No Name

It's done..well.. actually, it has begun, not completed of course. But the first step, and I'm hating myself for it right now. But that's part of it..the hate..eventually, I will subdue the guilt. It wont ever go away, at least that's how it seems right now.

I am going to go about several changes now..and in the coming days, weeks, months..who knows..but I am changing. Most things, for the better..some may not be as such though.

The boy lead me to a realm of the dead..I saw him run down the stone road. It was overcast, it looked like winter, but no snow. The trees and leaves were dead, nothing green..a breeze..and no sign of life but the boy and I. I followed, he lead me to a cliff, where I looked out..everything was desolate..there were fields, but they seemed..dead. and I thought I saw some sort of structure in the distance. I whispered to myself, what is this place?..The boy didn't answer my question, but he said something..something that I forgot as soon as I came out of it..but it is in my mind somewhere, and it will come out when it is supposed to.

He then ran passed me, towards the trees to my left, I went after him, and pushed through the thick dead branches..I could feel their texture even. But soon, I came to a clearing..a perfect, circular clearing..and was concious of him behind me, watching, waiting. I took a step in. The dead leaves swirled away from my foot with the wind. I turned back to him and he left through the trees again.

I followed him once again..when we came out, it looked somewhat like a very small cemetery, but I'm not very sure. There were stairs that seemed to go down, underneath the ground..and I followed him down, and around every turn, until..he was gone. But looking on, I saw a room, there was something in it, I think, but I'm not sure. But I saw moons inside. And I tried to go on..but it ended. He was gone, and it stopped. Everything seemed to happen simultaneously..I opened my eyes, and..there I was..suddenly confused, exhausted, not even knowing my own name.

Cross the Sea of Tears

'Although you might not be as clear as you wish when communicating your plans, you are still a force to be reckoned with. You are riding a wave that is building in power, so don't play all your cards yet. Waiting for the best moment to share your ideas can be challenging, for you want others to know right away. Still, you'll get a better response if you can hold off for even one more day.' I think it's amazing, how accurate the site I recieve these from, every day...horoscopes, of course..and it's hard to find an accurate one these days. But I know a few of the people who work with it, so they are genuine. Anywho, changing the subject...

There is something I need to do. And it all came to me rather suddenly. But it will cause me to have to lose contact with a few people..I dont know for how long..maybe even forever. Not everyone, of course, but a few very good friends of mine. Heh...it's one of the cruelest things I've done so far.. I dont see how some people can do worse things like what I'm doing, solely for enjoyment..or to get gain in some way or another..and just do it all the time. I cant hurt people..and that's that..I just..can't purposely hurt someone else for a reason like that. And..I know, he's told me..I do everything I can to help everyone who comes my way..but I end up trying to help all the wrong people..most of the time, at least. Doing that, get's me in more trouble..I might be fighting a war that's already been lost..and that person is beyond my help..and will only take advantage of me and bring me down as well. Because, as we know, the low get lonely, and could always use some company so rather than coming to me, they'll bring me to them.

Anyways.. that isn't the point. The point is, there is something I have to do now. Part of this 'something' has to do with changing myself..it will make me stronger..if I can do this..I will be one step closer to being able to control my emotion. It makes me weak when I try too hard to surpress that other side of me. I cant do that anymore..I've got to make them seperate, then mesh them together. This just has to be done..to prove it to myself that it can be done. And I'm still not entirely sure how to go about it, but I'll just ride the wave and see where it takes me......It's going to be hard, I know, very very hard for me. Just gotta tell myself that what I'm doing isn't going to kill me, it might even be the beginning of what saves me.

My life is really insane..always wished for an adventure, now that I've got...what you could call an adventure, I'm not so sure I want it. Not like the movies at all, it isn't... But..all in good time, it shall be worth it..

Embrace the Pain

I swear..I thought I was destined to spend the night in the hospital. I dont know what exactly happened..I've got a few hunches though.

Evan comes up stairs and tells me, come downstairs I want to show you something! and then runs downstairs. So I stand up, and as soon as I do so, something in my gut lets out a burst of pain. So much that I almost fell over right there. But I thought, it'll go away, and I walked down there.... well..an hour later, it's just gotten worse. Maybe I just need to use the restroom, you know? So I try that, no..that's not it..I might be hungry..nope. And soon after that I went into the bathroom again..just in case I threw up what I had just eaten. But it just kept getting worse and worse. It was behind my lower ribs, and a spot just below my belly button, and then another pain just shot up through my chest and all the way up to my neck, just like a long string, on the right side..and then it did it on the left side..but it went up and in between my jaw bone and all the way up to my throat. And by this time, you can imagine I was getting a little dizzy, and I doubled over with the next shot of pain and knelt on the floor and then fell over my legs and held my stomach trying to get the pressure to dull the pain. But it just hurt so bad..and it was a strange type of pain, not normal.. but I cant explain it..And with my head in the position it was, blood rushing to it, and in a strange way it became a more comforting pain because it was familar to me..and so I tried to focus on that. But really, I just ended up either about to pass out or about to fall asleep, I'm not exactly sure, I cant remember.

