You know what I hate about my f---ing self? Its that I let everything either put me down or get to me. Everything! I wish I wouldn't, I just can't help it. It just happens. I can't contain myself. And since I don't open to people very often it just builds up and up and then one day, I let it out. But on myself. And that is never good. It comes out on me and I do really stupid things. Or at least try to. And then, it all gets sucked back into myself cause it has no where else to go, and it adds up again. Everything starts over. Except that the next time is always worse than the time before. And its not always within a long period of time that it builds up, maybe just within one day. Things will happen, and I'll do my best and follow habit, of not showing it, or showing that it bothers me. Then, I'll be alone, and only then will it come out on myself again. Its just a rotation, but a rotation that will eventually have an end, either a good one or a bad. Bad being I end up doing something really stupid.
I wish I could stop it. I just don't know how. And I hate it that I lose a lot of things, people because of it. I say, it wont happen again I swear. Then the pressure piles up again, and I lose it. Its fate, I can't stop it. But I wish people knew that I try really hard. I try with everything too, I don't just sit around complaining and feeling sorry for myself, I don't. I do a lot and I try a lot. I just…I don't know. I don't know what to do about it all. If it doesn't stop, I'll lose everything, everyone, I know it. I just don't know how to stop it.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Utterly annoying
Silly little dreams, eh? You know that the majority of them aren’t gonna happen considering, they almost all deal with actually going somewhere, which costs money. Anyways…
What I find utterly annoying is how some people treat other religions from their own. Well, I cant consider myself a very ‘good’ Mormon but I do live a lot like one and know what they are. But I hear so many rumors about Mormons. It’s funny how I only ever hear sickening gossip about Mormons and not other religions. Like…the way people seriously think we have horns and are satanic. Or that what Mormons do in their temples is grow tails and horns and become devilish worshipping Satan. I know what goes on in a mormon temple and it is nothing like that. It is wonderful actually. I don’t see how people can even think those things by looking at a temple. They always stand out because they are so clean and white and glowing. The reason they don’t just let the whole world in is because it is scared to them. And they want to stay clean in every way. Weddings, sealings, baptisms, and receiving endowments is what happen there. There is more that even I cant know about. Yes, there is somewhat…in a way…’dealings’ with the dead. But that’s not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing. I love to feel a response from them when you’ve finished what work they could not while on this earth. There is nothing satanic about that. It is always a thank you that they give. And I can feel appreciated..and needed. I want to be married there, sort of a childish thing to say, I know. But I wont lie. And if not that, then I WILL be sealed there, to my love for eternity. That’s a long time, I know too, hard to even comprehend. But that is what I like about it. Not those usual words of ‘til’ death do us part’. I couldn’t accept just that while knowing that there was more. Anyways, I’ll stop with the fantasies.
But It hurts too, when they judge..not even by religion, just by the way you look, or how much money you have, etc. I know someone..who…well, they were on a bus one day and a little boy fell or something and cracked his head open, so this friend of mine went to help, because that’s how he is, and the sister of the little boy shooed him away like he was some kind of dog, telling him to get away from the boy and not so nice names. So he worried for so long that he couldn’t help when the girl could hardly carry the bleeding boy, and he felt so guilty that he didn’t help anyways, but it wasn’t his fault was it? It was the way he looked. Well, I feel really bad about this too because things like this happen all the time to me. And it is not fun, to have to sit in the back of that bus and watch the little boy bleed and scream because the sister could not do anything more for him. It just hurts. One mutual, they showed a movie put together about the tsunami victims, it showed pictures, and things of the areas and the people, and the children esp. and I remember I cried so hard for them. And I sewed little school bags for them, with pencils and paper and crayons, and such. I know, it sounds so easy sometimes for me to admit that I’d cry for things like this. Maybe it shows I am weak. Or just sensitive. I don’t know. But I see no reason why any child should have to live like many of them do. Or any family, to go without food for days because no one has enough strength to give something up, whether they have much either. Whether it is time, or shelter or whatever. I just don’t see a reason for it. When people can have so much, can have mansions, and more money than they know what to do with, and they see these people, they know they are there..and they don’t care. I just don’t understand it. Too much money does something to most people. It gives them power, and they choose to use it in a way that helps no one, not even themselves.
I guess it is just the way people are and we can’t do anything about it. I just..I can’t help but want to do something. I’m sure most people think that this enthusiasm to help will pass with age..but I’ve had it my whole life, and I don’t think it ever will. It’s what I like to do, some people like to shop, or play sports, or whatever, and I like this. Even though I don’t even have enough to sustain myself.
Well, I’ll stop with that topic, I could go on with it forever.
Well, last night, there was a huge storm, the wind gets really bad here, but we don’t ever get tornados in this area, too many mountains. Probably thanks to the Tetons. But we were warned to stay indoors and away from windows..peoples windows were crashing in everywhere. But anyways, I’m not really sure why…but I’ve always loved rain and I’ve always loved thunderstorms, though not with so much wind. I just like rain. Its really strange I guess. I just can’t get enough. And here it is so dry, so brown, no green. Miles and miles of potato fields everywhere. That’s what makes me love Tennessee so much, it rains, and it is so so green. The forests are so thick and it looks like there’s broccoli all over the hills the way the forests are, lol. People don’t realize how brown and sad it is up here until they visit the south. And the accents of the people are just awesome, put just the right mood into it, lol. I used to have one, believe it or not, it was quite a strong one too. But its died now. Died into a little bit of an English now that I think of it. I mean, for example, if its hailing outside, I cant pronounce it any other way then ‘helling’, it’s a little weird. Hail is ‘hell’ and tail is ‘tell’ not without a bit of effort.
Anyways, I always seem to just ramble on and on. Lets see..
I guess not much else to say, or that I’d like to mention now.
What I find utterly annoying is how some people treat other religions from their own. Well, I cant consider myself a very ‘good’ Mormon but I do live a lot like one and know what they are. But I hear so many rumors about Mormons. It’s funny how I only ever hear sickening gossip about Mormons and not other religions. Like…the way people seriously think we have horns and are satanic. Or that what Mormons do in their temples is grow tails and horns and become devilish worshipping Satan. I know what goes on in a mormon temple and it is nothing like that. It is wonderful actually. I don’t see how people can even think those things by looking at a temple. They always stand out because they are so clean and white and glowing. The reason they don’t just let the whole world in is because it is scared to them. And they want to stay clean in every way. Weddings, sealings, baptisms, and receiving endowments is what happen there. There is more that even I cant know about. Yes, there is somewhat…in a way…’dealings’ with the dead. But that’s not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing. I love to feel a response from them when you’ve finished what work they could not while on this earth. There is nothing satanic about that. It is always a thank you that they give. And I can feel appreciated..and needed. I want to be married there, sort of a childish thing to say, I know. But I wont lie. And if not that, then I WILL be sealed there, to my love for eternity. That’s a long time, I know too, hard to even comprehend. But that is what I like about it. Not those usual words of ‘til’ death do us part’. I couldn’t accept just that while knowing that there was more. Anyways, I’ll stop with the fantasies.
But It hurts too, when they judge..not even by religion, just by the way you look, or how much money you have, etc. I know someone..who…well, they were on a bus one day and a little boy fell or something and cracked his head open, so this friend of mine went to help, because that’s how he is, and the sister of the little boy shooed him away like he was some kind of dog, telling him to get away from the boy and not so nice names. So he worried for so long that he couldn’t help when the girl could hardly carry the bleeding boy, and he felt so guilty that he didn’t help anyways, but it wasn’t his fault was it? It was the way he looked. Well, I feel really bad about this too because things like this happen all the time to me. And it is not fun, to have to sit in the back of that bus and watch the little boy bleed and scream because the sister could not do anything more for him. It just hurts. One mutual, they showed a movie put together about the tsunami victims, it showed pictures, and things of the areas and the people, and the children esp. and I remember I cried so hard for them. And I sewed little school bags for them, with pencils and paper and crayons, and such. I know, it sounds so easy sometimes for me to admit that I’d cry for things like this. Maybe it shows I am weak. Or just sensitive. I don’t know. But I see no reason why any child should have to live like many of them do. Or any family, to go without food for days because no one has enough strength to give something up, whether they have much either. Whether it is time, or shelter or whatever. I just don’t see a reason for it. When people can have so much, can have mansions, and more money than they know what to do with, and they see these people, they know they are there..and they don’t care. I just don’t understand it. Too much money does something to most people. It gives them power, and they choose to use it in a way that helps no one, not even themselves.
I guess it is just the way people are and we can’t do anything about it. I just..I can’t help but want to do something. I’m sure most people think that this enthusiasm to help will pass with age..but I’ve had it my whole life, and I don’t think it ever will. It’s what I like to do, some people like to shop, or play sports, or whatever, and I like this. Even though I don’t even have enough to sustain myself.
Well, I’ll stop with that topic, I could go on with it forever.
Well, last night, there was a huge storm, the wind gets really bad here, but we don’t ever get tornados in this area, too many mountains. Probably thanks to the Tetons. But we were warned to stay indoors and away from windows..peoples windows were crashing in everywhere. But anyways, I’m not really sure why…but I’ve always loved rain and I’ve always loved thunderstorms, though not with so much wind. I just like rain. Its really strange I guess. I just can’t get enough. And here it is so dry, so brown, no green. Miles and miles of potato fields everywhere. That’s what makes me love Tennessee so much, it rains, and it is so so green. The forests are so thick and it looks like there’s broccoli all over the hills the way the forests are, lol. People don’t realize how brown and sad it is up here until they visit the south. And the accents of the people are just awesome, put just the right mood into it, lol. I used to have one, believe it or not, it was quite a strong one too. But its died now. Died into a little bit of an English now that I think of it. I mean, for example, if its hailing outside, I cant pronounce it any other way then ‘helling’, it’s a little weird. Hail is ‘hell’ and tail is ‘tell’ not without a bit of effort.
Anyways, I always seem to just ramble on and on. Lets see..
I guess not much else to say, or that I’d like to mention now.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Hopes and Dreams
30 hopes and dreams
You never know…one day they might come true, but these are just what I can think of. What I want to do before I die. And that’s going to take quite a while if they’re ever going to be made real, take a lot of work too.
1-Go to New York City and see either Phantom of the Opera or Beauty and the Beast on Broadway.
2-Go to Alaska and see the Aurora Borealis.
3-Go to the Louvre Museum and see every piece there.
4-See a European Medieval castle.
5-Go to Dublin, Ireland, and everywhere around just to see the green hills.
