Reminder #15

Everyday can be a resurrection if one wants to face one's self.

Curious

When a man describes his incredible connection to his child while rocking her to sleep... what makes it so much more touching when it comes through sign language of a deaf man?

Surviving

We go to work and come home tired, eat and go to bed... and do it again and again and again and again. Don't take my word for it, because I don't have much experience, but really... I am so terrified that I'll end up in this cycle.
The majority of people in the world, as far as I've observed, are in jobs that they hate, or at least the job hates them...and yet they stick with the monotony just to survive. So that they can eat every day and sleep comfortably (almost).
That's all life is... it's just... get a job, any job, hopefully the best paying job, so that you can survive. That is such a sick joke. You don't get much time to spend with people you love, to build relationships, to have fun, to laugh, to travel, not even much time to spend getting to know yourself...Toooo busy trying to survive.

What's the point of this though? Like....Life is incredibly boring if you think about it. It should be switched around... you shouldn't have to work for a year so that you can take a couple day vacation. It should be, you explore life and the world, and then go work when you feel like it.

Okay, yea you can have a shitty job and still think your getting to experience life at it's fullest... but that's kind of an illusion, yes, maybe you get some, but it's nothing compared to if you just went free.
There is a small percentage of the world that does have a job that they love and that allows them to have all of these things, but it's small. No one, NO ONE wants a job that they hate or that holds them back... so why do so many people settle for that?
I dunno... just doesn't make sense to me. I swear... if I end up in a cubicle 9 hours a day... I would rather NOT survive. I would rather eat multicolored insects and wild onions every day and sleep on hard concrete under the stars every night...

Seriously....whats the point in living if you're just trying to survive?

What makes something evil?

What makes something evil?

Who decides these things?

For example, in religions like Christianity and Judaism and Catholicism etc etc. SEX is horrible. Like, you're going to hell for it. Genitals practically don't exist at all until you need to bear a child, then it becomes a chore. And you can clearly see the outcome of the supression... it becomes evil because of the suppression...those stories of priests etc. But in other religions, usually ones who have kept with more ancient ideas, it seems like it was celebrated.

Example number 2, drugs and alcohol. Okay... they were put here for a pupose... and the purpose is not as sinister as people are being told. They are not here to "tempt" us into doing evil things and going to hell. Drugs can send you to hell, but only if drugs ARE your hell. Honestly, hell is what you make it. I mean, they're here for medicinal purposes, alcohol too. Medicinal purposes, whether to fix a physical ailment or just to give you some pleasure or happiness. How do I know? Because it works. If that's not what it was meant for then it wouldn't work.

These things only become "evil" when they cause you to hurt someone else. When you drink too much alcohol and then get in your car to drive home, THAT is evil. THAT is going to send you to hell. But there are so many more cases of people drinking a little for a social thing, and being responsible by taking a cab home then there are of people drunk driving.... you just only hear the bad ones. Marijuana is evil when you get high and then try to push someone off a cliff cause you think they could fly. But there are a lot more cases of it curing something than killing something.

So, this doesn't make sense to me. Sex supposedly feels good, it's amazing and spiritual and from how people have tried to describe it to me, it's a feeling that's impossible to describe. People risk their LIVES jumping out of planes over and over again just to get that rush of adrenaline and copulents that you can also get from sex. Anyway, if it's so amazing then why do they say it's evil? Why does it send you to hell? Like I said before... it only becomes evil when it's abused. When it's used to hurt someone else.

I mean really, you have a right to do anything you want with yourself and your soul. If you wanna drink all the time, and you're educated in the longterm effects of heavy drinking, then by all means, go ahead and hurt yourself. No one can tell you you're wrong for doing that until it begins to hurt someone else. It's just like killing yourself. It's not a crime, it's not going to make you hell-bound, because you can do whatever you want to yourself. Pablo Picasso thrived on the turmoil that he caused the women (whom he hate and madly adored) in his life. The pain and misery is what fueled him and his art. So if you want to get into an unstable, dysfunctional relationship, you're parents can't damn you to hell for that.

But this is where it gets complicated.