But then my dad found me in there on the floor. and I told him I was hurting really bad..and he just said stand up straight..and I couldn't, if I did, it'd hurt unbearably. So, he did the next best thing, and he got me laying down as flat as possible on a chair and a stool. And just stretching out flat was horrible. But he just told me, to close my eyes and breath very deeply..and for the first few minutes it was the height of the pain, but then it slowly subsided..and I felt fine. Well..as fine as I ever feel.

Strange as it sounds, I am half glad I got to feel that sort of pain..Pain should be embraced. It is what tells you that you're alive. It is what shows you the reality of this life. It is what creates what we call 'feeling good' or 'relaxed' . People just can't face reality most times. I think, I've learned, you dont try to run from the pain because life is pain. It is impossible to avoid. It's not possible to escape pain, There are just degrees of pain and brands of pain, but the real problem people have is thinking that there's some way to avoid pain. Maybe if you seek out the pain wherever it hides, and embrace, and challenge it, it will make you all the more stronger, all the more powerful, and more in tune with yourself..I believe. Physical and emotional pains are ineluctable. hm..now that I think of it, didn't Dalai Lama say something like Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Now, no worries, I'm not going to go out and start cutting daily, I'm just making a point..not to fear pain..

Dort vorher Mein Augen

okay..well I'm back..there were other things I wanted to get out of me. Like the dreams I get..have gotten..throughout my life..I met someone not too long ago, by following my senses..and he in turn, introduced me to a very nice woman who I've found has some sort of connection wih me. Well, I suppose it is so, at least. We both were drawn to that man, who I'll call Chris, for the sake of the innocent. Things draw me to certain people, and I'm only just discovering what it is about him. And no, not the kind of 'being drawn to someone' as a future lover, not that kind..Anyways, the woman and I were talking about that, and then started talking about dreams we've been having. And she began telling me about one..which really shocked me because I had the same one but from a different view, and after she brought it up, I knew where I had seen her and chris from. In her version of the dream, she is in a pentagram circle, off the ground and sort of floating. There are two other men in the cirlce below her, and something..reaches toward her, calls her and she extends a hand back toward it, and one of the men below her tells her no, and to come back to him. As in, reach for his hand and to not go further with what she was doing. I saw the dream form out side the circle, my thoughts were, 'this is wrong' and as I saw the girl reach her hand forward I started running, but ended up waking after that. But when I thought about it, that girl looked strikingly similar to the woman I was talking to, and one of the men below her looked exactly like chris. So I'd seen them before. I saw chris elsewhere as well......I cant remember if I had mentioned these or not, and I dont know what to call them, but how whenever I'd close my eyes, not sleeping, just closing my eyes, I'd see things, not as often right now, thankfully, as they keep me from getting sleep. But these things are only short flashes, take only very short amounts of time to show me an entire event before moving on, and yet, I get the entire thing. But I saw him in one of those, just his face, that's it...no event with it either. I see a lot of faces, but I remember seeing his. Most of the things I've seen in those....what to call them, visions? no..maybe, but I cant claim that until I am positive..possibly memories, or just my imagination, who knows...but most of the things I seen are nightmarish to me, or very very odd. I dont care to mention any of them here, but maybe individually to other people if they wish..................I had a dream about a week ago, in which I saw a very, strange symbol...being drawn, by a figure whom I was not given the chance to see his/her face. I drew as much of it as I had seen the minute I woke up, and so as not to forget it, became obsessed with drawing it over and over again. Then it suddenly came to me, and I showed it to chris and he said he knew what it was and I told him I wasn't even sure if it was done yet, as it was in the process of being drawn, and that it made no sense to me, and he told me, it doesn't make sense because it isn't finished. And now as I look at it, it looks more and more familar, I just cant pinpoint exactly where..I've seen it before, I guess.............Anyways, a little more for the updating side..I went and picked evan up in nashville yesterday..was so excited I had stayed up til 4 and woke up at 7..lol, and I made my dad drop me off for a little bit at the court of 3 stars...couldn't help myself. It wasn't as good as it was before because I did it alone, but it still amazed me, I had brought my little stepsister along, and like I said, it amazed me and I kept asking if she heard it and she had no idea what I was talking about....I told her to try and she said she heard a little bit, and she said, oh I see, it's a button, huh? nope, it's magick, I told her....Magick at Meru, surrounded by the Red Granite.. atop the Iron Rod, beneath the Sea of Stars.

