MG

It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.

Direction of the Wind

So...school is back in now. Jump for joy. Got a few of my results back...but most won't come until Thursday at the
open-house.

I got a letter today...yes, good old fashioned postal. :) It was from my grandparents, in LV ( my mothers parents). It was very... uplifting..and encouraging. It was really good to know they still remember me, care about me, and pray for me. It turns out they're taking the "long route" to Cali. that just so happens to pass through Rexburg, Idaho. :'( They're the traveling couple now! Granpa just retired, so they can go wherever they want to now :D

I talked to Emily few days ago. "When are you coming home?" "I miss you" "Are you having fun at your other daddys?" "When are you coming home?" "Guess what I did today?!" "Listen to what Po did..." "When are you coming home?" awwwwwwww I miss little emmy. I think she just got a new haircut. A short little bob...perfect for her. :)

Evan is still alive, though even more sore than before. He actually competed in his track meet the Friday after his wreck. After running so long...it's just not helping him heal up. But I suppose he owes it to his coach...since he skips practice all the time. And good news for him, some friend of Greg's has a crappy old car..nothing works but the engine, but she's willing to just give it to him to use for school, etc. Hey, if it runs...then that's all that counts.

Well that's all that's going on in general right now... Hey! Look at that sunset....hmm....maybe I'll write something deeper later....

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --Albert Einstein

All the sounds of the earth

Music- The art of arranging sounds in time so as to produce a continuous, unified, and evocative composition, as though melody, harmony, rhythm, and timbre. Vocal or instumental sounds posessing a decree of melody, harmony, or rhythm.

Music, music, music...everyone loves music. If they don't, then there's something seriously wrong with them. I bet it's been implanted in the minds of humans to gain pleasure from some kind of rhythm or sound since the time of Adam and Eve. It just amazes me when someone can tell me they "don't like music". I think it's physically impossible not to like it, unless these people are deaf...

Music is everything, it's fun and exciting, sad and depressing, meditative, sentimental, mesmerizing, an incentive...it's in every sound your ears take in. It's nature as well as synthetic. It can calm you, heal you, hurt you, teach you. What more can you ask for in one simple thing?

I love it when you hear a sound, beat, or song that just grips you with its riveting sonance. It's got a hold of you. It's embedded in your mind. It drives you crazy trying to find it again, and when you finally do, you just can't stop listening. I love the definition of sound; Sound- 1- Vibrations transmitted through an elastic solid or a liquid or gas, with frequencies in the approximate range of 20 to 20,000 hertz, capable of being detected by human organs of hearing. 2- Transmitted vibrations of any frequency 3- The sensation stimulated in the organs of hearing by such vibrations in the air or other medium.

I've never looked it up, but it must have everything to do with phi, hey? If it is what makes something appealing then it must have something to do with it. I know that scales in music come straight from the fibonacci series...but what about sound itself?

But all in all, none of that matters. Not how or why...just the fact that it is. And thank goodness it is, because it provides the best/easiest escape from the world save death.

In my dreams/ I'll always see you soar above the sky/ And in my heart will always be a place for you, For all my life/ I'll keep a part of you with me/ And everywhere I am there you'll be.-- Faith Hill, "There You'll Be"

"If music be the food of love; play on.".......Way to be blunt, Shakespeare, way to be... :)

All things are difficult before they are easy

So...I think I've finally settled in down here. Yes, I have come to live here with my dad for a while....not sure how long. But I think it'll be good for me. I'll be free to explore.....find myself, maybe. Anyways, it's good to be able to start out new with a blank slate. I'm not sure how it'll all turn out in the end, but I hope it will be good. I do miss Evan, and My mother.. and my friends... and a lot of other people, and it sounds like a lot of things fell apart after I left. AHHH the guilt. :(

But it'll be okay...it'll be fine...be optimistic, Julie, you're doing something for yourself for once. (cept.. there is a part of me that says I'm here to get some greatly needed order in this house.)

My dad took me out last night, we went to see one of Alexia's shows....Samara happened to be a guest performer, and was fantastic. There were a few of the dances I really liked. Mostly the fusion ones..Veil, Arabic/Indian w/cybals, Arabic/Spanish, Indian Bollywood(w/Chaaiya Chaaiya!!), and the Oriental....Anyway, it was all good. And It was really awesome to be able to see the famed Samara from New York.

Well, no insight for today...Just talk about my boring life....

"I finally feel like I am alive again. I feel so good. To be able to step outside anytime, to feel the sun directly on your face — to see the whole sky. These are luxuries that we just don't appreciate every day." (Ex-hostage Jill Carroll)

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.

Captain Corelli's Mandolin

What’s there to sing about…?

What is there to sing about? There is singing when babies are baptized; when you celebrate a marriage; men sing as they work; soldiers sing as they march into battle; and there is singing when people die. I have always found something in life worth singing about. For that I cannot apologize.........

............When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!

oh

Jeez..I need to get up to date on this thing...

On Fire

Tell you where you need to go
Tell you when you'll need to leave
Tell you what you need to know
Tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
Says more than what you've heard
So much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be...

Cause everything inside looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
these mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]
I'm standing on the edge
And I'm on fire
When You're near you
I'm on fire
When You speak(Yea)
I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries...

I'm standing at the edge of me,
Standing on the edge of everything I've ever been
And I've been standing at the edge of me, standing
at the edge

Will you post this for me?

This thing is taking over. My mind and therefore my body. I can't tell what is real and what isn't. I can no longer tell which pains are real and which are figures of my imagination. I can no longer tell what thoughts are mine and which.. aren't. I don't know how to help myself anymore. Certain things affect me in strange and bad ways now. Like certain quotations will cause pain and voices and hurt and I can't describe it.

