Guilt or is it remorse? or what is the difference if there is any at all?
One thing for sure is that if you don't ever feel any, then you're a psychopath.
I've been thinking about the difference between the two and how to deal with it as well.
I think the difference is that with guilt, you're a bad person doing a bad thing. Remorse comes from a good person who did a bad thing. Someone told me once that I just need to look inside and figure out whether I am the good person or the bad person. But of course... everyone's the good person (at least, I'd like to think that under all the bad, there's some good...).
And anyway, what do we call that unnecessary guilt? The kind that some feel so deeply but can't step far enough away to see that there's no sense in it? Or that diffused kind that we just throw around "i'm sorry's" every which way for?
So, how do I/we/s/he make it go awaaaayyy...???
Well, there is one way. It seems as though it would be obvious, but we dont think of it because we're trained to suck it in, be a man, get over it (which leaves us with a couple generations plagued with ulcers).
Anger.
Guilt is directed inside of us, while anger lashes out. Whether it's in a relationship (what could I have done better) or some unnecessary guilt.... As soon as you feel anger about it, the guilt disappears and you can't even see why you'd ever have felt it was your fault. Don't be afraid of feeling anger. After that, no one can be angry forever. Even though anger can be so passionate... I believe it's a weaker emotion as compared to guilt, easily disposed of.
So, transformation. Transform guilt into anger, and anger into joy.
I'm not a big fan of anger, but it's something I could bear if it meant getting away from guilt. And as for escaping the remorse and guilt you deserve to feel....Well, really, the only way to leave it in the past and move on is through forgiveness. Forgiveness from the hurt, the victims...which most definitely includes yourself.
"Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death." --Coco Chanel
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
How to capture joy...
I've come to the conclusion that only I can make myself happy...So I've found 4 things to consider when searching for (and holding on to that) joy...
Here they are...
First, is your Body. Take care of your body and be aware of what is and is not normal for it. Be aware of its functions and keep it balanced. Simple as that.
And that leads right into the second thing... Present. Be fully aware of the present. No regretting, no worrying about the future. Think about the present only...well you can't really think about it, but you can think about the second after...close enough. It reminds me of a movie I saw a while back, can't remember what it was. Anyway, There was a part the girl asked the guy how he knows all these things about her, if he can read her mind or something. He just said he listens and pays attention... and notices. That's all. Just enjoy the present. Enjoy the smells and the sounds you hear. Be aware of the things you're feeling and your body is doing...breathing, your heart beating. Listen. Notice.
The third thing is... RELAX. Just relax... It's simple really. Simple and common sense. BREATHE. Why be so tense? Even when something is upsetting, just breathe. I heard someone say once that anxiety is just excitement without oxygen. So true :)
And the last thing... of course is.....Smile. I've found if you can make yourself smile... negativity just melts away. Smile and laugh. It works wonders.
After all this.... there's joy.
I just have to remember that Joy is formless. I can't hold onto it, try as i might. Holding on to physical things trying to make them make you happy is just a mess. Counterfeit joy equals mild hysteria. So the bad thing about joy is that you can't hold on to it, but one of the best things about it is that... it can arise anywhere.
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present" -- ...okay, so i heard it on kung fu panda.... :p
Monday, December 22, 2008
Shinto solstice...
...They were all cast into darkness and confusion. Their Sun Goddess, Amaterasu, had been driven out of the sky into a cave by her mischievous brother. All of the sky gods and goddesses went to the cave trying to lure her out. The waved their scarves and sang,
Amaterasu, bearer of light.
We stub our toes, we bump our nose
in this gloomy night.
Amaterasu, bearer of light.
Enlighten us, please brighten us
with your lovely sight.
But it didn't work.
Maybe she couldn't hear them?
So all the earth gods and goddesses came to help. They beat the earth like drums and sang with the others...
Amaterasu, bearer of light.
We stub our toes, we bump our nose
in this gloomy night.
Amaterasu, bearer of light.
Enlighten us, please brighten us
with your lovely sight.
We stub our toes, we bump our nose
in this gloomy night.
Amaterasu, bearer of light.
Enlighten us, please brighten us
with your lovely sight.
But it didn't work.
Maybe she STILL couldn't hear them.
So all of the water gods and goddesses came to help. They danced and twirled and sang along with the others....
Amaterasu, bearer of light.
We stub our toes, we bump our nose
in this gloomy night.
Amaterasu, bearer of light.
Enlighten us, please brighten us
with your lovely sight.
Finally, Amaterasu heard. She wondered what all this celebrating out side was and peeked out of her cave. She saw the singing and dancing and 
drumming and joy... and flew all the way back into the sky...
drumming and joy... and flew all the way back into the sky...Amaterasu, bearer of light.
Enlighten us, please brighten us
with your lovely sight.
Enlighten us, please brighten us
with your lovely sight.