I knew

Stange things are happening again.. or rather, always have been with me. And I must repeat myself in saying that in some way, it is all connected. Everything that has happened to me in the passed 2 years and beyond...is connected to eachother. Although at this moment, I am not sure if it is all leading to something big..something small, or nothing at all...maybe it is simply a vicious circle or horror, pain, and happiness...........I think I may mention things here today, that I've never, or never so bluntly, talked about..or maybe some recent findings, all I know is that I've got to get these things out of my system..things stay locked up inside me too long. But anyways.........Things are following me, I cannot tell if it is just recent or always. But I do know that I am not the only one followed by them here..my father has been for a very long time, though I dont know how long. I haven't been attacked by any of these things in any extremely violent way, not as he often is. I do not know, if they are there to hurt me for their own benefits, or there to draw my attention away from what I should be focussing on...as a test I mean, mustering up fear in me, making it harder to overcome. Maybe they want to hurt me, or maybe they want to make it a harder challenge for me to make it to where I need to be...... Some of these beings are what you could call demons, others are different..although I do not want to believe that they are what is very obviously hinted at. I feel them around me at times, and I do see them other times.. But the minute I came to this house, I knew that they were here. Whether they were already here, or came as I did, though, I dont know. But they were in my grandmothers old, old house..where I lived as a very young child, and where my dad lived up until last year when he moved here........ I love that house though..despite the presences there. It's old, has a distinct smell..hard wood floors..ivy and honeysuckle climbing all around it. Arches, and old skeleton keys, bats in the basement. I know, I'm odd..it's a beautiful house to me, and to others in that town, it's known as the haunted house..which I can see why they would honestly think that..it's basically true anyways. But now that my dad moved out, she's wanting to sell it...well, I've gotten off topic, haven't I? Back to those beings, I dont know if they are many or just one. But I do know that there is one distinct one that I am aware of most often and...I believe he is in this room with me right now..and throughout writing this, I've been trying to conquer fear by ignoring it, but it is getting worse..so I'll go now, but I'll come back later and write more...

kinda pathetic...

AGH! Well, I figured I'd let my aunt and uncle have some time to themselves because they never get to, so I decided to babysit for them...ugh..two days..You can only handle so much of a 4, 5, and 8 year olds at one time. Rest..give me rest! They're cute and all..but jeez they're a handful. Well.. anyways, so been pretty worn out from that, but..now come to find out that the labored breathing I noticed in Samson not too long ago might be the same thing that killed Seth. ahhh! makes me want to cry just thinking about it, just looking at him lay there and rarely be able to move. In my family here, our cats are just like brothers and sisters..that's the kind of love we've got for them and that's how we treat them...so you can imagine how sad this is going to be for me. I know, I'm pathetic, but I love them so much..all of them! and Caroline's got herself all worked up and I just dont know what to tell her, she's convinced herself he's going to die. I hugged her then brought her face between my hands and told her to stop talking like that because he's not dead. ..then of course.. later that night, as I was just thinking about all kinds of things..that moment came to mind and as if I didn't have enough emotion for the day, the line I said there reminded me of the line I said on that phone call to vim (shall I use the nicknames?)..and after that..it just came out again. After breaking it off with him, I held myself unusally together. It didn't affect me as much as I thought at first. but when I remembered that..I dunno..it just hit me. And then I realized..I made a big mistake..a really big mistake a few days ago. See after people started realizing that I was single..they kind of tried harder..and it's just so sudden, no one has ever paid attention to me like this before. Anyways..I think I let myself get rushed too quickly into a relationship that I couldn't handle so soon. Especially with a person who I just dont really know..I mean I do, but not....not like I wish. He's a really nice guy..he really is. And even though I dont want to admit it to myself that he is deffinitately not the one..I'd like him to be, and I'll give him a chance I guess..I just..I couldn't say no when he asked..I just cant ever say no. And I end up in situations like this. But I've already told myself no breaking his heart..at least not so soon. :( *bangs head on desk* stupid stupid stupid. *sigh* Well, not too long ago I got a Tarot reading from a friend of mine. oh it was fantastic.. it ended up amazing and even somewhere in there I was on the verge of tears, just because it made me think, but it was the best therapy. I know I've just got to start believeing...most important I've got to stop thinking about the things I dont want and start thinking about the things I do want. There was a lot said there..and maybe I'll write more about it some other time because the internets going to cut out pretty soon. this post is kinda pathetic though...heh.. oh well