I can't tell if it's some other being causing the things that happen to me to happen or if it's just me own screwed up mind. Which voice do I follow? Who do I trust? Who is God anyway? Who or what am I? I'm not pedestrian, I know that. Who are these people I see? Why do they do this to me? What do they want? Should I trust them?

I cannot tell if they are good. My mind will not still itself. Back and forth. Back and forth. Is this me? Blank. Is it good, right? Blank. Cut, burn, pain, reality. And from her arm starts to fall, a beautiful ruby red. What am I supposed to do??!!!

I don't know who I am. Only vaguely, I see myself, but it is hard to hold on. My mind is being taken away. Struggle? But it feels beautiful...It feels good, but do I trust it? It feels good and yet it causes a faint fear in me. Don't give in,, a voice says. It's too hard. Another voice whispers truths and other's intentions/thoughts in my ear. Truths?? or....lies?

Who is this that follows me but is invisible to the eyes of most others? What did I do to recieve this pain, this torture, torment?? Who thrusts their hand into my back, creating such a hole to climb into and eat away my heart? Snake your black coils around every organ inside of me. Coming to my heart and brain, they squeeze...squeeze and pierce and control, I lose myself...See what I say and do, but cry out in my mind "stop!! no! please..." But I continue. I can't stop myself, I've got no control, I can only watch.

What keeps me going when the creature becomes too overwhelming?? cut, burn, pain, reality. The need for such things comes more and more often. How do I stop this? How?? Help me... I do not know god...help me. voices,voices, dreams, visions, pains, unamed and indescribable emotions, thoughts, whispers, shaking, cold goosebumps, hot head, thin strings of sharp pain vibrating off each other.

Try every possible outlet, cure, hope...but no success.. never success. Tried everything but death. Death. Is death the relief? The lastof my faith slowly slips away. I reach for it, I reach for freedom... but it cruelly slips through my fingers. I am honest. If I had done something as bad to deserve this, then our beloved God is not as merciful as we once thought. Is this punishment? a test? fate? insanity? Or one being's idea of fun. I start to forget. Forget what I once thought was real, true, right, good.

If it is not selfish of me to say....please rid me of these images!!! Rid me of this pain, this confusion, this terror! Please help me, I beg...I beg to anyone who listens.... Help me please. I dont want to hurt anyone anymore and I dont want to hurt anymore. I dont want to be scared. I dont want to be his slave. Kill me if you must, I just cant help myself. I cant do this on my own anymore. If all else, just be there for me. Just listen to my nonsense rants and screams without fear. Don't abandon me again...please.

That day

I woke up that morning; my parents had already left for the hospital. A note was left saying that Daine and his father would be taking us to school that day. We waited at the window and I looked down at my triplet step siblings, all so oblivious to the horror that would enfold that day, the confusion that would ensue. Myself; I knew something would happen, but wasn't sure what.

Daine's dad drove up and we stepped out into the cold September air. Our breath e came out in soft smoky billows. We drove slowly around the sharp curves or Pioneer Road. I stared out the half frozen windows of the car, thinking, wondering, in my own little world. I subconsciously listened to my own invented white noise, consisting of the radio news talk, the light hum of the engine, and the laughter of children in the back seat.

Suddenly, Daine's dad turned to me and asked in a panicked voice, " Did you hear that?!"

I just nodded, even though I hadn't. I had been pondering the feeling I had had all morning…the feeling of terror; Something bad was going to happen.

I thought, he must be talking about something he heard on the radio. I listened. All I heard was the babbling voices of, supposedly more important than I, people. Government. Politics. Probably some political squabble that will have absolutely no effect on me whatsoever. I gave up trying to understand, and continues with my Sky Watching. Ah, the sunrise, just now….does no one hold any respect for this event?

As I walked down the hall of the old brick school building, I noticed several teachers glance in the office, see the small TV, and walk slowly in, staring. Jaw dropped. Shocked. The most recent teachers to arrive eye's were still in confusion, while the more stale were full of tears that rolled down their cheeks. I continued walking, now more excited an nervous. Was this it? What is going on?

I entered the classroom knowing there was one of the few TVs in the school inside. But I walked in only to find it crowded by hovering adults, also with tears and confusion. I and a few other students stretched our necks to see above their shoulders. I caught only one glimpse just as, what seemed to be, a plane crashed into a tall building, adding to the black smoke that was already there. The teachers in full view gasped, and some turned to shoo us out of the room.
We sat in the hall…my curiosity burning…my nervousness heightening. What is going on? What is happening?

Later, my teacher lectured all day about the events of the morning. Most of us didn't understand what was happening. All these new words. Suddenly I'm hearing….Terrorists..Hijacking...World Trade Center.. death…war.

What does it all mean?

I went home a little frightened. My step dad's mother was there. After several phone calls, she took the family over to the hospital to meet my mother.

After holding my newest sibling, little Emily, the fears of the day completely vanished. All I could remember was this little miracle in my arms. I passed her on and someone said, "Of all days this beautiful baby could be born, why today? Why on such a horrible day?"

The little boy beside me answers, "Maybe heaven is getting too crowded today and she had to come…"

I dont know

I think that when finally realized...every human being absolutely loathes knowing the fact that it is basically inevitable for our species to NOT end up wanting more than anything the one thing they can never have. That intense feeling that becomes so strong that it seems impossible to dampen the desire. Even though you very well know that you cant ignore the existence of the fine line between need and want, it still becomes so strong that you subconciously try to fool your own mind into thinking it is indeed a need. And when it becomes a need in your mind, it's just a torture for you,

ivaw

Fear.

