not just sometimes...

march 22
I’ve had an interesting day..first I just want to say what is upsetting me right now..I know it must seem trivial now, but well, it involves my step dad. He had given Emily a few slices of an orange for dinner, so she was eating them, but it was hurting her every bite she took because her lips are chapped. But she would take another bite, I guess because she was hungry, you know. So then, my step dad hit her and took her downstairs because she whimpered with every bite. He took her down screaming and him yelling and cussing at her things she didn’t understand. But…it was I think the first time that my mom opposed it. I just heard her say his name in that one tone as he passed, but apparently he didn’t hear. He doesn’t ‘hear’ when he’s like that, which most often is. I don’t get it though, little things like that happen and he gets so mad and I don’t understand, he doesn’t drink or anything. There is no excuse…oh well, its life, I guess.
Anyways..I just wish he wouldn’t do that.
So today,I was in a general music class that I’m taking for about six weeks or so and well, there was a big test today, but turns out that someone stole the test. I don’t know, I didn’t think it was such a big deal, certainly not as big as Mr. French made it. But, wow, you have never seen that man mad. You think you have until someone pulls a prank like this. I mean, you never see him mad, he’s always one to joke around. But wow, you just don’t know what he’s going to do. And then, he’s starts accusing different students in that class. And that was getting no where. I mean,, he told one boy, Marcos, “I bet you want to beat the shit out of me” bla bla bla. And Marcos was like, um, well yea, but because I didn’t do it. We could hold that slip of the word ‘shit’ to a student against him, you know. But it was spur of the moment, he thought it would let everyone know that he was serious and someone would fess up. So, his way of solving the problem was entering a 0 for that test for every person in that class, and he made a point of saying that it was worth 147 points. Or, in other words about 80% of the grade, so no matter what, the highest grade you could come out of that class with is a D right now, until someone confesses. Which will never happen, considering none of them did it. Either he misplaced it or a student from another class tried to make a joke that went too far. I know that for a fact it is one of those two. But oh well. He may have cooled by tomorrow.
Anyways, so, during the hour that he was out of the classroom, doing heaven knows what to his ‘suspects’..I got to talking to a few people that I rarely talk to..considering I rarely talk to anyone, esp. in from that class anyways. But cindy and Marcos, both mexican, but I’ve known Cindy from another class, and Marcos, all too well from experiences of 3…almost four years ago. I knew that he has done some, not so good things. But I only was involved because of the kind of people I hung out with..dont get me wrong, they were good friends at the time…but anyways not the point, maybe I shouldn’t talk about this, because I don’t want to be known to only pity everyone…people look at that as if it is a bad thing, and sometimes I guess it can be. Anyways, they were just telling about some stories..etc. and I know that marcos has an arrest warrant to take care of in CA because he didn’t show up for court or something. But yes, he isn’t the best person in the world. I guess it was pity, I hate myself for that. I want to help him, but I guess I cant. Anyways, Cindy, was telling me about her dad, how he wont touch her because he knows what she’ll do, call the police.. etc. just, well I guess things to that extent…well, I don’t know the point of why I said all that… I just did.
So…I was watching this..documentary, about a guy who used to be a stand up comedian, but used his talents for teenagers, etc. anyways, yea, it was against my will too to watch it, but I don’t know now, whether it was a good thing or not. Maybe it just made me realize that I don’t know how to do it. It tells you that you can, but not how.
I realized just how much I hate myself. I wanted to cry right then, when he said that you should love yourself, and I had heard those words before. I wish I could, and I do…sometimes.. I wish I could always…but, I don’t know how. I know that I do it to myself. And I know that one way..one way is to go to a psychiatric hospital. But I don’t think I want to do that, because it would require me to talk. I don’t want to talk. not to them at least. I just hate myself for it, for what I do to myself, and for the fact that I bring myself down so much. I am so incredibly..stupid. I know that telling myself these things also gets me nowhere if not lower. But I cant stop..its what I’ve started to believe in. ..
I mean, I’ve got all the wonderful quotes, and things, and people, to look to. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know if this is selfish or not..but I must love myself enough to long to be happy becaue I do, I long to feel it. long. wish. hope. Desire maybe even that I just want it…happy as often as possible.. not just sometimes… I just…I wish I knew what was wrong. Why I cant stop hating myself.

Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. And the artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.