MeMoRiEs-- part one

These are some things I’ve written within the passed year, never to one person in particular, and never meant, at the time, to be public…but sometimes I want to know that there is someone, even though I don’t know who, reading it. Someone out there at least… Last night something sort of..well, usual happened, but I for some reason it helped that I started going through all of this stuff, things from January 2005 to now, and it was crazy..so many memories, But it was good I think, good for me…well, anyways…this is part one of..well I’m not quite sure, it’ll just go faster if I split them up…

June 27th o5
‘Okay, so last night was pretty much my first night as a loner. My first night being ‘alone’. As in, nobody know about me here, or that I don’t have Jenna a phone call away. I don’t like being alone….’
June 28th o5
‘…I logged out, stood up and then fell. I couldn’t stand. I couldn’t believe what had happened, what was happening. Finally I dragged myself to the door and stumbled through the living room ( I had been in my dad’s room), up the stairs, and into my room.
Dunno what happened really. At one point I slid down to the floor against my bed and said…well, I can’t remember, something about being alone. I woke up really early on my bed, and here I am now…’
Date anywhere from Jan. o5 to April o5- story
‘…The old man just appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. The experienced faerie had been watching for him, sitting well back within the concealing shadows of the spreading branches of the old willow, high on a hillside overlooking the whole of the enchanted
How did the old man do it? Blew had spent most of his life in this country, kept alive by wits and experience. He saw things that others did not even know were there. He could read the movements of minlings from their passage through tall grass. He could tell how far ahead of him they were and how fast they were traveling. But he could not spy out the old man on the clearest night and most familiar land, even when he knew he was to look for him. It didn’t help matters that the old man found him easily. Moving deliberately off the trail, he came toward the two faerie’s with slow, measured strides, head bowed slightly, eyes tilted up out of the shadow of his hood. He wore black, like most minlings did those days, at night, cloaked and hooded, wrapped darker then the shadows he walked through. He was not a big man, neither tall nor muscled, but he gave the impression of being hard and fixed on his purpose. His eyes, when visible, were distantly green. But at times they seemed as white as bones, too—now, especially, when night stole away all colors and reduced them to shades of gray. They gleamed like wolves eyes caught in a fragment of light—feral, piercing, hypnotic. Light illuminated the old mans face as well, carving out the lines that creased it from forehead to chin, moving across the ridges and valleys of the ancient skin. The old man’s hair and beard were gray going towards white, the hairs wispy and thin like a spider’s web.
Forest and the trails leading to it. Everything was visible in the light of a full moon for at least 10 miles, and Blew still didn’t see him. It was unnerving and vaguely embarrassing, and the fact that it had happened this way every time didn’t make it any more palatable.
How did the old man do it? Blew had spent most of his life in this country, kept alive by wits and experience. He saw things that others did not even know were there. He could read the movements of minlings from their passage through tall grass. He could tell how far ahead of him they were and how fast they were traveling. But he could not spy out the old man on the clearest night and most familiar land, even when he knew he was to look for him.
It didn’t help matters that the old man found him easily. Moving deliberately off the trail, he came toward the two faerie’s with slow, measured strides, head bowed slightly, eyes tilted up out of the shadow of his hood. He wore black, like most minlings did those days, at night, cloaked and hooded, wrapped darker then the shadows he walked through.
He was not a big man, neither tall nor muscled, but he gave the impression of being hard and fixed on his purpose. His eyes, when visible, were distantly green. But at times they seemed as white as bones, too—now, especially, when night stole away all colors and reduced them to shades of gray. They gleamed like wolves eyes caught in a fragment of light—feral, piercing, hypnotic. Light illuminated the old mans face as well, carving out the lines that creased it from forehead to chin, moving across the ridges and valleys of the ancient skin. The old man’s hair and beard were gray going towards white, the hairs wispy and thin like a spider’s web.
Where are you Bi’low?......’
July 1st o5
‘I have never been happier in my life! I have never smiled so sincerely since…forever it seems, April. In fact, I cant stop! I’m just so happy! I never would’ve\n thought this could happen to me..Especially this passed week has been glum. I haven’t smiled much. But now, I’m SO happy! My life just became so much better! So much less depressing…Anyone could tell you that in the last month I haven’t talked much, because so much has gone on lately. I never had anyone to help me, but of all the odds! The best person it could be, I thought I was gonna die this summer because I wasn’t used to being alone…’
Aug. 18th o5
‘Yea, its raining, my favorite weather. The papers probably going to get soaked but I don’t care. Not anymore…I’m sitting at the church park, in the rain. And I hate it. Everything. Yes, I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world. I tell people, “have high spirits” “don’t ever give up” “don’t say life sucks” and yet, here I am, I\n cant even take my own advice…’
July 1st o5
‘I have never been happier in my life! I have never smiled so sincerely since…forever it seems, April. In fact, I cant stop! I’m just so happy! I never would’ve thought this could happen to me..Especially this passed week has been glum. I haven’t smiled much. But now, I’m SO happy! My life just became so much better! So much less depressing…Anyone could tell you that in the last month I haven’t talked much, because so much has gone on lately. I never had anyone to help me, but of all the odds! The best person it could be, I thought I was gonna die this summer because I wasn’t used to being alone…’
Aug. 18th o5
‘Yea, its raining, my favorite weather. The papers probably going to get soaked but I don’t care. Not anymore…I’m sitting at the church park, in the rain. And I hate it. Everything. Yes, I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world. I tell people, “have high spirits” “don’t ever give up” “don’t say life sucks” and yet, here I am, I cant even take my own advice…’
‘…why do I keep ignoring my own problems?All I ever do is try to please everyone else. And I can’t, its impossible. And it was strange, but true, when my dad said all that, when he told me what he was/is going to do, I didn’t even think until now, how it’ll affect me. At first I thought of Tracey, and her kids, even thoughI’m not such a big fan of them, it still made me cry,. And then I though of her family, what they’d think, and then my own mom, and evan, and only now , me. I dunno, I feel like I have to help everyone. Everyone that I find out has problems, I jump in and help, I cant help it, I just do………I keep saying to myself, I hate it I hate it. I don’t even know what ‘it’ is. And though I say it, it is not\n what I feel. None of this’ll make sense. But its true. Though I say I hate it, I feel, not happy, but I guess, I dunno, maybe positive. But I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t. What my dad has said, I should feel terrible. I should be mad, sad, crying, anything..not happy..maybe I am just so used to this feeling that it doesn’t affect me as much anymore, I don’t know….’
‘…..He wants me to drain him, for my own good apparently, but I have always had a problem draining anyone. Especially every time it comes up. And especially him, he assures me that it will not hurt him, but maybe he says that just so that I will not starve myself. Or maybe it is true. I don’t know the real reason that I hate draining. Yes, I admit,I love the feeling, it feels great on the outside..but really, inside, I know that its not what I have to do, not for me, but for him, and my family, friends. People who still need me. I don’t want to drain because I don’t care if I’m okay. As long as they are. No matter how tempting, no matter how good it feel, no matter how much it helps….’
Oct. 24th o5 ‘…I need to go!! I need to go now, this instant! But haven’t the money or the car or the place…I can’t but I have to. I have to stop this…stop this longing, and this..This is my soul. It needs to wander it needs to leave, it longs to. I’ve got to satisfy it! You don’t understand…I have to, I need to, but I cant…’