Court of Three Stars

Well...I've had a very life changing experience this passed weekend. I think a lot of things are going to shift about me now. Believe it or not, I now know where I need to be physically and mentally. I know the next step. I know the truth now...the truth! The minute I heard and saw those things, I knew they were truth. I've been talking around something, I know, but this 'thing' is very complicated...very complex..and to certain ears, will not help...will rather hurt..or do nothing for them, so why try? I have amazed people with being so young and understanding so much when it comes to life and, I suppose, more spiritual matters. I am told now, by many, that it is that I am what they call an 'old soul'. I've been through this cycle over and over and over again...I've gone through this cycle so many times now. Although I dont quite remember each of those times, I just know that I experienced them. So yes, I was once a 'younger soul' and now I'm not. And frankly, I have to say, I'm old and tired of going through all of this. I'm determined.. this will be the last time.. I will move on.I will go to the next level..hour, or whatever you want to call it. I wont be thrown back to try again. But knowing all of this, I have gained the knowledge through tarot of what part of me will send me back if I do not change it. That is fear. Fear will hold me back from all of the potential I have. When and if I get myself out of the firery boiling pot there will be a tiger right along beside me, and I will be as strong as ever. I will be able to unlock the vast amount of strength that is already in me. I just need to overcome that fear..and I'm already taking steps..So yes, in a way, I've finally found my religion. Yes, in a way, it is christian. But people do not know, and do not understand that christianity is not the same as it originally started out to be. And people blindly take the bible to be complete and literal. They do what sounds the easiest whether it is truth or not. You can't just be nice to people and expect to make it to "Heaven"...no no..there is much more to it. But I am so very very glad that I know now, I know what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I dont know exactly what my destiny is..what fate will bring, I just know what I have to do. There is proof of it all around us, we just choose not to see it..even when it is pointed out to us. But of course I cannot take all of the credit for finding myself..my father played the biggest role. Without him, this would never have happened...or at least, not in time. But there's so much to tell..but I just cant tell it here.I'm just so incredibly happy now that I know...I know what I'm supposed to be doing and where I belong and the truth. And the only reason why I have this now, why I have this happiness now, is for all of those people out there...I cannot even begin to name them all..but they all helped to get me here in someway. And so I'm thanking all of them now..thanking them because it is the best gift anyone could ever recieve.

Remember those days?

The dawn is breaking...A light shining through....You're barely waking......And I'm tangled up in you...Yeah, I'm open, you're closed....Where I follow, you'll go....I worry I won't see your face...Light up again....Even the best fall down sometimes....Even the wrong words seem to rhyme....Out of the doubt that fills my mind......I somehow find...You and I collide....I'm quiet you know...You make a first impression.....I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind....Even the best fall down sometimes....Even the stars refuse to shine....Out of the back you fall in time...I somehow find...You and I collide....Don't stop here....I lost my place...I'm close behind...Even the best fall down sometimes...Even the wrong words seem to ryhme...Out of the doubt that fills your mind...You finally find...You and I collide...You finally find....You and I collide...You finally find... You and I collide.... Remember those days?

Just One More Step

It scares me sometimes...this force inside me...I can feel it like a second layer beneath my skin...it clings just below the surface and it breathes with my pulse; racing though out my body in an endless loop...it charges me...it empowers me...it grants a sharpness and crispness to the night like no other living soul can fathom...I gain a smoothness; a fluidity to my whole body...i gain grace; i gain poise; i gain a strength and confidence beyond that of my fragile form...I know and see and understand the night around me...i can smell the life; i can see the heat; i can feel the warmth of their sheer aliveness of those around me...and then the need rises...the aching longing to feel complete with this second self...to meld the two into one perfect union....to feel the pleasure of the union; to feel the perfection of the union; to feel whole; sated; complete...but this solace does not come cheaply...it demands a price...it demands it's dues...and it will do whatever it must to fulfill it's need...it is my Beast; my Hunger...it is alive as I am alive and it is ruthless...a force of nature and therefore, in and of itself, not evil....but, being of nature, it knows nothing of morality...it knows nothing of "right" and "wrong" ...it only knows it's drive to feed; to sate it's need; to survive at all cost...and it is so very strong...it courses though you; violating your very veins whispering it's wants to you...it sings in your soul sweet promises of pleasure and power...it knows what you secretly long for and it teases you with these very things until you give in...until you can not postpone the next 'high' a moment longer..until you find your teeth clamped onto living flesh and in a second of sheer horror, you realize you have done it again; you have surrendered; you have brought pain and harm with your need and you have lost the never-ending battle one more time...but this is so fleeting...so washed away in the glory that is this surrender...you've wanted it for so long and you can no longer function as two separate entities, but mesh into one greedy instinct wearing flesh...
Another battle begins...the battle to regain control...to stop...to cease...to take enough to fill you, but not so much as to harm the donor...it is a fine and dangerous line...it becomes the war of instinct vs. value...you must remember who you are beyond this; what you believe; what you hold dear...that this life is not yours to do with as you want; that you are not immune to law and morals...that this is not an unfeeling creature; that this is not a disposable resource...this is a human life and it is precious and it is worthy of living...and so you must stop...you must break the spell and again take rise over the beast...
The last battle rages later...when you are filled with life...when the world is again new and perfect...when you are strong, alive, powerful...you battle your weakness...you battle yourself and that your need again has won...you battle the endless cycle of it all as you know this perfection will not last...it is fleeting and soon, you do it all again...you will die a thousand deaths this way and you will forever search for that completion you touch for a moment...but you will never hold it...it is an addiction more greedy and demanding than any drug; it is a pain and hurt a thousand times as sharp as any other; and it is forever yours to have; forever yours to fight in futile fits...in the end, it will always win...you are it's slave...and you can never break free...and it scares me sometimes...it can be such a force of hurt and a force of pain...it is strong and it always wins... I never talk of such things here..but this is my journal, as once again I must point out to myself that it is where everything inside me, and out, should be written. I cannot keep things inside me forever, if I don't bring them out myself, they will find their way out in a way I may not like, in a place I may not like, or to a person I may not want it to get to..at least, not directly. But I sometimes see it as an impossibility..nothing can come out of me and be put into words..but it is very much a possibility..it just takes time. And as I am learning, I will continue to show myself through appearance..art, music..the wordless magicks. People can choose to see it, or they can choose not to...if they try, but cannot, then it is not for them to see. Someone asked me once something to the effect of, How can you lead the horse to water if you know not from whence it learned to walk? Knowing this, I now try to allow myself to come out of the corner, to let myself be helped and freed. You can never receieve what you need, or want, without giving of yourself. I must admit though, I have my faults, I am not perfect, I am not always good, I am low sometimes, I dont always pick myself back up after I've fallen..but sometimes I just need a little help standing back up, a little push...I might've broken a leg that time and need some help getting up. I will try to give life my best..and get over those pains and sorrows sooner. Take it slow, one step at a time..just one step at a time..