(song lyrics, original by Doug Kraft of UUSS)
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Advent inspirations
I was thinking about patience and waiting a lot lately. Wondering what I'm waiting for... how long do I have to wait? Wait wait wait. I'm bored of waiting... how much longer?
But then I realized.... Waiting is not passive.
Why do I think that because I'm waiting, it's okay to do nothing else? There is absolutely no reason why I shouldn't be doing, acting, moving, as a part of waiting. Because that's what it is... It is intertwined with waiting.
Waiting is definitely not passive.
"All human wisdom is summed up in two words - Wait and Hope." --Alexandre Dumas
But then I realized.... Waiting is not passive.
Why do I think that because I'm waiting, it's okay to do nothing else? There is absolutely no reason why I shouldn't be doing, acting, moving, as a part of waiting. Because that's what it is... It is intertwined with waiting.
Waiting is definitely not passive.
"All human wisdom is summed up in two words - Wait and Hope." --Alexandre Dumas
Monday, December 15, 2008
Laila and majnun again
Majnun knocked on Leyla's door.
"Who's there?"
"It is I."
"Go away. There is no room here for you and I."
Majnun retreated to the forest, meditated for a long time, and then returned.
"Who is it?"
"It is you."
The door opened.
"Who's there?"
"It is I."
"Go away. There is no room here for you and I."
Majnun retreated to the forest, meditated for a long time, and then returned.
"Who is it?"
"It is you."
The door opened.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
The magic of listening
Our waitress' hair flipped through the air as she whirled off to serve another impatient customer. My mother gasped and asked if Web and I had seen "that".
"What?"
The girl had tattoos behind each of her ears... little hearts or something, couldn't quite make it out. Mama touched her right ear and tears started welling up in her eyes... then tears started spilling out of mine. Webba, of course, had to ask what the fuss was about.
The crazy fluctuation of hormones during my mother's pregnancy with me, caused the oteosclerosis disorder that she has to manifest itself. This caused her to lose hearing in the ear... but she could still hear through her skull. Obviously, not well though. The disorder unbeknownst to them, people became intimidated because of her peircing blue eyes, staring so intently at their lips while they talked. Over the years, it depressed her and ultimately lead to a lot of sorrow for various reasons. Of course, I've always connected myself to the cause, even though I know it could've happened at puberty or menopause or even her prgnancy with my brother.
It was only a couple years ago that she finally got the money to have the surgery done to correct this disorder as much as possible (a short term relief and not perfect, but better than hearing through your skull). Even though there are tones that she'll never hear again, it changed her life completely. She became herself. No longer listening through the vibrations of the wooden dance floor, she can appreciate the music she loved so much more in such a different way.
Webba started to cry. We cried because my mother finally found what she was looking for. The thing that changed her life.... The thing that meant enough to her to make it permanently known to the world. That bone behind her ear... is the only way she could hear anything for some 13 years. Immediately I began sketching an intricate design involving a treble clef and a B flat.
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
—Samuel Langhorne Clemens
"What?"
The girl had tattoos behind each of her ears... little hearts or something, couldn't quite make it out. Mama touched her right ear and tears started welling up in her eyes... then tears started spilling out of mine. Webba, of course, had to ask what the fuss was about.
The crazy fluctuation of hormones during my mother's pregnancy with me, caused the oteosclerosis disorder that she has to manifest itself. This caused her to lose hearing in the ear... but she could still hear through her skull. Obviously, not well though. The disorder unbeknownst to them, people became intimidated because of her peircing blue eyes, staring so intently at their lips while they talked. Over the years, it depressed her and ultimately lead to a lot of sorrow for various reasons. Of course, I've always connected myself to the cause, even though I know it could've happened at puberty or menopause or even her prgnancy with my brother.
It was only a couple years ago that she finally got the money to have the surgery done to correct this disorder as much as possible (a short term relief and not perfect, but better than hearing through your skull). Even though there are tones that she'll never hear again, it changed her life completely. She became herself. No longer listening through the vibrations of the wooden dance floor, she can appreciate the music she loved so much more in such a different way.
Webba started to cry. We cried because my mother finally found what she was looking for. The thing that changed her life.... The thing that meant enough to her to make it permanently known to the world. That bone behind her ear... is the only way she could hear anything for some 13 years. Immediately I began sketching an intricate design involving a treble clef and a B flat.
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
—Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Handfasting
I have decided that I want this one day. It's a beautiful ceremony, and has been around for ages and ages. The tradition is to have the handfasting each year on your anniversary, as that is the "expiration date" (but it's not exactly necessary). It's renewed each year assuming that you both wish to hold on to the relationship and turns out sort of as a reassurance to eachother every year, or if you've had rough times, a good time to start over. I've only just now got my hands on how the vows generally go...A friend of my mom's just had hers. A peppermint red and white one. Reading them is almost as good as witnessing it.
"Know now before you go further, that since your lives have crossed in this life you have formed ties between each other. As you seek to enter this state of matrimony you should strive to make real, the ideals which give meaning to both this ceremony and the institution of marriage.
