This thing is taking over. My mind and therefore my body. I can't tell what is real and what isn't. I can no longer tell which pains are real and which are figures of my imagination. I can no longer tell what thoughts are mine and which.. aren't. I don't know how to help myself anymore. Certain things affect me in strange and bad ways now. Like certain quotations will cause pain and voices and hurt and I can't describe it.
I can't tell if it's some other being causing the things that happen to me to happen or if it's just me own screwed up mind. Which voice do I follow? Who do I trust? Who is God anyway? Who or what am I? I'm not pedestrian, I know that. Who are these people I see? Why do they do this to me? What do they want? Should I trust them?
I cannot tell if they are good. My mind will not still itself. Back and forth. Back and forth. Is this me? Blank. Is it good, right? Blank. Cut, burn, pain, reality. And from her arm starts to fall, a beautiful ruby red. What am I supposed to do??!!!
I don't know who I am. Only vaguely, I see myself, but it is hard to hold on. My mind is being taken away. Struggle? But it feels beautiful...It feels good, but do I trust it? It feels good and yet it causes a faint fear in me. Don't give in,, a voice says. It's too hard. Another voice whispers truths and other's intentions/thoughts in my ear. Truths?? or....lies?
Who is this that follows me but is invisible to the eyes of most others? What did I do to recieve this pain, this torture, torment?? Who thrusts their hand into my back, creating such a hole to climb into and eat away my heart? Snake your black coils around every organ inside of me. Coming to my heart and brain, they squeeze...squeeze and pierce and control, I lose myself...See what I say and do, but cry out in my mind "stop!! no! please..." But I continue. I can't stop myself, I've got no control, I can only watch.
What keeps me going when the creature becomes too overwhelming?? cut, burn, pain, reality. The need for such things comes more and more often. How do I stop this? How?? Help me... I do not know god...help me. voices,voices, dreams, visions, pains, unamed and indescribable emotions, thoughts, whispers, shaking, cold goosebumps, hot head, thin strings of sharp pain vibrating off each other.
Try every possible outlet, cure, hope...but no success.. never success. Tried everything but death. Death. Is death the relief? The lastof my faith slowly slips away. I reach for it, I reach for freedom... but it cruelly slips through my fingers. I am honest. If I had done something as bad to deserve this, then our beloved God is not as merciful as we once thought. Is this punishment? a test? fate? insanity? Or one being's idea of fun. I start to forget. Forget what I once thought was real, true, right, good.
If it is not selfish of me to say....please rid me of these images!!! Rid me of this pain, this confusion, this terror! Please help me, I beg...I beg to anyone who listens.... Help me please. I dont want to hurt anyone anymore and I dont want to hurt anymore. I dont want to be scared. I dont want to be his slave. Kill me if you must, I just cant help myself. I cant do this on my own anymore. If all else, just be there for me. Just listen to my nonsense rants and screams without fear. Don't abandon me again...please.
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