An escape

I meant to write more, but I've simplified it....

In the end, everything will be okay. If everything is not okay, it is not the end.

"To watch us dance is to hear our hearts speak" --Hopi 'Indian' saying

Just need a hug

Today started out fine, beautiful weather. But by now, I'm just exhausted. Someone hit a transformer today and the whole campus lost power for an hour or so, even byington. Yet we had to stay and continue to work in the dark. With the windows, the lighting was fair enough..... for people with good eyes! Some teachers don't take in account everyone personally, why is that? True, a person can only do so much. But can't possibly expect so much out of someone who cant see!

The bus I'm taking is getting too overcrowded...a lot of the middle schoolers get on that bus at one of the stops, and after that...it's just terrible. Hot and crowded, with people sitting on eachother and sitting or standing in the aisle or even the stairwell! Literally stepping over childrens heads to get out the door. Not to mention having to carry a bag full of textbooks......well...I suppose I cant complain, some people have it worse.

Then when I finally walked all the way down to my house, I found it locked...of course...no one home and the spare key wasn't where it should have been. This was half good and half bad. Bad, because I was left out there for an hour not knowing if something had happened or not, and good because it gave me some thinking time :) Knowing me, when I'm thinking like that, I start doing a few things like...poping my knuckles ( I know... bad habit) or drawing all over my hands. So, that's what I did....a design on my hand, began as a 'happy holidays' intended snowflake... but snowflakes are too simple. So it soon morphed into some kind of faceless creature coiling around my hand, fingers. Becoming a story in my mind.

But the night should go better...there's a rainbow out side and its just started sprinkling again.

"If you think that taking care of yourself is selfish, change your mind. If you don't, you're simply ducking your responsibilities"
--Ann Richards

"And I said to myself, I have things in my head that are not like what anyone has taught me - shapes and ideas so near to me - so natural to my way of being and thinking that it hasn't occured to me to put them down. I decided to start anew, to strip away what I had been taught." --Georgia O'Keeffe :)

The Kettle

Ahhhhh!! Black Friday. Unlike all those idiots ( wink) , I went for Black Saturday and managed to obtain absolutely nothing! Of course, aimlessly wandering while engaging in a most interesting conversation with a guy I hardly know (met on the bus ??) and not even trying to take advantage of the holiday sales by wasting....errr... I mean spending all my money on 'gifts' that'll only turn out to be for myself in the end anyway....get's me nowhere. It's truely fascinating to see what people will do to get those discounts these days!! Sleep in the parking lot of BestBuy for a week!! Trample over eachother for a household appliance! People just become mindless monsters, dont they? :P Of course, there are upsides to having those mad, mindless monsters as friends....."Hey, I spent the night, and got just what I wanted, but while I was there, I figured...what the heck, a 1 gig thumbdrive for 15 bucks, I'll buy three!" And there you are, a 'gift', and you didn't even have to wait in line.

And to think, in some parts of the world...people are reacting the same way (trampling eachother, sleeping in the cold, waiting hours in line) just to get the necessities.........exp. food, uncontaminated water.

And....AND....With all those people rushing to go shopping, only one in hundred have enough time to stop and drop a quater in the old man with the bell and the Salvation Army uniform's box.

Cornucopia

Tak, Meerci, Kansha shimasu, Danke, Shukria, Xie xie, Gestena/Nais, Grazie, Gracias....Muchos gracias, Thank you. (All I can think of off the top of my head). Thanksgiving. I think the holiday has lost its meaning for most people. All it is to them is a day off to watch football and stuff your face. And you know, you think about the story...and it has become more mythology than reality. I highly doubt they even had turkey! So what does turkey have to do with anything? What does football have to do with anything? Macy's Day parade has got such extravagant floats that have absolutely nothing to do with the original meaning(Snoopy?). I am not so sure that when Abraham Lincoln signed to make this a holiday he meant for it to be used how it is nowadays.

Okay okay...yea, the traditions that have developed are fun and loved. But really...All people have to do is think about the name of the holiday. Thanksgiving. Thanks---giving. Giving--thanks... lol, I just hope that everyone stopped for a minute to thank their God(s), their neighbors, friends, family, or even complete strangers who do you good. Hardly anyone says thank you anymore. Just so used to being given so many things. But someone does something as simple as holding a door open for you, hearing a 'thank you' from you could mean the world to them. Could just make their day. Maybe that's a little miscalculated, but you never know, do you? I mean, What harm is it going to do? How much energy does it take to say those two simple words? So.... we're too lazy/busy to say thank you, but not to busy to blab on and on about how much better we are than the next person.