If I'm a mother, and I choose to heavily drink all the time, it is hurting my children emotionally. If I choose to kill myself through any means, it will hurt my mother. If you kill someone, it's hurting them, whether they deserved it or not. But what about death row? What happens to the guy who's job it is to inject the fatal cocktail, does he go to hell? Picasso hurt his lovers so much, but... they chose to stay with him as long as they did as well, so who's hurting who? It's so confusing. Yea, I made some pretty bold statements about what is evil and what isn't... But the world is so much more complicated, and impossible to understand. Our minds are INCAPABLE of understanding the way life and death works.

So what really is evil? Is it just someone's opinion? They always say there is good and evil, and it has to be that way for there to be balance... but do we really know what good is and what evil is?

"There is only one good, knowledge, and one evil, ignorance." -Socrates

My favorite song at the moment

Sari discoveries.

I've recently discovered a few things about sari's.

You really need to be able to carry yourself upright and in a sleek manner to pull off wearing a sari as a non-indian and actually look good (not awkward) (Also, need to know how to drape it properly :p).

You also need to be aware that if you're young and amazingly beautiful such as myself... :) ...and you wear a sari in public (esp. in america), rather than detest you for seemingly being a wannabe, local pakistanis and indians' eyes will inevitably be drawn to you and they'll oogle their hearts out and possibly ask for an autograph.

And one more thing... "western" (still can't use it without parenthesis) women seem to walk much much differently than indian women. Could be the jeans, or such a fast paced... everything. But wow, sari's teach me.... IT'S OKAY TO STROLL.

:)

Purpose

I was just thinking..
How American... how the "western" thought process is.
Question Question Question. Skepicism. Cynical. Purpose.
This is all general, of course... but
we can't do something just for the sake of doing it. We have to ask, why? Why should I do this? What do I get out of this? What's the payoff?

For example... someone I know went to thailand at some point and somehow managed to get this very prestigious buddhist monk guy to teach him. It was very very lucky because this guy didn't speak english and had always refused to instruct any "westerner's" previously. Anyway... I wont go into much detail.. but he had my friend do a lot of this gruesome meditation stuff. Very difficult. Eventually, my friend was about to give up...He went and asked the monk "Why am I doing this?" "What am I getting out of this?" And the monk just laughed at him, because he knew that his thailand students would never ever even think of questioning him. And it was one reason he never taught westerners.

Anyway... in some ways it's an asset. The cautiousness and such keep you out of trouble in some situations. But... when you think about it... maybe it came from materialism. You have to get something in return or it's just no point.

Well, was just thinking about it.
I'm gonna start meditating just to meditate.

White Elephant: noun. a possession that is unwanted by its owner.

Been studying Hills Like White Elephants for the passed 2 weeks. Almost an hour an a half every day just dissecting it, analyzing it. My teacher (who thinks he's a professor)... Told us on the first few days to read it and take it home and annotate it. So... I read it once, then wrote a couple lame questions in the margins.

When he finally decided to bring it up in class.... I was... ugh, it's such a boring pointless story that doesn't even make sense because you can't even tell who's talking when. But he did his socratic thing and suddenly everyone in the class wasn't bored anymore. It only tooka couple clever questions to make me want to read that story again so badly.

So I went and read it a second time. And it was really strange. It was an entirely different story than I'd read the first time. This time, I filled the margins and circled words and drew arrows all over the pages. Since then, we've been having discussions about this 3 page story as a class (We actually weren't told the title til later, so that we wouldn't think to look it up online). It's been really interesting. I mean, sometimes you can really over-analyze and read too much into these things but we've been good about avoiding that. A complete transformation. This story is probably one of my favorites as of yet.

But this post isn't about analyzing this story. It's just about that experience. I think I liked that experience more than the actual story! It was just amazing what I found out about writing, symbolism, transformation, assumtions, things I found out about myself and about what can be.

• "Of course it does. But I don't want anybody but you. I don't want any one else. And I know it's perfectly simple."
• "Yes, you know it's perfectly simple."
• "It's all right for you to say that, but I do know it."
• "Would you do something for me now?"
• "I'd do anything for you."
• "Would you please please please please please please please Stop talking." --from Hills Like White Elephants, Ernest Hemingway

Reminder #14

BREATHE!!!!!!