Thievery Corporation

well..today's been interesting. I knew it'd be from the start...heck, I woke up and walked downstairs, asked tracy why the heck they turned the bathroom fan on, it kept me up. She looks at me...'oh..we were just having sex last night and thought a fan noise would be better to keep you up than..well..you know' Alrighty then..it'll be awkward everytime I here that fan now..oh jeez, their doing eachother again... A little too much information, might as well just give me your making-love schedule and I'll be sure to find somewhere else to stay so you can have the house to yourself. Deffinitely getting outta here for them on the 25th...their anniversary....Anyways, we had some people come over today..god, they brought a lot of alcohol, lol. So we turned on a little Thievery Corporation and passed the Margaritas around. mmm...no worries though, I only had a few sips, else I'd be lit and bouncing off the walls. Well...I dont have much else to say right now..just nothing I really want to share with the public at the moment. So this post has no point..but hey, that's okay.

couple of frappacinos

Hmm..well, today, I finally got out of the house today..by the time I got my dad up and ready it was already around 3 or 4pm...(he works the night shift and last night...it was kind of funny, everyone happened to call in sick and he was the only one left. Busy busy until around 2 or 3 am. I helped him with what I could..some of those people ask really stupid questions..Questions whose answers are 'if you look on the right hand side, there should be a long bar, if you click on it and drag it down, you can see what is on the bottom of the page.' waste of 20 min. explaining that concept to the man..he's supposed to be a professional, and how can he not know that..) Well.. I made him get in the shower, get dressed and get out of the house. So we stopped at a Quiznos and had a little conversation with Miss Anju Patel...assuming I spelled that right..And then saw the 3rd X-men, which was very good, might I add. I have to admit, I'm such a whimp, I did tear up on one part, lol. Let's see..then he had an 'epiphany' which led to getting me an outfit..(of course, I did pay 10dollars and he paid the last 3) in order for me to model for him. It's very strange...He first he got a female(me) to find a swim suit in less than ten minutes.. which is almost impossible, Not to mention it was a two peice, which I never wear..and never have..but he got me to buy somehow...And now, he got me to buy a pair of shorts...and I also, never wear shorts..lol..Anyways.. I don't believe I am a good model, he's just a good photographer. ;) But I think he was just looking for a good one to paint..as he does need some money..Painting isn't all about the money for him, I know that for a fact..but when we have none, then that's what it's gotta be. Anyways, to finish the night, although I don't know why he was doing this when he had basically no money, a couple of frappacinos...so it was a good day...

