decisions...

...decisions decisions DECISIONS!

that's all I ever have to do!!

"Choices are the hinges of destiny." --Edwin Markham

just thinkin...

I love the way... after a night of rain...the morning brings the thickest fog. You can't hardly see 3 feet in front of you...But...you can smell the sweet smell of the ozone...and through the fog you can see the little dew drops on magnificent webs. Spiders seem to love this vulnerable time. When your senses are confused by all the beauty, it's easy to fall into the trap.

Yellow is Hope

I was thinking...

My life is in such an odd spot.

Overall, I think there is one word that can describe what my life is, at least what it is right now...and that's "hope".

That's really all it is, all that makes it up, through and through...no exaggeration...

I am hope, everything I do or think or say is hope.

Every next thought I have is in some way connected to hope, and though it seems in a distant manner, it is so close to really being hope that it's hardly distinguishable.

Alright, that made no sense...What I'm trying to say is...

I feel like I dont have anything right now, all I have is hope. So being hope may not be such a good thing in some cases, but a fabulous thing in others....See...I am not living in the moment in the sense that... I am not here, I am there...drowning in hopes. I hope for this and that to happen...but nothing is within my reach. Everything that I hope for is beyond it... so I just have to wait...'til the one thing that will boost me closer comes. But waiting, leaves me daydreaming. I wont get anything done, nothing to the best of my ability, because my thoughts are not here, they are there. The funny thing is, there's nothing that can be done about it. Unless of course, I can some how morph the hope into some kind of incentive to actually focus. I know I need to focus, but I just don't want to.... Because when I dwell in my world of hopes, I smile. I laugh. I am excited. Never do I feel better. I think about next spring... going to Sacramento...new slate...everything I want to learn...everything I want to accomplish....everything I want to see and do...everyone I want to meet. The list continues...on and on...but I dont expect things to go quite as I hope...after all, nothing ever does. And that just adds to the anticipation. Risk, curiosity, mystery, never know what's gonna happen....even though I seem to get into a lot of bad luck...each time, I learn something. And yes, slowly but surely I am teaching myself how to deal, how to cope, how to be happy no matter what, how to not care what anyone else in the world thinks...things will get better, things will get happier, things will be perfect!

"But sometimes math is even more magical. Like when you toss a couple numbers in the crucible of a function box, and no one sees what goes on in there, but they come out the other side, they are multicolored dancing digits of phenomenal cosmic power.....Just sometimes one and one turn out to be worth more together than you would imagine." -- My teacher, The Melissa

Oh my, that moon! I smell change on the wind....

Well, today seemed to be no different than any other average day. Except my tummy hurt a bit... Damn that full moon.

Teachers pushing your limits...Seeing just how far you can go, and giggling all the while. No mercy, I tell you, none. Must be a full moon.

It was actually a rather quiet day...Seems like most everyone decided to stay in bed and play ill today...either there must have been a lot of unnecessary tests scheduled, or it must be a full moon.

I had a lot of confidence today, it hasn't dissipated yet, thank goodness, and hopefully it wont....ever.....never again....

Well I came home...cats were there to greet me, although, they were a little hyped up...running all over the place, twitching, talking, pouncing each and every thing. It could have been those un-pop-able cat-nip bubbles...or else it must be a full moon.

Also, I found food in the house. It must be a full moon. ;)

In any case.... It was just like christmas...so I made some pasta and cheesy sauce, some peas etc. Drank some milk, never tasted so good... really must be a full moon.

I missed a certain someone extra today, for some reason, there was hardly anything/one else on my mind. So so excited to go home again, oddly...but not to be home, but to be with somebody. And all that excitement, anticipation...has melted a bit into dissappointment because I came home, only to the kitties. :( But that's okay...There must be a reason.... something important might have come up? Something might have delayed? Something providing a very very logical reasoning? Maybe it's the full moon...

;)

"Promises are like the full moon, if they are not kept at once, they diminish day by day" -- German Proverb

Innocence

You see this....

This is a picture of 9 dolphins.

Research has shown that children are "unable" to recognize the erotic scene. All that they can see is 9 dolphins. On the other hand, they say that an adult's mind is more "corrupt", so to speak, so that an adult might have trouble picking out the 9 dolphins at first glance.

Although simple, I found this sort of interesting...