With full awareness, know that within this circle you are not only declaring your intent to be handfasted before your friends and family, but you speak that intent also to your creative higher powers.
The promises made today and the ties that are bound here greatly strengthen your union; they will cross the years and lives of each soul's growth."
"Do you still seek to enter this ceremony? "
"Yes, We Seek to Enter."
"In times past it was believed that the human soul shared characteristics with all things divine. It is this belief which assigned virtues to the cardinal directions; East, South, West and North. It is in this tradition that a blessing is offered in support of this ceremony.
Blessed be this union with the gifts of the East. Communication of the heart, mind, and body Fresh beginnings with the rising of each Sun. The knowledge of the growth found in the sharing of silences.
Blessed be this union with the gifts of the South. Warmth of hearth and home The heat of the heart's passion The light created by both To lighten the darkest of times.
Blessed be this union with the gifts of the West. The deep commitments of the lake The swift excitement of the river The refreshing cleansing of the rain The all encompassing passion of the sea.
Blessed be this union with the gifts of the North Firm foundation on which to build Fertility of the fields to enrich your lives A stable home to which you may always return.
Each of these blessings from the four cardinal directions emphasizes those things which will help you build a happy and successful union. Yet they are only tools. Tools which you must use together in order to create what you seek in this union."
"I bid you look into each others eyes."
"[Groom's Name], Will you cause her pain?" "I May"
"Is that you intent?" "No"
"[Bride's Name], Will you cause him pain?" " I may"
" Is that you intent?" " No"
*To Both* "Will you share each other's pain and seek to ease it?" " Yes"
"And so the binding is made. Join your hands" *First cord is draped across the bride and grooms hands*
"[Bride's Name], Will you share his laughter?" "Yes"
"[Groom's Name], Will you share her laughter?" "Yes"
*To Both* "Will both of you look for the brightness in life and the positive in each other?" "Yes"
"And so the binding is made." *Second chord is draped across the couples hands*
"[Bride's Name], Will you burden him?" "I may"
"Is that you intent?" "No"
"[Groom's Name], Will you burden her?" "I may"
"Is that your intent?" "No"
*To Both* "Will you share the burdens of each so that your spirits may grow in this union?" "Yes"
"And so the binding is made." *Drape third chord across the couples hands*
"[Bride's Name], will you share his dreams?" "Yes"
"[Groom's Name], will you share her dreams?" "Yes"
*To Both* "Will you dream together to create new realities and hopes?" "Yes"
"And so the binding is made." *Drape fourth chord across the couples hands*
"[Groom's Name], will you cause her anger?" "I may"
"Is that you intent?" "No"
"[Bride's Name], will you cause him anger?" "I may"
"Is that your intent?" "No"
*To Both* "Will you take the heat of anger and use it to temper the strength of this union?" "We Will"
"And so the binding is made." *Drape fifth chord across the couples hands*
"[Bride's Name], Will you honor him?" "I will"
"[Groom's Name], Will you honor her?" "I will"
*To Both* "Will you seek to never give cause to break that honor?" "We shall never do so"
"And so the binding is made." *Drape sixth chord across the couples hands*
*Tie chords together while saying:* "The knots of this binding are not formed by these chords but instead by your vows. Either of you may drop the chords, for as always, you hold in your own hands the making of breaking of this union."
*Once chords are tied together they are removed and placed on altar*
"Know now before you go further, that since your lives have crossed in this life you have formed ties between each other. As you seek to enter this state of matrimony you should strive to make real, the ideals which give meaning to both this ceremony and the institution of marriage.
With full awareness, know that within this circle you are not only declaring your intent to be handfasted before your friends and family, but you speak that intent also to your creative higher powers.
The promises made today and the ties that are bound here greatly strengthen your union; they will cross the years and lives of each soul's growth."
"Do you still seek to enter this ceremony? "
"Yes, We Seek to Enter."
"In times past it was believed that the human soul shared characteristics with all things divine. It is this belief which assigned virtues to the cardinal directions; East, South, West and North. It is in this tradition that a blessing is offered in support of this ceremony.
Blessed be this union with the gifts of the East. Communication of the heart, mind, and body Fresh beginnings with the rising of each Sun. The knowledge of the growth found in the sharing of silences.
Blessed be this union with the gifts of the South. Warmth of hearth and home The heat of the heart's passion The light created by both To lighten the darkest of times.
Blessed be this union with the gifts of the West. The deep commitments of the lake The swift excitement of the river The refreshing cleansing of the rain The all encompassing passion of the sea.
Blessed be this union with the gifts of the North Firm foundation on which to build Fertility of the fields to enrich your lives A stable home to which you may always return.
Each of these blessings from the four cardinal directions emphasizes those things which will help you build a happy and successful union. Yet they are only tools. Tools which you must use together in order to create what you seek in this union."