Anyway, I love Thanksgiving time, even though it's being a little over-run by Christmas. It's just a great holiday, just reminds me to be grateful every other day of the year too. As cheesy as it sounds, we should all just take the other persons hands and say thank you. Just say thank you. Even if they laugh, it means something to them whether they show it or not. Heck, everyone needs their self-esteem boosted every once and a while. :P

So....Thank you, Creator, for everything you've given me. For this earth with its beauty and its pleasures and its horrors. For sunrises and sunsets. For having pain, and more importantly for having the ability to love. To the Ancients, Dua netjer en ahk!

How to save a life?

It's not right. It's got to stop....they're just making everyone hurt, frustrated, angry, negative, sad, depressed. It has go to stop! If they can't do it themselves....like they had thought from the beginning...thought that it would be perfect, average...thought that it was what they wanted.

Apparently it wasn't.

I think....hey.. it's none of my business...But no, it is. I have every right to step in. It affects me very much. It affects people I care about. Whether me stepping in does any good or not. I could try the magic word...maybe knock some sense into both of them. But I don't think it will work, with her at least.

Maybe this is why I've had such problems with them. Because they're being so attracted to this house. It's not me.....it's that they come, and because I'm one of those people who get so drained by letting everyone come to me, vent on me, feed off of me, they take advantage.

Maybe this is why I'm here? To cure four people, to save two...from what seems..their biggest mistake as of yet.

Pink sky

I saw the most beautiful sunrise this morning.

Chasing Cars

The whole newest CD is great...Eyes Open

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.

Within you I lose myself...Without you I find myself...Wanting to be lost again.

"If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden." --attributed to Claudia Ghandi

"The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected." --Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.

No Regrets

You know, I am really happy where I am......I think so. I mean, I know so. Everything's almost perfect. I suppose nothing can ever be 'perfect', (wishful thinking) but it can sometimes get pretty damn close.

This is my little adventure. I got a head start and chose to face the real world before I was forced to face the real world. Rebel me. You do it that way, I do it this way. But I'm happy with it. It's hard sometimes....really hard. I know it's the best thing for me now though. I have no regrets.

Sometimes I lay there, thinking about how horrible it is..how much I miss a person...several people. How much I miss a way of living, and yet...can't stand the thought of going back to it. How scared I am to move forward...jump out to people, discover new hights, discover new possibilities, new emotions, new pains. An experiment.

Sometimes I lay there, thinking about how wonderful it is. All of the new people I meet. All of the new ideas I come across. The unimaginable amount of variety in the world. The colors, the sounds, the lights, the people, the thoughts, the world. I'm where I'm supposed to be. After so long. Someone once told me that... "...if it is what you are supposed to do, then it will happen..." or something to that effect. But the meaning was there. If it is where I'm meant to be, where I'm supposed to be, where I'm written to be....then I'll be there. If it is what I'm supposed to do then I'll do it. I cannot honestly say I believe in chance, coincidence. So I believe I'm here for a purpose...or at least to find a purpose. I don't know yet...but I'm loving it. Loving letting my spirit do what it has always urged to.

Make Love, Not War

Oh no...here it is again, elections. Julie, don't get yourself started on this now....politics. Yea, well.. I've been yellin at the TV for the passed three weeks. Jesus...Tennessee's the worst of them! Harold Ford and Bob Corker.......I read about Ford's ideas on the plane over here last June.........phhhff...I do not like him. He even looks like the sleazy, car-dealer type that's just gonna rip you off. I strongly dislike all of them with a passion. Maybe I'd vote for the one person who doesn't put out these terrible ad's and commercials bashing harder and harder every time on the other guy. You know what I'm sayin? :)

Lemme just say, this government IS FALLING APART!! Why don't we just fire the whole damn bunch in Washington and start out new?? A person can only be given so much power for only so much time before it totally distorts and changes (usually, for the worse) their very being. When people talk about our government.... you just wanna say, "Yea......Wait a minute.....we have a government!??"

Okay, yes...I can give them at least some credit, as no one is gonna like a president, or government, during a war. But then, that word 'war' comes up. People talk about what we're doing over there in Iraq like it's a fight for our freedom, for our rights as a nation......Wait, what? No one is taking over our nation. And you said the reason was oil? No wait, you said..it was to help liberate Iraqi people....or....did you say it was to help cleanse the world of terror? Find nuclear weapons? I'm confused, Stop changing the cause! Why are we over there, killing innocent people on both sides? Clear answer please. Let's not allow this to become the Vietnam war again. Let's not allow it to be the beginnings of WW3.

