Monday, January 15, 2007
The Great Below
"Not only is another world possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing."
Arundhati Roy
Sad....
Something I find rather sad...
My youngest step sister stopped by the kitchen to get something to eat and told me she was watching a "Texas Roadhouse" marathon. So I asked this...rather young girl...if she reall ought to be watching a show like that.
Now, I've never actually seen the show, I've just heard things about it.
Anyway, she proceeded to defend the supposed acceptability for a girl of her age to watch a series like that. One line that sticks out in my mind, "Oh, but there's nothing bad in it. Like nobody getting raped or anything" "Oh?" "Well, I mean...there are some murders...but that's not that bad, and some of them are on accident." ....WHA? Are you trying to tell me, that someone killing another person isn't just as bad as someone raping a person? Someone killing someone else isn't as bad as say... lying?
Honestly speaking...Killing is just as bad, if not worse than a rape. AND in any case, they are both terrible! I don't know who on earth would tell a child that killing is "not that bad"......She's completely desensitized to death, violence, murder, racism, killing, war, rape, insanity, torture, to the extent that it hardly fazes her. Which could possibly be useful if she ever decides to become the most lonely, yet best soldier later in life....but I don't think that's her life goal. It's just kind of sad.....these things.....just sad. "Every revolutionary ends up either by becoming an oppressor or a heretic."--Albert Camus "A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?"-- Jane Wagner "If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." --'The Trumpet of Conscience'-Martin Luther King Jr.
My youngest step sister stopped by the kitchen to get something to eat and told me she was watching a "Texas Roadhouse" marathon. So I asked this...rather young girl...if she reall ought to be watching a show like that.
Now, I've never actually seen the show, I've just heard things about it.
Anyway, she proceeded to defend the supposed acceptability for a girl of her age to watch a series like that. One line that sticks out in my mind, "Oh, but there's nothing bad in it. Like nobody getting raped or anything" "Oh?" "Well, I mean...there are some murders...but that's not that bad, and some of them are on accident." ....WHA? Are you trying to tell me, that someone killing another person isn't just as bad as someone raping a person? Someone killing someone else isn't as bad as say... lying?
Honestly speaking...Killing is just as bad, if not worse than a rape. AND in any case, they are both terrible! I don't know who on earth would tell a child that killing is "not that bad"......She's completely desensitized to death, violence, murder, racism, killing, war, rape, insanity, torture, to the extent that it hardly fazes her. Which could possibly be useful if she ever decides to become the most lonely, yet best soldier later in life....but I don't think that's her life goal. It's just kind of sad.....these things.....just sad. "Every revolutionary ends up either by becoming an oppressor or a heretic."--Albert Camus "A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?"-- Jane Wagner "If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." --'The Trumpet of Conscience'-Martin Luther King Jr.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Testimonials
"Melissa says: January 14, 2007 This girl came into the world on her own timeline, with eyes that see more than most and the desire to be different. She is a bright shining star who chose to be here among us pebbles, so we can see how brilliance is formed, close up. Oh, do I love her." Aren't mother's wonderful? They have the ability to change your life forever in just a few words.
Jump
Don't surrender your loneliness
so quickly
Let it cut more deeply
Let it ferment and season you
as few human
or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
has made my eyes so soft... My voice
So tender,
My need of that which is deprived of me
That Absolute
Clear
with me always
but never see
Avoiding ?
glance. Gone from me.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Friday, January 12, 2007
Monday, January 08, 2007
Just Listen...
It was a beautiful morning today. They said it's supposed to rain, but the skies are this brilliant limpid blue.
Lying in bed, with the sun's rays just beginning to touch my face, I started thinking... About everything I'm grateful for, about all my blessings...Being grateful for being able to be grateful. Being able to love that radiant sun, and appreciate it's awesome power, despite whether it's destructive or not.
Of course, about that time...reality starts to slink in again with its black tentacles. But I'm trying to be optomistic about it. Hey, I'm learning to trust myself, I'm getting much MUCH better at trusting. There's just a lot of big decisions...changes... I have to make soon. I'm dreading, yet hopeful. They'll turn out how they're supposed to...just have to put faith in that.
I just need to listen...just listen. As well as keep any external forces from penetrating my 'bubble' while I'm trying to listen so as to avoid any outside influence....because, we don't want to make any mistakes now, do we? "Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right." --Isaac Asimov
Lying in bed, with the sun's rays just beginning to touch my face, I started thinking... About everything I'm grateful for, about all my blessings...Being grateful for being able to be grateful. Being able to love that radiant sun, and appreciate it's awesome power, despite whether it's destructive or not.