"I bid you look into each others eyes."
"[Groom's Name], Will you cause her pain?" "I May"
"Is that you intent?" "No"
"[Bride's Name], Will you cause him pain?" " I may"
" Is that you intent?" " No"
*To Both* "Will you share each other's pain and seek to ease it?" " Yes"
"And so the binding is made. Join your hands" *First cord is draped across the bride and grooms hands*
"[Bride's Name], Will you share his laughter?" "Yes"
"[Groom's Name], Will you share her laughter?" "Yes"
*To Both* "Will both of you look for the brightness in life and the positive in each other?" "Yes"
"And so the binding is made." *Second chord is draped across the couples hands*
"[Bride's Name], Will you burden him?" "I may"
"Is that you intent?" "No"
"[Groom's Name], Will you burden her?" "I may"
"Is that your intent?" "No"
*To Both* "Will you share the burdens of each so that your spirits may grow in this union?" "Yes"
"And so the binding is made." *Drape third chord across the couples hands*
"[Bride's Name], will you share his dreams?" "Yes"
"[Groom's Name], will you share her dreams?" "Yes"
*To Both* "Will you dream together to create new realities and hopes?" "Yes"
"And so the binding is made." *Drape fourth chord across the couples hands*
"[Groom's Name], will you cause her anger?" "I may"
"Is that you intent?" "No"
"[Bride's Name], will you cause him anger?" "I may"
"Is that your intent?" "No"
*To Both* "Will you take the heat of anger and use it to temper the strength of this union?" "We Will"
"And so the binding is made." *Drape fifth chord across the couples hands*
"[Bride's Name], Will you honor him?" "I will"
"[Groom's Name], Will you honor her?" "I will"
*To Both* "Will you seek to never give cause to break that honor?" "We shall never do so"
"And so the binding is made." *Drape sixth chord across the couples hands*
*Tie chords together while saying:* "The knots of this binding are not formed by these chords but instead by your vows. Either of you may drop the chords, for as always, you hold in your own hands the making of breaking of this union."
*Once chords are tied together they are removed and placed on altar*
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Si Se Puede!
Jambo Rafiki!
okay.. that's the extent of my Swahili (Half of which I give credit to Disney). I tried.
I am very very happy now. And I think that this very very important and incredible event is just the motivation I needed to start posting here again.
Yes! Obama won. Unbelieveably so...when I finally went to bed, it was at 338 electoral votes (while mccain had yet to reach 140). I consider it a movement. My country is relatively young, but there are younger who have already conquered the obstacle of....ugh, how to word it? Okay, for example, (and not to be a stereotypical american in saying this) Pakistan has already had a woman prime minister (and may she rest in peace). Pakistan of all places. Why does america, the so-called welcoming melting pot of cultural diversity and acceptance, still struggle so much with ridiculous things such as racism and sexism?
Anyway, my point is, I am taking this as a giagantic leap. Yes, he's the first African American president, but he's much more than that. I think he symbolizes not just "tolerance" but acceptance and embracing of the groups of people who have had to fight for so long for their rights and freedoms as human beings in this country. African Americans as well as women as well as gays (although that last one... according to california, needs to fight a bit longer :( ).
It's just a beautiful thing to see in this country, I think.
Beyond all of that...Obama is an amazing person. He understands that he may be over his head, he understands what he's getting into. He can unite even the people who voted against him. He's a very intelligent and open-minded person, and... man! can he speak! I dont know if it was just all the chaos of this election coming to an end, or what, but I found his speech very moving and extremely genuine. Genuine.
(so cute, watch... :D http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NblCBtk6H-U)
"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. " --Sen. Barak Obama
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Blind Trust.
What happens when you can’t find yourself anymore? Where you feel as if you’re doing a poor job of masquerading as yourself. You’re not sure the difference from one minute to the next but you’re sure it’s there somewhere. All you know is there is some difference… there’s something that makes you feel like you’re crazy. Pure Madness raging around inside your bitter glazed veins.
Just keep walking the empty streets on an empty, cloud-covered Sunday with a vacant mind. Mingle with bodies of air that aren’t really there. Biting, wintry artic all around you in the middle of June. Nothing makes sense.
Run through those empty streets in an involuntary panic, searching. Searching.
You’re deaf save for the sound of “you’ll never find” in a whisper that tickles your nose. Tickles with a cruel mockery.
Darkness falls, and you’re blind. Blind except for the single light always just out of reach. You can almost hear it snickering at your pitiable fumbling. “You’ll never catch up.”
Someone sincerely says, “I love you” and you’re heart stops. Defibrillator. Quick. What can you do?
No, not you. It’s not you. You’re not there. You’re lost. You’re gone. You’re floating in a murky canal somewhere. You’re buried in the backyard of the only shack on St. Jude St. You’re falling out the 110th story of a building you jumped out of. You’re hiding in a white box made of rice paper and tissues.