6-Go to London and see the Cathedrals
7-Go to Rome and see everything including the Coliseum
8-At least see where the Vatican City is.
9-Go to Pompeii
10-Go to Paris and see the Eiffel Tower..climb all the way to the top to see the lights of the city at night.
11-Learn to speak German and go to Germany. ( attempt to find my ancestors)
12- Go to Russia and see St. Petersburg.
13- Play a part in a Phantom of the Opera play.
14-Learn at least one song in Latin.
15-Adopt at least one child from another country, maybe Asian or African.
16-Find an African refugee camp and do everything I can to help, and maybe not just in Africa, like, other countries too.
17-Go to China…and not just to see the wall…but the mountains and the people(had this since I was in 3rd grade) and visit Japan too.
18-Go to Scandinavia and see Viking remains.
19-At least see the Himalayas.
20-See the Taj Mahal.
21-Go to Egypt and see…everything!
22-Ride an elephant.
23-Go to the Amazon forest.
24-Learn to read Egyptian Hieroglyphs
25-Do a lot of photography along the way.
26- Get married and be a mother.
27-Make and entire CD but not necessarily letting go to the public.
28-Win a trophy of some kind. (It must mean that I’ve never before since its on the list, heartrending huh?)
29-Learn to speak at least three other languages to as full a possible, including any one form of Gaelic.
And…
30-Start and finish at least one book.
And just for good luck…
31-Be in two places at once.
You never know…one day they might come true, but these are just what I can think of. What I want to do before I die. And that’s going to take quite a while if they’re ever going to be made real, take a lot of work too.
1-Go to New York City and see either Phantom of the Opera or Beauty and the Beast on Broadway.
2-Go to Alaska and see the Aurora Borealis.
3-Go to the Louvre Museum and see every piece there.
4-See a European Medieval castle.
5-Go to Dublin, Ireland, and everywhere around just to see the green hills.
6-Go to London and see the Cathedrals
7-Go to Rome and see everything including the Coliseum
8-At least see where the Vatican City is.
9-Go to Pompeii
10-Go to Paris and see the Eiffel Tower..climb all the way to the top to see the lights of the city at night.
11-Learn to speak German and go to Germany. ( attempt to find my ancestors)
12- Go to Russia and see St. Petersburg.
13- Play a part in a Phantom of the Opera play.
14-Learn at least one song in Latin.
15-Adopt at least one child from another country, maybe Asian or African.
16-Find an African refugee camp and do everything I can to help, and maybe not just in Africa, like, other countries too.
17-Go to China…and not just to see the wall…but the mountains and the people(had this since I was in 3rd grade) and visit Japan too.
18-Go to Scandinavia and see Viking remains.
19-At least see the Himalayas.
20-See the Taj Mahal.
21-Go to Egypt and see…everything!
22-Ride an elephant.
23-Go to the Amazon forest.
24-Learn to read Egyptian Hieroglyphs
25-Do a lot of photography along the way.
26- Get married and be a mother.
27-Make and entire CD but not necessarily letting go to the public.
28-Win a trophy of some kind. (It must mean that I’ve never before since its on the list, heartrending huh?)
29-Learn to speak at least three other languages to as full a possible, including any one form of Gaelic.
And…
30-Start and finish at least one book.
And just for good luck…
31-Be in two places at once.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
not just sometimes...
march 22
I’ve had an interesting day..first I just want to say what is upsetting me right now..I know it must seem trivial now, but well, it involves my step dad. He had given Emily a few slices of an orange for dinner, so she was eating them, but it was hurting her every bite she took because her lips are chapped. But she would take another bite, I guess because she was hungry, you know. So then, my step dad hit her and took her downstairs because she whimpered with every bite. He took her down screaming and him yelling and cussing at her things she didn’t understand. But…it was I think the first time that my mom opposed it. I just heard her say his name in that one tone as he passed, but apparently he didn’t hear. He doesn’t ‘hear’ when he’s like that, which most often is. I don’t get it though, little things like that happen and he gets so mad and I don’t understand, he doesn’t drink or anything. There is no excuse…oh well, its life, I guess.
Anyways..I just wish he wouldn’t do that.
So today,I was in a general music class that I’m taking for about six weeks or so and well, there was a big test today, but turns out that someone stole the test. I don’t know, I didn’t think it was such a big deal, certainly not as big as Mr. French made it. But, wow, you have never seen that man mad. You think you have until someone pulls a prank like this. I mean, you never see him mad, he’s always one to joke around. But wow, you just don’t know what he’s going to do. And then, he’s starts accusing different students in that class. And that was getting no where. I mean,, he told one boy, Marcos, “I bet you want to beat the shit out of me” bla bla bla. And Marcos was like, um, well yea, but because I didn’t do it. We could hold that slip of the word ‘shit’ to a student against him, you know. But it was spur of the moment, he thought it would let everyone know that he was serious and someone would fess up. So, his way of solving the problem was entering a 0 for that test for every person in that class, and he made a point of saying that it was worth 147 points. Or, in other words about 80% of the grade, so no matter what, the highest grade you could come out of that class with is a D right now, until someone confesses. Which will never happen, considering none of them did it. Either he misplaced it or a student from another class tried to make a joke that went too far. I know that for a fact it is one of those two. But oh well. He may have cooled by tomorrow.
Anyways, so, during the hour that he was out of the classroom, doing heaven knows what to his ‘suspects’..I got to talking to a few people that I rarely talk to..considering I rarely talk to anyone, esp. in from that class anyways. But cindy and Marcos, both mexican, but I’ve known Cindy from another class, and Marcos, all too well from experiences of 3…almost four years ago. I knew that he has done some, not so good things. But I only was involved because of the kind of people I hung out with..dont get me wrong, they were good friends at the time…but anyways not the point, maybe I shouldn’t talk about this, because I don’t want to be known to only pity everyone…people look at that as if it is a bad thing, and sometimes I guess it can be. Anyways, they were just telling about some stories..etc. and I know that marcos has an arrest warrant to take care of in CA because he didn’t show up for court or something. But yes, he isn’t the best person in the world. I guess it was pity, I hate myself for that. I want to help him, but I guess I cant. Anyways, Cindy, was telling me about her dad, how he wont touch her because he knows what she’ll do, call the police.. etc. just, well I guess things to that extent…well, I don’t know the point of why I said all that… I just did.
So…I was watching this..documentary, about a guy who used to be a stand up comedian, but used his talents for teenagers, etc. anyways, yea, it was against my will too to watch it, but I don’t know now, whether it was a good thing or not. Maybe it just made me realize that I don’t know how to do it. It tells you that you can, but not how.
I realized just how much I hate myself. I wanted to cry right then, when he said that you should love yourself, and I had heard those words before. I wish I could, and I do…sometimes.. I wish I could always…but, I don’t know how. I know that I do it to myself. And I know that one way..one way is to go to a psychiatric hospital. But I don’t think I want to do that, because it would require me to talk. I don’t want to talk. not to them at least. I just hate myself for it, for what I do to myself, and for the fact that I bring myself down so much. I am so incredibly..stupid. I know that telling myself these things also gets me nowhere if not lower. But I cant stop..its what I’ve started to believe in. ..
I mean, I’ve got all the wonderful quotes, and things, and people, to look to. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know if this is selfish or not..but I must love myself enough to long to be happy becaue I do, I long to feel it. long. wish. hope. Desire maybe even that I just want it…happy as often as possible.. not just sometimes… I just…I wish I knew what was wrong. Why I cant stop hating myself.
Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. And the artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.
I’ve had an interesting day..first I just want to say what is upsetting me right now..I know it must seem trivial now, but well, it involves my step dad. He had given Emily a few slices of an orange for dinner, so she was eating them, but it was hurting her every bite she took because her lips are chapped. But she would take another bite, I guess because she was hungry, you know. So then, my step dad hit her and took her downstairs because she whimpered with every bite. He took her down screaming and him yelling and cussing at her things she didn’t understand. But…it was I think the first time that my mom opposed it. I just heard her say his name in that one tone as he passed, but apparently he didn’t hear. He doesn’t ‘hear’ when he’s like that, which most often is. I don’t get it though, little things like that happen and he gets so mad and I don’t understand, he doesn’t drink or anything. There is no excuse…oh well, its life, I guess.
Anyways..I just wish he wouldn’t do that.
So today,I was in a general music class that I’m taking for about six weeks or so and well, there was a big test today, but turns out that someone stole the test. I don’t know, I didn’t think it was such a big deal, certainly not as big as Mr. French made it. But, wow, you have never seen that man mad. You think you have until someone pulls a prank like this. I mean, you never see him mad, he’s always one to joke around. But wow, you just don’t know what he’s going to do. And then, he’s starts accusing different students in that class. And that was getting no where. I mean,, he told one boy, Marcos, “I bet you want to beat the shit out of me” bla bla bla. And Marcos was like, um, well yea, but because I didn’t do it. We could hold that slip of the word ‘shit’ to a student against him, you know. But it was spur of the moment, he thought it would let everyone know that he was serious and someone would fess up. So, his way of solving the problem was entering a 0 for that test for every person in that class, and he made a point of saying that it was worth 147 points. Or, in other words about 80% of the grade, so no matter what, the highest grade you could come out of that class with is a D right now, until someone confesses. Which will never happen, considering none of them did it. Either he misplaced it or a student from another class tried to make a joke that went too far. I know that for a fact it is one of those two. But oh well. He may have cooled by tomorrow.
Anyways, so, during the hour that he was out of the classroom, doing heaven knows what to his ‘suspects’..I got to talking to a few people that I rarely talk to..considering I rarely talk to anyone, esp. in from that class anyways. But cindy and Marcos, both mexican, but I’ve known Cindy from another class, and Marcos, all too well from experiences of 3…almost four years ago. I knew that he has done some, not so good things. But I only was involved because of the kind of people I hung out with..dont get me wrong, they were good friends at the time…but anyways not the point, maybe I shouldn’t talk about this, because I don’t want to be known to only pity everyone…people look at that as if it is a bad thing, and sometimes I guess it can be. Anyways, they were just telling about some stories..etc. and I know that marcos has an arrest warrant to take care of in CA because he didn’t show up for court or something. But yes, he isn’t the best person in the world. I guess it was pity, I hate myself for that. I want to help him, but I guess I cant. Anyways, Cindy, was telling me about her dad, how he wont touch her because he knows what she’ll do, call the police.. etc. just, well I guess things to that extent…well, I don’t know the point of why I said all that… I just did.