Of course, about that time...reality starts to slink in again with its black tentacles. But I'm trying to be optomistic about it. Hey, I'm learning to trust myself, I'm getting much MUCH better at trusting. There's just a lot of big decisions...changes... I have to make soon. I'm dreading, yet hopeful. They'll turn out how they're supposed to...just have to put faith in that.
I just need to listen...just listen. As well as keep any external forces from penetrating my 'bubble' while I'm trying to listen so as to avoid any outside influence....because, we don't want to make any mistakes now, do we? "Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right." --Isaac Asimov
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Mad world
I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad...that the dreams in which I'm dyin' are the best I've ever had...
Is it true
Is it true.. sometimes it's okay to cry? Is it true that it makes everything better, makes you feel better?
OMAR!
"Diyarbakir, Turkey is a city where Kurds rule the streets but the Turks dictate the law. The Kurdish people in this south east Turkish city do not enjoy the same freedoms as their counterparts do further down south. In the Kurdish region of Iraq, the Kurdish flag flies high and many murals around the cities of Arbil and Dohuk tell stories of the Kurds. If any Kurd made a similar attempt in Turkey to document Kurdish history, they would be incarcerated. In the eyes of the Turkish Government, being a Kurd in Turkey is not a good thing.
I had the opportunity to walk the alleys of Diyarbakir, which are beautiful and haunting. These alleys are where the poor live and where I felt welcomed the most. The residents of these alleys go out of their way to make visitors feel welcomed and safe. Naturally, you can find the usual city scammer although this is not the norm here. Diyarbakir is a fairly large city with many historic sites that are a source of local pride. One of these is an immense wall that separates the alleys from the wealthier part of the city.
One of the locals that I will remember the most is Omar, the bell boy at Class Hotel. This is one of the only hotels in Diyarbakir claiming to offer Wi-fi where it actually works. Omar is a devout Muslim with nothing but love in his heart for all human beings including people he’s only just met, like me. He dreams of becoming an English teacher, but making only $120 a month with a family of six makes that very difficult. There is no time for school, only work. He asked me to tell everyone back in the states that not all Muslims are evil terrorists. I promised him I would, but could not guarantee the results.
It was very difficult for me to sit back and watch a healthy, intelligent man with so much potential catering to the rest of society which seemed to have no appreciation for him or his efforts. I did not want to waste another moment, so that same day my travel companion Regan and I purchased a laptop computer. We showed up at the hotel and put the computer on the counter. Omar looked at it, thinking we were simply showing off our computer. When Regan and I explained to Omar that it was for him to keep, to study hard and become a teacher, he did not know what to do. With tears in his eyes, he promised that he will become an English teacher. "
--By Walt Gaya http://www.michaelyon-online.com/wp/omars-side-of-the-wall.htm
I had the opportunity to walk the alleys of Diyarbakir, which are beautiful and haunting. These alleys are where the poor live and where I felt welcomed the most. The residents of these alleys go out of their way to make visitors feel welcomed and safe. Naturally, you can find the usual city scammer although this is not the norm here. Diyarbakir is a fairly large city with many historic sites that are a source of local pride. One of these is an immense wall that separates the alleys from the wealthier part of the city.
One of the locals that I will remember the most is Omar, the bell boy at Class Hotel. This is one of the only hotels in Diyarbakir claiming to offer Wi-fi where it actually works. Omar is a devout Muslim with nothing but love in his heart for all human beings including people he’s only just met, like me. He dreams of becoming an English teacher, but making only $120 a month with a family of six makes that very difficult. There is no time for school, only work. He asked me to tell everyone back in the states that not all Muslims are evil terrorists. I promised him I would, but could not guarantee the results.