Belly-dancing Oranges

“ ‘Orange’ personalities are the creative adventurers in the color spectrum. They have an inner urge to be creative, active, and enjoying life to its fullest….The motivation in life of an ‘Orange’ is based on how much pleasure and satisfaction they get out of their own adventures, challenges and creative projects. They want to live out their own ideas…..Conquering and overcoming the obstacles of the impossible, either within their own mind or within physical reality, is primarily what they are seeking. They also need to convince others of their abilities in order to be in control of their own success…..Sometimes letting go for an ‘Orange’ means to loose control. Relaxation is the key for the balance of these physically or mentally active personalities……They love to discover their own limitations on all levels and then expand upon them…..’Orange’ personalities are the best analyzers and researchers. Theycan easily figure out the patterns, risks, and advantages involved in any project or situation. They also have the capacity to mentally tune into other people, giving them greater command in any situation….the ability to understand what is on the minds of others…..If an ‘Orange’ is not connected to their creative power, they may subconsciously try to control ad overpower others. And on occasion they might even find a manipulative way of achieving results….. ‘Oranges’, for the most part, believe that spirituality and religion are concepts, which need to be expressed in the physical world. In addition, they might have a physical perception of God, seeing that Source or Spirit manifest in nature and in our man made world. They believe in their God given gift to form and shape their own reality as well as the physical reality on planet earth….Their primary goal is to get in touch with their emotions, to bring their heart into their creations and to trust their intuition…..may prefer to live in their own world of adventure, thrill and excitement ….They don’t particularly care what others or society in general thniks about them. Nor do they take judgments personally. They simply want to do their own thing….I think it is important for ‘Oranges’ to find adequate and positive outlets of expression for their powerful aspirations…. ‘Oranges’ possess the capacity to clearly and effectively explain their ideas, and with plenty of fire and courage. Their lesson in life is to express their emotions and communicate through their inner feelings, otherwise they may feel insecure and remain unavailable with a sense of loneliness….while the ‘Greens’ love to talk about everything for hours, ‘Oranges’ need a lot of time to themselves……They do not desire luxury over the needed, and are willing to spend anything, and in some cases, everything they have to make their ideas true, or to prevent some thing they do not want. …They can create relationships that are ruled by sensitivity, understanding and emotional freedom.. To open their own heart is a wonder not to be missed......” well, I told you I’d come back. There are plenty more things I could say, but that should be enough. Anyways, today was an…okay day. I think I may try to find a job somewhere, I need the money! lol..there’s a Sonic down the road and around the corner, but I’m not sure if you have to have a roller-skating license for that..*wink* . A year or two ago, when I was down here, one of my dad’s ex-gf’s took me, on my request, to one of her classes with her. A belly dancing class….I know I know…. You did belly dancing?...yes..horrific, huh? But it doesn’t matter what I looked like, it matters if I had fun! :) anyways..the point is, I’m trying to contact her, because I ‘ve decided to try and take that up again. I need some dancing in my life again…no matter the kind. Not like I’ll go professional or anything, just while I’m here…Now, I just bought this new book and I wanna start reading it..

A Heartfelt cry

Now..I believe I said I'd write a little bit about my aura chakra results. Well, if I repeat myself, I apologize. What surprised me was how big it was..from my view, I cannot tell, but it was around 80 out of 100, which, as the lady I talked to explained, indicates a strong and powerful radiance, other people can feel my strong aura, and I use my charisma and power to reach dreams and goals. As I am sure I mentioned some where, my aura turned out the colors I expected. Red and orange...although, I hadn't expected to have violet coming in on the sides. It can change, but generally, this is what color it stays. (orange-red: artistic, physical-creative, excitement, will-power, energetic, sexual, productive, adventurer....etc). But the chakras are the ones that change all the time, depending on your stress levels or how tired you are, or whatever the circumstance. I was also very surprised to see how open they all were. All were open between 65 and 90%. I wont go too far into detail with what it all meant, but basically, everything is much 'higher'. Life energy and sensual qualities,productivity, emotional expression. My solar plexus was opened the widest, and..I guess means something to the effect of high creativity..intellectual and/or analytical thinking, playful qualities....which makes a lot of sense for that particular day. Other things that were high..were things like, being very heartfelt, radiant, loving and sensitive, strong expression of thought, and emotions, and high intuitive energy, strong artistic, spiritual, and intuitive qualities...*shrug*. "This chakra is located in the centre of your forehead and is often called the third eye. The sixth chakra represents your ability to see and really know truth. When this chakra is clear, positive energy can flow from it freely. Radiating positive energy from your sixth chakra indicates that you've cultivated higher wisdom concerning the important life lessons associated with this energy centre. You're apt to be accepting of the people and events in your life rather than pass judgment on them. You're also likely to have developed a higher level of intuition than most people have." But over all, they were all very balanced........Now back to the aura...It also showed me the balance between Yin and Yang in me. And really...this did not surprise me, both were so close together, there was no telling that it was anything but a thick line. And the more they are on top of each other, the more the male-female energies are in harmony. At the time, it also showed that I was very emotional and sensitive, and maybe a little too emotionally stressed...which makes sense too......and..back to the color thing...lets see... she gave me some things to help a little on interpreting this. According to this, the reds, oranges, and violets show (I'll just list what it has because everything I found was very accurate) ...active, powerful, energetic, strong will-power, sexual, passionate, relates to the physical body, confidence, creative power, productive and adventurous, courageous and relates to emotions, analytical thinker, creative, intelligent, scientific, detail oriented, Intuitive, sensitive, loyal, deep feelings, visual, relates to the third eye. Well..that's that. She also told me that the Yin side of my body has a higher energy level so she asked a few rhetorical questions like, "Are you experiencing physical ailments on your left side?" well...that was the day after I found that I had some unexplainable thing wrong with my left eye. And she asked a few more. She did the same thing after telling me that it shows my head aea has a higher vibration than the rest of my body. Asking...."do you generaly have a lot of do you have a lot on your mind at this particular time?" oh yes, very much on my mind, although I don't care to mention what it was here. " do you believe your thinking is seperate from your feelings?" "howcan you create a peace of mind within yourself?" Well, I have absolutely no idea. Now...for the individual meanings...and I apologize if I am boring any reader to death, but I find all of this quite fascinating and if you have made it this far, then it obviously isn't nearly that dull to you, and you ought to keep reading as it continues on to be as interesting as you thought the first half was, if not better *wink*... Since orange is a mixture or red and yellow, I assume that I would show some "yellow" qualities as well, which is more intellectual and clear focus. Well, orange is supposed to mean I have a strong personality (alright... if you say so), attractive to others (not too sure about that part) and have a warm and sympathetic heart. I noticed also some dark 'muddy' oranges that show I may be emotionally withdrawn for whatever reason. Orange is associated with the second chakra (the sexual chakra) ,with the reproduction organs, intestines, adrenals, spleen and kidneys...I'm not exactly sure why that is, or why you really needed to know that bit of pleasant information either...........well, this is very long already, but I'll keep going, nothing better to do at the moment. There is bright orange above my head and that is supposed to indicate an enthusiastic personality that is literally, bursting with ideas that encourage everyone around me. I'm driven by emotions and inner clarity, also willing to go the distance. But..that is where I also found the muddier orange color which would probably mean that there's some emotional confusion, and frustrated creativity..so to speak...with difficulties finishing projects, etc. leading to more anxiety.(yes, that's me)....A clear bight violet coming in from the left brings me 'spiritual healing powers'. I am a visionary, and understand things intuitively. The dark violet flowing in can mean nervousness , tension, or illness..also bringing a time of withdrawal to "initiate a search into the deep mysteries of life". (*nods*). Now, clear bright violet flowing into my aura from the right shows that I supposedly have a great spiritual insight and that my devotion has a healing effect on others. (very similar to the left side I guess) "Many can sense the power emanating from you. You have strong intuitive abilities, receiving impressions and visions, often without trying. Idealistic, visionary, with psychic abilities " this is what many people who do not know me well, said. There was also a muddy, darker violet there that should mean physically tierd, with maybe some trouble keeping my feet on the ground. I had been walking all that day and really was physically tired. But there are much more deeper reasons for this exhaustion. I will say a few more things and maybe come back later with the rest..because it is all just so awesome, with how very accurate it all is. Whether I want to admit these things or not. so..last, with bright orange in the heart area, it shows that I send energy to others that receive is as joy of life..."sunny, warm, and strong". I have the ability to make others feel comfortable when they are with me and this will assist me in gaining the recognitions and appreciation, that I do not seek-might I add-, for my efforts. The muddy area there, shows great unhappiness, fear, or emotionally based illness. Which may block in my self-expression and relationships might be strained. (which, if speaking of the depression I've had in the past, is very true). I think that that is enough for now, have some things I need to get done.

