When things fall apart

I don't remember exactly the name of the person who conducted this experiment (it's hard to remember names given to me by word of mouth), but anyway... maybe I'll add it later if I can figure it out. So, it went like this... Babies of each sex were set up in front of a big tv screen with lots of colorful patterns playing on it. There was a string attached to their wrist that was also attached to the on-off switch for the tv. The babies would get excited about the colors and patterns they were watching and move their arms around, then the tv would turn off when they pulled the string attatched to their wrist. They studied how long it took the babies to figure out that whenever the tv turned off, all they had to do to turn it back on was wave their arms around.
Then, they set up a new experiment with the same babies. This time, once the babies turned the tv off, it couldn't be turned back on.
What they really were testing for was how do babies react when things "fall apart".
The interesting thing about it was that after the tv turned off, most of the baby boys would focus hard on that string and continue to pull it over and over again, seemingly determined to make it work, to turn the tv back on, to fix it. Most of the baby girls on the other hand.... gave up and started to cry (of course, for a baby, this is the most effective way to get help).

Anyway... okay, so it doesn't say much for me, being female.

:) But luckily, as we grow, despite what are tendencies are, we can choose our strategy of dealing when things fall apart. We're more aware of the other options. When we're older, we can think, "okay, what exactly is the problem here?" "is this fixable?" "Does it need to be fixed, or just needs some attention?" and what strategy is going to do something for the initial problem.

The thing I always seem to forget is that there are more "strategies" than just the ones that are easy for me. That I should choose it based on the problem, not based on what i feel like doing. Like in Pema Chodron's (a female monk) book (which I've never read, but I heard this story), i'll shorten it, basically, there's a vicious temple dog loose coming straight for them, ready to attack. Rather than running away, they run towards it, and it gets scared and goes away. So... If I chose the strategy of "Denial", it probably wouldn't be the best tactic in a problem like that.

Sometimes, I've got to run straight into the fear, difficulties..etc. I guess it just depends on the problem. Over all, I think I just need to stop taking myself so seriously. I'm a pretty laid back person, but sometimes, c'mon....this is ridiculous, why am i making it so serious? Just laugh.

"Life itself is more like a river than a rock. Life is in flux, it changes, twists and turns, ebbs and flows. When a river encounters a boulder, the boulder may win for a while. But eventually, even the most massive stone is worn away by the currents of time....learn to swim in the river rather than climb out of it onto the rock." --Rev. Doug Kraft

Rose Day playlist

The Scientist - Coldplay ( of course :) )
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Amie - Damien Rice
Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's
Ache - James Carrington
Do you Realize? - The Flaming Lips
Falling for you - Jem
Julia - The Beatles (John Lennon)
The Past and Pending - The Shinns
Better Days Will Come - Tahiti ( ? )
Clocks - Coldplay
Goodnight and Go - Imogene Heap
Crazy On You - Heart
What You're Thinking - Cristopher Jak
Work - Jimmy Eat World
Us - Regina Spektor (...because you don't like her voice, I'm putting this one in ;) oh, and that it's all about Us immortalizing our love for eachother and spreading it to the world :* )
Hey Jude - The Beatles
You're Beautiful - James Blunt
Young Folks - Peter, Bjorn, and John
Chaiyya chaiyya - A. R. Rahman ( just.... because :p )
Green Eyes - Coldplay
Blue - LeeAnn Rimes
Tear Drop - Massive Attack
Maria - ALO
Drops of Jupiter - Train
Let Go - Frou Frou
Five For Fighting - Superman
A Message - Coldplay
Konstantine - Something Corporate
When the Sun Goes Down - Charlie Mars
Collide - Howie Day
Desert Rose - Sting
Maps - Yeah yeah yeahs
I want you - Massive Attack
Hang on Little Tomato - Pink Martini
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots - Flaming Lips
Isis - Bob Dylan
Romeo and Juliet - The Killers (Dire Straits cover)
Love You Madly - Cake



Feel free to add, subtract, adjust or praise... :)

Majnun just can't stop

Every breeze that blows, brings your scent to me; Every bird that sings, calls out your name to me; Every dream that appears, brings your face to me; Every glance at your face, has left its trace with me. I am yours, I am yours, whether near or far; Your grief is mine, all mine, wherever you are. (103)

"Because I understood him, I didn't have to understand his poem..."

Let's eat cold rice

lie in each other's arms

run like lil mice

away from all the harms.

Let's eat cold rice

lie in each other's arms

run like lil mice

away from all the harms.

Let's eat cold rice

lie in each other's arms

run like lil mice

away from all the harms.

Why are you laughing?