Makes me want to be little again. When I'd play in fantastical worlds of faeries and shinuku's, dark lords and heroes and majestic princes to ride off into the sunset with. Talking animals and invisible friends to play with, laugh with, to cry with. Where everything I draw is art, and everything I think is said, everything I have is loved, breathing or not. When monsters bit your toes from beneath the bed and shadows left whispers in walls. When the most interesting thing is the most trivial thing and "to worry" wasn't in the vocabulary. It's nearly impossible to have nothing entertaining to do... The time where consequences are ignored, so that curiosities consume...

"Know you what it is to be a child? It is to be something bery different from the man of to-day. It is to have a spirit yet streaming from the waters of baptism; it is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief; it is to be so little that the elves reash to whisper in your ear; it is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has its fairy godmother in its own soul." --Francis Thompson

Reminder #2

Do as He suggests/says/demands you to do...

...He knows what's best.

"If you don't do what's best for your body, you're the one who comes up on the short end." -- Julius Erving (Philly 76ers)

confidence in confidence

...With each step I am more certain/ Everything will turn out fine/ I have confidence the world can all be mine/ They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine/ I have confidence in rain/ I have confidence that spring will come again/ Besides what you see I have confidence in me!

Strength doesn't lie in numbers/ Strength doesn't lie in wealth/ Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumber/ When you wake up/ Wake up! It's healthy!

All I trust/ I give my heart to/ All I trust becomes my own/ I have confidence/ In confidence alone...

Spoken: Oh help...

I have confidence in confidence alone!!/ Besides Which you see I have confidence In me!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- From the Sound of Music - "I Have Confidence"

Sweet songs

A couple mornings ago, I was sitting on my front porch. To my right, the sun rising, to my left, abundant trees. I was listening to the various songs of the birds...watching them dance and flit across the ssky, the way they communicate, the way they move, the way everything comes together just right allow them to float on the wind.

So I was sitting there on my porch...and out of nowhere, a crow lands on the porch railing in front of me. This is unusual, because there aren't many crows out in the open here. She just sat there and stared at me with her dark brown eye. I was wondering what she was thinking, what she was trying to convey, if anything.

Suddenly another landed on the railing just next to her. This is even more unusual, I thought, because it is not even mating season. Anyway... he hobbled over to her and puffed up a bit. She turned and looked at him, but now he was eyeing me.

"No worries," I said. She came to me, I didn't chase her. I very well know how brutal a crow can be, when one of their 'loved' ones may be in danger. No mercy. But we must remember, they are simply protecting out of 'love' their fledging little ones, their mates. They're not just bent on random victim's destructions. They are not the scavenging beasts they've been made out to be. I think the idea was first ingrained in our minds because of how in the old days, after a battle, with all the corpses lying about, the crows simply couldn't resist. And the people saw them devouring the decomposing flesh of their loved ones, and dubbed them "evil". Possibly...this is why poets use "murder" to describe a flock.

She cawed, and it made me jump because she had broken the silence with no warning. He cawed as well, lifting his head toward the sky... No doubt they were continuing to speak in tones and pitches that my human ears are unable to hear. They seemed to look at eachother and then, friendly, as if they knew eachother...then simultaneously looked at me again....turned, and flew off to find a roost together...

"Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words." --George Eliot

"Life is not easy f or any of us. But what of that? We must have perserverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained." --Marie Curie

Reminder #1

Reminder:

Must throw a party for myself one day, to celebrate my new position as writer, scribe, scriptist as well as speech writer for national travelling presentations....in the conservation/raptor rehabilitation and green team.."group".

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Wickedness and Cruelty

What is it?

I can tell you this much, there is much too much of it in the world.

The world seems to have turned to the morally bad for solace. This makes me sad...because really, I do see it all around.

I'm an observer, as you may know, and this is what I have observed. At an alarmingly fast rate...wickedness and hatred are popping up everywhere. And for no reason! I mean, it might've been there since the beginning...because man will be man...But sometimes it seems as though everyone hates everyone these days.

I look around, and this is what I see... People...adults, elders..children!...doing degrading, immoral acts-turned-habits. The elders should know.... they should have enough sense by now to know!! Right? But.....Bestiality and corruption in those children. Perversion and...no respect!

But guess who this next generation is learning from? Yes, you know. They take what they've surveyed and they add what they perceive and...well...the concoction creates something much more villanous.

Something else makes me sad....

