5
‘…I logged out, stood up and then fell. I couldn’t stand. I couldn’t believe what had happened, what was happening. Finally I dragged myself to the door and stumbled through the living room ( I had been in my dad’s room), up the stairs, and into my room.
Dunno what happened really. At one point I slid down to the floor against my bed and said…well, I can’t remember, something about being alone. I woke up really early on my bed, and here I am now…’
Date anywhere from Jan. o5 to April o5- story
‘…The old man just appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. The experienced faerie had been watching for him, sitting well back within the concealing shadows of the spreading branches of the old willow, high on a hillside overlooking the whole of the enchanted
How did the old man do it? Blew had spent most of his life in this country, kept alive by wits and experience. He saw things that others did not even know were there. He could read the movements of minlings from their passage through tall grass. He could tell how far ahead of him they were and how fast they were traveling. But he could not spy out the old man on the clearest night and most familiar land, even when he knew he was to look for him. It didn’t help matters that the old man found him easily. Moving deliberately off the trail, he came toward the two faerie’s with slow, measured strides, head bowed slightly, eyes tilted up out of the shadow of his hood. He wore black, like most minlings did those days, at night, cloaked and hooded, wrapped darker then the shadows he walked through. He was not a big man, neither tall nor muscled, but he gave the impression of being hard and fixed on his purpose. His eyes, when visible, were distantly green. But at times they seemed as white as bones, too—now, especially, when night stole away all colors and reduced them to shades of gray. They gleamed like wolves eyes caught in a fragment of light—feral, piercing, hypnotic. Light illuminated the old mans face as well, carving out the lines that creased it from forehead to chin, moving across the ridges and valleys of the ancient skin. The old man’s hair and beard were gray going towards white, the hairs wispy and thin like a spider’s web.
Forest and the trails leading to it. Everything was visible in the light of a full moon for at least 10 miles, and Blew still didn’t see him. It was unnerving and vaguely embarrassing, and the fact that it had happened this way every time didn’t make it any more palatable.
How did the old man do it? Blew had spent most of his life in this country, kept alive by wits and experience. He saw things that others did not even know were there. He could read the movements of minlings from their passage through tall grass. He could tell how far ahead of him they were and how fast they were traveling. But he could not spy out the old man on the clearest night and most familiar land, even when he knew he was to look for him.
It didn’t help matters that the old man found him easily. Moving deliberately off the trail, he came toward the two faerie’s with slow, measured strides, head bowed slightly, eyes tilted up out of the shadow of his hood. He wore black, like most minlings did those days, at night, cloaked and hooded, wrapped darker then the shadows he walked through.
He was not a big man, neither tall nor muscled, but he gave the impression of being hard and fixed on his purpose. His eyes, when visible, were distantly green. But at times they seemed as white as bones, too—now, especially, when night stole away all colors and reduced them to shades of gray. They gleamed like wolves eyes caught in a fragment of light—feral, piercing, hypnotic. Light illuminated the old mans face as well, carving out the lines that creased it from forehead to chin, moving across the ridges and valleys of the ancient skin. The old man’s hair and beard were gray going towards white, the hairs wispy and thin like a spider’s web.
Where are you Bi’low?......’
July 1st o5
‘I have never been happier in my life! I have never smiled so sincerely since…forever it seems, April. In fact, I cant stop! I’m just so happy! I never would’ve\n thought this could happen to me..Especially this passed week has been glum. I haven’t smiled much. But now, I’m SO happy! My life just became so much better! So much less depressing…Anyone could tell you that in the last month I haven’t talked much, because so much has gone on lately. I never had anyone to help me, but of all the odds! The best person it could be, I thought I was gonna die this summer because I wasn’t used to being alone…’
Aug. 18th o5
‘Yea, its raining, my favorite weather. The papers probably going to get soaked but I don’t care. Not anymore…I’m sitting at the church park, in the rain. And I hate it. Everything. Yes, I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world. I tell people, “have high spirits” “don’t ever give up” “don’t say life sucks” and yet, here I am, I\n cant even take my own advice…’
July 1st o5
‘I have never been happier in my life! I have never smiled so sincerely since…forever it seems, April. In fact, I cant stop! I’m just so happy! I never would’ve thought this could happen to me..Especially this passed week has been glum. I haven’t smiled much. But now, I’m SO happy! My life just became so much better! So much less depressing…Anyone could tell you that in the last month I haven’t talked much, because so much has gone on lately. I never had anyone to help me, but of all the odds! The best person it could be, I thought I was gonna die this summer because I wasn’t used to being alone…’
Aug. 18th o5
‘Yea, its raining, my favorite weather. The papers probably going to get soaked but I don’t care. Not anymore…I’m sitting at the church park, in the rain. And I hate it. Everything. Yes, I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world. I tell people, “have high spirits” “don’t ever give up” “don’t say life sucks” and yet, here I am, I cant even take my own advice…’
‘…why do I keep ignoring my own problems?All I ever do is try to please everyone else. And I can’t, its impossible. And it was strange, but true, when my dad said all that, when he told me what he was/is going to do, I didn’t even think until now, how it’ll affect me. At first I thought of Tracey, and her kids, even thoughI’m not such a big fan of them, it still made me cry,. And then I though of her family, what they’d think, and then my own mom, and evan, and only now , me. I dunno, I feel like I have to help everyone. Everyone that I find out has problems, I jump in and help, I cant help it, I just do………I keep saying to myself, I hate it I hate it. I don’t even know what ‘it’ is. And though I say it, it is not\n what I feel. None of this’ll make sense. But its true. Though I say I hate it, I feel, not happy, but I guess, I dunno, maybe positive. But I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t. What my dad has said, I should feel terrible. I should be mad, sad, crying, anything..not happy..maybe I am just so used to this feeling that it doesn’t affect me as much anymore, I don’t know….’
‘…..He wants me to drain him, for my own good apparently, but I have always had a problem draining anyone. Especially every time it comes up. And especially him, he assures me that it will not hurt him, but maybe he says that just so that I will not starve myself. Or maybe it is true. I don’t know the real reason that I hate draining. Yes, I admit,I love the feeling, it feels great on the outside..but really, inside, I know that its not what I have to do, not for me, but for him, and my family, friends. People who still need me. I don’t want to drain because I don’t care if I’m okay. As long as they are. No matter how tempting, no matter how good it feel, no matter how much it helps….’
Oct. 24th o5 ‘…I need to go!! I need to go now, this instant! But haven’t the money or the car or the place…I can’t but I have to. I have to stop this…stop this longing, and this..This is my soul. It needs to wander it needs to leave, it longs to. I’ve got to satisfy it! You don’t understand…I have to, I need to, but I cant…’
June 27th o5
‘Okay, so last night was pretty much my first night as a loner. My first night being ‘alone’. As in, nobody know about me here, or that I don’t have Jenna a phone call away. I don’t like being alone….’
June 28th o5
‘…I logged out, stood up and then fell. I couldn’t stand. I couldn’t believe what had happened, what was happening. Finally I dragged myself to the door and stumbled through the living room ( I had been in my dad’s room), up the stairs, and into my room.