That is just what you lack

Just keep on running,

Don't forget to come back.

Reminder #12

You need a healthy sense of self before you can lose your sense of self.

Almost Lover

I came across this song (actually twilight obsessed fan told me it was on the song list for new moon...).
I've listened to it numerous times since I discovered it, I don't even know why. It's such a sad song. It makes my heart hurt.
It's sad.... but a good sad.

Reminder #11

Use what seems like poison as medicine.

Suffering.

There's this thing that tibetan buddhists practice called Tong-len.
It's an amazing experience (especially if you do it with a large group).
Basically, you meditate on all of the suffering in the world. All of the stuff that makes you cringe or feel guilty that you're not doing anything about it. All of that horrible stuff that people in the world have to go through that you'd rather not think about.

Breathe in the suffering. Breathe out love.

The point is, to face all of it. Instead of avoiding the suffering and pain to seek the pleasure, go against the grain. To overcome the fear of suffering. To overcome our ego. To wake up our extremely large capacity to be compassionate.
Your heart can hold it all, all of the suffering in the world. Maybe your brain can't and definitely your stomach cannot hold it... but your heart IS big enough for all of it and then some.





"The basic thing is that everyone wants happiness, no one wants suffering. And happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors. If your own mental attitude is correct, even if you remain in a hostile atmosphere, you feel happy." -- H.H. The Dalai Lama

Even more of Majnun...

Every breeze that blows, brings your scent to me; Every bird that sings, calls out your name to me; Every dream that appears, brings your face to me; Every glance at your face, has left its trace with me. I am yours, I am yours, whether near or far; Your grief is mine, all mine, wherever you are. (103)

Hunting and Gathering

Some one enlightened me on...some...thing....

We...as in humans.... were hunters and gatherers for millions of years. A long time to adapt to that way of life.
So if I'm ever unhappy with the way life is going right now.... I just have to think. It's only been in the last several hundred years that we've moved on to be agriculture-ists to industrial to post industrial...and now.... whatever you call this 21st century living. A relatively short time for us to evolve and adapt.
Our hunting and gathering days required maybe 3-4 hours of healthy work a day. And we lived with nature, and a part of the earth, and none of this toxic stuff filling our lungs and stomachs these days.

So of course, there's a reason why I have trouble adjusting to the unnatural demands of the 21st century.

okay, it's just a theory....

:P or an excuse.






"I am dying from the treatment of too many physicians." --Alexander the Great

Reminder #10

Truth without love is not truthful. Love without truth is not loving.

Inclusive

I didn't speak until I was 2 years old, and my first words were "Evan, stop that right now!" Obviously, I could speak, but I chose to stay silent and have my brother talk for me most of the time from 1 to 5. I grunt, he says, "Jules is hungry" "Jules needs water" "Jules wants this..."

As I grew, I'd talk a bit more, but still lived in my own world, doing strange things, that made sense in my head, but not to anyone else. Eventually, when I wanted/needed to tell my mother about something... I'd write her a letter. Too hard to express myself through speaking. Either that, or... I might break down and cry in front of her. Can't have that.

And in the past few years...I've found myself clinging to one person, and pouring my soul out. Trying to open myself up to the world. Being visibly vulnerable. Some times I dont like what I find, and some times it's liberating.

People used to say that my closing myself to the world...was just who I am.

But now people can say that I just open myself in my own ways, art, music, writing, (clinging to one person :p ). And what I can say, is that I'm still experimenting. I've got one life to live, and I want to explore.

Some people, they open up for the purpose of helping someone else. Some open up with the thought that they can manipulate someone into being a better person. But that is not what it is about. Opening yourself up to others is for your benefit. And through doing this for yourself, it will benefit others as well.

"An open heart is fierce"

Even more of Laila...

Meanwhile, Layla holds their love quietly so none will know
she lived between the water of her tears and the fire of her love . . .
Yet her lover's voice reached her. Was he not a poet? No tent curtain was woven so closely as to keep out his poems. Every child from the bazaar was singing his verses; every passer-by was humming one of his love-songs, bringing Layla a message from her beloved . . . -- p. 40

Refusing suitors, she writes answers to his poems and casts them to the wind.
It happened often that someone found one of these little papers, and guessed the hidden meaning, realizing for whom they were intended. Sometimes he would go to Majnun hoping to hear, as a reward, some of the poems which had become so popular. . . .
Thus many a melody passed to and fro between the two nightingales, drunk with their passion. -- p. 41

40

Happy new year world!

I haven't really felt the excitement in any holiday this year.. especially thanksgiving, christmas, and new years. Not sure why... preoccupied maybe?