Probably the most malicious, and dreaded emotion discovered so far. It's as if you can smell it's ominousness a mile away and you do everything possible to avoid the unpleasant... trepidation that you know it will cause. But the very intimidation of the emotion becomes exactly what you wanted to evade from the beginning. Fear is funny that way. A vicious cycle. You're running from fear, but there's no where to run. Because what you really fear...is fear itself.
When each of us was a child and the realizations of our vulnerability first became a part of us, we all had our fears. All of the stories about the Boogeyman in our closets or the aligators under our beds. My little sister is afraid of what she calls 'The Hand'..that constantly haunts her dreams. I even had my own "far-fetched" fears...too many to count actually. But as a child, we also had enough imagination to believe without a doubt that our blankets and toys would shield and save us from any evils conjured by our mind.

The point is...it is in the core of a human being that lies the recognition that we are predetermined and finite. Which makes us vulnerable. The recognition doesn't go away as we grow up..it just gets subverted in a way...and changed. We'll abandon the simulation of our blankets...and create rituals and beliefs that equate to the use of our blankets.'Consider air travel. The trip through the airport includes a lot of checkpoints and interrogations. "Did you pack these bags yourself, sir/ma'am?" (How are you supposed to answer? "Of course not. I let a terrorist do it.") Then comes the scanning station. It's like people are entering a mosque or Buddhist temple. They're relatively quiet and respectful. They take off their jackets and shoes in order to pass through a sanctified gateway. I half expect incense to emanate out of the metal detecting wands waved in blessing over the traveler by the security priests on the other side.'Why do we even bother? Is making everyone take off their shoes really going to stop people from smuggleing knives and bombs etc. on to planes? No...how many times is it going to happen until it finally hits us that these things do nothing to protect us.. they only give us the illusion of safety.

Just as if you go to a church in order to be safe from all evils. The church is equal to the power of the blanket, it no more protects you from your...perceived evil than it empowers you to face it.

I think that mastering the overcoming of fear is one of the most important things to acomplish in this life. And I'd encourage every person on this planet to strive to accomplish that. To stop pretending like running away will make it all better. But all in all...overcoming fear does not deny its existence, I think, rather..the discovery of another power is what over comes the cause of fear.

Јуст фор тхе хецк оф ит...

Ићм хавинг еџтреме троубле њритинг цонсидеринг тхе лангуаге он мз цомпутер хас судденлз цхангед он ме. И муст хаве хит соме цоде кезс анд ноњ Ићм њритинг ин греек...ор туркисх...ох њелл. Итћс сорт оф интерестинг....мазбе Ићлл пост ит анзњазс..јуст фор тхе хецк оф, хез?

Different from many

This post will be a little..different...

I know, I leeched onto you because you were the first person that got so close to actually understanding me..but then again, in the end, you were only ‘so close’. You were also the first person to ever tell me that you really loved me.

And now I realize that…you were my life. I couldn’t stop thinking about you because you were my hope, that's all. My only hope that things would get better one day. That maybe one day, I would not be so alone. That maybe one day that thirst would be quenched. The torture would stop.

I thought I wanted to hurt myself. But I didn’t…I just didn’t care if someone came and kidnapped me, molested me, raped me, tortured me, killed me…It’s like I don’t care. And yet I do..I do only because I’d die without a purpose. I thought I didn’t care because I can deal with physical pain just fine…To me…it’s not as bad as the torture I’ve been going through every day.

I said I wanted a gun to my head...not my leg, arm…not my heart. My head, because it is my mind that is the torture. It’s my mind that I want to stop.

You’re right, I wouldn’t do it to myself. That’s why you never take me seriously. Kinda makes me want to just to prove myself.

I wouldn’t do it to myself, but I’d let someone else do it to me.

I’m grateful for life, I’m grateful for this body and spirit, I’m garateful for a chance to live, and yes, I’m also grateful for this mind. I know that contradicts everything..but I am well aware that I am only being tested to see how long I can last before he allows me to move on. Maybe I am even being tested for other things as well. So, I am grateful for that.

But it doesn’t mean I’m invincible, it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard, it doesn’t mean it isn’t torture, or that I’m not alone. I am, and that’s part of my purpose, part of my test. But I see no rule that says I cant talk about the pain, no rule that says I cant hate it. No rule that says I can’t want, need, wish, hope.

It will be like this for the next, at least, four years as long as I can survive it well, without dying or being mentally distorted in some way. I have always known that it is only a matter of time. But I don’t know how much longer I can take. I know that the first part is finding where I need to go next. But I cant do that unless I am free..and I can’t be free unless I have the courage to fight for my freedom.

And now, I just need to find something or someone that’ll get me started, and not let me forget what I’m doing, not let me fall back down despite what is happening in and all around me. I need that, that’s all I need…so that maybe..I can use my time for gaining more courage and mending myself.

This is not my way of self-pity. This is not my way of self-oppression. I’m not here to waste my time with false idols. And I am not here to grant my own wishes.

Ant Habeby

I have not written for ages, I know. I've just been so caught up with everything around me, as well as everything inside me. But right now...my emotions are very...deep, I suppose...so it makes for a good time to catch up.