Anger RAawrrrr

:(
I saw a very sad thing today. (I already tweeted it :p )
:(
I was walking down the road, and a car drove passed and I saw a man hitting and punching something in the passenger seat. So, I looked and there was a girl hunkered down in the passenger seat :( I couldn't tell how old she was, adult or teenager. This man, is driving and beating this girl at the same time. What a way to multi-task.

What do you do with something like that? Take down the lisence plate and call it in? I mean... nothing... absolutely nothing.
It got me thinking though. There are a LOT of angry people in this neighborhood. Or maybe I'm just noticing it lately.
For example, there's a few faculty at the school that I somehow circuitous-ly found out later had gotten pink slips and there last day is the 23rd of april. They are especially grumpy and mean and impatient lately. I smile at them and they growl at me.
Also, the other day, I was walking a few blocks back to my house and there was a woman screaming and cussing into her cell phone as she walked behind me. She crossed the four lane road and I could still hear her screaming angrily all the way home (Now, I dunno.. but, it seems like yelling at somebody through a phone for an hour wouldn't be quite as effective....).
Another day, I was walking and saw some guy yelling at some other guy saying something about money and saying "fucking" every other word.

Anyway... there's too much anger around here. Public stunts like those too. Maybe it's a city thing i'm just not used to, or maybe just a low-income neighborhood thing, or maybe there is some other reason...
I don't know. But...people should just be happy. They would be so much... happier...if they'd just be happy.


"If you want to be happy, be." ~Leo Tolstoy

Demeter

YAY Sooo Spring Equinox was yesterday. But I'm pretending it's sunday, because that's when I'm celebrating. And you know... Sacramento is perfect. It was a little cold all week, but yesterday, it was nice and warm :)

Flowers are blooming and we've got them in vases all over the house. Aaaahhhh spring. Winter was so horrible. Even without the snow, it was sloooowww and depressing. Of course, that could be for other reasons too but.... ugh, what is it about winter?

Anyway, doesn't matter now, I can breathe (despite the allergies :p ) now.

Spring Equinox always reminds me of Demeter and Persephone. There was this one story I had to translate from Latin to English in my Latin class a long time ago. I can't remember it exactly, but I know it explains why the seasons exist and it's sad. Something about....

Once upon a time, Demeter (the goddess of agriculture) blah blah, and Perseophone had to marry Hades and blah blah. Hades took Persephone to live with him in the Underworld. Blah blah blee. Demeter was too sad and just let all the crops die and the people of the earth were begging her to let their crops grow back so she got help from Zeus and He-blah blah to get her daughter Persephone back home. Demeter went to get her daughter blah blah made a deal with Hades blah blah pomegranite blah. Persephone was bound to spend 6 months of the year with her mother and 6 months in the Underworld with Hades. Everytime Persephone goes to Hades, Demeter gets too sad and lets all the crops die...and when Persephone comes home, Demeter is happy and makes the flowers grow :) Thus explains the seasons.

aaaahh... I'm such a good story-teller.

'Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"' ~Robin Williams

Pink slips flying all around

Why isn't education a priority in this country??

That really bothers me.

We're just reaching the peak of this "recession", or rather... lowest of the low, so it's going to hit me hard next year trying to get into college. SOoooo many factors will be working against me simply because of the budget cuts. The major thing I have going for me is that I'm faaar from middle class and even farther from upper....ironically, that's what'll save me (people WANT to give poor people scholarships :P ).

Why cut the most funding to schools and universities? It just doesn't make sense. An apres moi le deluge thing (been dying to use that phrase :) ). Don't care that this country will die if the next generation isn't educated enough to take care of it. Don't care that the education system was created in the 50s, and is now holding students back from the advances in knowledge that the world has made. Money money money. Well... everything should be free. At least education and healthcare. If you're gonna spend money somewhere shouldn't it be there?

:( just makes me sad for this country.... So proud of being The Best, and yet we're sooooo far behind other parts of the world.

hmmph.

Reminder #13

You don't have to conform.


