Twofold connotation

This is what I learned today, I’ll sum it up as best I can.I found that, you are never tempted beyond what you can bear, the only reasonthat we sometimes fall is because we failed to prepare ourselves to withstand these temptations. Short and simple, but I’m so glad I’ve discovered that…..

One, if you find it.

Well.....today went okay, though I've felt very very sick for various reasons and couldn't concentrate so well. Nothing of much significance today happened, or that I'd like to talk about right now. I'm simply here right now trying to kill time.
anyways....Summer, she is being taken from her home, this fun little Jewish Cali. girl. She sluffed school the other day..which, what teenager doesn't at least once before graduation? well...her mom flipped, did all kinds of things, beat her..etc. And she told someone, amazing huh.....and well now she'll be a foster child. It's really sad, I feel really bad about it..and I know it had nothing to do with me, but I still...well...I need to go

the last point of the pentagram

Hmm..well..lately,*and again* it’s been interesting. My life’s just full of interesting things, hey? Anyway, been crazy trying to get all fixed up for classes next year. Going completely by internet this time…I say, not a good idea. That powerschool program is not very reliable. But okay, yea.. and then, unfortunately, I just checked there and the grades WERE working and I had to see how I did on that last exam in Algebra. Heh, I guess when I told Jen, ‘watch me flunk this’.. I was serious. *sigh* BUT the fairly good news is that class average was a D. So I’m not the only one who did terrible…and it really shouldn’t matter since I’m taking this class over again next year, it was recommended and I agree, I’m not ready to move on. And it also shouldn’t matter until my mom one day decides to find out what my password is and get on and check it..which will most likely never happen. It’s always so strange, on every test, I’m nervous, then when I start it, I think, hey, this is easy. I think I actually got it this time. Next thing you know…I really DIDN’T get it, and did the whole thing wrong. But, next year I’m going to do better. And as long as the classes aren’t filled up by the time I get there, then I think next year will be pretty enjoyable, because I’m taking classes that I’ll enjoy. I’m hoping..I can’t promise how accurate this is but here is my schedule. So that when I come back here ten years and read this I’ll remember.. hehe…yea well anyways…what else shall I talk about. Jenna’s birthday was today, I feel bad because I completely forgot, I was going to run to the store last night, but..well it didn’t happen. But I’m going to do something to surprise her at her house Saturday to make it up to her…though I’ve no idea what to get her as she’s every thing I could think of. Well, I’ll think of something. Well I could always try to relieve her from that boy, ethan. Who, I’ve decided not to talk to him until he pulls himself together. And yes, that same boy I had mentioned in earlier posts whom I pitied so much. But what can I say…he’s just not a very good person. And that doesn’t mean that I don’t believe that he cant change. I just don’t think I can be friends anymore with someone who lies, exaggerates, purposely tries to make me feel stupid, does drugs, and/or anything else illegal, and thinks he’s some sort of savior of the world, the last point of the pentagram, along with Jesus, God, Satan, and Goddess. Who continues to complain complain complain, me me me me. I did what I could for him, and the rest is up to him, I can’t change him, only he can. Anyways, this morning did start quite well actually, I think I might’ve felt rested for the first time in months. Or maybe its just because I took advantage of dearest father leaving earlier than usual, and I sleeping in til 6:45…and that’s saying something. I did get in a bit of a fight with Evan, so that ruin a portion of my morning. And that I forgot to eat breakfast which happens a lot. And that I forgot Jen’s birthday..Other than that…it went okay. Anyways Not much else to say now..