I'll start with..just the fact that ever since that last post, I've been in a worse chaos then ever before. Nothing went right, it seemed like everything I said or did was wrong...very clumsy (although I usually am anyway), very 'out of it', I could not leave the house..let alone my room. I completely lost track of time and I didn't even know what day it was..I could think one morning, that I was waking up to a tuesday morning..when really...it was already friday. I rarely ate, ended up completely dehydrated. Been letting my emotions go however they wish...so at one point, I could let fear take complete control..and that's a scary thing, lemme tell ya. Always in pain, always feeling as if I was going to die right then and there...Whether I was just feeling that way, or wishing that..I can't be for sure. It has been going on like this (and several more things that I dont care to mention here) from the time I posted last, until just 20 minutes ago.

Dont worry, once I finish this..I plan to eat my first meal of the day, and drink lot's of water.

Anyway, I guess I just had so much stress that it was just..making me psychotic. there were times that I allowed myself to do certain things that I thought would be the key to freeing me of this stress. I highly regret it because it is only a mirage, and I very well knew that from the beginning. You see it far off and think it is the answer to all your problems, that it is complete paradise and relaxation. So you try by any means necessary to get closer..and when you get there, you find that the only real pleasure was merely the imagination..the fantasy.. you had beforehand.

So..many nights were spent with no sleep. Just thinking...crying...wishing...dreaming. Hope. I cried for the many dreams had in the world..that had been ruthlessly crushed in an instant. For the pains of every person on this Earth. For every person who burried the goodness they were born with, burried it so deep..and left it forgotten. For all of the people stripped of their rights, their happiness..and their hope. For every person in this world who is lost, who feels the unneeded punishment of guilt, who need. I cried for the one I love. For the such ingenius way this world, and each and every material thing, experience, emotion, and mind was created. I cried for everything deserving..and for nothing.

In this time of my seclusion...I found, that I feel. I feel everything. everything. So far, my mind and my heart are the two most indescribable creations on this planet. I'll believe that until I find something more. I want to make a frail attempt at showing the world what I see..feel, hear, sense...etc. I try everyday..but it is impossible. Why is it that I can understand a mind so easily? Why is it that I can know exactly a persons true mind, heart and soul just by looking at them once? Why is it that a girl of such a young age is able to remember, understand, comprehend so many, many complicated things? How can a girl this age, teach even the wisest things they didn't know? Where do these memories and this knowledge and hope come from? Who am I really? and why me? As I have said over and over again year after year, to person and person..I am not special, I am not courageous or brave. I am clumsy. I am not a leader.

So where is the truth? Where is the answer? The answer everyone want's. I'll leave that a mystery for the sake of every individual's adventure. It is findable and closer than you think. I do believe in destiny and I do believe in fate..if a person finds it now, then I believe it was meant to happen so. If a person does not find it soon, then I know how that person thinks, how they live, and that their purpose has taken a seperate route. And at this moment in time, I dont believe it matters which path you take. There is isn't a right or wrong.

I had not planned this at all, and I don't know why I have written what I have. But I am very happy now. Very excited. Very wishful...and hopeing that my trusty patience does not fail me now.

Thieves who steal The Grapes

There's something, I've only just realized. An enormous mistake I made..although..this mistake needed to be made in order to set things right when I realize it..which I have now. There is a contact that I lost...lost Him because I stopped believeing that He is in any way real. I never truly stopped believeing..I just no longer wanted to, so I told myself over and over again until I had deceived my own mind. And I accomplished nothing for the better. I found that attempting to block certain things will never work if those things are truly meant to be. They will always be with me, I might dull them..but not for long..years later, when they are desperately needed, they'll resurface, and I cannot block them anymore. Thank you to the saint, Jeanne d'Arc..for bringing me the next step. The symbol is finished.

A New Dawn

I haven't posted for a few days..I actually did try to write though. I'd type something up, and it just wouldn't come out the way wanted/intended it too. Maybe I'll do better this time.

Today's been a tough day. I've been tired, and have a shorter breaking point. I'm not starving myself of food or sleep on purpose. I dont eat much because now, to me, it takes a very long time before I find anything that looks remotely appetizing. I suppose I've got a loss of appetite because of the heat..but who knows. And the sleep..I dont know what's wrong with me there. I just have trouble sleeping now. Whether it be the dreams that I dont want to see, or developing insomnia, or stress, or the time change screwing my body clock up...or fear. I dont know, I wont jump to conclusions though. I tend to do that a lot.

You know, I was thinking..there is something that I really want to do..and somehow, feel that I should do. I want to learn to manipulate energy in other ways. I want to heal people in this way..from anything from emotional, to physical ailments. And I'll make a goal, I've got to heal x amount of people/times...before ever using it for myself. I think it's going to take a while to teach myself this..and to trust that it really works. But..maybe I ought to start with something a little simpler..as I dont know how natural any of this will come to me..maybe start with some pk or something. Which reminds me...of Criss Angel (Sarantakos)...after first seeing what he could do, ages ago..he managed to weasel his way into my list of hero's immediately. I have to say that he is an amazing artist full of talents that any one wishes to have. And of course, you cannot forget David Blaine, although David, I'd have to say isn't quite as remarkable..But they both have equally unique abilities and deserve support and praise for what they do. Bringing life from death. Showing the world what is possible. I honestly believe that not everything they do is an illusion..in fact..it may be the only 'real' thing in this world. I'm not entirely positive that these people know exactly what they are achieveing when they find a dead bird, and bring it back to life, translocate in an uncanny way, or when they levitate, walk on water...Magick= miracles, in my view.