So…I was watching this..documentary, about a guy who used to be a stand up comedian, but used his talents for teenagers, etc. anyways, yea, it was against my will too to watch it, but I don’t know now, whether it was a good thing or not. Maybe it just made me realize that I don’t know how to do it. It tells you that you can, but not how.
I realized just how much I hate myself. I wanted to cry right then, when he said that you should love yourself, and I had heard those words before. I wish I could, and I do…sometimes.. I wish I could always…but, I don’t know how. I know that I do it to myself. And I know that one way..one way is to go to a psychiatric hospital. But I don’t think I want to do that, because it would require me to talk. I don’t want to talk. not to them at least. I just hate myself for it, for what I do to myself, and for the fact that I bring myself down so much. I am so incredibly..stupid. I know that telling myself these things also gets me nowhere if not lower. But I cant stop..its what I’ve started to believe in. ..
I mean, I’ve got all the wonderful quotes, and things, and people, to look to. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know if this is selfish or not..but I must love myself enough to long to be happy becaue I do, I long to feel it. long. wish. hope. Desire maybe even that I just want it…happy as often as possible.. not just sometimes… I just…I wish I knew what was wrong. Why I cant stop hating myself.
Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. And the artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Trial and error
Well, todays gone good, because it started out well around 8ish this morning...hmm
anyways, now its not so good, I've got news that Ethan's mom now has cancer, he'll probably be moving to Seattle, but thats good for him, a lot more oppotunities for his music.
I've got a fricking 20 page math assignment, dont we all just love Trial and error?
So..well...snow is still out there.
*
*
*
*
Well, that was short, I have to go..people are mad at me at the moment.
anyways, now its not so good, I've got news that Ethan's mom now has cancer, he'll probably be moving to Seattle, but thats good for him, a lot more oppotunities for his music.
I've got a fricking 20 page math assignment, dont we all just love Trial and error?
So..well...snow is still out there.
*
*
*
*
Well, that was short, I have to go..people are mad at me at the moment.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
‘tis a beautiful thing
Well, that was a good little change, interesting, dunno how I came up with a three part blog like that, but hey, I spent some time on it….four blogs in two days, just about. Technically only two though.
Anyways, Its sooo cold!! Just when I get excited for spring, it dump five more inches on us..I mean, it is pretty to look at, when on the trees, etc…but, its just so cold, and everything is so dull now, there isn’t enough to do anything. Not that I would, but even still..it’d be nice to go on a walk without freezing to death.
So, the other day I went saw the newest remake of king kong, it was always a cheesy movie, but this was really good actually. Though, three hours long, it was pretty good. And yes, I know, just a love story, but it reminds me of myself a lot. *shrug* Well, I liked it, sometimes a good long movie is better because after three hours you’ve grown so attached to each character, and so when one dies, it means more, you know? That’s why books are usually better, and besides the fact that a book lets you decide for yourself, exactly what each character will look like and the surroundings. Anyways…well, it went well, only one strange thing happened, what a record! Of course, I wasn’t the only one who heard it, so that was a change.
Anyways, after the movie, I was out waiting for a ride, and I saw the clouds parted in a place and you could see the light of the moon behind them. I thought it was beautiful in itself. But later, the moon peeked out, and it was even more beautiful. I know, I’m strange, but its almost a good as a sunrise/set. But, it was big and round and had a tint of yellow to it, with a few rings of color surrounding it. You know what that means, trouble on the way. Well, Amalia thought it was a little creepy, I thought it was wonderful. And you could see stars here and there, and Orion.
Evan was in a quartet today, They were perfect, they sounded so good! Their voices melted together just right, and yet you could still hear each individual voice. He was the youngest in the group and yet he was the bass. Funny how that works out. Whenever I do sing, I am always an alto, though, I can be soprano, just with a little more effort.
Well, I just realized something , I’m leaving the third of June, right, to be there for dad’s birthday, go to some Egyptian museum in Nashville I think..something special is going to be there, I just don’t know what, anyways…so I leave the third, and Evan leaves on the 26th! Wow…..I don’t know what I’m going to do..or what its going to be like. That’s two days over three weeks, I have absolutely never been away from him for so long. We are always together…I don’t know what I’m gonna do, well, first I’ve got to make sure I’m getting to the right gates on the flight changes on my way to Tennessee…lol. But not the point…I suppose its good practice, I’m going to have to leave him sometime, and only a couple years til he’s off on his mission, that’ll be two years right there! Two! And he’ll have changed so much when he comes home from that, for the better of course, its always for the better. I’ll sob that day he leaves, but only half because I’ll miss him and the other because I’m so happy he made it that far, assuming he does. I mean, he will, I know he will. He’s too close to perfect not to. I know he’s gonna get annoyed with me writin every day, lol.
Anyways, I’ve got to be going now, til’ then!
Anyways, Its sooo cold!! Just when I get excited for spring, it dump five more inches on us..I mean, it is pretty to look at, when on the trees, etc…but, its just so cold, and everything is so dull now, there isn’t enough to do anything. Not that I would, but even still..it’d be nice to go on a walk without freezing to death.
So, the other day I went saw the newest remake of king kong, it was always a cheesy movie, but this was really good actually. Though, three hours long, it was pretty good. And yes, I know, just a love story, but it reminds me of myself a lot. *shrug* Well, I liked it, sometimes a good long movie is better because after three hours you’ve grown so attached to each character, and so when one dies, it means more, you know? That’s why books are usually better, and besides the fact that a book lets you decide for yourself, exactly what each character will look like and the surroundings. Anyways…well, it went well, only one strange thing happened, what a record! Of course, I wasn’t the only one who heard it, so that was a change.
Anyways, after the movie, I was out waiting for a ride, and I saw the clouds parted in a place and you could see the light of the moon behind them. I thought it was beautiful in itself. But later, the moon peeked out, and it was even more beautiful. I know, I’m strange, but its almost a good as a sunrise/set. But, it was big and round and had a tint of yellow to it, with a few rings of color surrounding it. You know what that means, trouble on the way. Well, Amalia thought it was a little creepy, I thought it was wonderful. And you could see stars here and there, and Orion.
Evan was in a quartet today, They were perfect, they sounded so good! Their voices melted together just right, and yet you could still hear each individual voice. He was the youngest in the group and yet he was the bass. Funny how that works out. Whenever I do sing, I am always an alto, though, I can be soprano, just with a little more effort.
Well, I just realized something , I’m leaving the third of June, right, to be there for dad’s birthday, go to some Egyptian museum in Nashville I think..something special is going to be there, I just don’t know what, anyways…so I leave the third, and Evan leaves on the 26th! Wow…..I don’t know what I’m going to do..or what its going to be like. That’s two days over three weeks, I have absolutely never been away from him for so long. We are always together…I don’t know what I’m gonna do, well, first I’ve got to make sure I’m getting to the right gates on the flight changes on my way to Tennessee…lol. But not the point…I suppose its good practice, I’m going to have to leave him sometime, and only a couple years til he’s off on his mission, that’ll be two years right there! Two! And he’ll have changed so much when he comes home from that, for the better of course, its always for the better. I’ll sob that day he leaves, but only half because I’ll miss him and the other because I’m so happy he made it that far, assuming he does. I mean, he will, I know he will. He’s too close to perfect not to. I know he’s gonna get annoyed with me writin every day, lol.
Anyways, I’ve got to be going now, til’ then!
MeMoRiEs- part three
and part three...MeMoRiEs the final ...
Feb. 2nd o6
‘…A Quick overview…turns out those emails were from kaje… she hasn’t talked to me since they found out, the police were involved and everything, I feel so guilty, maybe I shouldn’t but I do. Garrett’s no longer allowed near me..I really don’t understand this…what is so wrong with me. Ethan…I think is a lying fag. And I still consider him a friend…long story. And Rohit wants me to do a spell to possess him, errg…anyways that’s it in a nutshell, oh, and I cut myself in tech today, at least my entire finger didn’t come off, that’s a plus….sable…’
Feb 6th o6
‘…Anyways, I’m kinda upset. It’s a small matter, I know, but its always adding up. The 11th last straw, eh? So of course, mom makes it even worse, always. (I remember she used to….) She got everyone excited and said “I’ve got something to tell you all. ( wow, she’s actually talking! No, actually, she didn’t quite say it like that) So, ‘Pa’ has decided he would make a deal with you, that he will start a bank account for you personally for college. And every dollar that you put in, he’ll add two.” Wow, that’s great, eh?!
Oh yea, except for you and evan. You’ll have to find some other way, good luck with that!....’
‘…I mean, I have tried and tried to earn ‘Pa and grammi’s’ love, or, heck, attention. Even let the m acknowledge my existence. I did everything they told me w/hope that they would start to care. Grammi wanted Silhouette drawings, I drew some, spent a lot of time on them and even gave them to her in person. She took them, and has sold them. They are the richest people you’ll meet, I mean, they own a farm with over a hundred acres, they have a house in Washington, one in Arizona, a beach house, and huge motor home, how much more money do they need, they’re always decked out in jewelry, etc. and she sells them…she sells them. I did what she asked so that she’d maybe…I dunno, I hate my hopes, they never work out anyways, stupid. I’m so stupid. Damn the hopes and dreams….’
‘…and you know, just the way mom and (step)dad treat me…esp. greg. I hate him, both of them so much and I always fall for their damn traps.
It’s the stupid usual. Treat me like the animal I am I guess. Makes sense, I am just as horrible as any animal anyways, right? I hate them. He doesn’t even get it, and when he does, its wrong. I give him a sad look hoping he’ll figure out that I’m sad, but no, he yells around the house that “don’t give me that attitude!” what attitude?? I’m sad, depressed, I’m trying to kill myself. Not be lazy..I’m tryin to be…I dunno.
“You’re so damned lazy!” “Oh, you’re too damn busy to get off your damn ass and take care of your sister.” He says..I RAISE Emily! She’s your child! All you ever do is the yelling and the punishing of a child who doesn’t know better. A child who hardly knows right from wrong because her own father…parents, wont teach it to her, only yell at her for not knowing it. She’s what? 4? Do you really want her memories to be like that? Do you know why she throws tantrums a lot? Because she wants your attention, no matter, even if its just yelling and hitting. Because she doesn’t know her parents, they are simply two people that yell at her on a daily basis. You can yell at me , you can spank and hit me, you can threaten me…do whatever you want with me, after all, I’m used to it. But not your 4 year old daughter, please, not her, if anything, do what you to her, to me instead.
Yea, I’m a coward, hunker down in my room and cry. And for more reason than you’d think.
Then you get mad at me for rarely coming out. Ever wonder why? Obviously not, but so you know, about 50 % of the reasons are you.