Well, I do admit, we couldn't stand by and do nothing while hundreds of our people were killed...but where's the evidence that we're attacking the right people? And besides, if terrorism is the cause for all this, then why are we only in Iraq? What about all those other countries.....We can group all the countries who have terrorists hiding in them into 2 words. THE WORLD. Heheh...I find it kinda funny how America defines "terrorist(s)" as a person or group of people who commit acts of war without actually declaring war. But....if that's true, then.....couldn't America be considered a terrorist? Well....yes and no... I'll give us that much. We didn't really declare war..and yet we did, but on terrorism itself, not on Iraq or anything/one else. How can we blame a region, a country, a race, a religion...? For one thing 'Jews' were never the cause of anything, and neither are 'Muslims'. Those muslims that claim to be taking quotes from the Qu'ran and saying that Islam teaches this or that, or what the true meaning of Jihad is... "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword." They're just taking those quotes out of context! That last quote....(Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.) The New Testament, Matthew 10:34. It's just the same. You can make it mean anything you want it to. I am not taking sides or defending any one side..I'm on my own side. I'll support a person for who they are, not where they come from, not their religion, not their race.

I just disagree with Bush, he's up to no good. Sometimes he acts and sounds like he thinks he's God or something. And we've got 2 more years of this?? Seeing how far we've gotten now, you begin to wonder what sort of disgusting world we're going to live in by then, and whether or not it will be able to be mended.

I wrote this big long opinion essay on America's law process, freedom of speech concerning the 14yr. old girl who was pulled out of school and interrogated by our secret service. Maybe I'll add some of that, although, I cannot mention everything that I had written there as....it deals exactly with that girls case. They'd hunt me down for saying some of those things. But I personally do think it's a good idea that they did investigate a little bit on that girls comments, but they did not need to go so deep as they did. Nothing even as drastic as taking a girl out of class to question her (and without her parents knowing/consent??). If I were president and people were posting things like, "Kill so and so"(me). Then, yea.. I couldn't help but be a little worried. But the thing is, a lot of people in America and all over the world feel this way and express it in different ways...so you just can't start of a brouhaha about a 14 yr. old's myspace carrying nonsense threats, especially since the law here..(one of the reasons we are AMERICA...america the free....america the great...) says specifically, "FREEDOM OF SPEECH". Can you really put limits on freedom without it changing the whole meaning of the word? Signing up for president includes stuff like this, you've got to be aware that no, not everyone is going to magically love you, and yes, there will be hundreds of empty threats.

Look, no one get the impression that I hate my country, no one get the impression that I'm with the "terrorists" or "extremists" or whoever the hell else is the bad guys here. I do love my country, my country is great! It's beautiful, the people are beautiful. I can have patriotism towards what America originally stood for. I can pledge allegience to that America....not to one president, or one government, or this new america that has formed. It's dying. It's kind of sad. And the people in high places that actually have good sense about what is happening talk about it, yea. ...and they have the capability of doing something about it, they have a strong word but....do they use it? No...of course not.

I just look around at what's happening. I look pretty deep into these things, because I know things are hidden, either by people in higher places, or by your own steriotypical, judgemental, brainwashed mind. Force myself to see the truth no matter how much I might not want to. Take a step back from the painting, stop pressing our noses so close, trying to see the details when taking a step or two back shows it all to you. I just wonder how it'll be in a year...two...three...5...10. If we keeping going the way we are, I don't know if I want to be alive then. But..I suppose, look on the bright side of things....even in war. Even in war, there is beauty.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'--Theodore Rooseveltte

There never was a good war or a bad peace. --Benjamin Franklin

For everything there is a season, And a time for every matter under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to seek, and a time to lose; A time to keep, and a time to throw away; A time to tear, and a time to sew; A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate, A time for war, and a time for peace. --Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