I typed in "wickedness" to google for ideas.... didn't find any, of course...but, I noticed... on of the first sites to pop up was an Islamic-hater's site. On the first page! One of the first hits!! How did this happen? How did Islam end up there?

Ah well...this is what the world is now...

But I can't leave this all to the depressing fact that one day, it seems, all that will be left is hate...right?

There is still love in some places, you just have to know where to look. It will always be there, forever...even if it is not obvious to the naked eye.

And beauty? Yes there is beauty forever also. But it isn't something you have to search for. It is there... every where...in everything. In every seemingly trivial thing and every brilliant thing, it's there. So much of it, so beautiful that it seems worthy of worship.

A lone morning glory in a patch of weeds during a sad, rainy dawn...

Chivalry Love

The Rules of Chivalry Love...

As laid out by Andreas Capellanus, a champlain at a French court in the 1100s...

Love is a certain inborn suffering derived from the sight of and excessive meditation upon the beauty of the opposite sex, which causes one to wish above all things the embraces of the other and by common desire to carry out all of love's precepts in the other's embrace.

1. Marriage is no real excuse for not loving.

2. He who is not jealous cannot love.

3. No one can be bound by a double love.

4. It is well known that love is always increasing or decreasing.

5. That which a lover takes against the will of his beloved has no relish.

6. Boys do not love until they arrive at the age of maturity.

7. When one lover dies, a widowhood of 2 years is required of the survivor.

8. No one should be deprived of love without the very best of reasons.

9. No one can love unless he is impelled by the persuasion of love.

10. Love is always a stranger in the home of avarice.

11. It is not proper to love any woman whom one would be ashamed to seek to marry.

12. A true lover does not desire to embrace in love anyone except his beloved.

13. When made public love rarely endures.

14. The easy attainment of love makes it of little value; difficulty of attainment makes it prized.

15. Every lover regularly turns pale in the presence of his beloved.

16.When a lover suddenly catches sight of his beloved his heart palpitates.

17. A new love puts to flight and old one.

18. Good character alone makes any man worthy of love.

19. If love diminishes, it quickly fails and rarely revives.

20. A man in love is always apprehensive.

21. Real jealousy always increases the feeling of love.

22. Jealousy, and therefore love, are increased when one suspects his beloved.

23. He whom the thought of love vexes eats and sleeps very little.

24. Every act of a lover ends in the thought of his beloved.

25. A true lover considers nothing good except what he thinks will please his beloved.

26. Love can deny nothing to love.

27. A lover can never have enough of the solaces of his beloved.

28. A slight presumption causes a lover to suspect his beloved.

AHhh.... see what having too many renn. fayre friends does to you....?

It's no longer, "I have to use the restroom" it's... "I shall go to the privy" ;)

Oh no.... did that comment ruin the lovely moment?

ta da!

Welcome to the new blogness...

To Sable...

a peek Inside the LOnely, VaultEd skY of the mOUrning star At earLy daWn, wAking Young eyeS...

...I think he still wins...

...

puzzeling...

I have this urge to draw or paint now...

...but I know if I start now, I'll be up all night...

what shall I draw...?

m m m m good...

I don't know what to write about.

I thought about writing about wickedness or cruelty...or milkshakes...

But those all seem so bland. Too depressing for today (Yes, writing about milkshakes, depressing...because I lack one).

Then I really feel like writing a song....but that requires too much effort, and it's funner if you can put music to it....which I can't (in any way other than in my head).

Then I thought about food...

bleaaa bleaaaa...that's all you think about, Juliana, food!!...isn't it? Well, why not? It is truely a magnificent thing. One of the greatest pleasures in the world :) I'll have you know, you can ask me anything about organic produce, and I can tell you right off the bat, don't even gotta think about it.

OPW to the rescue!

I love being loved, don't you?

Adam

There are 6,618,649,793 in the world, last I heard.

There are 302,818,508 people in the U.S. of A.

There are 393,664 people in the U.S. with the first name Adam.

Statistically Adam is the 143rd most popular first name.

99.62 percent of people with the first name Adam are male.

Adam derives from the Hebrew noun ha adamah meaning "the ground" or "earth"

Adán is the Spanish form of this name, As in.... Antonio Adán, the Spanish football goalie.....In Arabic Adam (آدم) means "made from the earth/mud/clay".