perfectionist

Been a little busy, so I haven't been able to post something everyday like I should be doing. Well...jeez, it's only Wednesday...lol. The days are going by very slowly. Anyways...not many exciting things that I'd like to mention here have happened lately. Last night, Nadia, my kitten, decided she'd sleep in bed with me, but I almost smothered the poor thing because she's so small. And of course,with her allergies, she sneezed all over me all night. Wonderful........Also, last night, I had the chance to actually have a decent conversation with Tracy, who I don't see much on week days. It was really deep and interesting, mostly about my dad, and also the blended family we have. It's interesting because of how difficult it is to blend so many personalities. My dad is a perfectionist, which is good and bad. Bad because, if he's working on a painting and something not perfect, he'll throw the whole thing out and start new. Bad because he's got 9 and 12 year olds now that he has no idea how to raise because he missed that raising part with me. But he is getting better on that, and is getting used to not living alone anymore. The good thing is, the house will stay clean and things will alway get done..etc. Anyways, my mind has gone blank and there's not much else to say.

Takes after Leonardo

Well, I don't know exactly what to talk about here since there's so much I need to get out, but I can't talk about all of them. I guess I'll go for the more recent. Well, yesterday night..my dad and I and Tracy went to dinner with my grandmother.... (who, might I add, had a one two many drinks the night before...but you cant blame her, from the state she's in). Of course...some how we got on the topic of government cover ups and Shamara, and other things...that I cannot possibly explain here itself, for one, that it is just too much to tell. So, we were there for a while since we got my father off on some tangent. Of course, I'm the only one interested..my grandmother, a little..and Tracy...rolling her eyes the whole time. I went with Dad and Tracy to see DVC again, and it brought more discussion on the drive home, but actually..not the normal discussion you'd have about that movie. Anyways, the point is, all night I'd keep catching little things he said, and having de ja vu, and flashbacks concerning things that my grandfather, on the Rickertsen side, had tole me. He used to live in this area, and he worked in Oak Ridge, the place where half of the fusion bomb was created. He worked with the government, doing heaven knows what. I remember him telling me once...a few things that he is actually 'not allowed' to tell. But he now is in Las Vegas...or rather Henderson, working with the Yucca mountain project..still doing heaven knows what. But I have to admit, I admire him very very much, I lived with him for the first two or three years after my parents divorced, and I just love him to death. He's a wonderful person and you can get into very good talks about books or movies, or sciences or religion, of course, he's all for the physics, which I cannot even begin to understand much of. Anyways, getting off topic. The Hebenstreit side...is pretty small...not much of us left, close to extinction, I suppose. But nevertheless, we've got an interesting history, I must admit. Although our history only goes so far before it comes to an abrupt stop only at my great grandfather who came from germany. There are hardly any records of him, or his life before America, or...his father, and other ancestors, which is quite sad. Anyways, we have many secrets, even among and against ourselves. I discovered this when my grandfather was on his supposed death bed and whispered the secrets to my father. Turns out, grandpa hasn't died. He got well, and the secrets stayed out. Whatever they were. I don't know much about him, other than he's a good man, and very loving, despite a few of his actions. Which can be understood when knowing his past. Knowing all of his past is virtually impossible, you only get a few glimpses. Anyway, I started thinking..of the odd things about me, the odd things about my father, and his father, and the whole family really and how we know nothing of before my great grandfather. As I said, I caught a few things my dad mentioned, and unfortunately, have bitten off more than I can chew. I'm very jumpy now and frightened..which is ridiculous, but I am. I looked through some of my dad's books, and some of his art, where I've found several things. Ironically, he's hiding messages in his paintings as well. But I wont bother to mention anything that I've found as it is completely unbelieveable, even to me. And yet, it still terrifies me..

