Just One More Step

It scares me sometimes...this force inside me...I can feel it like a second layer beneath my skin...it clings just below the surface and it breathes with my pulse; racing though out my body in an endless loop...it charges me...it empowers me...it grants a sharpness and crispness to the night like no other living soul can fathom...I gain a smoothness; a fluidity to my whole body...i gain grace; i gain poise; i gain a strength and confidence beyond that of my fragile form...I know and see and understand the night around me...i can smell the life; i can see the heat; i can feel the warmth of their sheer aliveness of those around me...and then the need rises...the aching longing to feel complete with this second self...to meld the two into one perfect union....to feel the pleasure of the union; to feel the perfection of the union; to feel whole; sated; complete...but this solace does not come cheaply...it demands a price...it demands it's dues...and it will do whatever it must to fulfill it's need...it is my Beast; my Hunger...it is alive as I am alive and it is ruthless...a force of nature and therefore, in and of itself, not evil....but, being of nature, it knows nothing of morality...it knows nothing of "right" and "wrong" ...it only knows it's drive to feed; to sate it's need; to survive at all cost...and it is so very strong...it courses though you; violating your very veins whispering it's wants to you...it sings in your soul sweet promises of pleasure and power...it knows what you secretly long for and it teases you with these very things until you give in...until you can not postpone the next 'high' a moment longer..until you find your teeth clamped onto living flesh and in a second of sheer horror, you realize you have done it again; you have surrendered; you have brought pain and harm with your need and you have lost the never-ending battle one more time...but this is so fleeting...so washed away in the glory that is this surrender...you've wanted it for so long and you can no longer function as two separate entities, but mesh into one greedy instinct wearing flesh...
Another battle begins...the battle to regain control...to stop...to cease...to take enough to fill you, but not so much as to harm the donor...it is a fine and dangerous line...it becomes the war of instinct vs. value...you must remember who you are beyond this; what you believe; what you hold dear...that this life is not yours to do with as you want; that you are not immune to law and morals...that this is not an unfeeling creature; that this is not a disposable resource...this is a human life and it is precious and it is worthy of living...and so you must stop...you must break the spell and again take rise over the beast...
The last battle rages later...when you are filled with life...when the world is again new and perfect...when you are strong, alive, powerful...you battle your weakness...you battle yourself and that your need again has won...you battle the endless cycle of it all as you know this perfection will not last...it is fleeting and soon, you do it all again...you will die a thousand deaths this way and you will forever search for that completion you touch for a moment...but you will never hold it...it is an addiction more greedy and demanding than any drug; it is a pain and hurt a thousand times as sharp as any other; and it is forever yours to have; forever yours to fight in futile fits...in the end, it will always win...you are it's slave...and you can never break free...and it scares me sometimes...it can be such a force of hurt and a force of pain...it is strong and it always wins... I never talk of such things here..but this is my journal, as once again I must point out to myself that it is where everything inside me, and out, should be written. I cannot keep things inside me forever, if I don't bring them out myself, they will find their way out in a way I may not like, in a place I may not like, or to a person I may not want it to get to..at least, not directly. But I sometimes see it as an impossibility..nothing can come out of me and be put into words..but it is very much a possibility..it just takes time. And as I am learning, I will continue to show myself through appearance..art, music..the wordless magicks. People can choose to see it, or they can choose not to...if they try, but cannot, then it is not for them to see. Someone asked me once something to the effect of, How can you lead the horse to water if you know not from whence it learned to walk? Knowing this, I now try to allow myself to come out of the corner, to let myself be helped and freed. You can never receieve what you need, or want, without giving of yourself. I must admit though, I have my faults, I am not perfect, I am not always good, I am low sometimes, I dont always pick myself back up after I've fallen..but sometimes I just need a little help standing back up, a little push...I might've broken a leg that time and need some help getting up. I will try to give life my best..and get over those pains and sorrows sooner. Take it slow, one step at a time..just one step at a time..