To the children in Heaven

Don’t you just love it when you write this big, long, important email to someone, and then your computer freezes, and it took you so long to type and you just cant ever find the time again to rewrite it….heh….yea.. I hate it when that happens…esp. when you’re like me and half the time you just let your fingers write/type what they type and and you don’t really pay attention and yet it still all comes out perfect, but if it gets deleted, you cant remember for the life of you what you said exactly, so it will never be as good again.. lol.. and I’m rambling. So anyways..gotta get caught up, so Friday night I went out with friends. Yes, me, Julie Hebenstreit…(I’ll take this time tell those of you certain people, and im not pointing fingers, how to pronounce that, it is, Heb-en-stright…is it clear now? Lol.. not hevenstraight…theres no ‘v’ in case you didn’t know it, and if you’re tryin to be clever and pronounce it in german grammar, I can assure you that the ‘b’ does not make the ‘v’ sound. BUT if you DO want to be clever then, don’t pronounce the first part as what you think is german grammar and the second half as American. Ei does make and ‘eh’ sound, but not in german………wow…lol, I sure can ramble) So…where was I? I went out with friends.. we were watching old movies that people we knew a long while ago made when they were young, as well as the ones we did when we were young. Lol, all of those people that were in them are now on their missions, otherwise we would never have gotten our hands on those. But ours were just as ‘bad’. Its good though, because it brang back a lot of good memories. And seeing all of those guys…man, really makes you miss them. 2 years! Only two more years til they all come home but then, get married and leave again, * sigh* oh well…those good ol’ days are over.
Well, Saturday I spent at home, and I admit I said no to a couple invitations to do ‘something’. But anyways, I did finish a drawing, colored in prisma colors… (don’t ask how I could afford 72 of them..because I couldn’t, it was a gift..can you believe that? I’ll tell you this much ‘so and so’ received a lot of praise for that one, he/she couldn’t afford them either and yet, here I’ve got them..I feel too spoiled, I don’t really deserve that.) I also have gotten a bit farther on another song. Working on getting it tabbed for guitar. I’m getting evan to help with the violin part. But piano and lyrics are mine. I want to make a CD, I mean, I’ve got enough songs as long as I finish them. But no, not a CD that’ll go big, just for friends and family I guess. I don’t like the attention. I don’t even like what I’ve gotten now for that last song! I mean, it’s the weirdest thing to hear someone humming your song. And well…I guess that’ll be my be-lated new years resolution. To make a CD of some sort……*sigh*…that’s gonna take a lot of time, work and confidence, but …unfortunately its official, I’ve already said it, so now I have to do it.
So anyways, I also watched a couple movies. I really liked “A Beautiful Mind”. I’m surprised I hadn’t seen it already. But it was really good. And I didn’t really mind watching it alone either. Then again, after it, you always want to discuss it with someone, but if no ones watched it then they show no interest. Yes, yes, I know it has a lot to do with math…what are you thinking Julie? That could be dangerous, you know…..Okay, I have to admit, it did give me a slightly better appreciation for the stuff. Heck, the way my life’s so twisted, I’ll probably end up in Princeton too, lol…But anyways, it was a very very good movie, and I like that it was based on a true story, I also felt like I understood the man’s situation, I mean, a lot better than you’d think. But I wont give away the secret…^_^
So…lets see.. what else did I do.. well, I fell asleep writing lyrics and music, way to be! Lol, yea, that’s me. Sorry, couldn’t help myself, when you suddenly get an idea, they keep coming and coming and you just get so carried away with it. Yea, I know… I guess that’s why they think me odd. I am strange I guess, and I don’t really mind, if people don’t like me for it, then they don’t like me.
Well anyways…It was stake conference today, so left at 9am…President Hepworth…gotta love him. Well..I mean, he always gets me so excited about whatever he is talking about. So, now, I’m feeling even more charitable than I already am.. sorry if I sound like I’m bragging, cause I’m not. I can be rather selfish at times, but who isn’t? ask anyone, I’ve got this thing about little African children, malnourished and starving…well, African and south American and Asian…well pretty much any and every where. I’ve already decided, that I’m gonna adopt a child from one of those countries, despite whether or not my husband agrees, lol.
Anyways, I cant remember his name, but I’ve met him a lot of times, but he was talking about refuges that we can go to…that our home should be a refuge, we should be able to feel the safest there. And there was somethings he pointed out specifically to parents…I desperately hope it made a difference. The next refuge he mentioned was in marriage, and your spouse. That you should feel safe with them no matter where you are or what trouble you are in. And the last pace, he said, that we should seek refuge in God. That that is the best possible place we could go, the best person too turn to.
Well, talking about this reminds me of last week, I know it’s a bit cheesy, but it was about motherhood. Kind of gets me excited and incredibly nervous. Because now that I think about it, I’m gonna have to teach them, and if I want them to turn out better than me, then I have to be better. This is strange, I know, but I feel like I already love them. I know that it cant be possible right? They do not exist….but they really do, just not on earth right now, and I can imagine those children up there looking down, watchin me and saying, ‘oh god, you’re really going to send us down to her…why me?’ hey! Well you know what! Just for that…I’m going to show you that I can be a person you want to come to.
Lol…well…I guess, I am..a little….extremely odd…but you know..it doesn’t really matter what the world thinks of you, right? As long as you’re not doing anything wrong. Well…I think I’ve strayed far enough today. Besides, the length of this post is so long already!