No, I am not jealous about the money thing. Not jealous at all. I’m happy for them, that they can follow their dreams, but if its okay, I’ll be just a little worried for myself, if that’s not too selfish?....’
Date unknown- Bhagavad
‘…“I got this today,” they say, “tomarrow I shall get that. This wealth is mine, and that will be mine too. I have destroyed my enemies. I shall destroy other too! Am I not like God? I enjoy what I want. I am successful. I am powerful. I am happy. I am rich and well-born Who is equal to me? I will perform sacrifices and give gifts, and rejoice in my own generosity” This is how they go on, deluded by ignorance, whirled about by a fragmented mind, they fall into a dark hell. Self-important, obstinate, swept away by the pride of wealth, they ostentatiously perform sacrifices without any regard for their purpose. Egotistical, violent, arrogant, lustful, angry, envious of everyone, they abuse my presence within their own bodies and in the bodies of others…”’
‘…By my good man David A. Bednar, gone now to higher places, from college leader to a position in the Quorum of the Twelve. “ With faith…we must walk to the edge of the light and into the darkness. As we so walk I testify and promise that the light will move. When I was your age and wondering some of the exact same things that you are now wondering, I never would have imagined that’s someday we would be at Ricks College as we are…I know the light moves as we walk in faith to the edge of the light.”…’
March 15th o6
‘…I don’t know what is wrong with me, I’m slipping down again, and I was so determined not to.
I am trying desperately hard at the moment not to just burst out sobbing. I hate them, I hate them so much, all of them…maybe not, but close…but most, again. I wish I had control over myself…but most times, it seems like I cant, or don’t. I thought I was there…finally. There, up with everyone else, ready to be able to be proud. I always think that, always always always..why?? I should stop doing that to myself. Just adds one more pain, I must stop shoving those thought in…they are lies, what am I thinking? I will never ever be back. I will never be nearly as high as I wish. I will never be good enough. Never. Anger comes out of nothing and all I can do is wait and feel it as it evolves into sadness or depression, as it has now. I cannot take this! And I bring it on myself!I bring it on myself, that is why I said I hate myself, for what I do, for what I do to myself, and for my mind too. I am an idiot, a jerk, anything else you can think of that is bad..I am it.
I know that deep, I still have too much human nature ( fear of death) to do ‘it’ myself. That is why it never worked, will never work. So, I’ll wait til it happens on its own..if only I knew…if only I knew what was so wrong with me. If only they knew, someone, what I need, even I do not know. I don’t know what to do…I don’t..hell, I am such a fucking idiot.
This happens every time …I refuse to mention though. Afraid to mention, afraid to admit that the only…thing keeping me up is him. Otherwise, without him, I am gone….’
“Sometimes I think that I’m not good at all, and sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all. But then you assure me, I’m a little more than useless, when I think that I cant do this, you promise me that I’ll get through this, and do something right, do something right for once.”
Feb. 2nd o6
‘…A Quick overview…turns out those emails were from kaje… she hasn’t talked to me since they found out, the police were involved and everything, I feel so guilty, maybe I shouldn’t but I do. Garrett’s no longer allowed near me..I really don’t understand this…what is so wrong with me. Ethan…I think is a lying fag. And I still consider him a friend…long story. And Rohit wants me to do a spell to possess him, errg…anyways that’s it in a nutshell, oh, and I cut myself in tech today, at least my entire finger didn’t come off, that’s a plus….sable…’
Feb 6th o6
‘…Anyways, I’m kinda upset. It’s a small matter, I know, but its always adding up. The 11th last straw, eh? So of course, mom makes it even worse, always. (I remember she used to….) She got everyone excited and said “I’ve got something to tell you all. ( wow, she’s actually talking! No, actually, she didn’t quite say it like that) So, ‘Pa’ has decided he would make a deal with you, that he will start a bank account for you personally for college. And every dollar that you put in, he’ll add two.” Wow, that’s great, eh?!
Oh yea, except for you and evan. You’ll have to find some other way, good luck with that!....’
‘…I mean, I have tried and tried to earn ‘Pa and grammi’s’ love, or, heck, attention. Even let the m acknowledge my existence. I did everything they told me w/hope that they would start to care. Grammi wanted Silhouette drawings, I drew some, spent a lot of time on them and even gave them to her in person. She took them, and has sold them. They are the richest people you’ll meet, I mean, they own a farm with over a hundred acres, they have a house in Washington, one in Arizona, a beach house, and huge motor home, how much more money do they need, they’re always decked out in jewelry, etc. and she sells them…she sells them. I did what she asked so that she’d maybe…I dunno, I hate my hopes, they never work out anyways, stupid. I’m so stupid. Damn the hopes and dreams….’
‘…and you know, just the way mom and (step)dad treat me…esp. greg. I hate him, both of them so much and I always fall for their damn traps.
It’s the stupid usual. Treat me like the animal I am I guess. Makes sense, I am just as horrible as any animal anyways, right? I hate them. He doesn’t even get it, and when he does, its wrong. I give him a sad look hoping he’ll figure out that I’m sad, but no, he yells around the house that “don’t give me that attitude!” what attitude?? I’m sad, depressed, I’m trying to kill myself. Not be lazy..I’m tryin to be…I dunno.
“You’re so damned lazy!” “Oh, you’re too damn busy to get off your damn ass and take care of your sister.” He says..I RAISE Emily! She’s your child! All you ever do is the yelling and the punishing of a child who doesn’t know better. A child who hardly knows right from wrong because her own father…parents, wont teach it to her, only yell at her for not knowing it. She’s what? 4? Do you really want her memories to be like that? Do you know why she throws tantrums a lot? Because she wants your attention, no matter, even if its just yelling and hitting. Because she doesn’t know her parents, they are simply two people that yell at her on a daily basis. You can yell at me , you can spank and hit me, you can threaten me…do whatever you want with me, after all, I’m used to it. But not your 4 year old daughter, please, not her, if anything, do what you to her, to me instead.
Yea, I’m a coward, hunker down in my room and cry. And for more reason than you’d think.
Then you get mad at me for rarely coming out. Ever wonder why? Obviously not, but so you know, about 50 % of the reasons are you.
No, I am not jealous about the money thing. Not jealous at all. I’m happy for them, that they can follow their dreams, but if its okay, I’ll be just a little worried for myself, if that’s not too selfish?....’
Date unknown- Bhagavad
‘…“I got this today,” they say, “tomarrow I shall get that. This wealth is mine, and that will be mine too. I have destroyed my enemies. I shall destroy other too! Am I not like God? I enjoy what I want. I am successful. I am powerful. I am happy. I am rich and well-born Who is equal to me? I will perform sacrifices and give gifts, and rejoice in my own generosity” This is how they go on, deluded by ignorance, whirled about by a fragmented mind, they fall into a dark hell. Self-important, obstinate, swept away by the pride of wealth, they ostentatiously perform sacrifices without any regard for their purpose. Egotistical, violent, arrogant, lustful, angry, envious of everyone, they abuse my presence within their own bodies and in the bodies of others…”’
‘…By my good man David A. Bednar, gone now to higher places, from college leader to a position in the Quorum of the Twelve. “ With faith…we must walk to the edge of the light and into the darkness. As we so walk I testify and promise that the light will move. When I was your age and wondering some of the exact same things that you are now wondering, I never would have imagined that’s someday we would be at Ricks College as we are…I know the light moves as we walk in faith to the edge of the light.”…’
March 15th o6
‘…I don’t know what is wrong with me, I’m slipping down again, and I was so determined not to.
I am trying desperately hard at the moment not to just burst out sobbing. I hate them, I hate them so much, all of them…maybe not, but close…but most, again. I wish I had control over myself…but most times, it seems like I cant, or don’t. I thought I was there…finally. There, up with everyone else, ready to be able to be proud. I always think that, always always always..why?? I should stop doing that to myself. Just adds one more pain, I must stop shoving those thought in…they are lies, what am I thinking? I will never ever be back. I will never be nearly as high as I wish. I will never be good enough. Never. Anger comes out of nothing and all I can do is wait and feel it as it evolves into sadness or depression, as it has now. I cannot take this! And I bring it on myself!I bring it on myself, that is why I said I hate myself, for what I do, for what I do to myself, and for my mind too. I am an idiot, a jerk, anything else you can think of that is bad..I am it.
I know that deep, I still have too much human nature ( fear of death) to do ‘it’ myself. That is why it never worked, will never work. So, I’ll wait til it happens on its own..if only I knew…if only I knew what was so wrong with me. If only they knew, someone, what I need, even I do not know. I don’t know what to do…I don’t..hell, I am such a fucking idiot.
This happens every time …I refuse to mention though. Afraid to mention, afraid to admit that the only…thing keeping me up is him. Otherwise, without him, I am gone….’
“Sometimes I think that I’m not good at all, and sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all. But then you assure me, I’m a little more than useless, when I think that I cant do this, you promise me that I’ll get through this, and do something right, do something right for once.”
MeMoRiEs-part two
Here comes part two..MeMoRiEs cont...
Oct. 27th o5
' I feel now, as though these terrible things are soon to come to an end, that soon things will,for the most part, become as they were before. And yet, I know that it is only the beginning. Merely a preview of what is to come. Which I dread greatly, I can only wish that going through this passed year has prepared me enough for the much worse trials and problems that I'm going to have to endure…A lot of strange things are/have been happening lately. And it takes me along time before I realize the "might be" why. It takes me longer and longer to realize and be able to distinguish between myself and…well….'
'I feel guilt stricken, though I am not exactly sure what for. In my mind, I lay, sobbing with my head on the floor. I am sure there are many reasons I feel guilty, many reasons I blame myself for so many things. But I am in so much confusion, as I always am, constantly. My mind is that swirl of colors as it always has been, except now, I am having trouble understanding them myself. I cant catch one thought and convert to understandable words anymore. Or at least it is very hard. This "swirl of colors" is now accompanied by more, like black though, like fire, consuming and surrounding and suffocating my original. Merging with my own thoughts. I don't know if any of this is making sense as it comes out, but I am letting my hand write, letting it take charge, and this is what has come out……I used to be able to find any thought or memory, pluck it out of the "colors" and make sense of it, then find words to describe it. It used to be so easy. But now I can hardly find any anymore….It feels as though a "blackness" or some snake of smoke like thing moves in me, in and around organs and bones and thoughts and emotions, swirls and wanders around them as if it has a mind of its own….I remember that day, about a week or so ago actually, that I really felt it strong. I remember I felt as though it surrounded my heart, suffocating it and then piercing straight into it. You don't know the unbearable pain….'