goodbyes and the apocalypse

Well...I think I'm okay...better than when I last posted. Thanks to a lot of things/people. But I'm leaving tomorrow. I just went around seeing everyone I am going to miss. I was riding the bus home, with a friend, Christina. She'll be moving to Portland a week before I get back. Oh that was a really sad goodbye-forever. She was crying and I had told myself I'd be fine, but just 'cause she started to cry, I did. I think I mean a lot to her. I helped her through a lot of things, with her family, and otherwise. And have done the best I could to get her to feel better about herself. We'll keep in touch though. When I said bye to Jen, she started sobbing into my shoulder...I didn't know that I was loved so much. That I'd be missed that much. I know I've helped people, but I never knew that it meant that much. I hardly try to take the credit for anything I do, because the credit doesn't matter to me, you know? All night, until now, I've been packing the last few things, and I let Emily come and 'help'..but she ended up sitting on my bed coloring a picture for me that I'm "not allowed to see until I go on my trip". I went over to her, and decided to explain that I would be leaving for a very long time, I wont get to see her for a long while. So she asked if I missed her when she went to her first dance class that morning. "Yes, Em, I did." And I suddenly realized how much I'm going to miss her and I started to tear up. So she reached her little hand out and moved my hair out of my eyes and told me she'd miss me too, and that it will be okay. She doesn't understand exactly what 'missing' is, she's only four, but she knows that when someone cries, you say 'it'll be okay'.........I have been very excited for this, for sooo long, it seems, I've waited. And now that it's here...people decide, now's the time to tell me that I mean something..and suddenly I'm torn with whether I want to go or not. Of course I want to go...it makes much more sense, it's my family..my dad. He's missed most of my life and he deserves something, esp. on his birthday, the birthday I've never been there for. Besides, I'll be back soon enough......Anyways...an update on everything else...lemme quote a friend "Life's a bitch sometimes, but it's for a reason" True dat..it's hard, believe me, I know...but you learn things, and that's the point. It's all leading up to something in the end. I'm not so sure how much I believe in God, or all of those things they teach you in church. But I do know, that even though the book of mormon and the bible may tell us a lot about what this is all about..it also says, that there are many things yet to be revealed. We'll never know everything, at least not til' the 'end'...the 'apocalypse'..the 'millenium'. Whatever you want to call it. We can't even comprehend all of these things..We can hardly comprehend the expanse of the universe..so..I think I'll just wait patiently, and do what I'm told...or what I am told, as long as I feel it is right.

The illusion?

I think..I've decided..I really hate love. It's just an illusion. Maybe it is just how I'm feeling at this moment, and I'll discover otherwise later, but this is my blog, my journal, it's meant to have the feelings of the moment written in. I can't say that I won't ever love again, that I don't love right now..I just hate that I have to feel it. Life would be so much easier if I didn't care about people so damn much. I some times wonder who has the better life; the ones who care only about themselves and how to get your money, or the people who helplessly devote themselves to everyone but themselves.....I know that I'll love, I'll keep loving, it's inevitable. But I'm not sure how easy it will be for me to risk anything again. Then again...to contradict myself, I'll end up doing it again, because I know I can't live on my own any longer. You'd think with how much 'experience' I've had, it'd get easier, but it doesn't..it only makes you crave for it. Even if it is simply a hug, or a shoulder to cry on...or just someone...anyone... listening to you, as well as letting you know that you're needed. I guess..really...I don't hate love, I just hate a lot of things that, ironically, come with it. I really hate lies, pain..anything negative, yet I'm always caught in it. I guess this is just a healing process that I need to go through to learn to let go some times. To learn how to care, just a little bit, about myself. ...Anyway...I don't know what else to say now.