SoBe

I had a rough week...really rough. But when all is said and done, it ends with me staying up all night with my sobe green tea, watching the most beautiful moon I've seen in a month climb across the sky. Thinking, how in heaven's name did I manage to get myself into another problem like this. Thinking, yea.. they're right, I am stupid, this is probably the stupidest thing I've ever done (Thinking now, hey, I might have a decent plot for that book now:) ). But you know, the more people bring me down.. push me farther, the more I'm motivating myself. Rather than taking it as another blow to the head, I think I'll start using it as an incentive. You say I'm stupid, well I'll prove that I'm not...(anymore, at least :p). Call me arrogant, insolent, cocky...whatever...ButI'm saying... I am a good person. I really am. I makes some bad mistakes... but with good intentions. I know the good intentions don't justify the mistake, the pain, the humiliation...but this is life; everything happens for a reason. In reality, there are no mistakes. There's only carrying out what was meant to be...enduring what one needs to. If there's no valid justification, save for "everything happens for a reason", for a mistake, it doesn't mean it can't be fixed. Now, I don't think anyone/thing can really be 'fixed', but can be made better...find an alternative security, an optomistic upliftment, and cling to it. Embrace the pain when it comes, but let it go when it becomes too much to handle. Just let it go. Those demons inside you are there and encouraged only because of and by yourself.

I know my problem is only nearing its end, but it's not quite there yet. There's still much more to sort out. But I'm getting there. Just ought not to get too comfortable yet. But I believe things are going to get better... They're going upward, not down. Tomorrow will bring better and new and good things. As will the next day and the next.

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. — Orison Swett Marden, american journalist

the only way

He sent me your log from the other night I think. I only had one of my addresses then. And duddums doesn't exist anymore, so the only reason I got your message was because he sent me the log...and I guess he wasn't thinking as I knew right away what it was just knowing you had taken them back from him. And thank goodness you did....it's funny how destiny comes around like this.....Whether you conciously knew why or not...you got them months before now.. probably just for this purpose. But it doesn't solve this. I am still stuck. And I really really appreciate you wanting to sacrifice everything so that I dont have to. But...this isn't your war....this isn't your rut. I got myself into this, and I have to pay the price. At this point...I'm still his...and I'm still twisting my words and trying to find a way out....I'll find a way... I promise, and it's not death. Just knowing that was his intentions through all of this....makes me not want to do it anymore. Motivates me more. But I'm sorry if anything happens, and I'm sorry to have gotten you all tangled in this too. You should not suffer for my mistakes. If I can't stop him, then yes... everything is ruined for me...I have an idea how i might weasel my way out of it.. but it will most likely never work, it is false hope. My only hope is that he stops his insanity and starts acting like the adult he is. That he realizes who I am... and that revenge is never right. And....overall...just leaves both of us alone...peacefully. If he doesn't....and if he does carry out his threats.. then...I'll probably never see you, talk to you...ever again.. or at least, not for a very long long time. But no need to look at this situation in a pessimistic light. Look at it with optimism...It'll work out fine and I'll talk him out of all of this...talk him back to sanity. But for now... I just have to be very careful...just have to obey. 831831831 syawla!

MG

It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err.

Direction of the Wind

So...school is back in now. Jump for joy. Got a few of my results back...but most won't come until Thursday at the
open-house.

I got a letter today...yes, good old fashioned postal. :) It was from my grandparents, in LV ( my mothers parents). It was very... uplifting..and encouraging. It was really good to know they still remember me, care about me, and pray for me. It turns out they're taking the "long route" to Cali. that just so happens to pass through Rexburg, Idaho. :'( They're the traveling couple now! Granpa just retired, so they can go wherever they want to now :D

I talked to Emily few days ago. "When are you coming home?" "I miss you" "Are you having fun at your other daddys?" "When are you coming home?" "Guess what I did today?!" "Listen to what Po did..." "When are you coming home?" awwwwwwww I miss little emmy. I think she just got a new haircut. A short little bob...perfect for her. :)

Evan is still alive, though even more sore than before. He actually competed in his track meet the Friday after his wreck. After running so long...it's just not helping him heal up. But I suppose he owes it to his coach...since he skips practice all the time. And good news for him, some friend of Greg's has a crappy old car..nothing works but the engine, but she's willing to just give it to him to use for school, etc. Hey, if it runs...then that's all that counts.

Well that's all that's going on in general right now... Hey! Look at that sunset....hmm....maybe I'll write something deeper later....

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --Albert Einstein

All the sounds of the earth

Music- The art of arranging sounds in time so as to produce a continuous, unified, and evocative composition, as though melody, harmony, rhythm, and timbre. Vocal or instumental sounds posessing a decree of melody, harmony, or rhythm.

Music, music, music...everyone loves music. If they don't, then there's something seriously wrong with them. I bet it's been implanted in the minds of humans to gain pleasure from some kind of rhythm or sound since the time of Adam and Eve. It just amazes me when someone can tell me they "don't like music". I think it's physically impossible not to like it, unless these people are deaf...