Must be someone else.
Don’t try to confuse me with your sweet words of compassion. “Let me help you.”
Temptation to believe in something beautiful amidst the ugly.
“I love you. I can help you find. Let me.”
Go away.
"If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person?" ~Chuck Palahniuk
Just keep walking the empty streets on an empty, cloud-covered Sunday with a vacant mind. Mingle with bodies of air that aren’t really there. Biting, wintry artic all around you in the middle of June. Nothing makes sense.
Run through those empty streets in an involuntary panic, searching. Searching.
You’re deaf save for the sound of “you’ll never find” in a whisper that tickles your nose. Tickles with a cruel mockery.
Darkness falls, and you’re blind. Blind except for the single light always just out of reach. You can almost hear it snickering at your pitiable fumbling. “You’ll never catch up.”
Someone sincerely says, “I love you” and you’re heart stops. Defibrillator. Quick. What can you do?
No, not you. It’s not you. You’re not there. You’re lost. You’re gone. You’re floating in a murky canal somewhere. You’re buried in the backyard of the only shack on St. Jude St. You’re falling out the 110th story of a building you jumped out of. You’re hiding in a white box made of rice paper and tissues.
Must be someone else.
Don’t try to confuse me with your sweet words of compassion. “Let me help you.”
Temptation to believe in something beautiful amidst the ugly.
“I love you. I can help you find. Let me.”
Go away.
"If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person?" ~Chuck Palahniuk
Friday, April 11, 2008
liberation
Remember this as the day you truly fucked up your life. Remember this as the day you came to your best and worst realizations. Remember this as the day you agonizingly gave up half of yourself and regenerated a fresh new right ventricle, pulsing and sparkling with potential.
Inevitable, it was; The deterioration of your body, your mind. You didn’t expect it to arrive so fast. It shouldn’t. It wasn’t fair. But it happened, and it’s gone and passed now.
While your yearning for the numbness of surrender, thrashing about in a pain that deep down you really wanted, you couldn’t just think it way. Like I’ve always said, just needed to embrace the pain. You can’t allow your imagination to become a reality that doesn’t exist. Cannot allow yourself to be fooled into believing in a reality that doesn’t, and never has existed.
It’s not real, it’s in your head, it’s meant to be forgotten as a child, just imagination, just empty, meaningless words and dreams, They say.
Okay, I trust you.
But they don’t go away.
Bullshit. Fight the urge to live out a pathetic excuse for a life in a mirage of chaos and utopia intertwined in a giant linked-hands peace sign. You control your life, mind, and self. This ubiquitous “they” does not exist. Does not control. Does not function as a body its own. Forget.
It’s all been a test. A test you put yourself through. Not some God living in your dark dusty attic. Not the infamous “they”. Not those high class chumps with their stiff white shirts and ties who genuinely believe they own the world. Not some demonic creature you conjure up so often that you begin to believe in its words, ways, and actions.
No. These are all portions of your self. Remember this. Accept this. Know this. Only then can you move on and begin to understand the purpose for, and how to utilize, this new right ventricle. It seems foreign…but close your eyes and reach for it. Let it hold you close and trust it, because it’s an annexed wing of yourself. You can’t live without a single person to trust…so trust yourself. Go on and let yourself grope through the dark, panic rising, and love it. Love every second of it. Take refuge in the foggy blindness of no plans.
Think of what this new beginning is for you. Did you notice that it is freedom? Not to be feared? You are free from unrest. Fear is the main driving force behind all of this turbulence.
Stop thinking Evil is after you. What is evil anyway? Simply the absence of good, light. It’s the opposite of that which is deemed “positive”. It’s the absence of empathy itself. Man’s general incapacity to feel with their fellow man. It is not material. It does not live, think, or seek out to jinx you.
Enjoy this. Don’t fear it. You can’t stop time to avoid impending unsure seconds of your life. Embrace it.
Think of it while you’re lying in bed in the morning, with the sun’s rays just beginning to touch your face, the sky already a brilliant, limpid blue. Being able to love that radiant sun, and appreciate its awesome power, despite its gift of destruction. And be grateful.
Think of it while you’re walking down the puddle littered streets. Watch the people. How their faces look blank. They look on like mindless robots addicted to the newly concocted, malicious, man-eating, artificial, labor-saving gadgets of our technological world. They blankly look at their shoes stepping over soggy cigarette butts and wonder about the next thing on their to-do list. And be grateful.
Grateful you’re deterioration came early to provide you with a new mind, ready for an enlightened upbringing.
Stop thinking you’re better than everyone else now that you know you’ve been blessed. Rather, pity yourself for having the knowledge of reality forced into your brain.
Oh how quick you are to be reminded of your past, you’re almost-mistakes. Forget your past. Let it go. Forget. Forget. Forget. You were killed and given new life. A new prospective purity. Run with it. Fall with it. Fly with it.
http://pop.youtube.com/watch?v=tYBLjEaDFDE
Friday, March 28, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Apres moi le deluge
"After me, comes the deluge" King of France, Louis XV.
