MeMoRiEs-part two

Here comes part two..MeMoRiEs cont...


Oct. 27th o5
' I feel now, as though these terrible things are soon to come to an end, that soon things will,for the most part, become as they were before. And yet, I know that it is only the beginning. Merely a preview of what is to come. Which I dread greatly, I can only wish that going through this passed year has prepared me enough for the much worse trials and problems that I'm going to have to endure…A lot of strange things are/have been happening lately. And it takes me along time before I realize the "might be" why. It takes me longer and longer to realize and be able to distinguish between myself and…well….'
'I feel guilt stricken, though I am not exactly sure what for. In my mind, I lay, sobbing with my head on the floor. I am sure there are many reasons I feel guilty, many reasons I blame myself for so many things. But I am in so much confusion, as I always am, constantly. My mind is that swirl of colors as it always has been, except now, I am having trouble understanding them myself. I cant catch one thought and convert to understandable words anymore. Or at least it is very hard. This "swirl of colors" is now accompanied by more, like black though, like fire, consuming and surrounding and suffocating my original. Merging with my own thoughts. I don't know if any of this is making sense as it comes out, but I am letting my hand write, letting it take charge, and this is what has come out……I used to be able to find any thought or memory, pluck it out of the "colors" and make sense of it, then find words to describe it. It used to be so easy. But now I can hardly find any anymore….It feels as though a "blackness" or some snake of smoke like thing moves in me, in and around organs and bones and thoughts and emotions, swirls and wanders around them as if it has a mind of its own….I remember that day, about a week or so ago actually, that I really felt it strong. I remember I felt as though it surrounded my heart, suffocating it and then piercing straight into it. You don't know the unbearable pain….'
Oct. 28th o5
Well we are back from the concert, it was very good..but more of that later. It is by pure chance that I'm actually writing anything at all right now. I have the worst feeling right now. I can barely sit up straight. It is not that I am tierd…I cant really explain. Strange enough, my little secret (one of them at least), I wish so much to have someone here that knows and understands it and cares. Someone who loves me and cares and notices when something is terribly wrong. Who's there to hold e when I need comforting. I wont say who I wish this was right now, because at this point, I have to accept that it cannot be, so my second is anyone else who could fit that description, as long as there is someone. Because sometimes, well, most times, I actually secretly don't like this "loner" thing that I've got. And I know I don't like being alone. I feel and am alone……But I don't like being left alone with it. It's like being left behind in the dark of a maze that it is so dark you are even unable to see the walls of it, where you know there is something in the dark with you but you cant see or hear it, but you can feel it there, and you aren't sure whether its friendly or not….'
Oct. 30th o5
' "Hiemmelhoch jauchenzend und zum Tode betrubt"'
'…I have done nothing that I can remember for two weeks and the only reason I can say this now is because a subject evan brought up…love…? I had forgotten it..and its all slowly coming back to me…my first real love..I will talk to him today. I don't know if I really can love anymore. But I know that I did, e ven at this age, yes. I wonder if I still love though, him, or anyone else. But I remember, I was really truly, almost madly with him. I don't know, maybe I still am. I cannot tell anymore, I wonder if I would recognize it if I ever felt it again. I know that it would hurt him to hear me say this. I know that much, that it hurts when they hear something like this…but..its true, I don't know, I'm lost and confused and tangled right now. I don't think I am even fully myself. It is back and forth, and only for short moments that I can realize this…'
Nov. 5th o5
'…you know? I've realized that all of this, all of my…misfortune…it is all my own fault. I brought it upon myself. I started out looking for someone to blame, looking for a scapegoat. And my conclusion: myself. It is all my fault, everything. It is my fault that I…'
Nov. 8th o5
'…I'll see if I can write…I wonder if there was a way to speak with the legion…I wonder if it has a name…I just had a strange moment. More like 10 or 15 minutes. I was sitting there, legs dangling…I had my pen for two reasons. One, because I had planned to write…..but anyways, I just wanted to jump and fall, feel the few minutes of falling. I remember the pen no longer in my hand neither the paper on my lap. Then I remember the collision with the floor. Sitting there not moving, hardly breathing, staring, hurting, surrounded by the papers. Suddenly being in the bathroom against the wall willing it to speak to me. Willing it to say what it wants. Speak to me…what do you want what do you want what do you want…I think I got a response but I don't know. I think so, what do you want, I want ----- and that is my secret to tell whom I wish. I'm very confused and disoriented now, cant focus really. Very very confused, I don't understand…'
Date around Yule time,- convo
‘…
~ThO I tRy 2 Talk Sense InTo MYseLf, But I JUsT Wont LisTEN- see, that’s why I don’t want you to care so much, anyone! That’s why I don’t want anyone to know! Cause they’ll be hurt…they WILL, you WILL! And I cant do anything after that.
~I woke up today, and it wasn’t with u, I guess I left ur heart, maybe I can get back around- jules..if that’s the case…hurt me
~I woke up…- HURT ME BAD
~I woke up- HURT ME TO DEATH
~I woke up- I WANT YOU TO HURT ME
~I woke up- not me to hurt me, but you…I want you to talk.
~ThO I tRy- no
~I woke up- not me to stab me everytime im around you and didn’t do anything about it
~ThO I tRy- no
~ I woke up- NO STOP JULES
~ I woke up- Im talking right now
~ThO- I wont hurt you
~I woke- JULIE, LISTEN
~I woke- if you don’t hurt me, ill hurt myself..back to root one, and death will come within the hour, cuz I will hurt myself.
~ThO- oh great, put my on a guilt trip!
~I woke- no
~ThO- I have no choice then?
~I woke- shut up jules
~I woke- sorry, but now its me talking.
~ThO- I either hurt you, or you…
~I woke- die
~I woke- die for pain that YOU wont live the life you gave me, that I don’t deserve
~ThO- no no no, YOU deserve everything. Anything…I deserve nothing, okay?
~ThO- do you understand???
~I woke- SHUT UP JULIE….SHUT UP
~I woke- u do dagnabit…u do
~I woke- or else, would I have just said all of that…for heck’s sake no.
~ ThO- you don’t understand though, you don’t know why I gave you it, do you?
Christmas/New Years time- I’ve learned
‘…I’ve learned that most of the things I worry about never happen. I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. I’ve learned that every great achievement was once considered impossible. I’ve learned that the more creative you are, the more things you notice. I’ve learned that its hard to argue w/someone when they’re right. I’ve learned that anticipation is often better than the real thing. I’ve learned that if love isn’t taught in the home it’s difficult to learn anywhere else.
Your mind can only hold one that at a time. Make it a positive or constructive one. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have left. Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation…’