Music is everything, it's fun and exciting, sad and depressing, meditative, sentimental, mesmerizing, an incentive...it's in every sound your ears take in. It's nature as well as synthetic. It can calm you, heal you, hurt you, teach you. What more can you ask for in one simple thing?

I love it when you hear a sound, beat, or song that just grips you with its riveting sonance. It's got a hold of you. It's embedded in your mind. It drives you crazy trying to find it again, and when you finally do, you just can't stop listening. I love the definition of sound; Sound- 1- Vibrations transmitted through an elastic solid or a liquid or gas, with frequencies in the approximate range of 20 to 20,000 hertz, capable of being detected by human organs of hearing. 2- Transmitted vibrations of any frequency 3- The sensation stimulated in the organs of hearing by such vibrations in the air or other medium.

I've never looked it up, but it must have everything to do with phi, hey? If it is what makes something appealing then it must have something to do with it. I know that scales in music come straight from the fibonacci series...but what about sound itself?

But all in all, none of that matters. Not how or why...just the fact that it is. And thank goodness it is, because it provides the best/easiest escape from the world save death.

In my dreams/ I'll always see you soar above the sky/ And in my heart will always be a place for you, For all my life/ I'll keep a part of you with me/ And everywhere I am there you'll be.-- Faith Hill, "There You'll Be"

"If music be the food of love; play on.".......Way to be blunt, Shakespeare, way to be... :)

All things are difficult before they are easy

So...I think I've finally settled in down here. Yes, I have come to live here with my dad for a while....not sure how long. But I think it'll be good for me. I'll be free to explore.....find myself, maybe. Anyways, it's good to be able to start out new with a blank slate. I'm not sure how it'll all turn out in the end, but I hope it will be good. I do miss Evan, and My mother.. and my friends... and a lot of other people, and it sounds like a lot of things fell apart after I left. AHHH the guilt. :(

But it'll be okay...it'll be fine...be optimistic, Julie, you're doing something for yourself for once. (cept.. there is a part of me that says I'm here to get some greatly needed order in this house.)

My dad took me out last night, we went to see one of Alexia's shows....Samara happened to be a guest performer, and was fantastic. There were a few of the dances I really liked. Mostly the fusion ones..Veil, Arabic/Indian w/cybals, Arabic/Spanish, Indian Bollywood(w/Chaaiya Chaaiya!!), and the Oriental....Anyway, it was all good. And It was really awesome to be able to see the famed Samara from New York.

Well, no insight for today...Just talk about my boring life....

"I finally feel like I am alive again. I feel so good. To be able to step outside anytime, to feel the sun directly on your face — to see the whole sky. These are luxuries that we just don't appreciate every day." (Ex-hostage Jill Carroll)

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.

Captain Corelli's Mandolin

What’s there to sing about…?

What is there to sing about? There is singing when babies are baptized; when you celebrate a marriage; men sing as they work; soldiers sing as they march into battle; and there is singing when people die. I have always found something in life worth singing about. For that I cannot apologize.........

............When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!

oh

Jeez..I need to get up to date on this thing...

On Fire

Tell you where you need to go
Tell you when you'll need to leave
Tell you what you need to know
Tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
Says more than what you've heard
So much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be...

Cause everything inside looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
these mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]
I'm standing on the edge
And I'm on fire
When You're near you
I'm on fire
When You speak(Yea)
I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries...

I'm standing at the edge of me,
Standing on the edge of everything I've ever been
And I've been standing at the edge of me, standing
at the edge

Will you post this for me?

This thing is taking over. My mind and therefore my body. I can't tell what is real and what isn't. I can no longer tell which pains are real and which are figures of my imagination. I can no longer tell what thoughts are mine and which.. aren't. I don't know how to help myself anymore. Certain things affect me in strange and bad ways now. Like certain quotations will cause pain and voices and hurt and I can't describe it.

I can't tell if it's some other being causing the things that happen to me to happen or if it's just me own screwed up mind. Which voice do I follow? Who do I trust? Who is God anyway? Who or what am I? I'm not pedestrian, I know that. Who are these people I see? Why do they do this to me? What do they want? Should I trust them?

I cannot tell if they are good. My mind will not still itself. Back and forth. Back and forth. Is this me? Blank. Is it good, right? Blank. Cut, burn, pain, reality. And from her arm starts to fall, a beautiful ruby red. What am I supposed to do??!!!

