kinda pathetic...

AGH! Well, I figured I'd let my aunt and uncle have some time to themselves because they never get to, so I decided to babysit for them...ugh..two days..You can only handle so much of a 4, 5, and 8 year olds at one time. Rest..give me rest! They're cute and all..but jeez they're a handful. Well.. anyways, so been pretty worn out from that, but..now come to find out that the labored breathing I noticed in Samson not too long ago might be the same thing that killed Seth. ahhh! makes me want to cry just thinking about it, just looking at him lay there and rarely be able to move. In my family here, our cats are just like brothers and sisters..that's the kind of love we've got for them and that's how we treat them...so you can imagine how sad this is going to be for me. I know, I'm pathetic, but I love them so much..all of them! and Caroline's got herself all worked up and I just dont know what to tell her, she's convinced herself he's going to die. I hugged her then brought her face between my hands and told her to stop talking like that because he's not dead. ..then of course.. later that night, as I was just thinking about all kinds of things..that moment came to mind and as if I didn't have enough emotion for the day, the line I said there reminded me of the line I said on that phone call to vim (shall I use the nicknames?)..and after that..it just came out again. After breaking it off with him, I held myself unusally together. It didn't affect me as much as I thought at first. but when I remembered that..I dunno..it just hit me. And then I realized..I made a big mistake..a really big mistake a few days ago. See after people started realizing that I was single..they kind of tried harder..and it's just so sudden, no one has ever paid attention to me like this before. Anyways..I think I let myself get rushed too quickly into a relationship that I couldn't handle so soon. Especially with a person who I just dont really know..I mean I do, but not....not like I wish. He's a really nice guy..he really is. And even though I dont want to admit it to myself that he is deffinitately not the one..I'd like him to be, and I'll give him a chance I guess..I just..I couldn't say no when he asked..I just cant ever say no. And I end up in situations like this. But I've already told myself no breaking his heart..at least not so soon. :( *bangs head on desk* stupid stupid stupid. *sigh* Well, not too long ago I got a Tarot reading from a friend of mine. oh it was fantastic.. it ended up amazing and even somewhere in there I was on the verge of tears, just because it made me think, but it was the best therapy. I know I've just got to start believeing...most important I've got to stop thinking about the things I dont want and start thinking about the things I do want. There was a lot said there..and maybe I'll write more about it some other time because the internets going to cut out pretty soon. this post is kinda pathetic though...heh.. oh well