At War

Btw..sorry for those last two entries, I haven’t been doing so well, and was in a negative attitude. ……Well, I found the solution. To apathy, greed, destroyed families etc. and the cause of them. It’s because we’re constantly at war. The war in heaven didn’t end as I was born, nor anyone else, not even with Adam and Eve coming to earth it didn’t end. We were simply stationed at a new battle location. I know this’ll all sound dumb, but the war is against satan…against evil itself I guess. Who hates you, hates your wife/husband, hates your children, grandchildren…hates them all and wants to destroy them, right? He uses the technique any smart soldier would to. You don’t just attack and hope for the best. You distract them first, lead them on another way. So he slowly pulls you away to worldly things and attacks when you’re most vulnerable. While you’re distracted and preoccupied with career, cars, money etc. he’s over there confusing, misleading, the ones you love, destroying them because we have something he will never have. A body, life, a family..happiness, then you come back eventually, and wonder what you did wrong and how to fix it. Well, there’s plenty of things you can do, the orders you were given when sent into battle. They’ll always work as long as you follow them, and all the same, in the end, you could be punished for insubordination if you don’t. and I’m NOT saying that the excuse of ‘the devil made me do it’ is suddenly valid. Because it’s not. You’ve got your own agency, no one can force you to do anything, not even god himself, because he gave you the free agency, and it is the only thing that’s yours. Make your own choices, just think before you act. If you don’t, we’ll end up with a lot more casualties in this than were necessary……….I know that I’ve always wanted to follow every one of those things. Some aren’t just war tactic orders, but I think that if I keep following my heart, those war tactic ones are the only one’s I could follow..in this life at least. I’d not have a chance to be sealed in this life, if I do continue what I am. But I know there must be some rule out there that would let me, in the next. Well, I really don’t want to think about all those dreams I’d be giving up, because I’d much rather follow my heart in these things with the hope of a second chance after to hold on to. If I didn’t follow mine, , despite whether I and my would-be family reach this ultimate glory they speak of or not, I don’t think I’d be happy. After all this glory even really means happiness. I could be in the best place in the universe. Highest of the high celestial kingdoms and yet, not feel complete, and that’d leave a space for unhappiness in the happiest of places. I think I’d give up that high rank for true happiness, wouldn’t you? ..................This is the way of peace: Overcome evil with good, falsehood with truth, and hatred with love.
t

Whatever happens, happens

well..I know, I'm a terrible person, but I can't help that I've got incredible hearing. Well, sometimes I'm subconciously listening to everything that people are saying around me and etc. and certain words will catch my attention and'll pull me into listening more. Anyways, it comes in handy a lot, this time though, I happen to hear that my great grandma on my step dad's side fell the other day and couldn't deal with the pain and had a heart attack and now cant have an operation because of it and probably wont ever walk again. *sigh*...I probably would not ever hear about it unless I overheard it.
Well...emily was having her dreams again last night, she's told me about them before...and they scare me just hearing about them. Last night she was thrashing around and saying things like 'mommy it hurts'. Poor girl, but I can say I know what she means. Let's see what else...well, I'm afraid that its gonna happen soon, it will some time, just I think it will soon and I'm not gonna be able to do anything about it, uncontrollable. oh well, what happens, happens.

More than two words

hmm...well...I just got home from that show I did, the showcase actually. Just sort of sat there the whole time until someone came and looked at it and asked question, when, I'd answer and they'd usually just look a little clueless as to what the heck I was talking about and then nod and smile, move on. Must've used some way of cheating for that, as I'm told she's only fourteen, that isn't possible. well, and then I got a volunteer to listen to some music I've written and they say they're going to make a CD for me as soon as I get enough and finish them. whoot.. well, then I eventually ran into my friend cristina, or rather, her into me, and she sat behind the table with me and we talked. She told me about yet another guy problem. She's just not wanting to admit that she really likes him and she's trying to convince herself otherwise but it's not exactly working, because she can't change whether she likes him or not, cause she really does. And the subconcious reason for her trying NOT to is because she is moving by the beginning of school next year, and so is he. Though, her to Seattle and him to Boise. So sad..and then she expects me to use my psychic abilities to go and tell her exactly whats in his mind..oh yes, considering I've heard of him, never actually saw nor talked to him. But I told her I'd some astrology for her, and maybe make some runes to use. I'd use them for more than just that, but I suppose I just need the right motivation. Otherwise it'll never get done..I guess I'm too lazy to do all the work, because if I did have some I'd want them genuine and the best, which means I'd have to make them myself and ward and do all the rituals to them as well. Anyways, I've had long week, very busy, and was looking forward to the weekend, but not so much now. Things change so fast. A little frustrated with..my boyfriend, yes, I can call him that now since he started it. *wink* any way, yea...but I guess I can't blame him..its probably more me than him anyway.But I can't really resolve this cause he's gone for the next few days, something important, but he didn't really explain what. So I guess its a surprise for me. hmm..and I just realized his birthday's on the 25th too..have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do for him though. He might not even be back by then. anyways.. don't mind the way I'm acting tonight, if you can tell from the way I'm writing..maybe you cant, but just..in a very weird mood...anyways.. not much more to write about tonight, other than kaje just said more than two words to me in the last three or four months....*sigh* anywho, I ought to go now before I start letting everything come out.