Dunno what happened really. At one point I slid down to the floor against my bed and said…well, I can’t remember, something about being alone. I woke up really early on my bed, and here I am now…’
Date anywhere from Jan. o5 to April o5- story
‘…The old man just appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. The experienced faerie had been watching for him, sitting well back within the concealing shadows of the spreading branches of the old willow, high on a hillside overlooking the whole of the enchanted
How did the old man do it? Blew had spent most of his life in this country, kept alive by wits and experience. He saw things that others did not even know were there. He could read the movements of minlings from their passage through tall grass. He could tell how far ahead of him they were and how fast they were traveling. But he could not spy out the old man on the clearest night and most familiar land, even when he knew he was to look for him. It didn’t help matters that the old man found him easily. Moving deliberately off the trail, he came toward the two faerie’s with slow, measured strides, head bowed slightly, eyes tilted up out of the shadow of his hood. He wore black, like most minlings did those days, at night, cloaked and hooded, wrapped darker then the shadows he walked through. He was not a big man, neither tall nor muscled, but he gave the impression of being hard and fixed on his purpose. His eyes, when visible, were distantly green. But at times they seemed as white as bones, too—now, especially, when night stole away all colors and reduced them to shades of gray. They gleamed like wolves eyes caught in a fragment of light—feral, piercing, hypnotic. Light illuminated the old mans face as well, carving out the lines that creased it from forehead to chin, moving across the ridges and valleys of the ancient skin. The old man’s hair and beard were gray going towards white, the hairs wispy and thin like a spider’s web.
Forest and the trails leading to it. Everything was visible in the light of a full moon for at least 10 miles, and Blew still didn’t see him. It was unnerving and vaguely embarrassing, and the fact that it had happened this way every time didn’t make it any more palatable.
How did the old man do it? Blew had spent most of his life in this country, kept alive by wits and experience. He saw things that others did not even know were there. He could read the movements of minlings from their passage through tall grass. He could tell how far ahead of him they were and how fast they were traveling. But he could not spy out the old man on the clearest night and most familiar land, even when he knew he was to look for him.
It didn’t help matters that the old man found him easily. Moving deliberately off the trail, he came toward the two faerie’s with slow, measured strides, head bowed slightly, eyes tilted up out of the shadow of his hood. He wore black, like most minlings did those days, at night, cloaked and hooded, wrapped darker then the shadows he walked through.
He was not a big man, neither tall nor muscled, but he gave the impression of being hard and fixed on his purpose. His eyes, when visible, were distantly green. But at times they seemed as white as bones, too—now, especially, when night stole away all colors and reduced them to shades of gray. They gleamed like wolves eyes caught in a fragment of light—feral, piercing, hypnotic. Light illuminated the old mans face as well, carving out the lines that creased it from forehead to chin, moving across the ridges and valleys of the ancient skin. The old man’s hair and beard were gray going towards white, the hairs wispy and thin like a spider’s web.
Where are you Bi’low?......’
July 1st o5
‘I have never been happier in my life! I have never smiled so sincerely since…forever it seems, April. In fact, I cant stop! I’m just so happy! I never would’ve\n thought this could happen to me..Especially this passed week has been glum. I haven’t smiled much. But now, I’m SO happy! My life just became so much better! So much less depressing…Anyone could tell you that in the last month I haven’t talked much, because so much has gone on lately. I never had anyone to help me, but of all the odds! The best person it could be, I thought I was gonna die this summer because I wasn’t used to being alone…’
Aug. 18th o5
‘Yea, its raining, my favorite weather. The papers probably going to get soaked but I don’t care. Not anymore…I’m sitting at the church park, in the rain. And I hate it. Everything. Yes, I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world. I tell people, “have high spirits” “don’t ever give up” “don’t say life sucks” and yet, here I am, I\n cant even take my own advice…’
July 1st o5
‘I have never been happier in my life! I have never smiled so sincerely since…forever it seems, April. In fact, I cant stop! I’m just so happy! I never would’ve thought this could happen to me..Especially this passed week has been glum. I haven’t smiled much. But now, I’m SO happy! My life just became so much better! So much less depressing…Anyone could tell you that in the last month I haven’t talked much, because so much has gone on lately. I never had anyone to help me, but of all the odds! The best person it could be, I thought I was gonna die this summer because I wasn’t used to being alone…’
Aug. 18th o5
‘Yea, its raining, my favorite weather. The papers probably going to get soaked but I don’t care. Not anymore…I’m sitting at the church park, in the rain. And I hate it. Everything. Yes, I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world. I tell people, “have high spirits” “don’t ever give up” “don’t say life sucks” and yet, here I am, I cant even take my own advice…’
‘…why do I keep ignoring my own problems?All I ever do is try to please everyone else. And I can’t, its impossible. And it was strange, but true, when my dad said all that, when he told me what he was/is going to do, I didn’t even think until now, how it’ll affect me. At first I thought of Tracey, and her kids, even thoughI’m not such a big fan of them, it still made me cry,. And then I though of her family, what they’d think, and then my own mom, and evan, and only now , me. I dunno, I feel like I have to help everyone. Everyone that I find out has problems, I jump in and help, I cant help it, I just do………I keep saying to myself, I hate it I hate it. I don’t even know what ‘it’ is. And though I say it, it is not\n what I feel. None of this’ll make sense. But its true. Though I say I hate it, I feel, not happy, but I guess, I dunno, maybe positive. But I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t. What my dad has said, I should feel terrible. I should be mad, sad, crying, anything..not happy..maybe I am just so used to this feeling that it doesn’t affect me as much anymore, I don’t know….’
‘…..He wants me to drain him, for my own good apparently, but I have always had a problem draining anyone. Especially every time it comes up. And especially him, he assures me that it will not hurt him, but maybe he says that just so that I will not starve myself. Or maybe it is true. I don’t know the real reason that I hate draining. Yes, I admit,I love the feeling, it feels great on the outside..but really, inside, I know that its not what I have to do, not for me, but for him, and my family, friends. People who still need me. I don’t want to drain because I don’t care if I’m okay. As long as they are. No matter how tempting, no matter how good it feel, no matter how much it helps….’
Oct. 24th o5 ‘…I need to go!! I need to go now, this instant! But haven’t the money or the car or the place…I can’t but I have to. I have to stop this…stop this longing, and this..This is my soul. It needs to wander it needs to leave, it longs to. I’ve got to satisfy it! You don’t understand…I have to, I need to, but I cant…’
Saturday, March 11, 2006
sorry
((I just wanted to apoligize for that last post, I'm an idiot..so just ignore what I said there )))
...
you know what I hate? ha, myself. yea...I've had a long night..it was terrible, sort of...I just hate to fall asleep the way i did...I'd love to just lay there all day and do absolutely nothing. Of course if I did that, I'd probably end up..well.....i wont say the details, but it just wouldn't happen, and i'd end up in a lot of pain, and having to clean again, an infested room. That is so disgusting, but i haven't a choice do I? So, as long as I do exactly as I'm told I should be fine right? mmhm....sure.
anyways...I dont really know what the point of this is, and I know i shouldn't be writing in the situation i'm in right now...just how someone who's been drinking knows they shouldn't be driving but they do anyways, its sorta like that..so you may want to ignore any and everything i write here today..I've been feeling horrible lately, and I've cracked today, actually more like last night. If you want to know exactly how I feel, I'm doing the best I can not to scream right now, and trying my best not to tear something apart, or to run, because if I let myself, i probably wouldn't come back either because I've died, or becuase once I'm out, I will stay out, because there's nothing to come home to. There is no home anyway. I know, I have serious 'issues'..i know there's something wrong with me that repels them away, but i do not understand why no one will tell me...no one will explain it to me...I wish someone would... if I cant understand anything else, I jst want to understand this one thing... what is wrong with me. Something happens to me, so why...why cant someone just tell me. sometimes they say that they dont want me to die, but they dont act like they care. So why should i believe it? I'm just so confused...if this is torture, I'd rather die then endure torture.