I don't know who I am. Only vaguely, I see myself, but it is hard to hold on. My mind is being taken away. Struggle? But it feels beautiful...It feels good, but do I trust it? It feels good and yet it causes a faint fear in me. Don't give in,, a voice says. It's too hard. Another voice whispers truths and other's intentions/thoughts in my ear. Truths?? or....lies?

Who is this that follows me but is invisible to the eyes of most others? What did I do to recieve this pain, this torture, torment?? Who thrusts their hand into my back, creating such a hole to climb into and eat away my heart? Snake your black coils around every organ inside of me. Coming to my heart and brain, they squeeze...squeeze and pierce and control, I lose myself...See what I say and do, but cry out in my mind "stop!! no! please..." But I continue. I can't stop myself, I've got no control, I can only watch.

What keeps me going when the creature becomes too overwhelming?? cut, burn, pain, reality. The need for such things comes more and more often. How do I stop this? How?? Help me... I do not know god...help me. voices,voices, dreams, visions, pains, unamed and indescribable emotions, thoughts, whispers, shaking, cold goosebumps, hot head, thin strings of sharp pain vibrating off each other.

Try every possible outlet, cure, hope...but no success.. never success. Tried everything but death. Death. Is death the relief? The lastof my faith slowly slips away. I reach for it, I reach for freedom... but it cruelly slips through my fingers. I am honest. If I had done something as bad to deserve this, then our beloved God is not as merciful as we once thought. Is this punishment? a test? fate? insanity? Or one being's idea of fun. I start to forget. Forget what I once thought was real, true, right, good.

If it is not selfish of me to say....please rid me of these images!!! Rid me of this pain, this confusion, this terror! Please help me, I beg...I beg to anyone who listens.... Help me please. I dont want to hurt anyone anymore and I dont want to hurt anymore. I dont want to be scared. I dont want to be his slave. Kill me if you must, I just cant help myself. I cant do this on my own anymore. If all else, just be there for me. Just listen to my nonsense rants and screams without fear. Don't abandon me again...please.

That day

I woke up that morning; my parents had already left for the hospital. A note was left saying that Daine and his father would be taking us to school that day. We waited at the window and I looked down at my triplet step siblings, all so oblivious to the horror that would enfold that day, the confusion that would ensue. Myself; I knew something would happen, but wasn't sure what.

Daine's dad drove up and we stepped out into the cold September air. Our breath e came out in soft smoky billows. We drove slowly around the sharp curves or Pioneer Road. I stared out the half frozen windows of the car, thinking, wondering, in my own little world. I subconsciously listened to my own invented white noise, consisting of the radio news talk, the light hum of the engine, and the laughter of children in the back seat.

Suddenly, Daine's dad turned to me and asked in a panicked voice, " Did you hear that?!"

I just nodded, even though I hadn't. I had been pondering the feeling I had had all morning…the feeling of terror; Something bad was going to happen.

I thought, he must be talking about something he heard on the radio. I listened. All I heard was the babbling voices of, supposedly more important than I, people. Government. Politics. Probably some political squabble that will have absolutely no effect on me whatsoever. I gave up trying to understand, and continues with my Sky Watching. Ah, the sunrise, just now….does no one hold any respect for this event?

As I walked down the hall of the old brick school building, I noticed several teachers glance in the office, see the small TV, and walk slowly in, staring. Jaw dropped. Shocked. The most recent teachers to arrive eye's were still in confusion, while the more stale were full of tears that rolled down their cheeks. I continued walking, now more excited an nervous. Was this it? What is going on?

I entered the classroom knowing there was one of the few TVs in the school inside. But I walked in only to find it crowded by hovering adults, also with tears and confusion. I and a few other students stretched our necks to see above their shoulders. I caught only one glimpse just as, what seemed to be, a plane crashed into a tall building, adding to the black smoke that was already there. The teachers in full view gasped, and some turned to shoo us out of the room.
We sat in the hall…my curiosity burning…my nervousness heightening. What is going on? What is happening?

Later, my teacher lectured all day about the events of the morning. Most of us didn't understand what was happening. All these new words. Suddenly I'm hearing….Terrorists..Hijacking...World Trade Center.. death…war.

What does it all mean?

I went home a little frightened. My step dad's mother was there. After several phone calls, she took the family over to the hospital to meet my mother.

After holding my newest sibling, little Emily, the fears of the day completely vanished. All I could remember was this little miracle in my arms. I passed her on and someone said, "Of all days this beautiful baby could be born, why today? Why on such a horrible day?"