Some times I wonder, what does it matter what I do now? How long will I be in this place, this time, this life...? When I'm gone, it's no concern of mine the consequences of whatever I have done. Right?
Knowing my current stand... a volatile time when I'm never settled....why not just do what ever makes me happy at that moment despite however it affects the people around me or involved or how it affects myself in the long run. Why think so hard about the future? and future consequences? Why think about what I do before I do it? Why plan? Why organize?
I don't know. Just because.
Some times I wonder, what does it matter what I do now? How long will I be in this place, this time, this life...? When I'm gone, it's no concern of mine the consequences of whatever I have done. Right?
Knowing my current stand... a volatile time when I'm never settled....why not just do what ever makes me happy at that moment despite however it affects the people around me or involved or how it affects myself in the long run. Why think so hard about the future? and future consequences? Why think about what I do before I do it? Why plan? Why organize?
I don't know. Just because.
ἐμοῦ θανόντος γαῖα μιχθήτω πυρί·οὐδὲν μέλει μοι· τἀμὰ γὰρ καλῶς ἔχει.
When I die, let earth and fire mix: It matters not to me, for my affairs will be unaffected.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Pink bullets.
Cold. Contrast. Hold. Stone. Blood. Impulse. Flowing. Decent. Brute. Tied. Song. Kite. Dark. Lines. Cross. Field. Book. Foreign. Knots. Timid. Reverse. Understand. Less. Pages. Awkwardly. Star. Cast. Look. Rule. Before. Murder. Memory. Here. Stay. Warm. Winter. Light. Ramparts. Scent. Skin. Flowers. Brick. Years. Loose. Drawn. Falling. Sky. Flight. End.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=gGQ6DkTnuso
http://youtube.com/watch?v=gGQ6DkTnuso
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Winter too long
Easter.
The holiday with scary "Bennicula" bunnies and the worst taste in traditional candy choices.
oh wait.... scuse me... ahem.... the holiday celebrating the sweet Atonement and resurrection of Christ.
What in heaven's name do bunnies have to do with anything? And I never thought christian holidays were determined by the moon...?
Oh wait... scuse me... ahem.... the anglo-saxon holiday celebrating the goddess Eastre, her symbolic animal (the rabbit), and the coming of spring.
:) That's better.
It was so strange this year. I did nothing whatsoever for Easter. None of the traditions.... zilch. Okay, I take that back... I did partake of the only good candy sold during this time of year (no.. not peeps... ew.) Licorice jelly beans. mmmm.
No new clothes. No handmade Easter Sunday dress. No peeps. No eggs. No feast.
What day is it again?
Oh...just another day.
I think I like it this way. Easter is annoying anyway. It's when all the seasonal christians come out and preach their hypocrisy. When the Bishop calls you to his office and tells you " do this" "do that" "but it doesn't matter anyway, you're already bound for hell". When adults taunt little children by putting their favorite gross candy in impossible-to-open plastic eggs and hide them in impossible-to-find/reach places (all in a conspiracy to see who has the most eggs and determine which children are worth keeping in society and which should be thrown off the cliff into helot land).
Alright alright... I'm being a bit cynical. I DO love the idea of celebrating spring. Best time. When all the the snow melts away and the hideous litter of the world emerges over dead grass.... *cough* sorry. Sorry... I really do love spring. But I'd rather celebrate in May. May 1st, when everything is beautiful already. None of this bullshit of ... "yay it rained, rivers in the road, snow melting, dead things emerging, 30 degree F weather.... yay!" next day wake up to 3 feet of snow and -30 degree F weather.
In May, you're sure. You're sure that the weather won't betray you and kill that lone flower trying so hard to bloom in the yard. You're sure that each day becomes more beautiful, rain or shine, the smell of new growth emanates from everywhere.
That's Easter.
"It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade." -Charles Dickens
The holiday with scary "Bennicula" bunnies and the worst taste in traditional candy choices.
oh wait.... scuse me... ahem.... the holiday celebrating the sweet Atonement and resurrection of Christ.
What in heaven's name do bunnies have to do with anything? And I never thought christian holidays were determined by the moon...?
Oh wait... scuse me... ahem.... the anglo-saxon holiday celebrating the goddess Eastre, her symbolic animal (the rabbit), and the coming of spring.
:) That's better.
It was so strange this year. I did nothing whatsoever for Easter. None of the traditions.... zilch. Okay, I take that back... I did partake of the only good candy sold during this time of year (no.. not peeps... ew.) Licorice jelly beans. mmmm.
No new clothes. No handmade Easter Sunday dress. No peeps. No eggs. No feast.
What day is it again?
Oh...just another day.