well...at least there is a three day weekend, no school on monday...I wonder what I'll find to do then. I've got to go though, i do not want to be here when well nevermind
anyways...I dont really know what the point of this is, and I know i shouldn't be writing in the situation i'm in right now...just how someone who's been drinking knows they shouldn't be driving but they do anyways, its sorta like that..so you may want to ignore any and everything i write here today..I've been feeling horrible lately, and I've cracked today, actually more like last night. If you want to know exactly how I feel, I'm doing the best I can not to scream right now, and trying my best not to tear something apart, or to run, because if I let myself, i probably wouldn't come back either because I've died, or becuase once I'm out, I will stay out, because there's nothing to come home to. There is no home anyway. I know, I have serious 'issues'..i know there's something wrong with me that repels them away, but i do not understand why no one will tell me...no one will explain it to me...I wish someone would... if I cant understand anything else, I jst want to understand this one thing... what is wrong with me. Something happens to me, so why...why cant someone just tell me. sometimes they say that they dont want me to die, but they dont act like they care. So why should i believe it? I'm just so confused...if this is torture, I'd rather die then endure torture.
well...at least there is a three day weekend, no school on monday...I wonder what I'll find to do then. I've got to go though, i do not want to be here when well nevermind
Friday, March 10, 2006
Its a miracle
well.. something amazing just happened...okay...so its not that amazing, but I had to make it more elaborate than it is. so, me being so clumsy, got pushed into a walled the other day, banged my head real hard, lol...so, my step dad actually didn't laugh this time....yes, you heard me right.. DID NOT....wow...but of course he wasn't sympathetic either....as a matter of fact...more of an angry/frustrated. hey, it wasn't my fault. and even if it was, whats it to you to be angry anyway?
so yea, I just had to throw that in..
So anyways, guess what? I saw a robin today! it just snowed again too...but I saw one. out in the tree...all puffed up cause it was cold. but it WAS a bird... yay!
So I was thinking...Osama did bad things right? yes, and God allowed them to happen. Because he respected his free agency, the only thing we have that is ours.Even though God knew what was gonna happen...he als saw what would happen because of it. Because of what appened...it opened people's eyes.. they weren't so prideful..so many people changed.. and no offense to those New Yorkers, but they needed it most. So out of the bad came good things... of course, they haven't lasted long.. pride takes over too often.
Yea, as you can see, I found an intresting scripture...and I guess people should stop wondering why bad things happen to good people. Its because its a last resort. Its the only way people will relize what they're doing. Or remember...
so anyways...
i should probably go now, I want to get out of here as fast as I can.
so yea, I just had to throw that in..
So anyways, guess what? I saw a robin today! it just snowed again too...but I saw one. out in the tree...all puffed up cause it was cold. but it WAS a bird... yay!
So I was thinking...Osama did bad things right? yes, and God allowed them to happen. Because he respected his free agency, the only thing we have that is ours.Even though God knew what was gonna happen...he als saw what would happen because of it. Because of what appened...it opened people's eyes.. they weren't so prideful..so many people changed.. and no offense to those New Yorkers, but they needed it most. So out of the bad came good things... of course, they haven't lasted long.. pride takes over too often.
Yea, as you can see, I found an intresting scripture...and I guess people should stop wondering why bad things happen to good people. Its because its a last resort. Its the only way people will relize what they're doing. Or remember...
so anyways...
i should probably go now, I want to get out of here as fast as I can.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
New passion
wow...well, I had this all written out in my head..but...well, screw that, it's gone now. lol...I cant 'write' it more than once. It just doesn't work.
anyways...I must really be insane. I signed up for JV tennis...oh my, I will ruin it for the team, I know. But..I guess the real reason I signed up was to get me away from home as long as possible...four days a week for an hour is worth the work of getting 35 dollars and humiliating myself by losing against some 10 year old....really, that sounds like a bit much...but if you were me, you'd do more than that to have an excuse of staying away as much as possible.
anyways...whats it called when you are a housecleaner/maid/nanny/caretaker at the same time and you are not paid with anything but maybe a threat and something more...?
Just curious if I should even begin to compare that to the hebrews in egypt, or the african americans during the slave trade. wait..slave, is that a shorter word for the above? hm
well, that was random.
you know, I think my new passion... 9no, not forgetting the old either, I will still be caring about the african children....) is to fight against child abuse...whoot! I have absolutly no idea whatsoever what could be done about it by someone like me. but yea, its one of those things...either you hear about it or you experience it, and you just cannot help but be hyped to do something...anything about it. Whether it be physical, mental, or neglective...sorry, I think I care a little too much about children...oh well....I wont change. You know what I really hate though is when they see their parent's example...and so thats how they become because they know no other life.. or way to live. They'll end up hitting..and well... you get the picture...its sad, they're so little..
anyways.. I'd love to write more, but I've really got to go now.
anyways...I must really be insane. I signed up for JV tennis...oh my, I will ruin it for the team, I know. But..I guess the real reason I signed up was to get me away from home as long as possible...four days a week for an hour is worth the work of getting 35 dollars and humiliating myself by losing against some 10 year old....really, that sounds like a bit much...but if you were me, you'd do more than that to have an excuse of staying away as much as possible.
anyways...whats it called when you are a housecleaner/maid/nanny/caretaker at the same time and you are not paid with anything but maybe a threat and something more...?
Just curious if I should even begin to compare that to the hebrews in egypt, or the african americans during the slave trade. wait..slave, is that a shorter word for the above? hm
well, that was random.
you know, I think my new passion... 9no, not forgetting the old either, I will still be caring about the african children....) is to fight against child abuse...whoot! I have absolutly no idea whatsoever what could be done about it by someone like me. but yea, its one of those things...either you hear about it or you experience it, and you just cannot help but be hyped to do something...anything about it. Whether it be physical, mental, or neglective...sorry, I think I care a little too much about children...oh well....I wont change. You know what I really hate though is when they see their parent's example...and so thats how they become because they know no other life.. or way to live. They'll end up hitting..and well... you get the picture...its sad, they're so little..
anyways.. I'd love to write more, but I've really got to go now.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Saturday noon
Agh! I feel like gouging out my eyes and tearing apart the parts of my mind that are labeled: "Bad memories" and ….well...I don't know what the heck that side of my mind is called, but that too.
And when I said gouging out my eyes I meant it literally. I thought that as I got older it would be easier, that I would get used to it. But it seems as though its just getting more irritating.
Waking up each morning, I don't want to open my eyes again. Not because I am tired or that they are too packed with Sleep..but because..I know what I'll see, and I don't want to see it anymore. Its strange because this is the only case in which I want to be "normal", what ever that is. I know that it has always fascinated me…right? Right…but sometimes, I just wish it's stop, just for a day or something, its just another thing driving me insane. I mean, maybe …if I had an answer…if only I knew what it is, what they are, and why…it would be so much easier. But I suppose that its just part of the test. See how long I can stand it until I crack. THEN take pity and tell me what it is really for. Whether that be simply a test of endurance…or something else….like that I should be using this for. But I cant use it unless I know that it…they, whatever, are. It just cant work.
Well anyways, not that I'm done expressing my feelings on that particular issue, we'll talk about something else ( though I do not believe that is such a good idea considering the mood that I am in right now) hmmm
Well, yes..I guess my day hasn’t been so great. Been frustrated a lot, with some people, with myself. Yea, I mean, I swear I am going to scream the next time my stepfather touches me, in any way.
But, yea, I am going to stop now, before I say something that shouldn’t be public, and besides, I haven’t eaten since Saturday noon..so…that’s all for now.
And when I said gouging out my eyes I meant it literally. I thought that as I got older it would be easier, that I would get used to it. But it seems as though its just getting more irritating.