I want to become more in tune with myself, the existence of this world, energy, truth, life, realms, planes, the universe..I want to learn..and then pass it on to everyone I meet, everyone I see, whoever I can... As it is above, it is below...I think I do believe in who and what Tuthmosis was and did. And not only him..I should not point to just one..He stepped up and said what many people thought. I think I do believe in 'As above, is below'. I want to sail the Nile River..ride the arc and sail the Sea of Stars...I want to become a part of it all..and I know, it takes work..it takes a lot of work. Things should not come as easy as they sometimes do on this earth. I know, it's unbelieveable..you've actually got to work, serve to make it. Not only this, "be good, and you wont go to hell"....It was never.. going to a temple and worshiping the god(s)...it was going to the temple (workshop) and working for the gods..serving them the Food. That's how you become like them. That's how you obtain your 'light body' ...(and might I had a little stickup for the egyptians, they were never as crude or satanic a people as they are made out to be..their plan always seems more comforting..more difficult, but more comforting..If you make it there, only to be lost among the stars..Horus will find you and bring you back to try again..He'll not leave you.) Sin..is simply not preparing your mind and body for the change and not serving/working for what you want..that's what sin originally meant..they knew you sinned because you got sick..because you got old and gray..No one has to get sick in this world. Yes, maybe viruses and germs and bacteria are out there..but they cant affect you unless you allow them to do so. It's..in a way, something we created ourselves. Why waste millions of dollars..thousands of peoples lives, trying to find the cure that is right there inside you all along. It is all inside you...the one place you'd never think to look for any of the answers we all seek.

I've gone off on my own little tangent of nonsensible things..I should probably stop, huh?

No Name

It's done..well.. actually, it has begun, not completed of course. But the first step, and I'm hating myself for it right now. But that's part of it..the hate..eventually, I will subdue the guilt. It wont ever go away, at least that's how it seems right now.

I am going to go about several changes now..and in the coming days, weeks, months..who knows..but I am changing. Most things, for the better..some may not be as such though.

The boy lead me to a realm of the dead..I saw him run down the stone road. It was overcast, it looked like winter, but no snow. The trees and leaves were dead, nothing green..a breeze..and no sign of life but the boy and I. I followed, he lead me to a cliff, where I looked out..everything was desolate..there were fields, but they seemed..dead. and I thought I saw some sort of structure in the distance. I whispered to myself, what is this place?..The boy didn't answer my question, but he said something..something that I forgot as soon as I came out of it..but it is in my mind somewhere, and it will come out when it is supposed to.

He then ran passed me, towards the trees to my left, I went after him, and pushed through the thick dead branches..I could feel their texture even. But soon, I came to a clearing..a perfect, circular clearing..and was concious of him behind me, watching, waiting. I took a step in. The dead leaves swirled away from my foot with the wind. I turned back to him and he left through the trees again.

I followed him once again..when we came out, it looked somewhat like a very small cemetery, but I'm not very sure. There were stairs that seemed to go down, underneath the ground..and I followed him down, and around every turn, until..he was gone. But looking on, I saw a room, there was something in it, I think, but I'm not sure. But I saw moons inside. And I tried to go on..but it ended. He was gone, and it stopped. Everything seemed to happen simultaneously..I opened my eyes, and..there I was..suddenly confused, exhausted, not even knowing my own name.

Cross the Sea of Tears

'Although you might not be as clear as you wish when communicating your plans, you are still a force to be reckoned with. You are riding a wave that is building in power, so don't play all your cards yet. Waiting for the best moment to share your ideas can be challenging, for you want others to know right away. Still, you'll get a better response if you can hold off for even one more day.' I think it's amazing, how accurate the site I recieve these from, every day...horoscopes, of course..and it's hard to find an accurate one these days. But I know a few of the people who work with it, so they are genuine. Anywho, changing the subject...

There is something I need to do. And it all came to me rather suddenly. But it will cause me to have to lose contact with a few people..I dont know for how long..maybe even forever. Not everyone, of course, but a few very good friends of mine. Heh...it's one of the cruelest things I've done so far.. I dont see how some people can do worse things like what I'm doing, solely for enjoyment..or to get gain in some way or another..and just do it all the time. I cant hurt people..and that's that..I just..can't purposely hurt someone else for a reason like that. And..I know, he's told me..I do everything I can to help everyone who comes my way..but I end up trying to help all the wrong people..most of the time, at least. Doing that, get's me in more trouble..I might be fighting a war that's already been lost..and that person is beyond my help..and will only take advantage of me and bring me down as well. Because, as we know, the low get lonely, and could always use some company so rather than coming to me, they'll bring me to them.

Anyways.. that isn't the point. The point is, there is something I have to do now. Part of this 'something' has to do with changing myself..it will make me stronger..if I can do this..I will be one step closer to being able to control my emotion. It makes me weak when I try too hard to surpress that other side of me. I cant do that anymore..I've got to make them seperate, then mesh them together. This just has to be done..to prove it to myself that it can be done. And I'm still not entirely sure how to go about it, but I'll just ride the wave and see where it takes me......It's going to be hard, I know, very very hard for me. Just gotta tell myself that what I'm doing isn't going to kill me, it might even be the beginning of what saves me.

My life is really insane..always wished for an adventure, now that I've got...what you could call an adventure, I'm not so sure I want it. Not like the movies at all, it isn't... But..all in good time, it shall be worth it..

Embrace the Pain

I swear..I thought I was destined to spend the night in the hospital. I dont know what exactly happened..I've got a few hunches though.