I think I like it this way. Easter is annoying anyway. It's when all the seasonal christians come out and preach their hypocrisy. When the Bishop calls you to his office and tells you " do this" "do that" "but it doesn't matter anyway, you're already bound for hell". When adults taunt little children by putting their favorite gross candy in impossible-to-open plastic eggs and hide them in impossible-to-find/reach places (all in a conspiracy to see who has the most eggs and determine which children are worth keeping in society and which should be thrown off the cliff into helot land).
Alright alright... I'm being a bit cynical. I DO love the idea of celebrating spring. Best time. When all the the snow melts away and the hideous litter of the world emerges over dead grass.... *cough* sorry. Sorry... I really do love spring. But I'd rather celebrate in May. May 1st, when everything is beautiful already. None of this bullshit of ... "yay it rained, rivers in the road, snow melting, dead things emerging, 30 degree F weather.... yay!" next day wake up to 3 feet of snow and -30 degree F weather.
In May, you're sure. You're sure that the weather won't betray you and kill that lone flower trying so hard to bloom in the yard. You're sure that each day becomes more beautiful, rain or shine, the smell of new growth emanates from everywhere.
That's Easter.
"It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade." -Charles Dickens
Monday, March 24, 2008
Happy Birthday Peace
A protest in Britain to call off the atomic bomb occured exactly 50 years ago from last good friday.
A symbol was created from two military semaphore signals, N and D, for "Nuclear Disarmament". But has since gone global and become the symbol of Peace itself. Inevitably emerging all over the world in times of turmoil, it holds a deep meaning and a strong power to spur hope.
Peace.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
So dizzy
Being "in the gap" can be disorienting and even scary. Nothing to hold on to, no sense of direction, not even a hint of what choices and possibilities might lie ahead. But it was just this state of pure potential that existed before the universe was created.
All you can do now is to relax into this no-thingness...fall into this silence between the words...watch this gap between the outgoing and incoming breath. And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born.
"I really don't like the cumulative effect of all this uncertainty.
I want it done. " --Miele
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Lambs leading Lionsf
I watched this movie with my brother the other day. "Lions for Lambs". It made me want to get into political science (ha!).
Seriously, I had thought about that before, but it just such a turnoff for me to think of myself ending up in a position like that. A position where I become one of the very people I got into the business to crush.
It was a good movie, a realistic one. And all throughout you weren't quite sure how it'd end up. Slanted towards the left or the right. Biased toward the government or the people.
In the end, it was rather satisfying. Brought up many of the questions and points many people are worried about these days... The "forgotten war" in Afghanistan, how can the government not correlate vietnam? Why do they go on with what they are doing if they say they learned from their mistakes? Afew soldiers die "We may have a little blood on our nose" but that's not gonna faze us. Why exactly is it that today is one of the worst times to be an American? Why have we spent more time and sent more troops to the country that didn't attack us on 9/11, but justify it with that? What has this country gotten itself into...done to itself? Is our country really bent on living out ancient Roman ideals? Imperialism?
And they fact that...the news is all about celebrities, their babies, their divorces, their crack addictions and rehab treatments..... WHO CARES? I dont know these people, and they dont care about me... why?? why? All the important stuff is typed up on the little line across the bottom. A constant flow of important information that is ignored because the screen moves too fast, is small, and seems insignificant. Sometimes the line that says "Two American soldiers died in a blast near Kandahar", and that's it. Not heard of nor seen again. Who were they? What about locals? The line never crosses the screen again..
And then you hear things about the Phelps and their religion saying, soldiers are dying because god is mad that this country allows gays. So they upset families and disrupt mournings of soldiers with their pickets saying "death to fags".
They're even doing it to Heath Ledger, on his funeral, because of his role in Brokeback Mountain.
Yes... You see, I know this, because he is a celebrity... and what shows on the news? Celebrity's business.
What I liked about this movie is that it said to me... Trying and failing is better than not trying at all.
Although in the case of the current world situation, i'm not all that infatuated with our failures because they were failures before they were thought up...ones that could have been avoided.
Anyway...
What's the point in trying, if you know you're gonna fail?
It's that you did something.
Rather than take for granted opportunities, and lie idle accomplishing nothing.... and trying to accomplish nothing.
"Says the man in the air-conditioned room." -- Janine Roth
Seriously, I had thought about that before, but it just such a turnoff for me to think of myself ending up in a position like that. A position where I become one of the very people I got into the business to crush.
It was a good movie, a realistic one. And all throughout you weren't quite sure how it'd end up. Slanted towards the left or the right. Biased toward the government or the people.
In the end, it was rather satisfying. Brought up many of the questions and points many people are worried about these days... The "forgotten war" in Afghanistan, how can the government not correlate vietnam? Why do they go on with what they are doing if they say they learned from their mistakes? Afew soldiers die "We may have a little blood on our nose" but that's not gonna faze us. Why exactly is it that today is one of the worst times to be an American? Why have we spent more time and sent more troops to the country that didn't attack us on 9/11, but justify it with that? What has this country gotten itself into...done to itself? Is our country really bent on living out ancient Roman ideals? Imperialism?