(heh.. been reading Emerson)

When things fall apart

I don't remember exactly the name of the person who conducted this experiment (it's hard to remember names given to me by word of mouth), but anyway... maybe I'll add it later if I can figure it out. So, it went like this... Babies of each sex were set up in front of a big tv screen with lots of colorful patterns playing on it. There was a string attached to their wrist that was also attached to the on-off switch for the tv. The babies would get excited about the colors and patterns they were watching and move their arms around, then the tv would turn off when they pulled the string attatched to their wrist. They studied how long it took the babies to figure out that whenever the tv turned off, all they had to do to turn it back on was wave their arms around.
Then, they set up a new experiment with the same babies. This time, once the babies turned the tv off, it couldn't be turned back on.
What they really were testing for was how do babies react when things "fall apart".
The interesting thing about it was that after the tv turned off, most of the baby boys would focus hard on that string and continue to pull it over and over again, seemingly determined to make it work, to turn the tv back on, to fix it. Most of the baby girls on the other hand.... gave up and started to cry (of course, for a baby, this is the most effective way to get help).

Anyway... okay, so it doesn't say much for me, being female.

:) But luckily, as we grow, despite what are tendencies are, we can choose our strategy of dealing when things fall apart. We're more aware of the other options. When we're older, we can think, "okay, what exactly is the problem here?" "is this fixable?" "Does it need to be fixed, or just needs some attention?" and what strategy is going to do something for the initial problem.

The thing I always seem to forget is that there are more "strategies" than just the ones that are easy for me. That I should choose it based on the problem, not based on what i feel like doing. Like in Pema Chodron's (a female monk) book (which I've never read, but I heard this story), i'll shorten it, basically, there's a vicious temple dog loose coming straight for them, ready to attack. Rather than running away, they run towards it, and it gets scared and goes away. So... If I chose the strategy of "Denial", it probably wouldn't be the best tactic in a problem like that.

Sometimes, I've got to run straight into the fear, difficulties..etc. I guess it just depends on the problem. Over all, I think I just need to stop taking myself so seriously. I'm a pretty laid back person, but sometimes, c'mon....this is ridiculous, why am i making it so serious? Just laugh.

"Life itself is more like a river than a rock. Life is in flux, it changes, twists and turns, ebbs and flows. When a river encounters a boulder, the boulder may win for a while. But eventually, even the most massive stone is worn away by the currents of time....learn to swim in the river rather than climb out of it onto the rock." --Rev. Doug Kraft

Rose Day playlist

The Scientist - Coldplay ( of course :) )
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Amie - Damien Rice
Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's
Ache - James Carrington
Do you Realize? - The Flaming Lips
Falling for you - Jem
Julia - The Beatles (John Lennon)
The Past and Pending - The Shinns
Better Days Will Come - Tahiti ( ? )
Clocks - Coldplay
Goodnight and Go - Imogene Heap
Crazy On You - Heart
What You're Thinking - Cristopher Jak
Work - Jimmy Eat World
Us - Regina Spektor (...because you don't like her voice, I'm putting this one in ;) oh, and that it's all about Us immortalizing our love for eachother and spreading it to the world :* )
Hey Jude - The Beatles
You're Beautiful - James Blunt
Young Folks - Peter, Bjorn, and John
Chaiyya chaiyya - A. R. Rahman ( just.... because :p )
Green Eyes - Coldplay
Blue - LeeAnn Rimes
Tear Drop - Massive Attack
Maria - ALO
Drops of Jupiter - Train
Let Go - Frou Frou
Five For Fighting - Superman
A Message - Coldplay
Konstantine - Something Corporate
When the Sun Goes Down - Charlie Mars
Collide - Howie Day
Desert Rose - Sting
Maps - Yeah yeah yeahs
I want you - Massive Attack
Hang on Little Tomato - Pink Martini
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots - Flaming Lips
Isis - Bob Dylan
Romeo and Juliet - The Killers (Dire Straits cover)
Love You Madly - Cake



Feel free to add, subtract, adjust or praise... :)

Majnun just can't stop

Every breeze that blows, brings your scent to me; Every bird that sings, calls out your name to me; Every dream that appears, brings your face to me; Every glance at your face, has left its trace with me. I am yours, I am yours, whether near or far; Your grief is mine, all mine, wherever you are. (103)

"Because I understood him, I didn't have to understand his poem..."