Waking up each morning, I don't want to open my eyes again. Not because I am tired or that they are too packed with Sleep..but because..I know what I'll see, and I don't want to see it anymore. Its strange because this is the only case in which I want to be "normal", what ever that is. I know that it has always fascinated me…right? Right…but sometimes, I just wish it's stop, just for a day or something, its just another thing driving me insane. I mean, maybe …if I had an answer…if only I knew what it is, what they are, and why…it would be so much easier. But I suppose that its just part of the test. See how long I can stand it until I crack. THEN take pity and tell me what it is really for. Whether that be simply a test of endurance…or something else….like that I should be using this for. But I cant use it unless I know that it…they, whatever, are. It just cant work.
Well anyways, not that I'm done expressing my feelings on that particular issue, we'll talk about something else ( though I do not believe that is such a good idea considering the mood that I am in right now) hmmm
Well, yes..I guess my day hasn’t been so great. Been frustrated a lot, with some people, with myself. Yea, I mean, I swear I am going to scream the next time my stepfather touches me, in any way.
But, yea, I am going to stop now, before I say something that shouldn’t be public, and besides, I haven’t eaten since Saturday noon..so…that’s all for now.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Its in the 40s now!hey, thats like summer for us.
Back again, I know you all love me and missed me so much..*wink* well anyways..*sigh* finals are all done! yay! and I didn't completely fail the algebra one...
so thats with the good news. well, I've got some fairly bad news too, well, that ethan guy I mentioned before, his parents ARE officially divorcing, and have in a way changed their mind about letting him choose, which is both good and bad. Only bad becuase ...well..its him. you've got to know the kid to understand. He's going back to Sugar city, lifts a couple stresses of mine, though knowing me, I'll still worry. I know that him and his parents do not get along very well. But..wow..I guess I feel like somewhat of a shrink, lol. I mean, he's always coming to me about these things. But i understand cause I went through it. The only thing is, if he calls, and complains...'vents' about hatred toward anyone/thing/esp. parents. I cant exactly say, "yea, I know, same here." cause that'll help so much, huh? Though, I am tempted at times to tell him off for complaining, ect. but that doesn't really help either. You have to let him talk..get it out of him, or else he'll blow. You know, if he can be considered a fairly 'average' male than I think I'm starting to understand you guys a bit more lol. But so far, I have done him good, though at times it was completely hipocritical. But..well, I got him to stop drugs. no more huffing for him. and so, as far as I can tell he's been doing well with that. I haven't smelled it on him for the passed week or so. And I know really, the only thing hurting him and bringing him lower and lower is that he cant forgive himself. He's done a few....terribly bad things...but neither were unforgivable (meaning, no first digree murder, and no denying christ, although he is so very close on that one..he believe in christ..but sometimes not in the way most people would) but its not my place to say what any of them are.
You know, I dont really understand why it is so hard for some people to forgive. and i'm not meaning just themselves, cause that I have a hard time with as everyone does. But I guess I never realized how amazed people are when I forgive so easily, sometimes too easily. Ethan was awstuck, seriously, when he found out I wouldn't be afraid, or hate him after he told me those things that he did. and even still, maybe I should be, since it comes from experience..
but oh well, I remember one time people got really mad at me once for saying that I'd forgive a hunter if they killed someone....I wouldn't hold a grudge I mean...even if it was a best friend. I know that must sound rash, but its true...maybe I shold be a little more harsh..I dont know.
anyways, enough about all of this stuff..I've got to go.
so thats with the good news. well, I've got some fairly bad news too, well, that ethan guy I mentioned before, his parents ARE officially divorcing, and have in a way changed their mind about letting him choose, which is both good and bad. Only bad becuase ...well..its him. you've got to know the kid to understand. He's going back to Sugar city, lifts a couple stresses of mine, though knowing me, I'll still worry. I know that him and his parents do not get along very well. But..wow..I guess I feel like somewhat of a shrink, lol. I mean, he's always coming to me about these things. But i understand cause I went through it. The only thing is, if he calls, and complains...'vents' about hatred toward anyone/thing/esp. parents. I cant exactly say, "yea, I know, same here." cause that'll help so much, huh? Though, I am tempted at times to tell him off for complaining, ect. but that doesn't really help either. You have to let him talk..get it out of him, or else he'll blow. You know, if he can be considered a fairly 'average' male than I think I'm starting to understand you guys a bit more lol. But so far, I have done him good, though at times it was completely hipocritical. But..well, I got him to stop drugs. no more huffing for him. and so, as far as I can tell he's been doing well with that. I haven't smelled it on him for the passed week or so. And I know really, the only thing hurting him and bringing him lower and lower is that he cant forgive himself. He's done a few....terribly bad things...but neither were unforgivable (meaning, no first digree murder, and no denying christ, although he is so very close on that one..he believe in christ..but sometimes not in the way most people would) but its not my place to say what any of them are.
You know, I dont really understand why it is so hard for some people to forgive. and i'm not meaning just themselves, cause that I have a hard time with as everyone does. But I guess I never realized how amazed people are when I forgive so easily, sometimes too easily. Ethan was awstuck, seriously, when he found out I wouldn't be afraid, or hate him after he told me those things that he did. and even still, maybe I should be, since it comes from experience..
but oh well, I remember one time people got really mad at me once for saying that I'd forgive a hunter if they killed someone....I wouldn't hold a grudge I mean...even if it was a best friend. I know that must sound rash, but its true...maybe I shold be a little more harsh..I dont know.
anyways, enough about all of this stuff..I've got to go.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
half way there...
well, I'm back again..jump for joy. well...the passed couple of days have been okay. Pretty busy with finals and all though. I've got about half of them done. Whoot!
Well, I ran an entire mile today, nonstop, in 8 min. and 39 sec. and NOT of my own free will! sounds fun, eh? considering i'm terribly out of shape...yea...anyways, changing the subject.
theres this sound technition guy, and well he made this amazing CD and its finally done! its the bible..cept, in music...its really cool actually. The first part, in genises doesn't even have words, they matched each letter to a note, and it turns out sounding a bit like rain, it all sounds really beautiful. and some parts..like the ten commandments, or some part in Exodus, not sure where...it really gets you. I swear, it has been proven..it practically hypnotizes you, at least it makes you zone out, and if you look at a person, it looks like they were slowing down from a high state..lol.. or something like that, its so strange...
anyways..I wish I could write more, and more about stuff thats more interesting, but I've got to go now.
"It's far easier to prevent a disease than to treat it..."
just for you..
Well, I ran an entire mile today, nonstop, in 8 min. and 39 sec. and NOT of my own free will! sounds fun, eh? considering i'm terribly out of shape...yea...anyways, changing the subject.
theres this sound technition guy, and well he made this amazing CD and its finally done! its the bible..cept, in music...its really cool actually. The first part, in genises doesn't even have words, they matched each letter to a note, and it turns out sounding a bit like rain, it all sounds really beautiful. and some parts..like the ten commandments, or some part in Exodus, not sure where...it really gets you. I swear, it has been proven..it practically hypnotizes you, at least it makes you zone out, and if you look at a person, it looks like they were slowing down from a high state..lol.. or something like that, its so strange...
anyways..I wish I could write more, and more about stuff thats more interesting, but I've got to go now.
"It's far easier to prevent a disease than to treat it..."
just for you..