It was very difficult for me to sit back and watch a healthy, intelligent man with so much potential catering to the rest of society which seemed to have no appreciation for him or his efforts. I did not want to waste another moment, so that same day my travel companion Regan and I purchased a laptop computer. We showed up at the hotel and put the computer on the counter. Omar looked at it, thinking we were simply showing off our computer. When Regan and I explained to Omar that it was for him to keep, to study hard and become a teacher, he did not know what to do. With tears in his eyes, he promised that he will become an English teacher. "
--By Walt Gaya http://www.michaelyon-online.com/wp/omars-side-of-the-wall.htm
Friday, January 05, 2007
Four letter word
I feel the need to write about the four letters I wrote on my flash paper on New Year's Eve. F E A R Seems to be a regular topic around here, huh? Yes, and the reason being, it's a creature I really struggle with. Have struggled with my entire life. Don't we all? This four letter word is virtually the only thing that holds me down. When I lit the paper and it vanished...it did seem to lift a weight off my shoulders. Although it did not make the fear magically disappear, it did help me in the way that works best for me, the way I can benefit (learn) more from. That is...leaving the fears, but adding bravery. Adding courage, strength, optomism....hope. "The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature." --Anne Frank "If your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from
others without thinking evil of them." --Mohandas K. Ghandi (aka (picky people)Gandhi...GAHN-DEE :) )
others without thinking evil of them." --Mohandas K. Ghandi (aka (picky people)Gandhi...GAHN-DEE :) )
Poetry you can dance to
He whose head is in love's shade/ Beneath his feet will be paradise/ He whose head is in love's shade
Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow/ My shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow
With your head in love's shade come, my shadow/ With your head in love's shade come, my shadow/ Let my feet walk upon paradise, come my shadow/ Let my feet walk upon paradise, come my shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow
That friend who is like a fragrance /Whose language is like Urdu/ She is my evening and night, my universe/ She is my friend, my beloved, beloved/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow
Sometimes a hidden flower flaunts itself,/ If it lets off a fragrance then it comes into view/ Wear it like a sacred amulet, it will be like a religous verse/ Sometimes a hidden flower flaunts itself,/ If it lets off a fragrance then it comes into view/ Wear it like a sacred amulet, it will be like a religious verse
That friend who is like a spiritual leader/ She is my melody, she is my Quranic verse/ My melody, melody, my Quranic verse, Quranic verse/ My melody, melody, my Quranic verse, Quranic verse/ She walks like the morning dew, underneath her feet heaven moves/ Sometimes the tree branches, sometimes the leaves I search for traces of her in the air
With your head in love's shade come, my shadow/ With your head in love's shade come, my shadow/ Let my feet walk upon paradise, come my shadow/ Let my feet walk upon paradise, come my shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow
I am the admirer of her beauty, she is a wanderer like the daylight and shade/ She changes the color of her radiance, I am the barterer of color and beauty/ I am the barterer of color and beauty
He whose head is in love's shade, beneath his feet will be paradise/ Evening and night, my universe, that friend is my beloved, beloved/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow
With your head in love's shade come, my shadow/ With your head in love's shade come, my shadow/ Let my feet walk upon paradise, come my shadow/ Let my feet walk upon paradise, come my shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow
That friend who is like a fragrance/ Whose language is like Urdu/ She is my evening and night, my univers/e She is my friend, my beloved, beloved/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow/ My shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow
--"Chaiyya, Chaiyya" -A.R.Rahman (sorry... I'm obsessed :P)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=MLPuBHqm3Os
Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow/ My shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow
With your head in love's shade come, my shadow/ With your head in love's shade come, my shadow/ Let my feet walk upon paradise, come my shadow/ Let my feet walk upon paradise, come my shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow
That friend who is like a fragrance /Whose language is like Urdu/ She is my evening and night, my universe/ She is my friend, my beloved, beloved/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow
Sometimes a hidden flower flaunts itself,/ If it lets off a fragrance then it comes into view/ Wear it like a sacred amulet, it will be like a religous verse/ Sometimes a hidden flower flaunts itself,/ If it lets off a fragrance then it comes into view/ Wear it like a sacred amulet, it will be like a religious verse
That friend who is like a spiritual leader/ She is my melody, she is my Quranic verse/ My melody, melody, my Quranic verse, Quranic verse/ My melody, melody, my Quranic verse, Quranic verse/ She walks like the morning dew, underneath her feet heaven moves/ Sometimes the tree branches, sometimes the leaves I search for traces of her in the air
With your head in love's shade come, my shadow/ With your head in love's shade come, my shadow/ Let my feet walk upon paradise, come my shadow/ Let my feet walk upon paradise, come my shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow
I am the admirer of her beauty, she is a wanderer like the daylight and shade/ She changes the color of her radiance, I am the barterer of color and beauty/ I am the barterer of color and beauty
He whose head is in love's shade, beneath his feet will be paradise/ Evening and night, my universe, that friend is my beloved, beloved/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow
With your head in love's shade come, my shadow/ With your head in love's shade come, my shadow/ Let my feet walk upon paradise, come my shadow/ Let my feet walk upon paradise, come my shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow
That friend who is like a fragrance/ Whose language is like Urdu/ She is my evening and night, my univers/e She is my friend, my beloved, beloved/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow/ My shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow/ Come, my shadow, shadow, shadow, shadow
--"Chaiyya, Chaiyya" -A.R.Rahman (sorry... I'm obsessed :P)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=MLPuBHqm3Os
Cryin'
I need to stop seeing these things. It's only building the guilt and only creating the very doubt I've been trying to escape from all along.