Oct. 28th o5
Well we are back from the concert, it was very good..but more of that later. It is by pure chance that I'm actually writing anything at all right now. I have the worst feeling right now. I can barely sit up straight. It is not that I am tierd…I cant really explain. Strange enough, my little secret (one of them at least), I wish so much to have someone here that knows and understands it and cares. Someone who loves me and cares and notices when something is terribly wrong. Who's there to hold e when I need comforting. I wont say who I wish this was right now, because at this point, I have to accept that it cannot be, so my second is anyone else who could fit that description, as long as there is someone. Because sometimes, well, most times, I actually secretly don't like this "loner" thing that I've got. And I know I don't like being alone. I feel and am alone……But I don't like being left alone with it. It's like being left behind in the dark of a maze that it is so dark you are even unable to see the walls of it, where you know there is something in the dark with you but you cant see or hear it, but you can feel it there, and you aren't sure whether its friendly or not….'
Oct. 30th o5
' "Hiemmelhoch jauchenzend und zum Tode betrubt"'
'…I have done nothing that I can remember for two weeks and the only reason I can say this now is because a subject evan brought up…love…? I had forgotten it..and its all slowly coming back to me…my first real love..I will talk to him today. I don't know if I really can love anymore. But I know that I did, e ven at this age, yes. I wonder if I still love though, him, or anyone else. But I remember, I was really truly, almost madly with him. I don't know, maybe I still am. I cannot tell anymore, I wonder if I would recognize it if I ever felt it again. I know that it would hurt him to hear me say this. I know that much, that it hurts when they hear something like this…but..its true, I don't know, I'm lost and confused and tangled right now. I don't think I am even fully myself. It is back and forth, and only for short moments that I can realize this…'
Nov. 5th o5
'…you know? I've realized that all of this, all of my…misfortune…it is all my own fault. I brought it upon myself. I started out looking for someone to blame, looking for a scapegoat. And my conclusion: myself. It is all my fault, everything. It is my fault that I…'
Nov. 8th o5
'…I'll see if I can write…I wonder if there was a way to speak with the legion…I wonder if it has a name…I just had a strange moment. More like 10 or 15 minutes. I was sitting there, legs dangling…I had my pen for two reasons. One, because I had planned to write…..but anyways, I just wanted to jump and fall, feel the few minutes of falling. I remember the pen no longer in my hand neither the paper on my lap. Then I remember the collision with the floor. Sitting there not moving, hardly breathing, staring, hurting, surrounded by the papers. Suddenly being in the bathroom against the wall willing it to speak to me. Willing it to say what it wants. Speak to me…what do you want what do you want what do you want…I think I got a response but I don't know. I think so, what do you want, I want ----- and that is my secret to tell whom I wish. I'm very confused and disoriented now, cant focus really. Very very confused, I don't understand…'
Date around Yule time,- convo
‘…
~ThO I tRy 2 Talk Sense InTo MYseLf, But I JUsT Wont LisTEN- see, that’s why I don’t want you to care so much, anyone! That’s why I don’t want anyone to know! Cause they’ll be hurt…they WILL, you WILL! And I cant do anything after that.
~I woke up today, and it wasn’t with u, I guess I left ur heart, maybe I can get back around- jules..if that’s the case…hurt me
~I woke up…- HURT ME BAD
~I woke up- HURT ME TO DEATH
~I woke up- I WANT YOU TO HURT ME
~I woke up- not me to hurt me, but you…I want you to talk.
~ThO I tRy- no
~I woke up- not me to stab me everytime im around you and didn’t do anything about it
~ThO I tRy- no
~ I woke up- NO STOP JULES
~ I woke up- Im talking right now
~ThO- I wont hurt you
~I woke- JULIE, LISTEN
~I woke- if you don’t hurt me, ill hurt myself..back to root one, and death will come within the hour, cuz I will hurt myself.
~ThO- oh great, put my on a guilt trip!
~I woke- no
~ThO- I have no choice then?
~I woke- shut up jules
~I woke- sorry, but now its me talking.
~ThO- I either hurt you, or you…
~I woke- die
~I woke- die for pain that YOU wont live the life you gave me, that I don’t deserve
~ThO- no no no, YOU deserve everything. Anything…I deserve nothing, okay?
~ThO- do you understand???
~I woke- SHUT UP JULIE….SHUT UP
~I woke- u do dagnabit…u do
~I woke- or else, would I have just said all of that…for heck’s sake no.
~ ThO- you don’t understand though, you don’t know why I gave you it, do you?
Christmas/New Years time- I’ve learned
‘…I’ve learned that most of the things I worry about never happen. I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. I’ve learned that every great achievement was once considered impossible. I’ve learned that the more creative you are, the more things you notice. I’ve learned that its hard to argue w/someone when they’re right. I’ve learned that anticipation is often better than the real thing. I’ve learned that if love isn’t taught in the home it’s difficult to learn anywhere else.
Your mind can only hold one that at a time. Make it a positive or constructive one. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have left. Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation…’
Oct. 27th o5
' I feel now, as though these terrible things are soon to come to an end, that soon things will,for the most part, become as they were before. And yet, I know that it is only the beginning. Merely a preview of what is to come. Which I dread greatly, I can only wish that going through this passed year has prepared me enough for the much worse trials and problems that I'm going to have to endure…A lot of strange things are/have been happening lately. And it takes me along time before I realize the "might be" why. It takes me longer and longer to realize and be able to distinguish between myself and…well….'
'I feel guilt stricken, though I am not exactly sure what for. In my mind, I lay, sobbing with my head on the floor. I am sure there are many reasons I feel guilty, many reasons I blame myself for so many things. But I am in so much confusion, as I always am, constantly. My mind is that swirl of colors as it always has been, except now, I am having trouble understanding them myself. I cant catch one thought and convert to understandable words anymore. Or at least it is very hard. This "swirl of colors" is now accompanied by more, like black though, like fire, consuming and surrounding and suffocating my original. Merging with my own thoughts. I don't know if any of this is making sense as it comes out, but I am letting my hand write, letting it take charge, and this is what has come out……I used to be able to find any thought or memory, pluck it out of the "colors" and make sense of it, then find words to describe it. It used to be so easy. But now I can hardly find any anymore….It feels as though a "blackness" or some snake of smoke like thing moves in me, in and around organs and bones and thoughts and emotions, swirls and wanders around them as if it has a mind of its own….I remember that day, about a week or so ago actually, that I really felt it strong. I remember I felt as though it surrounded my heart, suffocating it and then piercing straight into it. You don't know the unbearable pain….'
Oct. 28th o5
Well we are back from the concert, it was very good..but more of that later. It is by pure chance that I'm actually writing anything at all right now. I have the worst feeling right now. I can barely sit up straight. It is not that I am tierd…I cant really explain. Strange enough, my little secret (one of them at least), I wish so much to have someone here that knows and understands it and cares. Someone who loves me and cares and notices when something is terribly wrong. Who's there to hold e when I need comforting. I wont say who I wish this was right now, because at this point, I have to accept that it cannot be, so my second is anyone else who could fit that description, as long as there is someone. Because sometimes, well, most times, I actually secretly don't like this "loner" thing that I've got. And I know I don't like being alone. I feel and am alone……But I don't like being left alone with it. It's like being left behind in the dark of a maze that it is so dark you are even unable to see the walls of it, where you know there is something in the dark with you but you cant see or hear it, but you can feel it there, and you aren't sure whether its friendly or not….'
Oct. 30th o5
' "Hiemmelhoch jauchenzend und zum Tode betrubt"'
'…I have done nothing that I can remember for two weeks and the only reason I can say this now is because a subject evan brought up…love…? I had forgotten it..and its all slowly coming back to me…my first real love..I will talk to him today. I don't know if I really can love anymore. But I know that I did, e ven at this age, yes. I wonder if I still love though, him, or anyone else. But I remember, I was really truly, almost madly with him. I don't know, maybe I still am. I cannot tell anymore, I wonder if I would recognize it if I ever felt it again. I know that it would hurt him to hear me say this. I know that much, that it hurts when they hear something like this…but..its true, I don't know, I'm lost and confused and tangled right now. I don't think I am even fully myself. It is back and forth, and only for short moments that I can realize this…'
Nov. 5th o5
'…you know? I've realized that all of this, all of my…misfortune…it is all my own fault. I brought it upon myself. I started out looking for someone to blame, looking for a scapegoat. And my conclusion: myself. It is all my fault, everything. It is my fault that I…'
Nov. 8th o5
'…I'll see if I can write…I wonder if there was a way to speak with the legion…I wonder if it has a name…I just had a strange moment. More like 10 or 15 minutes. I was sitting there, legs dangling…I had my pen for two reasons. One, because I had planned to write…..but anyways, I just wanted to jump and fall, feel the few minutes of falling. I remember the pen no longer in my hand neither the paper on my lap. Then I remember the collision with the floor. Sitting there not moving, hardly breathing, staring, hurting, surrounded by the papers. Suddenly being in the bathroom against the wall willing it to speak to me. Willing it to say what it wants. Speak to me…what do you want what do you want what do you want…I think I got a response but I don't know. I think so, what do you want, I want ----- and that is my secret to tell whom I wish. I'm very confused and disoriented now, cant focus really. Very very confused, I don't understand…'
Date around Yule time,- convo
‘…
~ThO I tRy 2 Talk Sense InTo MYseLf, But I JUsT Wont LisTEN- see, that’s why I don’t want you to care so much, anyone! That’s why I don’t want anyone to know! Cause they’ll be hurt…they WILL, you WILL! And I cant do anything after that.
~I woke up today, and it wasn’t with u, I guess I left ur heart, maybe I can get back around- jules..if that’s the case…hurt me
~I woke up…- HURT ME BAD
~I woke up- HURT ME TO DEATH
~I woke up- I WANT YOU TO HURT ME
~I woke up- not me to hurt me, but you…I want you to talk.
~ThO I tRy- no
~I woke up- not me to stab me everytime im around you and didn’t do anything about it
~ThO I tRy- no
~ I woke up- NO STOP JULES
~ I woke up- Im talking right now
~ThO- I wont hurt you
~I woke- JULIE, LISTEN
~I woke- if you don’t hurt me, ill hurt myself..back to root one, and death will come within the hour, cuz I will hurt myself.
~ThO- oh great, put my on a guilt trip!
~I woke- no
~ThO- I have no choice then?
~I woke- shut up jules
~I woke- sorry, but now its me talking.
