MeMoRiEs- part three

and part three...MeMoRiEs the final ...


Feb. 2nd o6
‘…A Quick overview…turns out those emails were from kaje… she hasn’t talked to me since they found out, the police were involved and everything, I feel so guilty, maybe I shouldn’t but I do. Garrett’s no longer allowed near me..I really don’t understand this…what is so wrong with me. Ethan…I think is a lying fag. And I still consider him a friend…long story. And Rohit wants me to do a spell to possess him, errg…anyways that’s it in a nutshell, oh, and I cut myself in tech today, at least my entire finger didn’t come off, that’s a plus….sable…’
Feb 6th o6
‘…Anyways, I’m kinda upset. It’s a small matter, I know, but its always adding up. The 11th last straw, eh? So of course, mom makes it even worse, always. (I remember she used to….) She got everyone excited and said “I’ve got something to tell you all. ( wow, she’s actually talking! No, actually, she didn’t quite say it like that) So, ‘Pa’ has decided he would make a deal with you, that he will start a bank account for you personally for college. And every dollar that you put in, he’ll add two.” Wow, that’s great, eh?!
Oh yea, except for you and evan. You’ll have to find some other way, good luck with that!....’
‘…I mean, I have tried and tried to earn ‘Pa and grammi’s’ love, or, heck, attention. Even let the m acknowledge my existence. I did everything they told me w/hope that they would start to care. Grammi wanted Silhouette drawings, I drew some, spent a lot of time on them and even gave them to her in person. She took them, and has sold them. They are the richest people you’ll meet, I mean, they own a farm with over a hundred acres, they have a house in Washington, one in Arizona, a beach house, and huge motor home, how much more money do they need, they’re always decked out in jewelry, etc. and she sells them…she sells them. I did what she asked so that she’d maybe…I dunno, I hate my hopes, they never work out anyways, stupid. I’m so stupid. Damn the hopes and dreams….’
‘…and you know, just the way mom and (step)dad treat me…esp. greg. I hate him, both of them so much and I always fall for their damn traps.
It’s the stupid usual. Treat me like the animal I am I guess. Makes sense, I am just as horrible as any animal anyways, right? I hate them. He doesn’t even get it, and when he does, its wrong. I give him a sad look hoping he’ll figure out that I’m sad, but no, he yells around the house that “don’t give me that attitude!” what attitude?? I’m sad, depressed, I’m trying to kill myself. Not be lazy..I’m tryin to be…I dunno.
“You’re so damned lazy!” “Oh, you’re too damn busy to get off your damn ass and take care of your sister.” He says..I RAISE Emily! She’s your child! All you ever do is the yelling and the punishing of a child who doesn’t know better. A child who hardly knows right from wrong because her own father…parents, wont teach it to her, only yell at her for not knowing it. She’s what? 4? Do you really want her memories to be like that? Do you know why she throws tantrums a lot? Because she wants your attention, no matter, even if its just yelling and hitting. Because she doesn’t know her parents, they are simply two people that yell at her on a daily basis. You can yell at me , you can spank and hit me, you can threaten me…do whatever you want with me, after all, I’m used to it. But not your 4 year old daughter, please, not her, if anything, do what you to her, to me instead.
Yea, I’m a coward, hunker down in my room and cry. And for more reason than you’d think.
Then you get mad at me for rarely coming out. Ever wonder why? Obviously not, but so you know, about 50 % of the reasons are you.
No, I am not jealous about the money thing. Not jealous at all. I’m happy for them, that they can follow their dreams, but if its okay, I’ll be just a little worried for myself, if that’s not too selfish?....’
Date unknown- Bhagavad
‘…“I got this today,” they say, “tomarrow I shall get that. This wealth is mine, and that will be mine too. I have destroyed my enemies. I shall destroy other too! Am I not like God? I enjoy what I want. I am successful. I am powerful. I am happy. I am rich and well-born Who is equal to me? I will perform sacrifices and give gifts, and rejoice in my own generosity” This is how they go on, deluded by ignorance, whirled about by a fragmented mind, they fall into a dark hell. Self-important, obstinate, swept away by the pride of wealth, they ostentatiously perform sacrifices without any regard for their purpose. Egotistical, violent, arrogant, lustful, angry, envious of everyone, they abuse my presence within their own bodies and in the bodies of others…”’
‘…By my good man David A. Bednar, gone now to higher places, from college leader to a position in the Quorum of the Twelve. “ With faith…we must walk to the edge of the light and into the darkness. As we so walk I testify and promise that the light will move. When I was your age and wondering some of the exact same things that you are now wondering, I never would have imagined that’s someday we would be at Ricks College as we are…I know the light moves as we walk in faith to the edge of the light.”…’
March 15th o6
‘…I don’t know what is wrong with me, I’m slipping down again, and I was so determined not to.
I am trying desperately hard at the moment not to just burst out sobbing. I hate them, I hate them so much, all of them…maybe not, but close…but most, again. I wish I had control over myself…but most times, it seems like I cant, or don’t. I thought I was there…finally. There, up with everyone else, ready to be able to be proud. I always think that, always always always..why?? I should stop doing that to myself. Just adds one more pain, I must stop shoving those thought in…they are lies, what am I thinking? I will never ever be back. I will never be nearly as high as I wish. I will never be good enough. Never. Anger comes out of nothing and all I can do is wait and feel it as it evolves into sadness or depression, as it has now. I cannot take this! And I bring it on myself!I bring it on myself, that is why I said I hate myself, for what I do, for what I do to myself, and for my mind too. I am an idiot, a jerk, anything else you can think of that is bad..I am it.
I know that deep, I still have too much human nature ( fear of death) to do ‘it’ myself. That is why it never worked, will never work. So, I’ll wait til it happens on its own..if only I knew…if only I knew what was so wrong with me. If only they knew, someone, what I need, even I do not know. I don’t know what to do…I don’t..hell, I am such a fucking idiot.
This happens every time …I refuse to mention though. Afraid to mention, afraid to admit that the only…thing keeping me up is him. Otherwise, without him, I am gone….’

“Sometimes I think that I’m not good at all, and sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all. But then you assure me, I’m a little more than useless, when I think that I cant do this, you promise me that I’ll get through this, and do something right, do something right for once.”