Evan comes up stairs and tells me, come downstairs I want to show you something! and then runs downstairs. So I stand up, and as soon as I do so, something in my gut lets out a burst of pain. So much that I almost fell over right there. But I thought, it'll go away, and I walked down there.... well..an hour later, it's just gotten worse. Maybe I just need to use the restroom, you know? So I try that, no..that's not it..I might be hungry..nope. And soon after that I went into the bathroom again..just in case I threw up what I had just eaten. But it just kept getting worse and worse. It was behind my lower ribs, and a spot just below my belly button, and then another pain just shot up through my chest and all the way up to my neck, just like a long string, on the right side..and then it did it on the left side..but it went up and in between my jaw bone and all the way up to my throat. And by this time, you can imagine I was getting a little dizzy, and I doubled over with the next shot of pain and knelt on the floor and then fell over my legs and held my stomach trying to get the pressure to dull the pain. But it just hurt so bad..and it was a strange type of pain, not normal.. but I cant explain it..And with my head in the position it was, blood rushing to it, and in a strange way it became a more comforting pain because it was familar to me..and so I tried to focus on that. But really, I just ended up either about to pass out or about to fall asleep, I'm not exactly sure, I cant remember.

But then my dad found me in there on the floor. and I told him I was hurting really bad..and he just said stand up straight..and I couldn't, if I did, it'd hurt unbearably. So, he did the next best thing, and he got me laying down as flat as possible on a chair and a stool. And just stretching out flat was horrible. But he just told me, to close my eyes and breath very deeply..and for the first few minutes it was the height of the pain, but then it slowly subsided..and I felt fine. Well..as fine as I ever feel.

Strange as it sounds, I am half glad I got to feel that sort of pain..Pain should be embraced. It is what tells you that you're alive. It is what shows you the reality of this life. It is what creates what we call 'feeling good' or 'relaxed' . People just can't face reality most times. I think, I've learned, you dont try to run from the pain because life is pain. It is impossible to avoid. It's not possible to escape pain, There are just degrees of pain and brands of pain, but the real problem people have is thinking that there's some way to avoid pain. Maybe if you seek out the pain wherever it hides, and embrace, and challenge it, it will make you all the more stronger, all the more powerful, and more in tune with yourself..I believe. Physical and emotional pains are ineluctable. hm..now that I think of it, didn't Dalai Lama say something like Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Now, no worries, I'm not going to go out and start cutting daily, I'm just making a point..not to fear pain..

Dort vorher Mein Augen

okay..well I'm back..there were other things I wanted to get out of me. Like the dreams I get..have gotten..throughout my life..I met someone not too long ago, by following my senses..and he in turn, introduced me to a very nice woman who I've found has some sort of connection wih me. Well, I suppose it is so, at least. We both were drawn to that man, who I'll call Chris, for the sake of the innocent. Things draw me to certain people, and I'm only just discovering what it is about him. And no, not the kind of 'being drawn to someone' as a future lover, not that kind..Anyways, the woman and I were talking about that, and then started talking about dreams we've been having. And she began telling me about one..which really shocked me because I had the same one but from a different view, and after she brought it up, I knew where I had seen her and chris from. In her version of the dream, she is in a pentagram circle, off the ground and sort of floating. There are two other men in the cirlce below her, and something..reaches toward her, calls her and she extends a hand back toward it, and one of the men below her tells her no, and to come back to him. As in, reach for his hand and to not go further with what she was doing. I saw the dream form out side the circle, my thoughts were, 'this is wrong' and as I saw the girl reach her hand forward I started running, but ended up waking after that. But when I thought about it, that girl looked strikingly similar to the woman I was talking to, and one of the men below her looked exactly like chris. So I'd seen them before. I saw chris elsewhere as well......I cant remember if I had mentioned these or not, and I dont know what to call them, but how whenever I'd close my eyes, not sleeping, just closing my eyes, I'd see things, not as often right now, thankfully, as they keep me from getting sleep. But these things are only short flashes, take only very short amounts of time to show me an entire event before moving on, and yet, I get the entire thing. But I saw him in one of those, just his face, that's it...no event with it either. I see a lot of faces, but I remember seeing his. Most of the things I've seen in those....what to call them, visions? no..maybe, but I cant claim that until I am positive..possibly memories, or just my imagination, who knows...but most of the things I seen are nightmarish to me, or very very odd. I dont care to mention any of them here, but maybe individually to other people if they wish..................I had a dream about a week ago, in which I saw a very, strange symbol...being drawn, by a figure whom I was not given the chance to see his/her face. I drew as much of it as I had seen the minute I woke up, and so as not to forget it, became obsessed with drawing it over and over again. Then it suddenly came to me, and I showed it to chris and he said he knew what it was and I told him I wasn't even sure if it was done yet, as it was in the process of being drawn, and that it made no sense to me, and he told me, it doesn't make sense because it isn't finished. And now as I look at it, it looks more and more familar, I just cant pinpoint exactly where..I've seen it before, I guess.............Anyways, a little more for the updating side..I went and picked evan up in nashville yesterday..was so excited I had stayed up til 4 and woke up at 7..lol, and I made my dad drop me off for a little bit at the court of 3 stars...couldn't help myself. It wasn't as good as it was before because I did it alone, but it still amazed me, I had brought my little stepsister along, and like I said, it amazed me and I kept asking if she heard it and she had no idea what I was talking about....I told her to try and she said she heard a little bit, and she said, oh I see, it's a button, huh? nope, it's magick, I told her....Magick at Meru, surrounded by the Red Granite.. atop the Iron Rod, beneath the Sea of Stars.