Anyway, yesterday was a great day. A friend of mine turned 40...and we went all out to make the day, and night, hers. She got some glamour shots done, and I didn't realize how much fun I'd have just watching her. She really was beautiful.

And after that she got herself a "build-a-bear". It's one of the best things I've ever heard of :D You pick out a skin, then you go and fill it with stuffing, and pick out a little heart, kiss it and make a wish and stick it inside. Then you sew it back up and go pick out clothes and/or accesories for it. After all of it, you get a birth certificate with the name! Why haven't I done this yet??

We then got her some new pajamas and had a slumber party. Really, only 4 showed up... but it was fun anyway. We had all this stuff planned for the night until midnight, but none of it happened... really, we did almost nothing :)

Anyway, the point is. The woman is turning 40! I dont know how it is in the rest of the world, but generally here in the US, everyone dreads the "big 4- 0". My aunt cried the whole week leading up to it! Why?? What's wrong with 40? My friend... she was so excited and looking forward to it. Because she's so confident in herself, she looked gorgeous and felt fabulous, and 40 meant something wonderful rather than horrible.

Well, it was just an inspiration...

Guilt or Remorse

Guilt or is it remorse? or what is the difference if there is any at all?
One thing for sure is that if you don't ever feel any, then you're a psychopath.

I've been thinking about the difference between the two and how to deal with it as well.
I think the difference is that with guilt, you're a bad person doing a bad thing. Remorse comes from a good person who did a bad thing. Someone told me once that I just need to look inside and figure out whether I am the good person or the bad person. But of course... everyone's the good person (at least, I'd like to think that under all the bad, there's some good...).
And anyway, what do we call that unnecessary guilt? The kind that some feel so deeply but can't step far enough away to see that there's no sense in it? Or that diffused kind that we just throw around "i'm sorry's" every which way for?

So, how do I/we/s/he make it go awaaaayyy...???
Well, there is one way. It seems as though it would be obvious, but we dont think of it because we're trained to suck it in, be a man, get over it (which leaves us with a couple generations plagued with ulcers).
Anger.
Guilt is directed inside of us, while anger lashes out. Whether it's in a relationship (what could I have done better) or some unnecessary guilt.... As soon as you feel anger about it, the guilt disappears and you can't even see why you'd ever have felt it was your fault. Don't be afraid of feeling anger. After that, no one can be angry forever. Even though anger can be so passionate... I believe it's a weaker emotion as compared to guilt, easily disposed of.

So, transformation. Transform guilt into anger, and anger into joy.

I'm not a big fan of anger, but it's something I could bear if it meant getting away from guilt. And as for escaping the remorse and guilt you deserve to feel....Well, really, the only way to leave it in the past and move on is through forgiveness. Forgiveness from the hurt, the victims...which most definitely includes yourself.



"Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death." --Coco Chanel

Reminder #9

The first step to loving yourself is forgiving yourself.

How to capture joy...

I've come to the conclusion that only I can make myself happy...So I've found 4 things to consider when searching for (and holding on to that) joy...

Here they are...

First, is your Body. Take care of your body and be aware of what is and is not normal for it. Be aware of its functions and keep it balanced. Simple as that.

And that leads right into the second thing... Present. Be fully aware of the present. No regretting, no worrying about the future. Think about the present only...well you can't really think about it, but you can think about the second after...close enough. It reminds me of a movie I saw a while back, can't remember what it was. Anyway, There was a part the girl asked the guy how he knows all these things about her, if he can read her mind or something. He just said he listens and pays attention... and notices. That's all. Just enjoy the present. Enjoy the smells and the sounds you hear. Be aware of the things you're feeling and your body is doing...breathing, your heart beating. Listen. Notice.

The third thing is... RELAX. Just relax... It's simple really. Simple and common sense. BREATHE. Why be so tense? Even when something is upsetting, just breathe. I heard someone say once that anxiety is just excitement without oxygen. So true :)

And the last thing... of course is.....Smile. I've found if you can make yourself smile... negativity just melts away. Smile and laugh. It works wonders.

After all this.... there's joy.

I just have to remember that Joy is formless. I can't hold onto it, try as i might. Holding on to physical things trying to make them make you happy is just a mess. Counterfeit joy equals mild hysteria. So the bad thing about joy is that you can't hold on to it, but one of the best things about it is that... it can arise anywhere.

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present" -- ...okay, so i heard it on kung fu panda.... :p

Shinto solstice...

...They were all cast into darkness and confusion. Their Sun Goddess, Amaterasu, had been driven out of the sky into a cave by her mischievous brother. All of the sky gods and goddesses went to the cave trying to lure her out. The waved their scarves and sang,

Amaterasu, bearer of light.