~ThO- I either hurt you, or you…
~I woke- die
~I woke- die for pain that YOU wont live the life you gave me, that I don’t deserve
~ThO- no no no, YOU deserve everything. Anything…I deserve nothing, okay?
~ThO- do you understand???
~I woke- SHUT UP JULIE….SHUT UP
~I woke- u do dagnabit…u do
~I woke- or else, would I have just said all of that…for heck’s sake no.
~ ThO- you don’t understand though, you don’t know why I gave you it, do you?
Christmas/New Years time- I’ve learned
‘…I’ve learned that most of the things I worry about never happen. I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. I’ve learned that every great achievement was once considered impossible. I’ve learned that the more creative you are, the more things you notice. I’ve learned that its hard to argue w/someone when they’re right. I’ve learned that anticipation is often better than the real thing. I’ve learned that if love isn’t taught in the home it’s difficult to learn anywhere else.
Your mind can only hold one that at a time. Make it a positive or constructive one. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have left. Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation…’
Saturday, March 18, 2006
MeMoRiEs-- part one
These are some things I’ve written within the passed year, never to one person in particular, and never meant, at the time, to be public…but sometimes I want to know that there is someone, even though I don’t know who, reading it. Someone out there at least… Last night something sort of..well, usual happened, but I for some reason it helped that I started going through all of this stuff, things from January 2005 to now, and it was crazy..so many memories, But it was good I think, good for me…well, anyways…this is part one of..well I’m not quite sure, it’ll just go faster if I split them up…
June 27th o5
‘Okay, so last night was pretty much my first night as a loner. My first night being ‘alone’. As in, nobody know about me here, or that I don’t have Jenna a phone call away. I don’t like being alone….’
June 28th o5
‘…I logged out, stood up and then fell. I couldn’t stand. I couldn’t believe what had happened, what was happening. Finally I dragged myself to the door and stumbled through the living room ( I had been in my dad’s room), up the stairs, and into my room.
Dunno what happened really. At one point I slid down to the floor against my bed and said…well, I can’t remember, something about being alone. I woke up really early on my bed, and here I am now…’
Date anywhere from Jan. o5 to April o5- story
‘…The old man just appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. The experienced faerie had been watching for him, sitting well back within the concealing shadows of the spreading branches of the old willow, high on a hillside overlooking the whole of the enchanted
How did the old man do it? Blew had spent most of his life in this country, kept alive by wits and experience. He saw things that others did not even know were there. He could read the movements of minlings from their passage through tall grass. He could tell how far ahead of him they were and how fast they were traveling. But he could not spy out the old man on the clearest night and most familiar land, even when he knew he was to look for him. It didn’t help matters that the old man found him easily. Moving deliberately off the trail, he came toward the two faerie’s with slow, measured strides, head bowed slightly, eyes tilted up out of the shadow of his hood. He wore black, like most minlings did those days, at night, cloaked and hooded, wrapped darker then the shadows he walked through. He was not a big man, neither tall nor muscled, but he gave the impression of being hard and fixed on his purpose. His eyes, when visible, were distantly green. But at times they seemed as white as bones, too—now, especially, when night stole away all colors and reduced them to shades of gray. They gleamed like wolves eyes caught in a fragment of light—feral, piercing, hypnotic. Light illuminated the old mans face as well, carving out the lines that creased it from forehead to chin, moving across the ridges and valleys of the ancient skin. The old man’s hair and beard were gray going towards white, the hairs wispy and thin like a spider’s web.
Forest and the trails leading to it. Everything was visible in the light of a full moon for at least 10 miles, and Blew still didn’t see him. It was unnerving and vaguely embarrassing, and the fact that it had happened this way every time didn’t make it any more palatable.
How did the old man do it? Blew had spent most of his life in this country, kept alive by wits and experience. He saw things that others did not even know were there. He could read the movements of minlings from their passage through tall grass. He could tell how far ahead of him they were and how fast they were traveling. But he could not spy out the old man on the clearest night and most familiar land, even when he knew he was to look for him.
It didn’t help matters that the old man found him easily. Moving deliberately off the trail, he came toward the two faerie’s with slow, measured strides, head bowed slightly, eyes tilted up out of the shadow of his hood. He wore black, like most minlings did those days, at night, cloaked and hooded, wrapped darker then the shadows he walked through.
He was not a big man, neither tall nor muscled, but he gave the impression of being hard and fixed on his purpose. His eyes, when visible, were distantly green. But at times they seemed as white as bones, too—now, especially, when night stole away all colors and reduced them to shades of gray. They gleamed like wolves eyes caught in a fragment of light—feral, piercing, hypnotic. Light illuminated the old mans face as well, carving out the lines that creased it from forehead to chin, moving across the ridges and valleys of the ancient skin. The old man’s hair and beard were gray going towards white, the hairs wispy and thin like a spider’s web.
Where are you Bi’low?......’
July 1st o5
‘I have never been happier in my life! I have never smiled so sincerely since…forever it seems, April. In fact, I cant stop! I’m just so happy! I never would’ve\n thought this could happen to me..Especially this passed week has been glum. I haven’t smiled much. But now, I’m SO happy! My life just became so much better! So much less depressing…Anyone could tell you that in the last month I haven’t talked much, because so much has gone on lately. I never had anyone to help me, but of all the odds! The best person it could be, I thought I was gonna die this summer because I wasn’t used to being alone…’
Aug. 18th o5
‘Yea, its raining, my favorite weather. The papers probably going to get soaked but I don’t care. Not anymore…I’m sitting at the church park, in the rain. And I hate it. Everything. Yes, I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world. I tell people, “have high spirits” “don’t ever give up” “don’t say life sucks” and yet, here I am, I\n cant even take my own advice…’
July 1st o5
‘I have never been happier in my life! I have never smiled so sincerely since…forever it seems, April. In fact, I cant stop! I’m just so happy! I never would’ve thought this could happen to me..Especially this passed week has been glum. I haven’t smiled much. But now, I’m SO happy! My life just became so much better! So much less depressing…Anyone could tell you that in the last month I haven’t talked much, because so much has gone on lately. I never had anyone to help me, but of all the odds! The best person it could be, I thought I was gonna die this summer because I wasn’t used to being alone…’
Aug. 18th o5
‘Yea, its raining, my favorite weather. The papers probably going to get soaked but I don’t care. Not anymore…I’m sitting at the church park, in the rain. And I hate it. Everything. Yes, I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world. I tell people, “have high spirits” “don’t ever give up” “don’t say life sucks” and yet, here I am, I cant even take my own advice…’
‘…why do I keep ignoring my own problems?All I ever do is try to please everyone else. And I can’t, its impossible. And it was strange, but true, when my dad said all that, when he told me what he was/is going to do, I didn’t even think until now, how it’ll affect me. At first I thought of Tracey, and her kids, even thoughI’m not such a big fan of them, it still made me cry,. And then I though of her family, what they’d think, and then my own mom, and evan, and only now , me. I dunno, I feel like I have to help everyone. Everyone that I find out has problems, I jump in and help, I cant help it, I just do………I keep saying to myself, I hate it I hate it. I don’t even know what ‘it’ is. And though I say it, it is not\n what I feel. None of this’ll make sense. But its true. Though I say I hate it, I feel, not happy, but I guess, I dunno, maybe positive. But I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t. What my dad has said, I should feel terrible. I should be mad, sad, crying, anything..not happy..maybe I am just so used to this feeling that it doesn’t affect me as much anymore, I don’t know….’
‘…..He wants me to drain him, for my own good apparently, but I have always had a problem draining anyone. Especially every time it comes up. And especially him, he assures me that it will not hurt him, but maybe he says that just so that I will not starve myself. Or maybe it is true. I don’t know the real reason that I hate draining. Yes, I admit,I love the feeling, it feels great on the outside..but really, inside, I know that its not what I have to do, not for me, but for him, and my family, friends. People who still need me. I don’t want to drain because I don’t care if I’m okay. As long as they are. No matter how tempting, no matter how good it feel, no matter how much it helps….’
Oct. 24th o5 ‘…I need to go!! I need to go now, this instant! But haven’t the money or the car or the place…I can’t but I have to. I have to stop this…stop this longing, and this..This is my soul. It needs to wander it needs to leave, it longs to. I’ve got to satisfy it! You don’t understand…I have to, I need to, but I cant…’
June 27th o5
‘Okay, so last night was pretty much my first night as a loner. My first night being ‘alone’. As in, nobody know about me here, or that I don’t have Jenna a phone call away. I don’t like being alone….’
June 28th o5
‘…I logged out, stood up and then fell. I couldn’t stand. I couldn’t believe what had happened, what was happening. Finally I dragged myself to the door and stumbled through the living room ( I had been in my dad’s room), up the stairs, and into my room.
Dunno what happened really. At one point I slid down to the floor against my bed and said…well, I can’t remember, something about being alone. I woke up really early on my bed, and here I am now…’
Date anywhere from Jan. o5 to April o5- story
‘…The old man just appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. The experienced faerie had been watching for him, sitting well back within the concealing shadows of the spreading branches of the old willow, high on a hillside overlooking the whole of the enchanted
How did the old man do it? Blew had spent most of his life in this country, kept alive by wits and experience. He saw things that others did not even know were there. He could read the movements of minlings from their passage through tall grass. He could tell how far ahead of him they were and how fast they were traveling. But he could not spy out the old man on the clearest night and most familiar land, even when he knew he was to look for him. It didn’t help matters that the old man found him easily. Moving deliberately off the trail, he came toward the two faerie’s with slow, measured strides, head bowed slightly, eyes tilted up out of the shadow of his hood. He wore black, like most minlings did those days, at night, cloaked and hooded, wrapped darker then the shadows he walked through. He was not a big man, neither tall nor muscled, but he gave the impression of being hard and fixed on his purpose. His eyes, when visible, were distantly green. But at times they seemed as white as bones, too—now, especially, when night stole away all colors and reduced them to shades of gray. They gleamed like wolves eyes caught in a fragment of light—feral, piercing, hypnotic. Light illuminated the old mans face as well, carving out the lines that creased it from forehead to chin, moving across the ridges and valleys of the ancient skin. The old man’s hair and beard were gray going towards white, the hairs wispy and thin like a spider’s web.
Forest and the trails leading to it. Everything was visible in the light of a full moon for at least 10 miles, and Blew still didn’t see him. It was unnerving and vaguely embarrassing, and the fact that it had happened this way every time didn’t make it any more palatable.