I mean, I've realized that the real reason I'm here right now is unknown to me. I can't explain it, I don't understand it. I just know I have to be here. No matter how hard life is here, no matter what I'm sacrificing for it. I'm really sacrificing a lot just to follow this feeling. Just to follow instinct.
A lot of times I'm just miserable here. Alone. And feeling guilty for everyone I've let down, or left behind, or hurt...all of these people that I feel responsibility for making their lives better, easier, happier......But for once, I am just trying to do something for myself. I know it doesn't seem like I'm treating myself to anything, but really truly I am...because for once, I'm taking the steps I should have been taking all along. I'm finally teaching myself how to have faith. How to trust. Not trust just anyone, I have a bit of a problem in trusting too easily....but the one person I've not been able to all this time is myself. I'm learning to trust myself. So no matter how hard it is, I'm not going to go back. No matter how ridiculous it seems...me leaving so much for something I can't see yet...I'm not going back. Not giving up.
"Faith is not belief. Belief is passive. Faith is active." --Edith Hamilton
"I have one life and one chance to make it count for something . . . I'm free to choose what that something is, and the something I've chosen is my faith. Now, my faith goes beyond theology and religion and requires considerable work and effort. My faith demands -- this is not optional -- my faith demands that I do whatever I can, wherever I am, whenever I can, for as long as I can with whatever I have to try to make a difference." --Jimmy Carter
"A person will worship something, have no doubt about that. We may think our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will out. That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming" -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"If your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from others without thinking evil of them." --Mohandas K. Ghandi
I mean, I've realized that the real reason I'm here right now is unknown to me. I can't explain it, I don't understand it. I just know I have to be here. No matter how hard life is here, no matter what I'm sacrificing for it. I'm really sacrificing a lot just to follow this feeling. Just to follow instinct.
A lot of times I'm just miserable here. Alone. And feeling guilty for everyone I've let down, or left behind, or hurt...all of these people that I feel responsibility for making their lives better, easier, happier......But for once, I am just trying to do something for myself. I know it doesn't seem like I'm treating myself to anything, but really truly I am...because for once, I'm taking the steps I should have been taking all along. I'm finally teaching myself how to have faith. How to trust. Not trust just anyone, I have a bit of a problem in trusting too easily....but the one person I've not been able to all this time is myself. I'm learning to trust myself. So no matter how hard it is, I'm not going to go back. No matter how ridiculous it seems...me leaving so much for something I can't see yet...I'm not going back. Not giving up.
"Faith is not belief. Belief is passive. Faith is active." --Edith Hamilton
"I have one life and one chance to make it count for something . . . I'm free to choose what that something is, and the something I've chosen is my faith. Now, my faith goes beyond theology and religion and requires considerable work and effort. My faith demands -- this is not optional -- my faith demands that I do whatever I can, wherever I am, whenever I can, for as long as I can with whatever I have to try to make a difference." --Jimmy Carter
"A person will worship something, have no doubt about that. We may think our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will out. That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming" -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"If your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from others without thinking evil of them." --Mohandas K. Ghandi
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Let's Hold the Sun
Don't you ever feel like...you just want to go out and do everything they say is 'impossible'...?
"Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world." --Nelson Mandella (46664!! something new I learned)
"All things change; nothing perishes." --Ovid
"If your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from others without thinking evil of them." --Mohandas K. Ghandi
سُورَة الفَاتِحَه
بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيمِ
الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ
الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّح ِيمِ
مَالِكِ يَوْمِ الدِّينِ
إِيَّاكَ نَعْبُدُ وَإِيَّاكَ نَسْتَعِينُ
اهْدِنَا الصِّرَا طَ الْمُسْتَقِيمَ
صِرَاطَ الَّذِينَ أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَيْهِمْ غَيْ رِ الْمَغْضُوبِ عَلَيْهِمْ وَلاَ ضَّالِّينَ
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Where's the camera?