We stub our toes, we bump our nose

in this gloomy night.

Amaterasu, bearer of light.

Enlighten us, please brighten us

with your lovely sight.

But it didn't work.

Maybe she couldn't hear them?

So all the earth gods and goddesses came to help. They beat the earth like drums and sang with the others...

Amaterasu, bearer of light.
We stub our toes, we bump our nose
in this gloomy night.
Amaterasu, bearer of light.
Enlighten us, please brighten us
with your lovely sight.

But it didn't work.

Maybe she STILL couldn't hear them.

So all of the water gods and goddesses came to help. They danced and twirled and sang along with the others....

Amaterasu, bearer of light.

We stub our toes, we bump our nose

in this gloomy night.

Amaterasu, bearer of light.

Enlighten us, please brighten us

with your lovely sight.

Finally, Amaterasu heard. She wondered what all this celebrating out side was and peeked out of her cave. She saw the singing and dancing and drumming and joy... and flew all the way back into the sky...

Amaterasu, bearer of light.
Enlighten us, please brighten us
with your lovely sight.

(song lyrics, original by Doug Kraft of UUSS)

Reminder #8

How can I build on what I already started?

Advent inspirations

I was thinking about patience and waiting a lot lately. Wondering what I'm waiting for... how long do I have to wait? Wait wait wait. I'm bored of waiting... how much longer?

But then I realized.... Waiting is not passive.

Why do I think that because I'm waiting, it's okay to do nothing else? There is absolutely no reason why I shouldn't be doing, acting, moving, as a part of waiting. Because that's what it is... It is intertwined with waiting.

Waiting is definitely not passive.


"All human wisdom is summed up in two words - Wait and Hope." --Alexandre Dumas

Laila and majnun again

Majnun knocked on Leyla's door.
"Who's there?"
"It is I."
"Go away. There is no room here for you and I."
Majnun retreated to the forest, meditated for a long time, and then returned.
"Who is it?"
"It is you."
The door opened.

The magic of listening

Our waitress' hair flipped through the air as she whirled off to serve another impatient customer. My mother gasped and asked if Web and I had seen "that".
"What?"
The girl had tattoos behind each of her ears... little hearts or something, couldn't quite make it out. Mama touched her right ear and tears started welling up in her eyes... then tears started spilling out of mine. Webba, of course, had to ask what the fuss was about.

The crazy fluctuation of hormones during my mother's pregnancy with me, caused the oteosclerosis disorder that she has to manifest itself. This caused her to lose hearing in the ear... but she could still hear through her skull. Obviously, not well though. The disorder unbeknownst to them, people became intimidated because of her peircing blue eyes, staring so intently at their lips while they talked. Over the years, it depressed her and ultimately lead to a lot of sorrow for various reasons. Of course, I've always connected myself to the cause, even though I know it could've happened at puberty or menopause or even her prgnancy with my brother.

It was only a couple years ago that she finally got the money to have the surgery done to correct this disorder as much as possible (a short term relief and not perfect, but better than hearing through your skull). Even though there are tones that she'll never hear again, it changed her life completely. She became herself. No longer listening through the vibrations of the wooden dance floor, she can appreciate the music she loved so much more in such a different way.

Webba started to cry. We cried because my mother finally found what she was looking for. The thing that changed her life.... The thing that meant enough to her to make it permanently known to the world. That bone behind her ear... is the only way she could hear anything for some 13 years. Immediately I began sketching an intricate design involving a treble clef and a B flat.




"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
—Samuel Langhorne Clemens

Handfasting

I have decided that I want this one day. It's a beautiful ceremony, and has been around for ages and ages. The tradition is to have the handfasting each year on your anniversary, as that is the "expiration date" (but it's not exactly necessary). It's renewed each year assuming that you both wish to hold on to the relationship and turns out sort of as a reassurance to eachother every year, or if you've had rough times, a good time to start over. I've only just now got my hands on how the vows generally go...A friend of my mom's just had hers. A peppermint red and white one. Reading them is almost as good as witnessing it.

"Know now before you go further, that since your lives have crossed in this life you have formed ties between each other. As you seek to enter this state of matrimony you should strive to make real, the ideals which give meaning to both this ceremony and the institution of marriage.
With full awareness, know that within this circle you are not only declaring your intent to be handfasted before your friends and family, but you speak that intent also to your creative higher powers.
The promises made today and the ties that are bound here greatly strengthen your union; they will cross the years and lives of each soul's growth."