How did the old man do it? Blew had spent most of his life in this country, kept alive by wits and experience. He saw things that others did not even know were there. He could read the movements of minlings from their passage through tall grass. He could tell how far ahead of him they were and how fast they were traveling. But he could not spy out the old man on the clearest night and most familiar land, even when he knew he was to look for him.
It didn’t help matters that the old man found him easily. Moving deliberately off the trail, he came toward the two faerie’s with slow, measured strides, head bowed slightly, eyes tilted up out of the shadow of his hood. He wore black, like most minlings did those days, at night, cloaked and hooded, wrapped darker then the shadows he walked through.
He was not a big man, neither tall nor muscled, but he gave the impression of being hard and fixed on his purpose. His eyes, when visible, were distantly green. But at times they seemed as white as bones, too—now, especially, when night stole away all colors and reduced them to shades of gray. They gleamed like wolves eyes caught in a fragment of light—feral, piercing, hypnotic. Light illuminated the old mans face as well, carving out the lines that creased it from forehead to chin, moving across the ridges and valleys of the ancient skin. The old man’s hair and beard were gray going towards white, the hairs wispy and thin like a spider’s web.
Where are you Bi’low?......’
July 1st o5
‘I have never been happier in my life! I have never smiled so sincerely since…forever it seems, April. In fact, I cant stop! I’m just so happy! I never would’ve\n thought this could happen to me..Especially this passed week has been glum. I haven’t smiled much. But now, I’m SO happy! My life just became so much better! So much less depressing…Anyone could tell you that in the last month I haven’t talked much, because so much has gone on lately. I never had anyone to help me, but of all the odds! The best person it could be, I thought I was gonna die this summer because I wasn’t used to being alone…’
Aug. 18th o5
‘Yea, its raining, my favorite weather. The papers probably going to get soaked but I don’t care. Not anymore…I’m sitting at the church park, in the rain. And I hate it. Everything. Yes, I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world. I tell people, “have high spirits” “don’t ever give up” “don’t say life sucks” and yet, here I am, I\n cant even take my own advice…’
July 1st o5
‘I have never been happier in my life! I have never smiled so sincerely since…forever it seems, April. In fact, I cant stop! I’m just so happy! I never would’ve thought this could happen to me..Especially this passed week has been glum. I haven’t smiled much. But now, I’m SO happy! My life just became so much better! So much less depressing…Anyone could tell you that in the last month I haven’t talked much, because so much has gone on lately. I never had anyone to help me, but of all the odds! The best person it could be, I thought I was gonna die this summer because I wasn’t used to being alone…’
Aug. 18th o5
‘Yea, its raining, my favorite weather. The papers probably going to get soaked but I don’t care. Not anymore…I’m sitting at the church park, in the rain. And I hate it. Everything. Yes, I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world. I tell people, “have high spirits” “don’t ever give up” “don’t say life sucks” and yet, here I am, I cant even take my own advice…’
‘…why do I keep ignoring my own problems?All I ever do is try to please everyone else. And I can’t, its impossible. And it was strange, but true, when my dad said all that, when he told me what he was/is going to do, I didn’t even think until now, how it’ll affect me. At first I thought of Tracey, and her kids, even thoughI’m not such a big fan of them, it still made me cry,. And then I though of her family, what they’d think, and then my own mom, and evan, and only now , me. I dunno, I feel like I have to help everyone. Everyone that I find out has problems, I jump in and help, I cant help it, I just do………I keep saying to myself, I hate it I hate it. I don’t even know what ‘it’ is. And though I say it, it is not\n what I feel. None of this’ll make sense. But its true. Though I say I hate it, I feel, not happy, but I guess, I dunno, maybe positive. But I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t. What my dad has said, I should feel terrible. I should be mad, sad, crying, anything..not happy..maybe I am just so used to this feeling that it doesn’t affect me as much anymore, I don’t know….’
‘…..He wants me to drain him, for my own good apparently, but I have always had a problem draining anyone. Especially every time it comes up. And especially him, he assures me that it will not hurt him, but maybe he says that just so that I will not starve myself. Or maybe it is true. I don’t know the real reason that I hate draining. Yes, I admit,I love the feeling, it feels great on the outside..but really, inside, I know that its not what I have to do, not for me, but for him, and my family, friends. People who still need me. I don’t want to drain because I don’t care if I’m okay. As long as they are. No matter how tempting, no matter how good it feel, no matter how much it helps….’
Oct. 24th o5 ‘…I need to go!! I need to go now, this instant! But haven’t the money or the car or the place…I can’t but I have to. I have to stop this…stop this longing, and this..This is my soul. It needs to wander it needs to leave, it longs to. I’ve got to satisfy it! You don’t understand…I have to, I need to, but I cant…’
Saturday, March 11, 2006
sorry
((I just wanted to apoligize for that last post, I'm an idiot..so just ignore what I said there )))
...
you know what I hate? ha, myself. yea...I've had a long night..it was terrible, sort of...I just hate to fall asleep the way i did...I'd love to just lay there all day and do absolutely nothing. Of course if I did that, I'd probably end up..well.....i wont say the details, but it just wouldn't happen, and i'd end up in a lot of pain, and having to clean again, an infested room. That is so disgusting, but i haven't a choice do I? So, as long as I do exactly as I'm told I should be fine right? mmhm....sure.
anyways...I dont really know what the point of this is, and I know i shouldn't be writing in the situation i'm in right now...just how someone who's been drinking knows they shouldn't be driving but they do anyways, its sorta like that..so you may want to ignore any and everything i write here today..I've been feeling horrible lately, and I've cracked today, actually more like last night. If you want to know exactly how I feel, I'm doing the best I can not to scream right now, and trying my best not to tear something apart, or to run, because if I let myself, i probably wouldn't come back either because I've died, or becuase once I'm out, I will stay out, because there's nothing to come home to. There is no home anyway. I know, I have serious 'issues'..i know there's something wrong with me that repels them away, but i do not understand why no one will tell me...no one will explain it to me...I wish someone would... if I cant understand anything else, I jst want to understand this one thing... what is wrong with me. Something happens to me, so why...why cant someone just tell me. sometimes they say that they dont want me to die, but they dont act like they care. So why should i believe it? I'm just so confused...if this is torture, I'd rather die then endure torture.
well...at least there is a three day weekend, no school on monday...I wonder what I'll find to do then. I've got to go though, i do not want to be here when well nevermind
anyways...I dont really know what the point of this is, and I know i shouldn't be writing in the situation i'm in right now...just how someone who's been drinking knows they shouldn't be driving but they do anyways, its sorta like that..so you may want to ignore any and everything i write here today..I've been feeling horrible lately, and I've cracked today, actually more like last night. If you want to know exactly how I feel, I'm doing the best I can not to scream right now, and trying my best not to tear something apart, or to run, because if I let myself, i probably wouldn't come back either because I've died, or becuase once I'm out, I will stay out, because there's nothing to come home to. There is no home anyway. I know, I have serious 'issues'..i know there's something wrong with me that repels them away, but i do not understand why no one will tell me...no one will explain it to me...I wish someone would... if I cant understand anything else, I jst want to understand this one thing... what is wrong with me. Something happens to me, so why...why cant someone just tell me. sometimes they say that they dont want me to die, but they dont act like they care. So why should i believe it? I'm just so confused...if this is torture, I'd rather die then endure torture.
well...at least there is a three day weekend, no school on monday...I wonder what I'll find to do then. I've got to go though, i do not want to be here when well nevermind
Friday, March 10, 2006
Its a miracle
well.. something amazing just happened...okay...so its not that amazing, but I had to make it more elaborate than it is. so, me being so clumsy, got pushed into a walled the other day, banged my head real hard, lol...so, my step dad actually didn't laugh this time....yes, you heard me right.. DID NOT....wow...but of course he wasn't sympathetic either....as a matter of fact...more of an angry/frustrated. hey, it wasn't my fault. and even if it was, whats it to you to be angry anyway?
so yea, I just had to throw that in..
So anyways, guess what? I saw a robin today! it just snowed again too...but I saw one. out in the tree...all puffed up cause it was cold. but it WAS a bird... yay!
So I was thinking...Osama did bad things right? yes, and God allowed them to happen. Because he respected his free agency, the only thing we have that is ours.Even though God knew what was gonna happen...he als saw what would happen because of it. Because of what appened...it opened people's eyes.. they weren't so prideful..so many people changed.. and no offense to those New Yorkers, but they needed it most. So out of the bad came good things... of course, they haven't lasted long.. pride takes over too often.
Yea, as you can see, I found an intresting scripture...and I guess people should stop wondering why bad things happen to good people. Its because its a last resort. Its the only way people will relize what they're doing. Or remember...
so anyways...
i should probably go now, I want to get out of here as fast as I can.
so yea, I just had to throw that in..
So anyways, guess what? I saw a robin today! it just snowed again too...but I saw one. out in the tree...all puffed up cause it was cold. but it WAS a bird... yay!
So I was thinking...Osama did bad things right? yes, and God allowed them to happen. Because he respected his free agency, the only thing we have that is ours.Even though God knew what was gonna happen...he als saw what would happen because of it. Because of what appened...it opened people's eyes.. they weren't so prideful..so many people changed.. and no offense to those New Yorkers, but they needed it most. So out of the bad came good things... of course, they haven't lasted long.. pride takes over too often.
Yea, as you can see, I found an intresting scripture...and I guess people should stop wondering why bad things happen to good people. Its because its a last resort. Its the only way people will relize what they're doing. Or remember...
so anyways...
i should probably go now, I want to get out of here as fast as I can.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
New passion
wow...well, I had this all written out in my head..but...well, screw that, it's gone now. lol...I cant 'write' it more than once. It just doesn't work.
anyways...I must really be insane. I signed up for JV tennis...oh my, I will ruin it for the team, I know. But..I guess the real reason I signed up was to get me away from home as long as possible...four days a week for an hour is worth the work of getting 35 dollars and humiliating myself by losing against some 10 year old....really, that sounds like a bit much...but if you were me, you'd do more than that to have an excuse of staying away as much as possible.
anyways...whats it called when you are a housecleaner/maid/nanny/caretaker at the same time and you are not paid with anything but maybe a threat and something more...?