I knew

Stange things are happening again.. or rather, always have been with me. And I must repeat myself in saying that in some way, it is all connected. Everything that has happened to me in the passed 2 years and beyond...is connected to eachother. Although at this moment, I am not sure if it is all leading to something big..something small, or nothing at all...maybe it is simply a vicious circle or horror, pain, and happiness...........I think I may mention things here today, that I've never, or never so bluntly, talked about..or maybe some recent findings, all I know is that I've got to get these things out of my system..things stay locked up inside me too long. But anyways.........Things are following me, I cannot tell if it is just recent or always. But I do know that I am not the only one followed by them here..my father has been for a very long time, though I dont know how long. I haven't been attacked by any of these things in any extremely violent way, not as he often is. I do not know, if they are there to hurt me for their own benefits, or there to draw my attention away from what I should be focussing on...as a test I mean, mustering up fear in me, making it harder to overcome. Maybe they want to hurt me, or maybe they want to make it a harder challenge for me to make it to where I need to be...... Some of these beings are what you could call demons, others are different..although I do not want to believe that they are what is very obviously hinted at. I feel them around me at times, and I do see them other times.. But the minute I came to this house, I knew that they were here. Whether they were already here, or came as I did, though, I dont know. But they were in my grandmothers old, old house..where I lived as a very young child, and where my dad lived up until last year when he moved here........ I love that house though..despite the presences there. It's old, has a distinct smell..hard wood floors..ivy and honeysuckle climbing all around it. Arches, and old skeleton keys, bats in the basement. I know, I'm odd..it's a beautiful house to me, and to others in that town, it's known as the haunted house..which I can see why they would honestly think that..it's basically true anyways. But now that my dad moved out, she's wanting to sell it...well, I've gotten off topic, haven't I? Back to those beings, I dont know if they are many or just one. But I do know that there is one distinct one that I am aware of most often and...I believe he is in this room with me right now..and throughout writing this, I've been trying to conquer fear by ignoring it, but it is getting worse..so I'll go now, but I'll come back later and write more...

kinda pathetic...

AGH! Well, I figured I'd let my aunt and uncle have some time to themselves because they never get to, so I decided to babysit for them...ugh..two days..You can only handle so much of a 4, 5, and 8 year olds at one time. Rest..give me rest! They're cute and all..but jeez they're a handful. Well.. anyways, so been pretty worn out from that, but..now come to find out that the labored breathing I noticed in Samson not too long ago might be the same thing that killed Seth. ahhh! makes me want to cry just thinking about it, just looking at him lay there and rarely be able to move. In my family here, our cats are just like brothers and sisters..that's the kind of love we've got for them and that's how we treat them...so you can imagine how sad this is going to be for me. I know, I'm pathetic, but I love them so much..all of them! and Caroline's got herself all worked up and I just dont know what to tell her, she's convinced herself he's going to die. I hugged her then brought her face between my hands and told her to stop talking like that because he's not dead. ..then of course.. later that night, as I was just thinking about all kinds of things..that moment came to mind and as if I didn't have enough emotion for the day, the line I said there reminded me of the line I said on that phone call to vim (shall I use the nicknames?)..and after that..it just came out again. After breaking it off with him, I held myself unusally together. It didn't affect me as much as I thought at first. but when I remembered that..I dunno..it just hit me. And then I realized..I made a big mistake..a really big mistake a few days ago. See after people started realizing that I was single..they kind of tried harder..and it's just so sudden, no one has ever paid attention to me like this before. Anyways..I think I let myself get rushed too quickly into a relationship that I couldn't handle so soon. Especially with a person who I just dont really know..I mean I do, but not....not like I wish. He's a really nice guy..he really is. And even though I dont want to admit it to myself that he is deffinitately not the one..I'd like him to be, and I'll give him a chance I guess..I just..I couldn't say no when he asked..I just cant ever say no. And I end up in situations like this. But I've already told myself no breaking his heart..at least not so soon. :( *bangs head on desk* stupid stupid stupid. *sigh* Well, not too long ago I got a Tarot reading from a friend of mine. oh it was fantastic.. it ended up amazing and even somewhere in there I was on the verge of tears, just because it made me think, but it was the best therapy. I know I've just got to start believeing...most important I've got to stop thinking about the things I dont want and start thinking about the things I do want. There was a lot said there..and maybe I'll write more about it some other time because the internets going to cut out pretty soon. this post is kinda pathetic though...heh.. oh well

Court of Three Stars

Well...I've had a very life changing experience this passed weekend. I think a lot of things are going to shift about me now. Believe it or not, I now know where I need to be physically and mentally. I know the next step. I know the truth now...the truth! The minute I heard and saw those things, I knew they were truth. I've been talking around something, I know, but this 'thing' is very complicated...very complex..and to certain ears, will not help...will rather hurt..or do nothing for them, so why try? I have amazed people with being so young and understanding so much when it comes to life and, I suppose, more spiritual matters. I am told now, by many, that it is that I am what they call an 'old soul'. I've been through this cycle over and over and over again...I've gone through this cycle so many times now. Although I dont quite remember each of those times, I just know that I experienced them. So yes, I was once a 'younger soul' and now I'm not. And frankly, I have to say, I'm old and tired of going through all of this. I'm determined.. this will be the last time.. I will move on.I will go to the next level..hour, or whatever you want to call it. I wont be thrown back to try again. But knowing all of this, I have gained the knowledge through tarot of what part of me will send me back if I do not change it. That is fear. Fear will hold me back from all of the potential I have. When and if I get myself out of the firery boiling pot there will be a tiger right along beside me, and I will be as strong as ever. I will be able to unlock the vast amount of strength that is already in me. I just need to overcome that fear..and I'm already taking steps..So yes, in a way, I've finally found my religion. Yes, in a way, it is christian. But people do not know, and do not understand that christianity is not the same as it originally started out to be. And people blindly take the bible to be complete and literal. They do what sounds the easiest whether it is truth or not. You can't just be nice to people and expect to make it to "Heaven"...no no..there is much more to it. But I am so very very glad that I know now, I know what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I dont know exactly what my destiny is..what fate will bring, I just know what I have to do. There is proof of it all around us, we just choose not to see it..even when it is pointed out to us. But of course I cannot take all of the credit for finding myself..my father played the biggest role. Without him, this would never have happened...or at least, not in time. But there's so much to tell..but I just cant tell it here.I'm just so incredibly happy now that I know...I know what I'm supposed to be doing and where I belong and the truth. And the only reason why I have this now, why I have this happiness now, is for all of those people out there...I cannot even begin to name them all..but they all helped to get me here in someway. And so I'm thanking all of them now..thanking them because it is the best gift anyone could ever recieve.