Sunday, February 26, 2006
To the children in Heaven
Don’t you just love it when you write this big, long, important email to someone, and then your computer freezes, and it took you so long to type and you just cant ever find the time again to rewrite it….heh….yea.. I hate it when that happens…esp. when you’re like me and half the time you just let your fingers write/type what they type and and you don’t really pay attention and yet it still all comes out perfect, but if it gets deleted, you cant remember for the life of you what you said exactly, so it will never be as good again.. lol.. and I’m rambling. So anyways..gotta get caught up, so Friday night I went out with friends. Yes, me, Julie Hebenstreit…(I’ll take this time tell those of you certain people, and im not pointing fingers, how to pronounce that, it is, Heb-en-stright…is it clear now? Lol.. not hevenstraight…theres no ‘v’ in case you didn’t know it, and if you’re tryin to be clever and pronounce it in german grammar, I can assure you that the ‘b’ does not make the ‘v’ sound. BUT if you DO want to be clever then, don’t pronounce the first part as what you think is german grammar and the second half as American. Ei does make and ‘eh’ sound, but not in german………wow…lol, I sure can ramble) So…where was I? I went out with friends.. we were watching old movies that people we knew a long while ago made when they were young, as well as the ones we did when we were young. Lol, all of those people that were in them are now on their missions, otherwise we would never have gotten our hands on those. But ours were just as ‘bad’. Its good though, because it brang back a lot of good memories. And seeing all of those guys…man, really makes you miss them. 2 years! Only two more years til they all come home but then, get married and leave again, * sigh* oh well…those good ol’ days are over.
Well, Saturday I spent at home, and I admit I said no to a couple invitations to do ‘something’. But anyways, I did finish a drawing, colored in prisma colors… (don’t ask how I could afford 72 of them..because I couldn’t, it was a gift..can you believe that? I’ll tell you this much ‘so and so’ received a lot of praise for that one, he/she couldn’t afford them either and yet, here I’ve got them..I feel too spoiled, I don’t really deserve that.) I also have gotten a bit farther on another song. Working on getting it tabbed for guitar. I’m getting evan to help with the violin part. But piano and lyrics are mine. I want to make a CD, I mean, I’ve got enough songs as long as I finish them. But no, not a CD that’ll go big, just for friends and family I guess. I don’t like the attention. I don’t even like what I’ve gotten now for that last song! I mean, it’s the weirdest thing to hear someone humming your song. And well…I guess that’ll be my be-lated new years resolution. To make a CD of some sort……*sigh*…that’s gonna take a lot of time, work and confidence, but …unfortunately its official, I’ve already said it, so now I have to do it.
So anyways, I also watched a couple movies. I really liked “A Beautiful Mind”. I’m surprised I hadn’t seen it already. But it was really good. And I didn’t really mind watching it alone either. Then again, after it, you always want to discuss it with someone, but if no ones watched it then they show no interest. Yes, yes, I know it has a lot to do with math…what are you thinking Julie? That could be dangerous, you know…..Okay, I have to admit, it did give me a slightly better appreciation for the stuff. Heck, the way my life’s so twisted, I’ll probably end up in Princeton too, lol…But anyways, it was a very very good movie, and I like that it was based on a true story, I also felt like I understood the man’s situation, I mean, a lot better than you’d think. But I wont give away the secret…^_^
So…lets see.. what else did I do.. well, I fell asleep writing lyrics and music, way to be! Lol, yea, that’s me. Sorry, couldn’t help myself, when you suddenly get an idea, they keep coming and coming and you just get so carried away with it. Yea, I know… I guess that’s why they think me odd. I am strange I guess, and I don’t really mind, if people don’t like me for it, then they don’t like me.
Well anyways…It was stake conference today, so left at 9am…President Hepworth…gotta love him. Well..I mean, he always gets me so excited about whatever he is talking about. So, now, I’m feeling even more charitable than I already am.. sorry if I sound like I’m bragging, cause I’m not. I can be rather selfish at times, but who isn’t? ask anyone, I’ve got this thing about little African children, malnourished and starving…well, African and south American and Asian…well pretty much any and every where. I’ve already decided, that I’m gonna adopt a child from one of those countries, despite whether or not my husband agrees, lol.
Anyways, I cant remember his name, but I’ve met him a lot of times, but he was talking about refuges that we can go to…that our home should be a refuge, we should be able to feel the safest there. And there was somethings he pointed out specifically to parents…I desperately hope it made a difference. The next refuge he mentioned was in marriage, and your spouse. That you should feel safe with them no matter where you are or what trouble you are in. And the last pace, he said, that we should seek refuge in God. That that is the best possible place we could go, the best person too turn to.
Well, talking about this reminds me of last week, I know it’s a bit cheesy, but it was about motherhood. Kind of gets me excited and incredibly nervous. Because now that I think about it, I’m gonna have to teach them, and if I want them to turn out better than me, then I have to be better. This is strange, I know, but I feel like I already love them. I know that it cant be possible right? They do not exist….but they really do, just not on earth right now, and I can imagine those children up there looking down, watchin me and saying, ‘oh god, you’re really going to send us down to her…why me?’ hey! Well you know what! Just for that…I’m going to show you that I can be a person you want to come to.
Lol…well…I guess, I am..a little….extremely odd…but you know..it doesn’t really matter what the world thinks of you, right? As long as you’re not doing anything wrong. Well…I think I’ve strayed far enough today. Besides, the length of this post is so long already!
Well, Saturday I spent at home, and I admit I said no to a couple invitations to do ‘something’. But anyways, I did finish a drawing, colored in prisma colors… (don’t ask how I could afford 72 of them..because I couldn’t, it was a gift..can you believe that? I’ll tell you this much ‘so and so’ received a lot of praise for that one, he/she couldn’t afford them either and yet, here I’ve got them..I feel too spoiled, I don’t really deserve that.) I also have gotten a bit farther on another song. Working on getting it tabbed for guitar. I’m getting evan to help with the violin part. But piano and lyrics are mine. I want to make a CD, I mean, I’ve got enough songs as long as I finish them. But no, not a CD that’ll go big, just for friends and family I guess. I don’t like the attention. I don’t even like what I’ve gotten now for that last song! I mean, it’s the weirdest thing to hear someone humming your song. And well…I guess that’ll be my be-lated new years resolution. To make a CD of some sort……*sigh*…that’s gonna take a lot of time, work and confidence, but …unfortunately its official, I’ve already said it, so now I have to do it.
So anyways, I also watched a couple movies. I really liked “A Beautiful Mind”. I’m surprised I hadn’t seen it already. But it was really good. And I didn’t really mind watching it alone either. Then again, after it, you always want to discuss it with someone, but if no ones watched it then they show no interest. Yes, yes, I know it has a lot to do with math…what are you thinking Julie? That could be dangerous, you know…..Okay, I have to admit, it did give me a slightly better appreciation for the stuff. Heck, the way my life’s so twisted, I’ll probably end up in Princeton too, lol…But anyways, it was a very very good movie, and I like that it was based on a true story, I also felt like I understood the man’s situation, I mean, a lot better than you’d think. But I wont give away the secret…^_^
So…lets see.. what else did I do.. well, I fell asleep writing lyrics and music, way to be! Lol, yea, that’s me. Sorry, couldn’t help myself, when you suddenly get an idea, they keep coming and coming and you just get so carried away with it. Yea, I know… I guess that’s why they think me odd. I am strange I guess, and I don’t really mind, if people don’t like me for it, then they don’t like me.
Well anyways…It was stake conference today, so left at 9am…President Hepworth…gotta love him. Well..I mean, he always gets me so excited about whatever he is talking about. So, now, I’m feeling even more charitable than I already am.. sorry if I sound like I’m bragging, cause I’m not. I can be rather selfish at times, but who isn’t? ask anyone, I’ve got this thing about little African children, malnourished and starving…well, African and south American and Asian…well pretty much any and every where. I’ve already decided, that I’m gonna adopt a child from one of those countries, despite whether or not my husband agrees, lol.
Anyways, I cant remember his name, but I’ve met him a lot of times, but he was talking about refuges that we can go to…that our home should be a refuge, we should be able to feel the safest there. And there was somethings he pointed out specifically to parents…I desperately hope it made a difference. The next refuge he mentioned was in marriage, and your spouse. That you should feel safe with them no matter where you are or what trouble you are in. And the last pace, he said, that we should seek refuge in God. That that is the best possible place we could go, the best person too turn to.