hm hm

well... hello again. had a pretty interesting day...not really....I've been in a good mood today, but its just a 'normal' day. I really am happy though, its starting to get warmer and the snow is melting, it is odd though, because it usually stays until late march...later than that actually. one time it was snowing in june. Anyways...I've sudden;y been a little more aware of some of those...um..urges..I'll say. I was doin good for a while. But oh well.
But yea, in case you didn't notice, I absolutely cannot wait for spring, everything is so much more alive. I love it. For more reasons than the fact that it is warmer, lighter, and livlier.
but thats a different story.
I dont really know what else to say right now..besides, I get tired a lot faster these days..due to...well, certain things that sleep is the best way to overcome.
and also, I did promise a friend i would meet her..um....five minutes ago..I sort of got carried away with something. but anyways....I guess since theres not much to talk about, I'll stop talking ttyl

*sing song voice*Its beginning to look a lot like Spring again!!

well.. I know I posted just this morning, but I'm bored again...lol...and still in a fairly good mood, its kind of nice. And its sort of...strange..I mean, I'm not used to it. its like discovering it for the first time. well.. anyways, so..yea, ethan's parents are divorcing now, got the news not two minutes ago, its really sad. AND they're making him choose. Thing is...I know from passed experience, that he is well aware that my weakness is sympathy. and anyone really can use that against me...because with that boy, you've got to be real careful. He is so unexpected. almost as unpredictable as me..heh...but not quite. he's the strangest person you'll ever meet too...but thing is, I guess, what he has a problem with is forgiving himself. thats his biggest weakness I think.
Well, anyways, I wont really talk much about him. Then there's scotty, who I've ignored, and avoided, and so far haven't heard from in a while. just as long as I can hold it off til he leaves for florida.
Enough with the semi-depressing stuff.
so, its beginning to look like spring again!! I know it may be a months away, but I can smell it and feel it. and I love it! I got a rose from last night, and I've hung it up in my room, because I love the fresh scent it gives off, it reminds me of spring, and rain. but the sun has been out and I've started hearing birds again, I saw some grass too, though it was dead, it was still there, stil grass. It gets me excited. I hate the cold, I've lived in the cold too long.
So, yea, I know im a bit cheesy but, I'm dying for spring to come. I cant stand these long dark winters anymore...

yesterday...

well.. yesterday started out terrible, got even more terrible, worse and worse and worse....and then by the time I was leaving school.. I was walking, still tuned out from the world around me, and it just sort of hit me, I dont know exactly what..or how to explain, but I just was suddenly okay with it all, and was happy...sort of, esp since all day I just wanted to go home and curl up in bed, but I didnt really get home until aroun 8;30.. it was kinda of nice, kind of not. (haven't been out of my room that long in a while.. *wink*) after school, I went straight out to Sugar and had piano, for about an hour and 15 minutes that took, took a while to get there and back. umm.. yay....I got my festival songs...one's three pages and the other is four, ugh.. a three page boroque song...and I've got to get them mastered and memorized by may 13..yay, so excited.. lol. Whoa! that reminds me, I have this recital tomorrow, I completely forgot, stupid boroque recital....okay..not stupid....but...when you have no idea its going to happen until the day bbefore lol...I also just remember they're gonna ask me to play my song. well.. didn't think it was that famous. its really weird when you walk by someone and you realize they're humming your song. Its really strange.. lol.
Anyways.. after that, I got home, for thirty minutes I spent half getting ready half eating dinner, then off to rehearsal, that we didn't get that far on, and then for the play... ugh, I wore a gorgeous dress, one that I could never afford...but it was beautiful all the same, though it was a little hard to breath in lol...BUT I didn;t trip on stage! its a miracle! ...anyways...after that... I came home, got on line for a short while, enough for my last blog, while rocking Emily who was missing her mother. but she fell asleep before mom even got back.
So that was basically the good side of my day yesterday.
oh yea, btw.. Cory, well, turns out the bloody mouth was a result of his teeth coming out, but he's okay now and the other guy is chrged with battery. well gtg