Reading what my mother wrote about our little week together... I began really thinking, changing. Her words nearly brought me to tears. It's everything I've meant to say, but haven't gotten as far as learning the words to express it with. She's just so talented. And she says she wants to be me when she grows up??
But she's right...about everything... The streams, the lights, the trees...the hills, the river, the narrow, winding roads..the memories. We kept saying... "Let's take more pictures!" "More pictures!" "Get the camera!" "Where's the camera?" "Just tell me to stop the car when you see something good.." And yet... we managed to get distracted in one way or another causing us to end up with only goofy pictures of us eating, or unexpecting...and videos of us singing to songs we don't know, and pretending like we know how to dance....But above all, left us with the bittersweet knowledge that it's our secret memories, no photograph could capture.
Her writing that...was just the little push I needed to get out of my own "withdrawl"... " 'I have done that,' says my memory. 'I cannot have done that' -- says my pride, and remains adamant. At last -- memory yields." --Nietzsche "We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations..... ......There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom...." --Anais Nin "Then, without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day; of course, you achieve quite a lot in the course of time. Anyone can do this, it costs nothing and is certainly very helpful. Whoever doesn't know it must learn and find by experience that a quiet conscience makes one strong." --Anne Frank "If your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from others without thinking evil of them." --Mohandas K. Ghandi
But she's right...about everything... The streams, the lights, the trees...the hills, the river, the narrow, winding roads..the memories. We kept saying... "Let's take more pictures!" "More pictures!" "Get the camera!" "Where's the camera?" "Just tell me to stop the car when you see something good.." And yet... we managed to get distracted in one way or another causing us to end up with only goofy pictures of us eating, or unexpecting...and videos of us singing to songs we don't know, and pretending like we know how to dance....But above all, left us with the bittersweet knowledge that it's our secret memories, no photograph could capture.
Her writing that...was just the little push I needed to get out of my own "withdrawl"... " 'I have done that,' says my memory. 'I cannot have done that' -- says my pride, and remains adamant. At last -- memory yields." --Nietzsche "We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations..... ......There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom...." --Anais Nin "Then, without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day; of course, you achieve quite a lot in the course of time. Anyone can do this, it costs nothing and is certainly very helpful. Whoever doesn't know it must learn and find by experience that a quiet conscience makes one strong." --Anne Frank "If your heart acquires strength, you will be able to remove blemishes from others without thinking evil of them." --Mohandas K. Ghandi
Reminds me..
I'm writing you to catch you up on places/ I've been You held this letter/ probably got excited, but there's nothing else inside it didn't have a camera/ by my side this time/ hoping I would see the world with both my eyes/ maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm/ in the mood to lose my way/ with words Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliche'/ And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky/ are next to mountains anyway Didn't have a camera by my side this time/ Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes/ Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm/ in the mood to lose my way/ but let me say You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes/ it brought me back to life/ You'll be with me next time I go outside/ just no more 3x5's Guess you had to be there/ Guess you had to be with me Today I finally overcame/ tryin' to fit the world inside a picture frame/ Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to/ lose my way but let me say You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes/ it brought me back to life/ You'll be with me next time I go outside/ just no more 3x5's/ no more 3x5's --song by John Mayer
"Why am I telling you this?"
"Last night I was uploading the photos from my trip to Tennessee and there are some giant gaps in what is portrayed versus those things I will remember. Mostly, my daughter and I took turns taking shots of each other, probably because neither of us likes our picture taken, and the only way to prevent that is to be the one with the camera :-P
But what about that tumbling mill stream on the way up to Astrid's place? And the way the light hit the trees, and the rolling hills, and the river. And the Tennessee fencelines, and the barns and the narrow twisty roads. The light is different there, softer, diffuse, warmer.
And the incongruity of Christmas lights when the lawns are still green, and the time we got lost in Loudon county, and how near the trashy trailer folk live to my friends' gorgeous new lakefront home. I don't really have a photo of me and Paul together, and only one of Astrid. None of Judi, or James or Tracey or Diane or Virginia. Just lots of silly ones of Juliana eating and Paul's daughter playing dress-up. None of the sunsets or the kooky old buildings tucked away between the commercial areas, none of Diane's hand-dyed silk scarves or the lush colors in her home.