Well, talking about this reminds me of last week, I know it’s a bit cheesy, but it was about motherhood. Kind of gets me excited and incredibly nervous. Because now that I think about it, I’m gonna have to teach them, and if I want them to turn out better than me, then I have to be better. This is strange, I know, but I feel like I already love them. I know that it cant be possible right? They do not exist….but they really do, just not on earth right now, and I can imagine those children up there looking down, watchin me and saying, ‘oh god, you’re really going to send us down to her…why me?’ hey! Well you know what! Just for that…I’m going to show you that I can be a person you want to come to.
Lol…well…I guess, I am..a little….extremely odd…but you know..it doesn’t really matter what the world thinks of you, right? As long as you’re not doing anything wrong. Well…I think I’ve strayed far enough today. Besides, the length of this post is so long already!
Friday, February 24, 2006
hm hm
well... hello again. had a pretty interesting day...not really....I've been in a good mood today, but its just a 'normal' day. I really am happy though, its starting to get warmer and the snow is melting, it is odd though, because it usually stays until late march...later than that actually. one time it was snowing in june. Anyways...I've sudden;y been a little more aware of some of those...um..urges..I'll say. I was doin good for a while. But oh well.
But yea, in case you didn't notice, I absolutely cannot wait for spring, everything is so much more alive. I love it. For more reasons than the fact that it is warmer, lighter, and livlier.
but thats a different story.
I dont really know what else to say right now..besides, I get tired a lot faster these days..due to...well, certain things that sleep is the best way to overcome.
and also, I did promise a friend i would meet her..um....five minutes ago..I sort of got carried away with something. but anyways....I guess since theres not much to talk about, I'll stop talking ttyl
But yea, in case you didn't notice, I absolutely cannot wait for spring, everything is so much more alive. I love it. For more reasons than the fact that it is warmer, lighter, and livlier.
but thats a different story.
I dont really know what else to say right now..besides, I get tired a lot faster these days..due to...well, certain things that sleep is the best way to overcome.
and also, I did promise a friend i would meet her..um....five minutes ago..I sort of got carried away with something. but anyways....I guess since theres not much to talk about, I'll stop talking ttyl
Thursday, February 23, 2006
*sing song voice*Its beginning to look a lot like Spring again!!
well.. I know I posted just this morning, but I'm bored again...lol...and still in a fairly good mood, its kind of nice. And its sort of...strange..I mean, I'm not used to it. its like discovering it for the first time. well.. anyways, so..yea, ethan's parents are divorcing now, got the news not two minutes ago, its really sad. AND they're making him choose. Thing is...I know from passed experience, that he is well aware that my weakness is sympathy. and anyone really can use that against me...because with that boy, you've got to be real careful. He is so unexpected. almost as unpredictable as me..heh...but not quite. he's the strangest person you'll ever meet too...but thing is, I guess, what he has a problem with is forgiving himself. thats his biggest weakness I think.
Well, anyways, I wont really talk much about him. Then there's scotty, who I've ignored, and avoided, and so far haven't heard from in a while. just as long as I can hold it off til he leaves for florida.
Enough with the semi-depressing stuff.
so, its beginning to look like spring again!! I know it may be a months away, but I can smell it and feel it. and I love it! I got a rose from last night, and I've hung it up in my room, because I love the fresh scent it gives off, it reminds me of spring, and rain. but the sun has been out and I've started hearing birds again, I saw some grass too, though it was dead, it was still there, stil grass. It gets me excited. I hate the cold, I've lived in the cold too long.
So, yea, I know im a bit cheesy but, I'm dying for spring to come. I cant stand these long dark winters anymore...
Well, anyways, I wont really talk much about him. Then there's scotty, who I've ignored, and avoided, and so far haven't heard from in a while. just as long as I can hold it off til he leaves for florida.
Enough with the semi-depressing stuff.
so, its beginning to look like spring again!! I know it may be a months away, but I can smell it and feel it. and I love it! I got a rose from last night, and I've hung it up in my room, because I love the fresh scent it gives off, it reminds me of spring, and rain. but the sun has been out and I've started hearing birds again, I saw some grass too, though it was dead, it was still there, stil grass. It gets me excited. I hate the cold, I've lived in the cold too long.
So, yea, I know im a bit cheesy but, I'm dying for spring to come. I cant stand these long dark winters anymore...
yesterday...
well.. yesterday started out terrible, got even more terrible, worse and worse and worse....and then by the time I was leaving school.. I was walking, still tuned out from the world around me, and it just sort of hit me, I dont know exactly what..or how to explain, but I just was suddenly okay with it all, and was happy...sort of, esp since all day I just wanted to go home and curl up in bed, but I didnt really get home until aroun 8;30.. it was kinda of nice, kind of not. (haven't been out of my room that long in a while.. *wink*) after school, I went straight out to Sugar and had piano, for about an hour and 15 minutes that took, took a while to get there and back. umm.. yay....I got my festival songs...one's three pages and the other is four, ugh.. a three page boroque song...and I've got to get them mastered and memorized by may 13..yay, so excited.. lol. Whoa! that reminds me, I have this recital tomorrow, I completely forgot, stupid boroque recital....okay..not stupid....but...when you have no idea its going to happen until the day bbefore lol...I also just remember they're gonna ask me to play my song. well.. didn't think it was that famous. its really weird when you walk by someone and you realize they're humming your song. Its really strange.. lol.
Anyways.. after that, I got home, for thirty minutes I spent half getting ready half eating dinner, then off to rehearsal, that we didn't get that far on, and then for the play... ugh, I wore a gorgeous dress, one that I could never afford...but it was beautiful all the same, though it was a little hard to breath in lol...BUT I didn;t trip on stage! its a miracle! ...anyways...after that... I came home, got on line for a short while, enough for my last blog, while rocking Emily who was missing her mother. but she fell asleep before mom even got back.
So that was basically the good side of my day yesterday.
oh yea, btw.. Cory, well, turns out the bloody mouth was a result of his teeth coming out, but he's okay now and the other guy is chrged with battery. well gtg
Anyways.. after that, I got home, for thirty minutes I spent half getting ready half eating dinner, then off to rehearsal, that we didn't get that far on, and then for the play... ugh, I wore a gorgeous dress, one that I could never afford...but it was beautiful all the same, though it was a little hard to breath in lol...BUT I didn;t trip on stage! its a miracle! ...anyways...after that... I came home, got on line for a short while, enough for my last blog, while rocking Emily who was missing her mother. but she fell asleep before mom even got back.
So that was basically the good side of my day yesterday.
oh yea, btw.. Cory, well, turns out the bloody mouth was a result of his teeth coming out, but he's okay now and the other guy is chrged with battery. well gtg
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
The Raven
The Raven
by Edgar Allan Poe
First Published in 1845
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door." 'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door;Only this, and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December,And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrowFrom my books surcease of sorrow, sorrow for the lost Lenore,.For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore,Nameless here forevermore.
And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtainThrilled me---filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating," 'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door,Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door.This it is, and nothing more."
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,"Sir," said I, "or madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;But the fact is, I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,That I scarce was sure I heard you." Here I opened wide the door;---Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearingDoubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,And the only word there spoken was the whispered word,Lenore?, This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word,"Lenore!" Merely this, and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,Soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before,"Surely," said I, "surely, that is something at my window lattice.Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore.Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore." 'Tis the wind, and nothing more."
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,In there stepped a stately raven, of the saintly days of yore.Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;But with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door.Perched upon a bust of Pallas, just above my chamber door,Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven thou," I said, "art sure no craven,Ghastly, grim, and ancient raven, wandering from the nightly shore.Tell me what the lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore."Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."
Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,Though its answer little meaning, little relevancy bore;For we cannot help agreeing that no living human beingEver yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door,Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,With such name as "Nevermore."
But the raven, sitting lonely on that placid bust, spoke onlyThat one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.Nothing further then he uttered; not a feather then he fluttered;Till I scarcely more than muttered, "Other friends have flown before;On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before."Then the bird said, "Nevermore."
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store,Caught from some unhappy master, whom unmerciful disasterFollowed fast and followed faster, till his songs one burden bore,---Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden boreOf "Never---nevermore."
But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linkingFancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore --What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore Meant in croaking "Nevermore."
Thus I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressingTo the fowl, whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease recliningOn the cushion's velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o'er,But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o'erShe shall press, ah, nevermore!
Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censerSwung by seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor."Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee -- by these angels he hathSent thee respite---respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!Quaff, O quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!"Quoth the raven, "Nevermore!"
"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil!--prophet still, if bird or devil!Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,Desolate, yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted--On this home by horror haunted--tell me truly, I implore:Is there--is there balm in Gilead?--tell me--tell me I implore!"Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."
"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil--prophet still, if bird or devil!By that heaven that bends above us--by that God we both adore--Tell this soul with sorrow laden, if, within the distant Aidenn,It shall clasp a sainted maiden, whom the angels name Lenore---Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels name Lenore?Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."
"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting--"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!Leave my loneliness unbroken! -- quit the bust above my door!Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."
And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sittingOn the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming.And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floorShall be lifted---nevermore!
....................................Well.. I think that Edgar was a genius..i hate it how everyone always..underestimates.. or takes his work for granted ..it really means more if you think about it..most people when they here the name..they automatically think, oh that one schizo/psycho path guy who married his cousin…..okay.. first of all, its not really proven that he did indeed marry his cousin. And second.. yes, it is understood that he did seem to have some ‘mental’ problems… but they were never really diagnosed. And it doesn’t really matter because I think that people who are proclaimed ‘crazy’ …are just living in their heads.. they aren’t really crazy…what they do and think is just too much for the rest of the world to comprehend. It just makes TOO much sense for the rest of the world to understand…hehe…..thats my opinion at least…I know, I’m odd…but I don’t really know why, but even though this is a very famous poem..I like it a lot..every part has thousands of meanings. There may even be meanings that Poe didn’t even realize. Most people told me this poem scares them…I like it though..it doesn’t necessarily only symbolize death you know…anyways I gotta go
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
the blooding..again?
Well..I’m back again…its strange I’ve never really been so continuous and frequent on a blog before….anyways…so today was okay..not bad but not necessarily wonderful.
After all…it is the end of the trimester. The most stressful time of all..finals and presentations galore to get ready for! Whoot! I’m soo excited…
Anyways..so…yea anyways…so..today, it was kinda sad, one of my friends got punched, sort of got in a fight…but he didn’t start it, he just defended himself. Though not very good. Chris, the one who officially ‘started’ it had not a scratch and when I had to leave, cory’s mouth was still full of blood…
Yea, anyways..so…seeing that blood sort of..well, triggered something again, unfortunately.. That I thought I had under control for quite a while but…I guess…that was only because my eyes weren’t seeing those things, and I dedicated every moment to shoving certain thoughts out of my mind. I don’t want anything to happen to anyone.
Shoot…I have to go now…I’ve got a dress rehearsal…
After all…it is the end of the trimester. The most stressful time of all..finals and presentations galore to get ready for! Whoot! I’m soo excited…
Anyways..so…yea anyways…so..today, it was kinda sad, one of my friends got punched, sort of got in a fight…but he didn’t start it, he just defended himself. Though not very good. Chris, the one who officially ‘started’ it had not a scratch and when I had to leave, cory’s mouth was still full of blood…
Yea, anyways..so…seeing that blood sort of..well, triggered something again, unfortunately.. That I thought I had under control for quite a while but…I guess…that was only because my eyes weren’t seeing those things, and I dedicated every moment to shoving certain thoughts out of my mind. I don’t want anything to happen to anyone.
Shoot…I have to go now…I’ve got a dress rehearsal…
Monday, February 20, 2006
I wonder if....
hum hum hum...so yea...today has been interesting, surprisingly.....or...well.. i guess not so surprising, nothings really changed since last night, if anything has gotten worse. But no worries...
anyways...i meant to hae today as a day to catch up on..well everything...especially school, because I am sooo behind, and it doesn't help that im not exactly the most organized person in the world. But anyways...I did get one report done (...yay...)...so far, but I've got the rest of then night to work on everything else if I can bring myself to. And they wonder why I cant keep up with myself when I'm always locked up in my room....well, here's some news, I wonder too. What do i do in there all day? must be something productive.......heh....yea.....in a way...
but I guess maybe I'll let a little bit of the secret out...so..I write music, do some art, listen to music depending on my mood....and.........well.......the rest is my own business. It strange how i always leave some things out in any journal I write, because I know some day someones gonna read it, and there are just some things I'd like to take with me to the grave. y'know?
sometimes even I have no idea what I do.
yea, I know, I'm an incredibly strange..thing. But you get used to it.
So anyways...today, I didn't do much, woke up and did some work...I went out in the morning, for a walk..more like and excuse to get away. then....did some more things, talked to someone for a little bit, though I wish I could've talked longer. then...went out for another short walk, ( I dont really care if its 25 below zero out there...if you wait long enough, you'll turn numb and it wont really matter anyway)...did some more work, whatever i was told to do....then when i got the chance, i curled up on the couch and watched this documentary on Coldplay. Good band. Very talented, I recommend. But then again, I am leaving out alot of major things that are the main things that've put me into the mood I'm in...I guess, its a little strange to me because i told myself I wouldn't let myself get depressed for so long again, but its already been over 24 hours..and I haven't really changed. I mean...believe me, if you get depressed for several days straight, bad things happen.
You know, I wonder if....well....nevermind. That would be bringing another one of my fantasys or dreams into the pictures, things that'll never happen.
...well....my thoughts are swirling again, not really sure how to write what I want to say or whats in there....its sort of hard when you dont have the right motivation...
well...anyways, I sort of just got a random 'epiphany' to add to a song I've been workin on today, who knows, maybe oneof these days, I'll get another song actually finished rather than a bunch of little unfinished peices. Thing is...i guess it doesn't matte rif no one's ever going to hear them except me. ( oh and besides that song thats already been turned in...but thats a different story)
So anyways...i'm gonna go...
anyways...i meant to hae today as a day to catch up on..well everything...especially school, because I am sooo behind, and it doesn't help that im not exactly the most organized person in the world. But anyways...I did get one report done (...yay...)...so far, but I've got the rest of then night to work on everything else if I can bring myself to. And they wonder why I cant keep up with myself when I'm always locked up in my room....well, here's some news, I wonder too. What do i do in there all day? must be something productive.......heh....yea.....in a way...
but I guess maybe I'll let a little bit of the secret out...so..I write music, do some art, listen to music depending on my mood....and.........well.......the rest is my own business. It strange how i always leave some things out in any journal I write, because I know some day someones gonna read it, and there are just some things I'd like to take with me to the grave. y'know?
sometimes even I have no idea what I do.
yea, I know, I'm an incredibly strange..thing. But you get used to it.
So anyways...today, I didn't do much, woke up and did some work...I went out in the morning, for a walk..more like and excuse to get away. then....did some more things, talked to someone for a little bit, though I wish I could've talked longer. then...went out for another short walk, ( I dont really care if its 25 below zero out there...if you wait long enough, you'll turn numb and it wont really matter anyway)...did some more work, whatever i was told to do....then when i got the chance, i curled up on the couch and watched this documentary on Coldplay. Good band. Very talented, I recommend. But then again, I am leaving out alot of major things that are the main things that've put me into the mood I'm in...I guess, its a little strange to me because i told myself I wouldn't let myself get depressed for so long again, but its already been over 24 hours..and I haven't really changed. I mean...believe me, if you get depressed for several days straight, bad things happen.