you'll get it

The longer I live, the more I realize the impace of attitudeon life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company...a chruch...a hime. The remarkable think is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is...we are in charge of our attitudes.
When you want a thing bad enough to go and fight for it, to work day and night for it, togive up your sleep and your time for it; If only the desire of it makes your aim strong enough never to tire from it, if life seems all empty and useless without it, and all that you dream and scheme is about it; if gladly you'll sweat for it, fret for it, plan for it, pray for it, all your strength for it; If you'll simply go after the thing that you want with all your capacity, strength and sagacity; Faith, hope and confidence, stern pertinacity; If neither poverty nor cold nor famish nor gaunt nor sickness of pain to body or brain can turn you away from the aim that you want; If dogged and grim you besiege and beset it, you'll get it.

Choose to remember the Ressurection not the Crucifixtion

Well, Today was Easter..I thought it was a rather good easter too. some good talks at church today, esp. since I haven't gone for a few weeks. But I think that there's some thing wrong with my camera, and it's new too! But it keeps spitting out the memory card like a toaster after I get a lot of good pictures, and when I put it back in, they're all deleted. It's done it twice, first, just after Spring break so I lost all of those pictures, and there were a lot of good ones, esp. of people I wont see for maybe another year or two. Then just today, so now all my easter pictures are gone...*sigh* but what can I do? oh well.

But anyways today was pretty good, though this morning was busy, and I never got around to finishing either of those major reports I've got. I guess for my research presentation, I've got til tuesday, and I've absolutely no idea when the other one has to be finished, I missed the day he announced. but if I'm lucky I'll be on his good side, besides, unlike several students in that school, I'm pretty good at getting a teacher to like you, or rather I know how, and that really counts for my advantage in a lot of things. they trust you more, I suppose.

Well evan took me and em to "Neverland" today...at least thats what we told Emily it was called..just the wetlands in the forest out passed Hibbard area. Of course, it has been raining all day so we were completely soaked, but I loved it all the same. A nice break.

Well, yesterday was the composition festival. I didn't wiin, but I was pretty close and got plenty of compliments.There were some really beautiful songs. Anyway, afterward, all the finals were pushed together and bombarded with camera flashes. We felt like we were suddenly famous. Now I know the true terror of paparazzi. They blinded us with all that light and left of blinking and stumbling off the stage, I'm sure it would have been hilarious to watch. On our way home, mom and I took a detour and stopped at a frozen yogurt place. I looked over the notes that the judge had put on my music. Said it was a hard choice for her between mine and the Russian dance one.
Anyways, There was some good tips there and whether or not I try again, I'll be sure to input them in later notations. I guess the main mistake with the music, that lost me a few points, was missing rests and lack of intructions, such as tempo, whether its to be played andante, moderato, alleggro, etc. and no 'a tempo' signs after the ritardando's. And simile's in places they shouldn't be. *shrug* oh well.
It was a good experience for me all the same though.


Well, not much news, or news that I'd mention here, left...

Happy Easter!!

Photo time

30 percent chance

Well, tomorrow's it...*sigh* ...At least there's only 9 people to compete against now, and if they're doing first-second-third places, then I've got a thirty percent chance, of winning something..heh...very uplifting. I'm ready enough, just don't want to face the ending.

Well, today went well I suppose, In my second hour she had this program where she taught us the ways to deal with stress and relax and such..like breathing exercises, and meditation. By then end of the class almost everyone was asleep. Which was the whole point.

Tonight is that break out party, goes til two I think, it's supposed to be awsome, but I'm probably not going. I just don't feel up to it..but Evan will most likely go, for 'hoffy' at least. Well, if all else fails, there's always the 'foam' party to go to...lol..mmhm..I don't belong there.