I know why, though. Awhile ago someone here said something to me about standing in the middle of my life and truly feeling it. Experiencing every nuance, the smells and the energy of the moment, immersing myself rather than observing it. And that's what I've been doing. I don't really need photographs for those moments, because I'll never forget them. It means it's harder to share with others, but really, how do you share that joy? I hope that each of my dear friends has a multitude of moments like that every day, experiences that are so precious and vivid you will never forget them.
I felt so washed by the millions of tiny instants of pure light this last week that I sort of crashed yesterday in withdrawal from them. Everything hurt more without them there, and I know I overreacted to Emily's rejection of me when I got home. And the duality of having pieces of my mother heart scattered across such a long distance, I can scarcely bear it, especially realizing it's going to be much longer in duration than I had hoped. But even in that dissonance, there is joy. I'm kind of odd about pain; it's so very close to ecstasy for me. And in this way, I know it means that my emotions are running very deep, and that is in truth a measure of how I've managed to open up and let things flow I'd always held contained before.
On New Year's Eve, I sat with three other women and chose words to write on flash paper. I chose really hard words to burn; it took a bit of time to work my courage up to form the letters. But I did it, and lit it, and it flashed so bright and brief, not so much as an ash left to fall in the bowl. As if it's so easy to let go of doubt, and uncertainty, and hesitation. There's a really giant empty space inside me where they resided; I hadn't realized they took up so much room. And just like I did after burning man, I feel fragile but strong in holding open that space for something important, in not filling it with anything unintended, in not allowing others to fill it for me. So maybe that's it, this insecure hollowness inside. I need to feel braver about what I choose. I have some ideas, but I'm ---- oh god, I burned that, didn't I?"
But what about that tumbling mill stream on the way up to Astrid's place? And the way the light hit the trees, and the rolling hills, and the river. And the Tennessee fencelines, and the barns and the narrow twisty roads. The light is different there, softer, diffuse, warmer.
And the incongruity of Christmas lights when the lawns are still green, and the time we got lost in Loudon county, and how near the trashy trailer folk live to my friends' gorgeous new lakefront home. I don't really have a photo of me and Paul together, and only one of Astrid. None of Judi, or James or Tracey or Diane or Virginia. Just lots of silly ones of Juliana eating and Paul's daughter playing dress-up. None of the sunsets or the kooky old buildings tucked away between the commercial areas, none of Diane's hand-dyed silk scarves or the lush colors in her home.
I know why, though. Awhile ago someone here said something to me about standing in the middle of my life and truly feeling it. Experiencing every nuance, the smells and the energy of the moment, immersing myself rather than observing it. And that's what I've been doing. I don't really need photographs for those moments, because I'll never forget them. It means it's harder to share with others, but really, how do you share that joy? I hope that each of my dear friends has a multitude of moments like that every day, experiences that are so precious and vivid you will never forget them.
I felt so washed by the millions of tiny instants of pure light this last week that I sort of crashed yesterday in withdrawal from them. Everything hurt more without them there, and I know I overreacted to Emily's rejection of me when I got home. And the duality of having pieces of my mother heart scattered across such a long distance, I can scarcely bear it, especially realizing it's going to be much longer in duration than I had hoped. But even in that dissonance, there is joy. I'm kind of odd about pain; it's so very close to ecstasy for me. And in this way, I know it means that my emotions are running very deep, and that is in truth a measure of how I've managed to open up and let things flow I'd always held contained before.
On New Year's Eve, I sat with three other women and chose words to write on flash paper. I chose really hard words to burn; it took a bit of time to work my courage up to form the letters. But I did it, and lit it, and it flashed so bright and brief, not so much as an ash left to fall in the bowl. As if it's so easy to let go of doubt, and uncertainty, and hesitation. There's a really giant empty space inside me where they resided; I hadn't realized they took up so much room. And just like I did after burning man, I feel fragile but strong in holding open that space for something important, in not filling it with anything unintended, in not allowing others to fill it for me. So maybe that's it, this insecure hollowness inside. I need to feel braver about what I choose. I have some ideas, but I'm ---- oh god, I burned that, didn't I?"
--Written by...Melissa Cameron...my mother.