The Raven

The Raven
by Edgar Allan Poe
First Published in 1845
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door." 'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door;Only this, and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December,And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrowFrom my books surcease of sorrow, sorrow for the lost Lenore,.For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore,Nameless here forevermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtainThrilled me---filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating," 'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door,Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door.This it is, and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,"Sir," said I, "or madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;But the fact is, I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,That I scarce was sure I heard you." Here I opened wide the door;---Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearingDoubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,And the only word there spoken was the whispered word,Lenore?, This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word,"Lenore!" Merely this, and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,Soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before,"Surely," said I, "surely, that is something at my window lattice.Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore.Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore." 'Tis the wind, and nothing more."

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,In there stepped a stately raven, of the saintly days of yore.Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;But with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door.Perched upon a bust of Pallas, just above my chamber door,Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven thou," I said, "art sure no craven,Ghastly, grim, and ancient raven, wandering from the nightly shore.Tell me what the lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore."Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,Though its answer little meaning, little relevancy bore;For we cannot help agreeing that no living human beingEver yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door,Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,With such name as "Nevermore."

But the raven, sitting lonely on that placid bust, spoke onlyThat one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.Nothing further then he uttered; not a feather then he fluttered;Till I scarcely more than muttered, "Other friends have flown before;On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before."Then the bird said, "Nevermore."

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store,Caught from some unhappy master, whom unmerciful disasterFollowed fast and followed faster, till his songs one burden bore,---Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden boreOf "Never---nevermore."

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linkingFancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore --What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore Meant in croaking "Nevermore."

Thus I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressingTo the fowl, whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease recliningOn the cushion's velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o'er,But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o'erShe shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censerSwung by seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor."Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee -- by these angels he hathSent thee respite---respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!Quaff, O quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!"Quoth the raven, "Nevermore!"

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil!--prophet still, if bird or devil!Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,Desolate, yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted--On this home by horror haunted--tell me truly, I implore:Is there--is there balm in Gilead?--tell me--tell me I implore!"Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil--prophet still, if bird or devil!By that heaven that bends above us--by that God we both adore--Tell this soul with sorrow laden, if, within the distant Aidenn,It shall clasp a sainted maiden, whom the angels name Lenore---Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels name Lenore?Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting--"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!Leave my loneliness unbroken! -- quit the bust above my door!Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sittingOn the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming.And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floorShall be lifted---nevermore!

....................................Well.. I think that Edgar was a genius..i hate it how everyone always..underestimates.. or takes his work for granted ..it really means more if you think about it..most people when they here the name..they automatically think, oh that one schizo/psycho path guy who married his cousin…..okay.. first of all, its not really proven that he did indeed marry his cousin. And second.. yes, it is understood that he did seem to have some ‘mental’ problems… but they were never really diagnosed. And it doesn’t really matter because I think that people who are proclaimed ‘crazy’ …are just living in their heads.. they aren’t really crazy…what they do and think is just too much for the rest of the world to comprehend. It just makes TOO much sense for the rest of the world to understand…hehe…..thats my opinion at least…I know, I’m odd…but I don’t really know why, but even though this is a very famous poem..I like it a lot..every part has thousands of meanings. There may even be meanings that Poe didn’t even realize. Most people told me this poem scares them…I like it though..it doesn’t necessarily only symbolize death you know…anyways I gotta go

the blooding..again?