Lets see..anything else of significance...not really...

Secret Societies and Lemuria

Well.. the protest has now hit our area, I would have gone out with them..but I was in classes. I had several friends who went though...Cindy, and Yessenia..and a few others, of course, I don't know how welcome I'd be with the rest of them, since I'm white. But you never know.

Hmm..well...I read a few articles on the bird flu. And talked to some people, said it is a concern that it'll turn out as a pandemic..killing hundreds, and maybe thousands. I found it a lot more interesting than I thought.

anyways...so right now, I'm half writing this and half talking to my dad by messenger, He's giving me, yet again, his theories on the creation of Earth...Atlantis, Lemuria, Egypt...etc...I have to admit, he does make some very good points and some times has me believeing. All his Talk of ancient civilization and such. How we came to be..There are actually a lot of movies out there, that people take for granted as just science fiction stories, and who knows whatever else. But some of the directors really know what they’re doing, and they hide the truth..if people weren’t so stupid, if they’d just read between the lines, or even what’s in front of them, They’d know much more things. And I thought this was interesting, I watched some documentary on these secret societies…conspiracies about them and such. There was a lot of interesting things I found….now don’t worry, I won’t turn into one of those obsessed-with-conspiracy-theories people, although those people can be really wonderful people..*wink* a friend of mine thought it suspiscious when I pointed out that the majority of the American presidents are/were in some secret society, Of the few that weren’t, was Ronald Reagan, who, swore to the public that he’d investigate these..secret societies… and that he would not let a man of one be a part of his system…And the next thing you know, he’s appointed George Bush(who is in one of those societys) as vice…a month later, he gets shot and killed in a …’mysterious’ accident and Bush takes the throne. Heh..and the president even now, admits to have joined the Skulls and Bones when he was in college. And 50 of the 56 signatures on the declaration of independence were free masons, or the changed name of knights templar.
What I heard is that its believed that all of these societies are part of one big web that all connect, and even some members don’t know it themselves..and that’s what creates the illuminati. The entire web is supposed the illuminati. Free masons, trilateral commission, skulls and bones, Bilderburgs,Chatham house..ah well, cant think of the other major ones but they’re there. I mean people believe that illuminati is dead. Think about it…The statue of liberty shows it as well, by the torch in her hand. And it was given to us by France, right? And since these societies have members in all high places, it must have come from them. The dollars has the all-seeing eye, and the words ‘ Welcome the New Order of the Ages.’ NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM The illuminati in their time referred to themselves at times as the ‘new order’ of course it does say annuit coeptis and E pluribus unum. But you never know..I am not saying that I think that this ‘web’ is out to take over the world..and I am not quite sure what they plan, but they’re doing something, that’s for sure. And they seem to know a lot of things that we’re hopelessly oblivious to…hence… the ‘illuminated ones’ hey? There’s one theory that …well, to me, seems, unreasonable, but that, the reasons that several years ago the gas prices suddenly all raised was because they told the major exporting of oil countries to send just as much, but put the extra money into certain bank accounts. And in order to cover this up and make a ‘reason’ for the sudden raise, they started a war with those very same countries.

I suppose, I am a little too interested in these things, I am just curious I guess . and maybe it amuses me some times. And goes along with my interest in other religions, cultures.. *shrug*..I’d love to know what goes on in the little lair of the skulls and bones. I know it has some thing to do with a favor of the dead, worshiping the skulls and/or bones of those who are passed. And having a session on Thursday for one person to give their life’s story, and confess all their faults, and another session on Sundays where who knows what happens.. of course.. who knows how much of this is true. I just always wonder these things. These codes and messages that are hidden in plain view yet we can’t find them still. There are some who believe that there is more to the Bible if we read between the lines. I’ve read about some of their supposed findings. That’s interesting too..though, I’m not quite sure how sac religious it is …I suppose it shouldn’t matter for all the other ‘wicked’ things I’ve done. Sins I’ve committed. But at least I’m not catholic..not technically at least, as my grandmother baptized me there once a long while ago, but their rules are much more strict. I believe that it is possible to be a “color” person and be christian at the same time. Though it’s fairly rare. But I’m one of those people..but then, I’m not so straight either. I know for sure that I would never get along well with a “black and white” person..maybe friends..but I don’t know why..I just can’t get along with their ways. My stepdad is that way, and yet, mothers a color person. Openminded…Anyways, I need to get going, and this has dragged on far too long.