Ohne Dich
Ich werde in die Tannen gehen/
Dahin wo ich sie zuletzt gesehen/
Doch der Abend wirft ein Tuch aufs Land/
und auf die Wege hinterm Waldesrand/
Und der Wald er steht so schwarz und leer/
Weh mir, oh weh/
Und die Vögel singen nicht mehr/
Dahin wo ich sie zuletzt gesehen/
Doch der Abend wirft ein Tuch aufs Land/
und auf die Wege hinterm Waldesrand/
Und der Wald er steht so schwarz und leer/
Weh mir, oh weh/
Und die Vögel singen nicht mehr/
Ohne dich kann ich nicht sein/
Ohne dich/
Mit dir bin ich auch allein/
Ohne dich/
Ohne dich zähl ich die Stunden ohne dich/
Mit dir stehen die Sekunden/
Lohnen nicht/
Auf den Ästen in den Gräben/
ist es nun still und ohne Leben/
Und das Atmen fällt mir ach so schwer/
Weh mir, oh weh/
Und die Vögel singen nicht mehr/
Ohne dich kann ich nicht sein/
Ohne dich/
Mit dir bin ich auch allein/
Ohne dich/
Ohne dich zähl ich die Stunden ohne dich/
Mit dir stehen die Sekunden/
Lohnen nicht ohne dich/
--Rammstein
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
So Many Lessons
Okay...why haven't I......Juliana, why hasn't she written anything on the new year...? Does it even exist? Is it just another day....?
No...It is the fact that these couple days have been so hard for me. Emotional-wise....and in a good way. There is so much feeling in me...so much sacred feeling inme that I cannot even begin to write it. I have decided to keep it precious and keep it in me.
But I will say this...Thinking back on the the year, I weep. I weep for the world, the people, myself. Weep because of all the magnificence, the beauty, the incredible and perfect unvierse we live in. It is so amazing to me the way things come together. The way lives come together. The way we can count on the sun always rising, the moon always shining. We can always count on everything coming together as it should.
Of all times to be at a loss for words, it is now. And I honestly would rather not say even if I could muster the words. But I truely can't describe how I feel, all the memories...all the good and bad. Mistakes... or were they? Such large decisions to make.
At least I can say this... it was indeed the most important, memorable, challenging, fantastic, horror-filled, sentimental and above all wonderful year of my life yet.
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." -- Albert Einstein
No...It is the fact that these couple days have been so hard for me. Emotional-wise....and in a good way. There is so much feeling in me...so much sacred feeling inme that I cannot even begin to write it. I have decided to keep it precious and keep it in me.
But I will say this...Thinking back on the the year, I weep. I weep for the world, the people, myself. Weep because of all the magnificence, the beauty, the incredible and perfect unvierse we live in. It is so amazing to me the way things come together. The way lives come together. The way we can count on the sun always rising, the moon always shining. We can always count on everything coming together as it should.
Of all times to be at a loss for words, it is now. And I honestly would rather not say even if I could muster the words. But I truely can't describe how I feel, all the memories...all the good and bad. Mistakes... or were they? Such large decisions to make.
At least I can say this... it was indeed the most important, memorable, challenging, fantastic, horror-filled, sentimental and above all wonderful year of my life yet.
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." -- Albert Einstein
But the comforting smell...
Waking up this morning... to an empty bed, a clean room...silence...cold. No sign left. No ruffled sheets, no suitcases, no car, no trace, no goodbye...nothing. I didn't think it would hit me so hard. I didn't realize I had been living in a mirage for the passed week. Just a dream?
How perfect it had felt.
But I wasnt left with nothing... of course not, and that's a wonderful feeling. "If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change." --Buddha "Before you were conceived/ I wanted you/Before you were born/ I loved you/Before you were here an hour/ I would die for you/This is the miracle of life." --Maureen Hawkins "The moment when you first wake up in the morning is the most wonderful of the twenty-four hours. No matter how weary or dreary you may feel, you possess the certainty that, during the day that lies before you, absolutely anything may happen. And the fact that it practically always doesn't, matters not a jot. The possibility is always there." --Monica Baldwin
How perfect it had felt.
But I wasnt left with nothing... of course not, and that's a wonderful feeling. "If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change." --Buddha "Before you were conceived/ I wanted you/Before you were born/ I loved you/Before you were here an hour/ I would die for you/This is the miracle of life." --Maureen Hawkins "The moment when you first wake up in the morning is the most wonderful of the twenty-four hours. No matter how weary or dreary you may feel, you possess the certainty that, during the day that lies before you, absolutely anything may happen. And the fact that it practically always doesn't, matters not a jot. The possibility is always there." --Monica Baldwin
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