Let's eat cold rice

lie in each other's arms

run like lil mice

away from all the harms.

Let's eat cold rice

lie in each other's arms

run like lil mice

away from all the harms.

Let's eat cold rice

lie in each other's arms

run like lil mice

away from all the harms.

Why are you laughing?

That is just what you lack

Just keep on running,

Don't forget to come back.

Reminder #12

You need a healthy sense of self before you can lose your sense of self.

Almost Lover

I came across this song (actually twilight obsessed fan told me it was on the song list for new moon...).
I've listened to it numerous times since I discovered it, I don't even know why. It's such a sad song. It makes my heart hurt.
It's sad.... but a good sad.

Reminder #11

Use what seems like poison as medicine.

Suffering.

There's this thing that tibetan buddhists practice called Tong-len.
It's an amazing experience (especially if you do it with a large group).
Basically, you meditate on all of the suffering in the world. All of the stuff that makes you cringe or feel guilty that you're not doing anything about it. All of that horrible stuff that people in the world have to go through that you'd rather not think about.

Breathe in the suffering. Breathe out love.

The point is, to face all of it. Instead of avoiding the suffering and pain to seek the pleasure, go against the grain. To overcome the fear of suffering. To overcome our ego. To wake up our extremely large capacity to be compassionate.
Your heart can hold it all, all of the suffering in the world. Maybe your brain can't and definitely your stomach cannot hold it... but your heart IS big enough for all of it and then some.





"The basic thing is that everyone wants happiness, no one wants suffering. And happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors. If your own mental attitude is correct, even if you remain in a hostile atmosphere, you feel happy." -- H.H. The Dalai Lama

Even more of Majnun...

Every breeze that blows, brings your scent to me; Every bird that sings, calls out your name to me; Every dream that appears, brings your face to me; Every glance at your face, has left its trace with me. I am yours, I am yours, whether near or far; Your grief is mine, all mine, wherever you are. (103)

Hunting and Gathering

Some one enlightened me on...some...thing....

We...as in humans.... were hunters and gatherers for millions of years. A long time to adapt to that way of life.
So if I'm ever unhappy with the way life is going right now.... I just have to think. It's only been in the last several hundred years that we've moved on to be agriculture-ists to industrial to post industrial...and now.... whatever you call this 21st century living. A relatively short time for us to evolve and adapt.
Our hunting and gathering days required maybe 3-4 hours of healthy work a day. And we lived with nature, and a part of the earth, and none of this toxic stuff filling our lungs and stomachs these days.

So of course, there's a reason why I have trouble adjusting to the unnatural demands of the 21st century.

okay, it's just a theory....

:P or an excuse.






"I am dying from the treatment of too many physicians." --Alexander the Great

Reminder #10

Truth without love is not truthful. Love without truth is not loving.

Inclusive

I didn't speak until I was 2 years old, and my first words were "Evan, stop that right now!" Obviously, I could speak, but I chose to stay silent and have my brother talk for me most of the time from 1 to 5. I grunt, he says, "Jules is hungry" "Jules needs water" "Jules wants this..."

As I grew, I'd talk a bit more, but still lived in my own world, doing strange things, that made sense in my head, but not to anyone else. Eventually, when I wanted/needed to tell my mother about something... I'd write her a letter. Too hard to express myself through speaking. Either that, or... I might break down and cry in front of her. Can't have that.

And in the past few years...I've found myself clinging to one person, and pouring my soul out. Trying to open myself up to the world. Being visibly vulnerable. Some times I dont like what I find, and some times it's liberating.

People used to say that my closing myself to the world...was just who I am.

But now people can say that I just open myself in my own ways, art, music, writing, (clinging to one person :p ). And what I can say, is that I'm still experimenting. I've got one life to live, and I want to explore.

Some people, they open up for the purpose of helping someone else. Some open up with the thought that they can manipulate someone into being a better person. But that is not what it is about. Opening yourself up to others is for your benefit. And through doing this for yourself, it will benefit others as well.

"An open heart is fierce"