Ant Habeby

I have not written for ages, I know. I've just been so caught up with everything around me, as well as everything inside me. But right now...my emotions are very...deep, I suppose...so it makes for a good time to catch up.

I'll start with..just the fact that ever since that last post, I've been in a worse chaos then ever before. Nothing went right, it seemed like everything I said or did was wrong...very clumsy (although I usually am anyway), very 'out of it', I could not leave the house..let alone my room. I completely lost track of time and I didn't even know what day it was..I could think one morning, that I was waking up to a tuesday morning..when really...it was already friday. I rarely ate, ended up completely dehydrated. Been letting my emotions go however they wish...so at one point, I could let fear take complete control..and that's a scary thing, lemme tell ya. Always in pain, always feeling as if I was going to die right then and there...Whether I was just feeling that way, or wishing that..I can't be for sure. It has been going on like this (and several more things that I dont care to mention here) from the time I posted last, until just 20 minutes ago.

Dont worry, once I finish this..I plan to eat my first meal of the day, and drink lot's of water.

Anyway, I guess I just had so much stress that it was just..making me psychotic. there were times that I allowed myself to do certain things that I thought would be the key to freeing me of this stress. I highly regret it because it is only a mirage, and I very well knew that from the beginning. You see it far off and think it is the answer to all your problems, that it is complete paradise and relaxation. So you try by any means necessary to get closer..and when you get there, you find that the only real pleasure was merely the imagination..the fantasy.. you had beforehand.

So..many nights were spent with no sleep. Just thinking...crying...wishing...dreaming. Hope. I cried for the many dreams had in the world..that had been ruthlessly crushed in an instant. For the pains of every person on this Earth. For every person who burried the goodness they were born with, burried it so deep..and left it forgotten. For all of the people stripped of their rights, their happiness..and their hope. For every person in this world who is lost, who feels the unneeded punishment of guilt, who need. I cried for the one I love. For the such ingenius way this world, and each and every material thing, experience, emotion, and mind was created. I cried for everything deserving..and for nothing.

In this time of my seclusion...I found, that I feel. I feel everything. everything. So far, my mind and my heart are the two most indescribable creations on this planet. I'll believe that until I find something more. I want to make a frail attempt at showing the world what I see..feel, hear, sense...etc. I try everyday..but it is impossible. Why is it that I can understand a mind so easily? Why is it that I can know exactly a persons true mind, heart and soul just by looking at them once? Why is it that a girl of such a young age is able to remember, understand, comprehend so many, many complicated things? How can a girl this age, teach even the wisest things they didn't know? Where do these memories and this knowledge and hope come from? Who am I really? and why me? As I have said over and over again year after year, to person and person..I am not special, I am not courageous or brave. I am clumsy. I am not a leader.

So where is the truth? Where is the answer? The answer everyone want's. I'll leave that a mystery for the sake of every individual's adventure. It is findable and closer than you think. I do believe in destiny and I do believe in fate..if a person finds it now, then I believe it was meant to happen so. If a person does not find it soon, then I know how that person thinks, how they live, and that their purpose has taken a seperate route. And at this moment in time, I dont believe it matters which path you take. There is isn't a right or wrong.

I had not planned this at all, and I don't know why I have written what I have. But I am very happy now. Very excited. Very wishful...and hopeing that my trusty patience does not fail me now.