Different from many

This post will be a little..different...

I know, I leeched onto you because you were the first person that got so close to actually understanding me..but then again, in the end, you were only ‘so close’. You were also the first person to ever tell me that you really loved me.

And now I realize that…you were my life. I couldn’t stop thinking about you because you were my hope, that's all. My only hope that things would get better one day. That maybe one day, I would not be so alone. That maybe one day that thirst would be quenched. The torture would stop.

I thought I wanted to hurt myself. But I didn’t…I just didn’t care if someone came and kidnapped me, molested me, raped me, tortured me, killed me…It’s like I don’t care. And yet I do..I do only because I’d die without a purpose. I thought I didn’t care because I can deal with physical pain just fine…To me…it’s not as bad as the torture I’ve been going through every day.

I said I wanted a gun to my head...not my leg, arm…not my heart. My head, because it is my mind that is the torture. It’s my mind that I want to stop.

You’re right, I wouldn’t do it to myself. That’s why you never take me seriously. Kinda makes me want to just to prove myself.

I wouldn’t do it to myself, but I’d let someone else do it to me.

I’m grateful for life, I’m grateful for this body and spirit, I’m garateful for a chance to live, and yes, I’m also grateful for this mind. I know that contradicts everything..but I am well aware that I am only being tested to see how long I can last before he allows me to move on. Maybe I am even being tested for other things as well. So, I am grateful for that.

But it doesn’t mean I’m invincible, it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard, it doesn’t mean it isn’t torture, or that I’m not alone. I am, and that’s part of my purpose, part of my test. But I see no rule that says I cant talk about the pain, no rule that says I cant hate it. No rule that says I can’t want, need, wish, hope.

It will be like this for the next, at least, four years as long as I can survive it well, without dying or being mentally distorted in some way. I have always known that it is only a matter of time. But I don’t know how much longer I can take. I know that the first part is finding where I need to go next. But I cant do that unless I am free..and I can’t be free unless I have the courage to fight for my freedom.

And now, I just need to find something or someone that’ll get me started, and not let me forget what I’m doing, not let me fall back down despite what is happening in and all around me. I need that, that’s all I need…so that maybe..I can use my time for gaining more courage and mending myself.

This is not my way of self-pity. This is not my way of self-oppression. I’m not here to waste my time with false idols. And I am not here to grant my own wishes.