Adolphe Adam, a French composer of Minuit, chrétiens! or "O Holy Night".......Albrecht Adam and son, Benno Adam, and brother, Heinrich Adam...as well as Eugen Adam, all talented German painters...portraits, etchings, lithographs...

Adam Gontier, the lead singer for Canadian Alternative Rock band 3 Days Grace...Or, Adam Stein, titled "Sexiest Man on the Planet."

Then theres...Juliette Adam (1836 – 1936), a French writer...

But then also, there's always, Adam....Just Adam. Adam who began it all, with his wife Eve. Adam who tended the animals and the greens in Eden. Some even say he became the archangel, Michael.

Which brings me to an Adam who is very important to me... Not THE Adam who is THE most important to me....Just another one who is. And he comes from the West, 水 , Ap/Jala, Genbu, Aab, a cane, a bowl of blood, a cup, a bowl, a cauldron of the Dagda, always full...Water, Rain......rain....

He's tall, and he has light brown hair... a bit of facial hair...deep green eyes, and simple muslin clothing. He has a voice that is most sweet to hear, although it isn't really heard, it is felt. It is known. It is cool...like breeze on your neck, but through your mind. Like a refreshing morning gulp of oxygen after a stormy night. And the voice says "truth", the voice says "guidance", the voice says "comfort", as long as I listen.... If I don't.... he cant get to me....and I begin to lose myself. I even dare to forget that he is there...watching, and wishing I would turn to him for help. He's just waiting for me, fighting for me, and he cares for me....even though I don't quite know his identity, he sure knows mine. He is Adam. He's somewhat of a spirit guide for me, somewhat of an angel as some would say. That is all I know; That he exists, that he is with me, and that he Knows.

He reminds me very much of another Adam I know, one who is THE most important to me...

"In the beginning of all things, wisdom and knowledge were with the animals, for Tirawa, the One Above, did not speak directly to man. He sent certain animals to tell men that he showed himself through the beast, and that from them, and from the stars and the sun and moon should man learn.. all things tell of Tirawa.

All things in the world are two. In our minds we are two, good and evil. With our eyes we see two things, things that are fair and things that are ugly.... We have the right hand that strikes and makes for evil, and we have the left hand full of kindness, near the heart. One foot may lead us to an evil way, the other foot may lead us to a good. So are all things two, all two." --Letakos-Lesa (Eagle Chief), of the Pawnee Indians

barbed wire and butterflies

Once upon a time, there were two people...each madly in love with the other. She was so much in love with him, it was indescribable. Not a second was wasted not dreaming about him. She thought that even his love for her couldn't compete. But he would argue otherwise...

He examines almost every inch of her. Every smooth curve, every elegant angle. The way her slender fingers move...the way each part of her skin feels brushed lovingly against lips. He does this out of worship, out of pure love, not passion. Does this because craves to know her. When she closes her mind to him, he desperately tries to know her in every way possible left, without going against her wishes.

It was a beautiful relationship...one that not even lust could impede.

But one day...an evil crept in. A darkness that threatened to tear them apart forever. It was a darkness full of confusion, mistakes, begging...it invoked so much fear, so much anger, saddness, and pain...invoked anything but sang-froid.

It did pull them apart....so painfully. They couldn't stop it. It just happened.

They made a vow though, a strong vow. A promise, that no matter what...they would be together again, no matter what, this darkness couldn't keep them separated forever. They would have to wait for the right moment, then pounce on it. Pounce on it with all their might, mind, and strength...and eliminate the darkness. The invisible matter expanding two galaxies farther and farther away.

"I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it willmove. " -- Matthew 17:20

6 Years

It can't have been 6 years all ready?? SHE is NOT 6 years old and in kindergarden. There's just no way...

Why does time fly?

Mistakes?

It is strange to be owned. Claimed.

I mean, aside from one's own parents.

It's different. New. Strange...

Just interesting.

One struggles to accept it, get used to it. Struggles to tie down the emotions. The ever so mixed-up emotions. Makes it hard to see whether it is good or bad, or whether it will be good or will be bad.

Play it as it goes, I suppose, as long as it doesn't get you killed. Thinking too hard about what's to come can be a little painful at times. No matter what, just remember yourself. Who you are...if you're sure of your own person, and you love this person, you dont need any one else in the end. Don't lose hope. Mistakes can be forgiven.