Well this passed weekend was incredibly....interesting...of course, I can't explain it all... or at I could but would rather not. so in a nut shell it involves a lot of things, blaming, blackmailing, saving lives, killing friendships...etc ...list could go on for ages.
So anyways, I'll not talk about that, other than that I had some of the worst moments of my life, as well as some of the best.

So, today, I took a Literature ISAT, 237 was my score, I suppose I did quite good. basic was around 203, average around 212, and advanced around 229, hm...oh well, I've got to make up for the math one some how *wink* oh, and I also get the wonderful priveledge as being the 'guinea pig' of the new Science one, which I believe includes several thing that I haven't studied for years. I've only taken an Astronomy class and am now taking a Geology class, so we'll see what happens with that.

Well, I thought I know I probably coul have done a little better on that literature one, but I've been tired a lot lately, and have been very dehydrated all day..I suppose thats what I get.

hm...well lets see, what else..well I think I did make a mistake with something, and things like this are bound to happen right and left to me. See, I have a hard time saying 'No'..it is a skill you have to teach yourself, you know. I've just not mastered it yet. One day, though, one day I will. Well anyways, I said yes to something I really didn't want to do. (this was saturday) Twice actually. And I hate backing down from something like this.
heh...I guess it makes no difference anyways as everyone believes everything they hear around here, and they've heard a lot about me. It usually just makes me laugh, but sometimes gets on my nerves. Like, for example, I heard once, that someone thought me and my friend Jenna, and another boy, had a threesome. ha! It was a little aamusing. Just means these people are much too gullible.

Of course, I can't say anything myself, I am fairly gullible too. a 'blonde' according to many. By now though, I've gotten over the stage of being extremely annoyed with that title. As long as I know the truth....and the truth is, I can be some times. I tend to have 'alzheimer lapses'...lol...no.. thats the professional word, and it's never really been diagnosed. I just mean that ON occasion, I forget some major things about me. It just vanishes from my mind, eventually, something sparks it back...but it only seems to be things about myself..like...my name, I do that a lot. especially how to spell it. lol, I know, a little funny, but what can I say, then also, my age some times. I really hate it if happens at a drastic moment " how old are you?" ah crap, not again... " umm..I'm not quite sure, ask me again in an hour or so.." it really is unfortunate when things like that happen when I'm doing baptisms for the dead..


Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.

sad huh

just a thought

well, I was thinking..about a lot of things, of course...but I won't freely give away what goes on in my mind, at least not all of it...so, a random thought; I think that aside from childbearing and obedience, A females value comes from her making bold decisions. And for an example, like Eve's decision to eat the fruit and know something. It was Adam who followed her; she was the rebel , he was the follower..and yet...it is called 'The fall of Adam'.....

Funny how it works out, hey?

know what someone told me the other day? It was pretty interesting. "...Women always say things like that, and it makes me crazy. It's as if every conversation with a woman is a test, and men always fail it, because they always lack the key to the 'code' and so I never quite understand what the conversation is really about. I wonder, if, just once, a man could understand, really comprehend the whole conversation then the perfect union between male and female would be possible, right? But instead...men and women keep cohabiting, even to love eachother, with-out ever quite crossing over the line of misunderstanding between them."
Well...that was about it, with my own improvisions, but I thought it a rather interesting point.
I won't comment anymore on it though.

well...hmm...I can't really think of anything else that I'm willing to write here for the world to see...