"Do you still seek to enter this ceremony? "
"Yes, We Seek to Enter."
"In times past it was believed that the human soul shared characteristics with all things divine. It is this belief which assigned virtues to the cardinal directions; East, South, West and North. It is in this tradition that a blessing is offered in support of this ceremony.

Blessed be this union with the gifts of the East. Communication of the heart, mind, and body Fresh beginnings with the rising of each Sun. The knowledge of the growth found in the sharing of silences.
Blessed be this union with the gifts of the South. Warmth of hearth and home The heat of the heart's passion The light created by both To lighten the darkest of times.
Blessed be this union with the gifts of the West. The deep commitments of the lake The swift excitement of the river The refreshing cleansing of the rain The all encompassing passion of the sea.
Blessed be this union with the gifts of the North Firm foundation on which to build Fertility of the fields to enrich your lives A stable home to which you may always return.

Each of these blessings from the four cardinal directions emphasizes those things which will help you build a happy and successful union. Yet they are only tools. Tools which you must use together in order to create what you seek in this union."

"I bid you look into each others eyes."

"[Groom's Name], Will you cause her pain?" "I May"
"Is that you intent?" "No"
"[Bride's Name], Will you cause him pain?" " I may"
" Is that you intent?" " No"
*To Both* "Will you share each other's pain and seek to ease it?" " Yes"
"And so the binding is made. Join your hands" *First cord is draped across the bride and grooms hands*

"[Bride's Name], Will you share his laughter?" "Yes"
"[Groom's Name], Will you share her laughter?" "Yes"
*To Both* "Will both of you look for the brightness in life and the positive in each other?" "Yes"
"And so the binding is made." *Second chord is draped across the couples hands*

"[Bride's Name], Will you burden him?" "I may"
"Is that you intent?" "No"
"[Groom's Name], Will you burden her?" "I may"
"Is that your intent?" "No"
*To Both* "Will you share the burdens of each so that your spirits may grow in this union?" "Yes"
"And so the binding is made." *Drape third chord across the couples hands*

"[Bride's Name], will you share his dreams?" "Yes"
"[Groom's Name], will you share her dreams?" "Yes"
*To Both* "Will you dream together to create new realities and hopes?" "Yes"
"And so the binding is made." *Drape fourth chord across the couples hands*

"[Groom's Name], will you cause her anger?" "I may"
"Is that you intent?" "No"
"[Bride's Name], will you cause him anger?" "I may"
"Is that your intent?" "No"
*To Both* "Will you take the heat of anger and use it to temper the strength of this union?" "We Will"
"And so the binding is made." *Drape fifth chord across the couples hands*

"[Bride's Name], Will you honor him?" "I will"
"[Groom's Name], Will you honor her?" "I will"
*To Both* "Will you seek to never give cause to break that honor?" "We shall never do so"
"And so the binding is made." *Drape sixth chord across the couples hands*

*Tie chords together while saying:* "The knots of this binding are not formed by these chords but instead by your vows. Either of you may drop the chords, for as always, you hold in your own hands the making of breaking of this union."
*Once chords are tied together they are removed and placed on altar*

Reminder #7

It's usually best to choose love over fear.

Si Se Puede!

Jambo Rafiki!

okay.. that's the extent of my Swahili (Half of which I give credit to Disney). I tried.

I am very very happy now. And I think that this very very important and incredible event is just the motivation I needed to start posting here again.

Yes! Obama won. Unbelieveably so...when I finally went to bed, it was at 338 electoral votes (while mccain had yet to reach 140). I consider it a movement. My country is relatively young, but there are younger who have already conquered the obstacle of....ugh, how to word it? Okay, for example, (and not to be a stereotypical american in saying this) Pakistan has already had a woman prime minister (and may she rest in peace). Pakistan of all places. Why does america, the so-called welcoming melting pot of cultural diversity and acceptance, still struggle so much with ridiculous things such as racism and sexism?

Anyway, my point is, I am taking this as a giagantic leap. Yes, he's the first African American president, but he's much more than that. I think he symbolizes not just "tolerance" but acceptance and embracing of the groups of people who have had to fight for so long for their rights and freedoms as human beings in this country. African Americans as well as women as well as gays (although that last one... according to california, needs to fight a bit longer :( ).

It's just a beautiful thing to see in this country, I think.

Beyond all of that...Obama is an amazing person. He understands that he may be over his head, he understands what he's getting into. He can unite even the people who voted against him. He's a very intelligent and open-minded person, and... man! can he speak! I dont know if it was just all the chaos of this election coming to an end, or what, but I found his speech very moving and extremely genuine. Genuine.

(so cute, watch... :D http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NblCBtk6H-U)

"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. " --Sen. Barak Obama