The little boy beside me answers, "Maybe heaven is getting too crowded today and she had to come…"

I dont know

I think that when finally realized...every human being absolutely loathes knowing the fact that it is basically inevitable for our species to NOT end up wanting more than anything the one thing they can never have. That intense feeling that becomes so strong that it seems impossible to dampen the desire. Even though you very well know that you cant ignore the existence of the fine line between need and want, it still becomes so strong that you subconciously try to fool your own mind into thinking it is indeed a need. And when it becomes a need in your mind, it's just a torture for you,

ivaw

Fear.

Probably the most malicious, and dreaded emotion discovered so far. It's as if you can smell it's ominousness a mile away and you do everything possible to avoid the unpleasant... trepidation that you know it will cause. But the very intimidation of the emotion becomes exactly what you wanted to evade from the beginning. Fear is funny that way. A vicious cycle. You're running from fear, but there's no where to run. Because what you really fear...is fear itself.
When each of us was a child and the realizations of our vulnerability first became a part of us, we all had our fears. All of the stories about the Boogeyman in our closets or the aligators under our beds. My little sister is afraid of what she calls 'The Hand'..that constantly haunts her dreams. I even had my own "far-fetched" fears...too many to count actually. But as a child, we also had enough imagination to believe without a doubt that our blankets and toys would shield and save us from any evils conjured by our mind.

The point is...it is in the core of a human being that lies the recognition that we are predetermined and finite. Which makes us vulnerable. The recognition doesn't go away as we grow up..it just gets subverted in a way...and changed. We'll abandon the simulation of our blankets...and create rituals and beliefs that equate to the use of our blankets.'Consider air travel. The trip through the airport includes a lot of checkpoints and interrogations. "Did you pack these bags yourself, sir/ma'am?" (How are you supposed to answer? "Of course not. I let a terrorist do it.") Then comes the scanning station. It's like people are entering a mosque or Buddhist temple. They're relatively quiet and respectful. They take off their jackets and shoes in order to pass through a sanctified gateway. I half expect incense to emanate out of the metal detecting wands waved in blessing over the traveler by the security priests on the other side.'Why do we even bother? Is making everyone take off their shoes really going to stop people from smuggleing knives and bombs etc. on to planes? No...how many times is it going to happen until it finally hits us that these things do nothing to protect us.. they only give us the illusion of safety.

Just as if you go to a church in order to be safe from all evils. The church is equal to the power of the blanket, it no more protects you from your...perceived evil than it empowers you to face it.

I think that mastering the overcoming of fear is one of the most important things to acomplish in this life. And I'd encourage every person on this planet to strive to accomplish that. To stop pretending like running away will make it all better. But all in all...overcoming fear does not deny its existence, I think, rather..the discovery of another power is what over comes the cause of fear.

Јуст фор тхе хецк оф ит...

Ићм хавинг еџтреме троубле њритинг цонсидеринг тхе лангуаге он мз цомпутер хас судденлз цхангед он ме. И муст хаве хит соме цоде кезс анд ноњ Ићм њритинг ин греек...ор туркисх...ох њелл. Итћс сорт оф интерестинг....мазбе Ићлл пост ит анзњазс..јуст фор тхе хецк оф, хез?

Different from many

This post will be a little..different...

I know, I leeched onto you because you were the first person that got so close to actually understanding me..but then again, in the end, you were only ‘so close’. You were also the first person to ever tell me that you really loved me.

And now I realize that…you were my life. I couldn’t stop thinking about you because you were my hope, that's all. My only hope that things would get better one day. That maybe one day, I would not be so alone. That maybe one day that thirst would be quenched. The torture would stop.

I thought I wanted to hurt myself. But I didn’t…I just didn’t care if someone came and kidnapped me, molested me, raped me, tortured me, killed me…It’s like I don’t care. And yet I do..I do only because I’d die without a purpose. I thought I didn’t care because I can deal with physical pain just fine…To me…it’s not as bad as the torture I’ve been going through every day.

I said I wanted a gun to my head...not my leg, arm…not my heart. My head, because it is my mind that is the torture. It’s my mind that I want to stop.

You’re right, I wouldn’t do it to myself. That’s why you never take me seriously. Kinda makes me want to just to prove myself.

I wouldn’t do it to myself, but I’d let someone else do it to me.