Change

I had planned to write a lot of 'good' things that've happened..you know...at least to give the impression that I was happy. heh...thats gone. No hope for that.. I think now...the deffinition of 'happy things' for me will change. I'll be changing now.. even in the slightest. Its just the way it'll be..I feel it already and ...I've started seeing them, they've come sooner than I thought. I knew they would.. just not so soon. but...I think the hardest thing is to control myself. my choices are, control myself, and not let instincts interfere, or get hurt trying to stop them, then failing. Either way, I lose, just one way hurts worse than the other. Shit, I've got to find somewhere else to be, its gonna be an interesting few days, weeks, or months, never can tell with them. (and of course you have to know me well to know what 'interesting' means.)

Unwanted Guest

That last one...a true story. Terrible, huh? but I have something else too.....I don't know why, I just feel like posting it as well.


Unwanted Guest/ The moments pass/and she wonders,/one more step,/one more smile,/how life would be altered./The thoughts surround her,/encompass her,/not letting her escape./The questions form,/dissipate,/and form again./She pushes them away,/begging not to hear them./Not wanting to entertain,/invite,/welcome the wonder,/she closes the door,/locks it,/and waits.../for wonder to knock /

My First Monday Night football Game

My first monday night football game

Standing in the pouring rain/
Rubber boots filling with from the water running down my legs/
the mud has covered my feet now as I slowly sink into the flowerbed/
the 3" steel pipe is humming in my numb hands/
Due to the wind blowing about the aerial attached to it/
Every few minutes it seems a crack of lightning makes me scream and release the pole/
For fear of it striking down through me into the earth/
Bever realizing I never could have let go in time to save myself/
Yet each time the lightning flashed I did and/
Each time the TV would loose its picture/
Each time my father would slam his fist against the living room wall and swear/
Fearing his wrath far more than lightning I would again grab the freezing pole/
Grounding it to the earth and the picture would return/
I stood there growing numb/
shivering with cold and fear until long agater the Game was ended/
For he had forgotten I was out there/
Until he called out that I had better be in Bed/
I was not/
When he saw the state I was in, he didn't even hit me very hard.



...makes me want to cry just reading it.

sigh

So many things have been happening, not all of them ‘bad’, it just sometimes seems like it. Why is it the bad things always drown out the good ones.
Sometimes I cant even remember the exciting things happening because every little bad thing always surfaces first.
And nothing today has helped. Right now, I can scarcely sit up, I’ve got such a bad headache because of the weather change and stress. I’ve also got a lot of stomach pain. I can’t take the stupid pills because I keep choking on them. I’ve gotten a lot of crap from people today too, and I’ve been a jerk myself today. I just cant control it right now, too much on my mind. I’ve got no where to vent either..no one really to talk to. I’ve got here of course. And btw, before I forget, I apologize for all the complaining and such I’m doing here. But everyone has to some time, and some where. If I can’t vent, if it can’t come out in words or actions, due to me not allowing it because sometimes I can’t trust myself, then it comes out in other ways. My silent tears..and I’m not afraid to admit it . I know I am a ‘cry-baby’ so just get over it, shouldn’t I? I’m also stuck here at home because there’s tornado warnings being issued everywhere, and its starts hailing stones every once and a while.

I wonder…am I really so stupid? Shall I just quit asking questions and trying to convince myself otherwise and just start believing it? Its true isn’t it? I am stupid, I am an idiot. That’s all there is to it, hey? A stupid beast, isn’t it? Just talk right over me please, as though I’m not there, after all, I wouldn’t understand anyway, right?

You know, surprisingly, suicide hasn’t once popped up for quite a while. And it isn’t no either. It really doesn’t come over stupid little things, believe it or not. I’ve usually got fairly good reasons for thinking it. More than I show, because some can’t be put it words. That is why I sometimes think I am mad. But I suppose there are some things that a ‘madman’ couldn’t do that I can..I don’t know…
There are so many things I’d love to mention right now…good things.. I guess. More of exciting..but I’ll only mention, not explain. I’m not so much in the mood for it, and I do need to lay down, I’m getting dizzy, laying down only helps, though, if you have quiet, but that wont happen, I’ll be called off to do something else, or to get the ‘traditional’ blaming….oh well, its life.
Well one thing, the festival/concert/ competition thing is Saturday, ugh, exciting yet, I’m not sure I want to go.
And not to long ago I saw something, new, that was exciting, but I can’t get it to come back again…*shrug*. I did apoligize for the complaining didn't I?