Remember those days?

The dawn is breaking...A light shining through....You're barely waking......And I'm tangled up in you...Yeah, I'm open, you're closed....Where I follow, you'll go....I worry I won't see your face...Light up again....Even the best fall down sometimes....Even the wrong words seem to rhyme....Out of the doubt that fills my mind......I somehow find...You and I collide....I'm quiet you know...You make a first impression.....I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind....Even the best fall down sometimes....Even the stars refuse to shine....Out of the back you fall in time...I somehow find...You and I collide....Don't stop here....I lost my place...I'm close behind...Even the best fall down sometimes...Even the wrong words seem to ryhme...Out of the doubt that fills your mind...You finally find...You and I collide...You finally find....You and I collide...You finally find... You and I collide.... Remember those days?

Just One More Step

It scares me sometimes...this force inside me...I can feel it like a second layer beneath my skin...it clings just below the surface and it breathes with my pulse; racing though out my body in an endless loop...it charges me...it empowers me...it grants a sharpness and crispness to the night like no other living soul can fathom...I gain a smoothness; a fluidity to my whole body...i gain grace; i gain poise; i gain a strength and confidence beyond that of my fragile form...I know and see and understand the night around me...i can smell the life; i can see the heat; i can feel the warmth of their sheer aliveness of those around me...and then the need rises...the aching longing to feel complete with this second self...to meld the two into one perfect union....to feel the pleasure of the union; to feel the perfection of the union; to feel whole; sated; complete...but this solace does not come cheaply...it demands a price...it demands it's dues...and it will do whatever it must to fulfill it's need...it is my Beast; my Hunger...it is alive as I am alive and it is ruthless...a force of nature and therefore, in and of itself, not evil....but, being of nature, it knows nothing of morality...it knows nothing of "right" and "wrong" ...it only knows it's drive to feed; to sate it's need; to survive at all cost...and it is so very strong...it courses though you; violating your very veins whispering it's wants to you...it sings in your soul sweet promises of pleasure and power...it knows what you secretly long for and it teases you with these very things until you give in...until you can not postpone the next 'high' a moment longer..until you find your teeth clamped onto living flesh and in a second of sheer horror, you realize you have done it again; you have surrendered; you have brought pain and harm with your need and you have lost the never-ending battle one more time...but this is so fleeting...so washed away in the glory that is this surrender...you've wanted it for so long and you can no longer function as two separate entities, but mesh into one greedy instinct wearing flesh...
Another battle begins...the battle to regain control...to stop...to cease...to take enough to fill you, but not so much as to harm the donor...it is a fine and dangerous line...it becomes the war of instinct vs. value...you must remember who you are beyond this; what you believe; what you hold dear...that this life is not yours to do with as you want; that you are not immune to law and morals...that this is not an unfeeling creature; that this is not a disposable resource...this is a human life and it is precious and it is worthy of living...and so you must stop...you must break the spell and again take rise over the beast...
The last battle rages later...when you are filled with life...when the world is again new and perfect...when you are strong, alive, powerful...you battle your weakness...you battle yourself and that your need again has won...you battle the endless cycle of it all as you know this perfection will not last...it is fleeting and soon, you do it all again...you will die a thousand deaths this way and you will forever search for that completion you touch for a moment...but you will never hold it...it is an addiction more greedy and demanding than any drug; it is a pain and hurt a thousand times as sharp as any other; and it is forever yours to have; forever yours to fight in futile fits...in the end, it will always win...you are it's slave...and you can never break free...and it scares me sometimes...it can be such a force of hurt and a force of pain...it is strong and it always wins... I never talk of such things here..but this is my journal, as once again I must point out to myself that it is where everything inside me, and out, should be written. I cannot keep things inside me forever, if I don't bring them out myself, they will find their way out in a way I may not like, in a place I may not like, or to a person I may not want it to get to..at least, not directly. But I sometimes see it as an impossibility..nothing can come out of me and be put into words..but it is very much a possibility..it just takes time. And as I am learning, I will continue to show myself through appearance..art, music..the wordless magicks. People can choose to see it, or they can choose not to...if they try, but cannot, then it is not for them to see. Someone asked me once something to the effect of, How can you lead the horse to water if you know not from whence it learned to walk? Knowing this, I now try to allow myself to come out of the corner, to let myself be helped and freed. You can never receieve what you need, or want, without giving of yourself. I must admit though, I have my faults, I am not perfect, I am not always good, I am low sometimes, I dont always pick myself back up after I've fallen..but sometimes I just need a little help standing back up, a little push...I might've broken a leg that time and need some help getting up. I will try to give life my best..and get over those pains and sorrows sooner. Take it slow, one step at a time..just one step at a time..