Just curious if I should even begin to compare that to the hebrews in egypt, or the african americans during the slave trade. wait..slave, is that a shorter word for the above? hm
well, that was random.
you know, I think my new passion... 9no, not forgetting the old either, I will still be caring about the african children....) is to fight against child abuse...whoot! I have absolutly no idea whatsoever what could be done about it by someone like me. but yea, its one of those things...either you hear about it or you experience it, and you just cannot help but be hyped to do something...anything about it. Whether it be physical, mental, or neglective...sorry, I think I care a little too much about children...oh well....I wont change. You know what I really hate though is when they see their parent's example...and so thats how they become because they know no other life.. or way to live. They'll end up hitting..and well... you get the picture...its sad, they're so little..
anyways.. I'd love to write more, but I've really got to go now.
anyways...I must really be insane. I signed up for JV tennis...oh my, I will ruin it for the team, I know. But..I guess the real reason I signed up was to get me away from home as long as possible...four days a week for an hour is worth the work of getting 35 dollars and humiliating myself by losing against some 10 year old....really, that sounds like a bit much...but if you were me, you'd do more than that to have an excuse of staying away as much as possible.
anyways...whats it called when you are a housecleaner/maid/nanny/caretaker at the same time and you are not paid with anything but maybe a threat and something more...?
Just curious if I should even begin to compare that to the hebrews in egypt, or the african americans during the slave trade. wait..slave, is that a shorter word for the above? hm
well, that was random.
you know, I think my new passion... 9no, not forgetting the old either, I will still be caring about the african children....) is to fight against child abuse...whoot! I have absolutly no idea whatsoever what could be done about it by someone like me. but yea, its one of those things...either you hear about it or you experience it, and you just cannot help but be hyped to do something...anything about it. Whether it be physical, mental, or neglective...sorry, I think I care a little too much about children...oh well....I wont change. You know what I really hate though is when they see their parent's example...and so thats how they become because they know no other life.. or way to live. They'll end up hitting..and well... you get the picture...its sad, they're so little..
anyways.. I'd love to write more, but I've really got to go now.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Saturday noon
Agh! I feel like gouging out my eyes and tearing apart the parts of my mind that are labeled: "Bad memories" and ….well...I don't know what the heck that side of my mind is called, but that too.
And when I said gouging out my eyes I meant it literally. I thought that as I got older it would be easier, that I would get used to it. But it seems as though its just getting more irritating.
Waking up each morning, I don't want to open my eyes again. Not because I am tired or that they are too packed with Sleep..but because..I know what I'll see, and I don't want to see it anymore. Its strange because this is the only case in which I want to be "normal", what ever that is. I know that it has always fascinated me…right? Right…but sometimes, I just wish it's stop, just for a day or something, its just another thing driving me insane. I mean, maybe …if I had an answer…if only I knew what it is, what they are, and why…it would be so much easier. But I suppose that its just part of the test. See how long I can stand it until I crack. THEN take pity and tell me what it is really for. Whether that be simply a test of endurance…or something else….like that I should be using this for. But I cant use it unless I know that it…they, whatever, are. It just cant work.
Well anyways, not that I'm done expressing my feelings on that particular issue, we'll talk about something else ( though I do not believe that is such a good idea considering the mood that I am in right now) hmmm
Well, yes..I guess my day hasn’t been so great. Been frustrated a lot, with some people, with myself. Yea, I mean, I swear I am going to scream the next time my stepfather touches me, in any way.
But, yea, I am going to stop now, before I say something that shouldn’t be public, and besides, I haven’t eaten since Saturday noon..so…that’s all for now.
And when I said gouging out my eyes I meant it literally. I thought that as I got older it would be easier, that I would get used to it. But it seems as though its just getting more irritating.
Waking up each morning, I don't want to open my eyes again. Not because I am tired or that they are too packed with Sleep..but because..I know what I'll see, and I don't want to see it anymore. Its strange because this is the only case in which I want to be "normal", what ever that is. I know that it has always fascinated me…right? Right…but sometimes, I just wish it's stop, just for a day or something, its just another thing driving me insane. I mean, maybe …if I had an answer…if only I knew what it is, what they are, and why…it would be so much easier. But I suppose that its just part of the test. See how long I can stand it until I crack. THEN take pity and tell me what it is really for. Whether that be simply a test of endurance…or something else….like that I should be using this for. But I cant use it unless I know that it…they, whatever, are. It just cant work.
Well anyways, not that I'm done expressing my feelings on that particular issue, we'll talk about something else ( though I do not believe that is such a good idea considering the mood that I am in right now) hmmm
Well, yes..I guess my day hasn’t been so great. Been frustrated a lot, with some people, with myself. Yea, I mean, I swear I am going to scream the next time my stepfather touches me, in any way.
But, yea, I am going to stop now, before I say something that shouldn’t be public, and besides, I haven’t eaten since Saturday noon..so…that’s all for now.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Its in the 40s now!hey, thats like summer for us.
Back again, I know you all love me and missed me so much..*wink* well anyways..*sigh* finals are all done! yay! and I didn't completely fail the algebra one...
so thats with the good news. well, I've got some fairly bad news too, well, that ethan guy I mentioned before, his parents ARE officially divorcing, and have in a way changed their mind about letting him choose, which is both good and bad. Only bad becuase ...well..its him. you've got to know the kid to understand. He's going back to Sugar city, lifts a couple stresses of mine, though knowing me, I'll still worry. I know that him and his parents do not get along very well. But..wow..I guess I feel like somewhat of a shrink, lol. I mean, he's always coming to me about these things. But i understand cause I went through it. The only thing is, if he calls, and complains...'vents' about hatred toward anyone/thing/esp. parents. I cant exactly say, "yea, I know, same here." cause that'll help so much, huh? Though, I am tempted at times to tell him off for complaining, ect. but that doesn't really help either. You have to let him talk..get it out of him, or else he'll blow. You know, if he can be considered a fairly 'average' male than I think I'm starting to understand you guys a bit more lol. But so far, I have done him good, though at times it was completely hipocritical. But..well, I got him to stop drugs. no more huffing for him. and so, as far as I can tell he's been doing well with that. I haven't smelled it on him for the passed week or so. And I know really, the only thing hurting him and bringing him lower and lower is that he cant forgive himself. He's done a few....terribly bad things...but neither were unforgivable (meaning, no first digree murder, and no denying christ, although he is so very close on that one..he believe in christ..but sometimes not in the way most people would) but its not my place to say what any of them are.
You know, I dont really understand why it is so hard for some people to forgive. and i'm not meaning just themselves, cause that I have a hard time with as everyone does. But I guess I never realized how amazed people are when I forgive so easily, sometimes too easily. Ethan was awstuck, seriously, when he found out I wouldn't be afraid, or hate him after he told me those things that he did. and even still, maybe I should be, since it comes from experience..
but oh well, I remember one time people got really mad at me once for saying that I'd forgive a hunter if they killed someone....I wouldn't hold a grudge I mean...even if it was a best friend. I know that must sound rash, but its true...maybe I shold be a little more harsh..I dont know.
anyways, enough about all of this stuff..I've got to go.
so thats with the good news. well, I've got some fairly bad news too, well, that ethan guy I mentioned before, his parents ARE officially divorcing, and have in a way changed their mind about letting him choose, which is both good and bad. Only bad becuase ...well..its him. you've got to know the kid to understand. He's going back to Sugar city, lifts a couple stresses of mine, though knowing me, I'll still worry. I know that him and his parents do not get along very well. But..wow..I guess I feel like somewhat of a shrink, lol. I mean, he's always coming to me about these things. But i understand cause I went through it. The only thing is, if he calls, and complains...'vents' about hatred toward anyone/thing/esp. parents. I cant exactly say, "yea, I know, same here." cause that'll help so much, huh? Though, I am tempted at times to tell him off for complaining, ect. but that doesn't really help either. You have to let him talk..get it out of him, or else he'll blow. You know, if he can be considered a fairly 'average' male than I think I'm starting to understand you guys a bit more lol. But so far, I have done him good, though at times it was completely hipocritical. But..well, I got him to stop drugs. no more huffing for him. and so, as far as I can tell he's been doing well with that. I haven't smelled it on him for the passed week or so. And I know really, the only thing hurting him and bringing him lower and lower is that he cant forgive himself. He's done a few....terribly bad things...but neither were unforgivable (meaning, no first digree murder, and no denying christ, although he is so very close on that one..he believe in christ..but sometimes not in the way most people would) but its not my place to say what any of them are.
You know, I dont really understand why it is so hard for some people to forgive. and i'm not meaning just themselves, cause that I have a hard time with as everyone does. But I guess I never realized how amazed people are when I forgive so easily, sometimes too easily. Ethan was awstuck, seriously, when he found out I wouldn't be afraid, or hate him after he told me those things that he did. and even still, maybe I should be, since it comes from experience..
but oh well, I remember one time people got really mad at me once for saying that I'd forgive a hunter if they killed someone....I wouldn't hold a grudge I mean...even if it was a best friend. I know that must sound rash, but its true...maybe I shold be a little more harsh..I dont know.
anyways, enough about all of this stuff..I've got to go.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
half way there...
well, I'm back again..jump for joy. well...the passed couple of days have been okay. Pretty busy with finals and all though. I've got about half of them done. Whoot!
Well, I ran an entire mile today, nonstop, in 8 min. and 39 sec. and NOT of my own free will! sounds fun, eh? considering i'm terribly out of shape...yea...anyways, changing the subject.
theres this sound technition guy, and well he made this amazing CD and its finally done! its the bible..cept, in music...its really cool actually. The first part, in genises doesn't even have words, they matched each letter to a note, and it turns out sounding a bit like rain, it all sounds really beautiful. and some parts..like the ten commandments, or some part in Exodus, not sure where...it really gets you. I swear, it has been proven..it practically hypnotizes you, at least it makes you zone out, and if you look at a person, it looks like they were slowing down from a high state..lol.. or something like that, its so strange...
anyways..I wish I could write more, and more about stuff thats more interesting, but I've got to go now.
"It's far easier to prevent a disease than to treat it..."
just for you..
Well, I ran an entire mile today, nonstop, in 8 min. and 39 sec. and NOT of my own free will! sounds fun, eh? considering i'm terribly out of shape...yea...anyways, changing the subject.
theres this sound technition guy, and well he made this amazing CD and its finally done! its the bible..cept, in music...its really cool actually. The first part, in genises doesn't even have words, they matched each letter to a note, and it turns out sounding a bit like rain, it all sounds really beautiful. and some parts..like the ten commandments, or some part in Exodus, not sure where...it really gets you. I swear, it has been proven..it practically hypnotizes you, at least it makes you zone out, and if you look at a person, it looks like they were slowing down from a high state..lol.. or something like that, its so strange...
anyways..I wish I could write more, and more about stuff thats more interesting, but I've got to go now.
"It's far easier to prevent a disease than to treat it..."
just for you..
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