And they fact that...the news is all about celebrities, their babies, their divorces, their crack addictions and rehab treatments..... WHO CARES? I dont know these people, and they dont care about me... why?? why? All the important stuff is typed up on the little line across the bottom. A constant flow of important information that is ignored because the screen moves too fast, is small, and seems insignificant. Sometimes the line that says "Two American soldiers died in a blast near Kandahar", and that's it. Not heard of nor seen again. Who were they? What about locals? The line never crosses the screen again..
And then you hear things about the Phelps and their religion saying, soldiers are dying because god is mad that this country allows gays. So they upset families and disrupt mournings of soldiers with their pickets saying "death to fags".
They're even doing it to Heath Ledger, on his funeral, because of his role in Brokeback Mountain.
Yes... You see, I know this, because he is a celebrity... and what shows on the news? Celebrity's business.
What I liked about this movie is that it said to me... Trying and failing is better than not trying at all.
Although in the case of the current world situation, i'm not all that infatuated with our failures because they were failures before they were thought up...ones that could have been avoided.
Anyway...
What's the point in trying, if you know you're gonna fail?
It's that you did something.
Rather than take for granted opportunities, and lie idle accomplishing nothing.... and trying to accomplish nothing.
"Says the man in the air-conditioned room." -- Janine Roth
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
She's back
November 19th....
What have I been doing all this time? There's no excuse for such a long lapse in my posts!
Okay...
maybe there is.
Where have I been? Well, let's just say I don't have to worry about "boring" old kentucky anymore (thank god it lasted only a couple months). I've been around, just not around around in my head enough to have a seat and write out my pointless ramblings that maybe only one or two people ever take the time to read anyway.
I live in a little apartment, in a climate of an avg. -20 degrees F. Eek! yes... I know.
Darn that global warming, y'know?
At least when the car wont start or the door is frozen shut, or kids are getting frostbite in 3 minutes and watching their fingers fall off, I get to stay inside and curl up with a cozy afgan and a ginger ale and do absolutely nothing all day.
The power likes to go off, and then my really expensive 10 dollar flea market heat-blanket is useless. But then again, yes, let's just make it even more bulkier and thrown in a back up battery system!!
There is a male of some kind sleeping on the bed above mine who has no concern for whether I see his goodies or not... then again neither do I him, but... you know, if it disturbs him enough, maybe he'll leave, eh?
eeoh....then who'll make my soup?
That's pretty much where I am right now... sort of... if you cut out about 90%... but I have to have something to write about later on, right?
Like...
How Mr. Ledger decided to go and die on me in Miss Olsen's apartment. How could he?? He could have at least waited til he'd have a better legacy than a demonic Joker.
Or...
How, Mrs. Clinton needs to let Omar Bin Laden take her place in the race, cause at least he has cool hair and a funny accent.
Actually... Everyone should just drop out of the race, and let me be in charge of disposing of the bush administration and become sole ruler of this mess of a country.
You know I'd be good ;)
"Artists use lies to tell truths, politicians use lies to cover up the truth..." --"A-V"
What have I been doing all this time? There's no excuse for such a long lapse in my posts!
Okay...
maybe there is.
Where have I been? Well, let's just say I don't have to worry about "boring" old kentucky anymore (thank god it lasted only a couple months). I've been around, just not around around in my head enough to have a seat and write out my pointless ramblings that maybe only one or two people ever take the time to read anyway.
I live in a little apartment, in a climate of an avg. -20 degrees F. Eek! yes... I know.
Darn that global warming, y'know?
At least when the car wont start or the door is frozen shut, or kids are getting frostbite in 3 minutes and watching their fingers fall off, I get to stay inside and curl up with a cozy afgan and a ginger ale and do absolutely nothing all day.
The power likes to go off, and then my really expensive 10 dollar flea market heat-blanket is useless. But then again, yes, let's just make it even more bulkier and thrown in a back up battery system!!
There is a male of some kind sleeping on the bed above mine who has no concern for whether I see his goodies or not... then again neither do I him, but... you know, if it disturbs him enough, maybe he'll leave, eh?
eeoh....then who'll make my soup?
That's pretty much where I am right now... sort of... if you cut out about 90%... but I have to have something to write about later on, right?
Like...
How Mr. Ledger decided to go and die on me in Miss Olsen's apartment. How could he?? He could have at least waited til he'd have a better legacy than a demonic Joker.
Or...
How, Mrs. Clinton needs to let Omar Bin Laden take her place in the race, cause at least he has cool hair and a funny accent.
Actually... Everyone should just drop out of the race, and let me be in charge of disposing of the bush administration and become sole ruler of this mess of a country.
You know I'd be good ;)
"Artists use lies to tell truths, politicians use lies to cover up the truth..." --"A-V"
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