You know, I wonder if....well....nevermind. That would be bringing another one of my fantasys or dreams into the pictures, things that'll never happen.
...well....my thoughts are swirling again, not really sure how to write what I want to say or whats in there....its sort of hard when you dont have the right motivation...
well...anyways, I sort of just got a random 'epiphany' to add to a song I've been workin on today, who knows, maybe oneof these days, I'll get another song actually finished rather than a bunch of little unfinished peices. Thing is...i guess it doesn't matte rif no one's ever going to hear them except me. ( oh and besides that song thats already been turned in...but thats a different story)
So anyways...i'm gonna go...
Sunday, February 19, 2006
dreams are a strange thing
So..yesterday was a really good day, save for a few things by the end of the day…but I don’t really feel like talking about that now. Yea, so anyways, lately I’ve been having these dreams, I think last Tuesday or so I had this really..sort of scary/depressing/sad one. I mean, this’ll sound pathetic, but I thought it was really strange, by the end of the dream (or rather the time I had woken up to some small sound elsewhere in the house(I’m a light sleeper)) I guess.. I remember I was crying, due to what was happening in the dream, but when I woke up, my face was wet with tears..does that happen often? If you cry in a dream, you cry in real life? I was a little confused at first because the dream was still fresh in my mind, so I was still thinking it was real. But now that I look back on it…I never really thought of this..about what dreams are…if they’re just explained by memories being dug out during REM or if they’re scenes from a passed life, or a future happening..I’m not sure exactly which explanation I believe, but I’m actually starting to think, this one sort of was just meant as a lesson. I know, strange….dreams cant mean anything, hey? Sometimes, you’ll believe it anyways, and even if it meant nothing. It still made a lesson, and even if dreams cant mean anything, if that was the case, then this was a coincidence. But then again..I don’t really believe in coincidences….
Anyways…the next day I had another very clear, vivid dream. This was more of a happy one, I don’t exactly remember all the details and I try not to as usually, the more you try to remember the more you forget. But I woke up knowing something. Turns out it was true…so I guess that must be a coincidence too, right? Yea anyways…next dreams I had were disturbing..I guess you could say nightmares…but I get those often so no big deal, and I try not to summon those memories at all. I’ll say while I’m still on the subject, some more strange things about dreams I get…for one thing, sometimes I get continuous ones..if that makes sense. Like, I’ll have a dream one night and it’ll get interrupted by an alarm clock or something.. then the next day, it carries on from where it left off, it’s a little strange..sort of like I paused in time since my dreams seem so realistic. And another thing is, that I’ll have dreams that take place in a particular place, usually a place I’ve never been before…and then, days, months, weeks, years later..I’ll have a dream with a completely different plot but that takes place in the same place…as did that first dream I talked about up there ^^^
Yea.. anyways enough about the dreams….its strange how I always seem to have the urge to write when I’m not feeling particularly high-spirited…I guess it eases the pain or anger or stress…or whatever..yea…so I guess to assume that I’m not in the best of moods..I’ll write what I’m havin trouble with now.. and that’s basically too much stress I’m guessing..considering things that happened last night, and just everyday events that just simply pile on until I cant hold myself together, I end up blowing up on someone, then slowly sink into a depression, locking myself in my room…which ironically enough has happened, except, its been a few hours and I’ve slunked out, and here I am. I guess I’ve cooled… but I’ve gone from happy yellow, to a short spike of crimson red, and now to a pale bluish black….heh.. if that makes sense. But it’s the usual I guess. It happens often, just forget the good things. Anyways..I guess by the end of each day I just get so tired of the kicking, hitting, fighting, noise, chaos, pain..hurt, and blaming…I just..snap…and fall into a million pieces.. then eventually sleep comes, that usually takes the place of eating, and I can escape for a while, though…most times not into the best new world that the unconscious mind has to offer…but surprisingly sometimes, I’d sooner choose that dark world than the one I’m already in. I know, I’m strange…but..gotta live with it I guess, cause I don’t think I’ll change.
So anywho, enough with the depressing junk, that’s not all I live for, though I do believe that sometimes. But still, there are some things, that I forget in times of depression or stress or sadness, that do make me happy, give me something to better to live for.. but I cant have that all of the times,..just sometimes…and I feel spoiled enough to get that much.
Well..I’ve got to go now..tend to the needs, as always..
Anyways…the next day I had another very clear, vivid dream. This was more of a happy one, I don’t exactly remember all the details and I try not to as usually, the more you try to remember the more you forget. But I woke up knowing something. Turns out it was true…so I guess that must be a coincidence too, right? Yea anyways…next dreams I had were disturbing..I guess you could say nightmares…but I get those often so no big deal, and I try not to summon those memories at all. I’ll say while I’m still on the subject, some more strange things about dreams I get…for one thing, sometimes I get continuous ones..if that makes sense. Like, I’ll have a dream one night and it’ll get interrupted by an alarm clock or something.. then the next day, it carries on from where it left off, it’s a little strange..sort of like I paused in time since my dreams seem so realistic. And another thing is, that I’ll have dreams that take place in a particular place, usually a place I’ve never been before…and then, days, months, weeks, years later..I’ll have a dream with a completely different plot but that takes place in the same place…as did that first dream I talked about up there ^^^
Yea.. anyways enough about the dreams….its strange how I always seem to have the urge to write when I’m not feeling particularly high-spirited…I guess it eases the pain or anger or stress…or whatever..yea…so I guess to assume that I’m not in the best of moods..I’ll write what I’m havin trouble with now.. and that’s basically too much stress I’m guessing..considering things that happened last night, and just everyday events that just simply pile on until I cant hold myself together, I end up blowing up on someone, then slowly sink into a depression, locking myself in my room…which ironically enough has happened, except, its been a few hours and I’ve slunked out, and here I am. I guess I’ve cooled… but I’ve gone from happy yellow, to a short spike of crimson red, and now to a pale bluish black….heh.. if that makes sense. But it’s the usual I guess. It happens often, just forget the good things. Anyways..I guess by the end of each day I just get so tired of the kicking, hitting, fighting, noise, chaos, pain..hurt, and blaming…I just..snap…and fall into a million pieces.. then eventually sleep comes, that usually takes the place of eating, and I can escape for a while, though…most times not into the best new world that the unconscious mind has to offer…but surprisingly sometimes, I’d sooner choose that dark world than the one I’m already in. I know, I’m strange…but..gotta live with it I guess, cause I don’t think I’ll change.
So anywho, enough with the depressing junk, that’s not all I live for, though I do believe that sometimes. But still, there are some things, that I forget in times of depression or stress or sadness, that do make me happy, give me something to better to live for.. but I cant have that all of the times,..just sometimes…and I feel spoiled enough to get that much.
Well..I’ve got to go now..tend to the needs, as always..
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Short and Sweet
hmm...I'll write a short one because I haven't a lot of time....
I guess I'd be using this one for other reasons, I've got two blogs already, I dont really need another.. but you know, sometimes you want to write things that you dont want 'certain' people to read, but others you do, and if everyone already knows about your blog then that sort of foils it.....anyways...I guess I wont write anymore today, heh... what an interesting post! so elaborate...
I guess I'd be using this one for other reasons, I've got two blogs already, I dont really need another.. but you know, sometimes you want to write things that you dont want 'certain' people to read, but others you do, and if everyone already knows about your blog then that sort of foils it.....anyways...I guess I wont write anymore today, heh... what an interesting post! so elaborate...
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