I’m grateful for life, I’m grateful for this body and spirit, I’m garateful for a chance to live, and yes, I’m also grateful for this mind. I know that contradicts everything..but I am well aware that I am only being tested to see how long I can last before he allows me to move on. Maybe I am even being tested for other things as well. So, I am grateful for that.

But it doesn’t mean I’m invincible, it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard, it doesn’t mean it isn’t torture, or that I’m not alone. I am, and that’s part of my purpose, part of my test. But I see no rule that says I cant talk about the pain, no rule that says I cant hate it. No rule that says I can’t want, need, wish, hope.

It will be like this for the next, at least, four years as long as I can survive it well, without dying or being mentally distorted in some way. I have always known that it is only a matter of time. But I don’t know how much longer I can take. I know that the first part is finding where I need to go next. But I cant do that unless I am free..and I can’t be free unless I have the courage to fight for my freedom.

And now, I just need to find something or someone that’ll get me started, and not let me forget what I’m doing, not let me fall back down despite what is happening in and all around me. I need that, that’s all I need…so that maybe..I can use my time for gaining more courage and mending myself.

This is not my way of self-pity. This is not my way of self-oppression. I’m not here to waste my time with false idols. And I am not here to grant my own wishes.

Ant Habeby

I have not written for ages, I know. I've just been so caught up with everything around me, as well as everything inside me. But right now...my emotions are very...deep, I suppose...so it makes for a good time to catch up.

I'll start with..just the fact that ever since that last post, I've been in a worse chaos then ever before. Nothing went right, it seemed like everything I said or did was wrong...very clumsy (although I usually am anyway), very 'out of it', I could not leave the house..let alone my room. I completely lost track of time and I didn't even know what day it was..I could think one morning, that I was waking up to a tuesday morning..when really...it was already friday. I rarely ate, ended up completely dehydrated. Been letting my emotions go however they wish...so at one point, I could let fear take complete control..and that's a scary thing, lemme tell ya. Always in pain, always feeling as if I was going to die right then and there...Whether I was just feeling that way, or wishing that..I can't be for sure. It has been going on like this (and several more things that I dont care to mention here) from the time I posted last, until just 20 minutes ago.

Dont worry, once I finish this..I plan to eat my first meal of the day, and drink lot's of water.

Anyway, I guess I just had so much stress that it was just..making me psychotic. there were times that I allowed myself to do certain things that I thought would be the key to freeing me of this stress. I highly regret it because it is only a mirage, and I very well knew that from the beginning. You see it far off and think it is the answer to all your problems, that it is complete paradise and relaxation. So you try by any means necessary to get closer..and when you get there, you find that the only real pleasure was merely the imagination..the fantasy.. you had beforehand.

So..many nights were spent with no sleep. Just thinking...crying...wishing...dreaming. Hope. I cried for the many dreams had in the world..that had been ruthlessly crushed in an instant. For the pains of every person on this Earth. For every person who burried the goodness they were born with, burried it so deep..and left it forgotten. For all of the people stripped of their rights, their happiness..and their hope. For every person in this world who is lost, who feels the unneeded punishment of guilt, who need. I cried for the one I love. For the such ingenius way this world, and each and every material thing, experience, emotion, and mind was created. I cried for everything deserving..and for nothing.

In this time of my seclusion...I found, that I feel. I feel everything. everything. So far, my mind and my heart are the two most indescribable creations on this planet. I'll believe that until I find something more. I want to make a frail attempt at showing the world what I see..feel, hear, sense...etc. I try everyday..but it is impossible. Why is it that I can understand a mind so easily? Why is it that I can know exactly a persons true mind, heart and soul just by looking at them once? Why is it that a girl of such a young age is able to remember, understand, comprehend so many, many complicated things? How can a girl this age, teach even the wisest things they didn't know? Where do these memories and this knowledge and hope come from? Who am I really? and why me? As I have said over and over again year after year, to person and person..I am not special, I am not courageous or brave. I am clumsy. I am not a leader.

So where is the truth? Where is the answer? The answer everyone want's. I'll leave that a mystery for the sake of every individual's adventure. It is findable and closer than you think. I do believe in destiny and I do believe in fate..if a person finds it now, then I believe it was meant to happen so. If a person does not find it soon, then I know how that person thinks, how they live, and that their purpose has taken a seperate route. And at this moment in time, I dont believe it matters which path you take. There is isn't a right or wrong.

I had not planned this at all, and I don't know why I have written what I have. But I am very happy now. Very excited. Very wishful...and hopeing that my trusty patience does not fail me now.