If only

You know what I hate about my f---ing self? Its that I let everything either put me down or get to me. Everything! I wish I wouldn't, I just can't help it. It just happens. I can't contain myself. And since I don't open to people very often it just builds up and up and then one day, I let it out. But on myself. And that is never good. It comes out on me and I do really stupid things. Or at least try to. And then, it all gets sucked back into myself cause it has no where else to go, and it adds up again. Everything starts over. Except that the next time is always worse than the time before. And its not always within a long period of time that it builds up, maybe just within one day. Things will happen, and I'll do my best and follow habit, of not showing it, or showing that it bothers me. Then, I'll be alone, and only then will it come out on myself again. Its just a rotation, but a rotation that will eventually have an end, either a good one or a bad. Bad being I end up doing something really stupid.
I wish I could stop it. I just don't know how. And I hate it that I lose a lot of things, people because of it. I say, it wont happen again I swear. Then the pressure piles up again, and I lose it. Its fate, I can't stop it. But I wish people knew that I try really hard. I try with everything too, I don't just sit around complaining and feeling sorry for myself, I don't. I do a lot and I try a lot. I just…I don't know. I don't know what to do about it all. If it doesn't stop, I'll lose everything, everyone, I know it. I just don't know how to stop it.