Well..I’m back again…its strange I’ve never really been so continuous and frequent on a blog before….anyways…so today was okay..not bad but not necessarily wonderful.
After all…it is the end of the trimester. The most stressful time of all..finals and presentations galore to get ready for! Whoot! I’m soo excited…
Anyways..so…yea anyways…so..today, it was kinda sad, one of my friends got punched, sort of got in a fight…but he didn’t start it, he just defended himself. Though not very good. Chris, the one who officially ‘started’ it had not a scratch and when I had to leave, cory’s mouth was still full of blood…

Yea, anyways..so…seeing that blood sort of..well, triggered something again, unfortunately.. That I thought I had under control for quite a while but…I guess…that was only because my eyes weren’t seeing those things, and I dedicated every moment to shoving certain thoughts out of my mind. I don’t want anything to happen to anyone.

Shoot…I have to go now…I’ve got a dress rehearsal…

I wonder if....

hum hum hum...so yea...today has been interesting, surprisingly.....or...well.. i guess not so surprising, nothings really changed since last night, if anything has gotten worse. But no worries...
anyways...i meant to hae today as a day to catch up on..well everything...especially school, because I am sooo behind, and it doesn't help that im not exactly the most organized person in the world. But anyways...I did get one report done (...yay...)...so far, but I've got the rest of then night to work on everything else if I can bring myself to. And they wonder why I cant keep up with myself when I'm always locked up in my room....well, here's some news, I wonder too. What do i do in there all day? must be something productive.......heh....yea.....in a way...
but I guess maybe I'll let a little bit of the secret out...so..I write music, do some art, listen to music depending on my mood....and.........well.......the rest is my own business. It strange how i always leave some things out in any journal I write, because I know some day someones gonna read it, and there are just some things I'd like to take with me to the grave. y'know?
sometimes even I have no idea what I do.
yea, I know, I'm an incredibly strange..thing. But you get used to it.
So anyways...today, I didn't do much, woke up and did some work...I went out in the morning, for a walk..more like and excuse to get away. then....did some more things, talked to someone for a little bit, though I wish I could've talked longer. then...went out for another short walk, ( I dont really care if its 25 below zero out there...if you wait long enough, you'll turn numb and it wont really matter anyway)...did some more work, whatever i was told to do....then when i got the chance, i curled up on the couch and watched this documentary on Coldplay. Good band. Very talented, I recommend. But then again, I am leaving out alot of major things that are the main things that've put me into the mood I'm in...I guess, its a little strange to me because i told myself I wouldn't let myself get depressed for so long again, but its already been over 24 hours..and I haven't really changed. I mean...believe me, if you get depressed for several days straight, bad things happen.
You know, I wonder if....well....nevermind. That would be bringing another one of my fantasys or dreams into the pictures, things that'll never happen.
...well....my thoughts are swirling again, not really sure how to write what I want to say or whats in there....its sort of hard when you dont have the right motivation...

well...anyways, I sort of just got a random 'epiphany' to add to a song I've been workin on today, who knows, maybe oneof these days, I'll get another song actually finished rather than a bunch of little unfinished peices. Thing is...i guess it doesn't matte rif no one's ever going to hear them except me. ( oh and besides that song thats already been turned in...but thats a different story)
So anyways...i'm gonna go...

dreams are a strange thing

So..yesterday was a really good day, save for a few things by the end of the day…but I don’t really feel like talking about that now. Yea, so anyways, lately I’ve been having these dreams, I think last Tuesday or so I had this really..sort of scary/depressing/sad one. I mean, this’ll sound pathetic, but I thought it was really strange, by the end of the dream (or rather the time I had woken up to some small sound elsewhere in the house(I’m a light sleeper)) I guess.. I remember I was crying, due to what was happening in the dream, but when I woke up, my face was wet with tears..does that happen often? If you cry in a dream, you cry in real life? I was a little confused at first because the dream was still fresh in my mind, so I was still thinking it was real. But now that I look back on it…I never really thought of this..about what dreams are…if they’re just explained by memories being dug out during REM or if they’re scenes from a passed life, or a future happening..I’m not sure exactly which explanation I believe, but I’m actually starting to think, this one sort of was just meant as a lesson. I know, strange….dreams cant mean anything, hey? Sometimes, you’ll believe it anyways, and even if it meant nothing. It still made a lesson, and even if dreams cant mean anything, if that was the case, then this was a coincidence. But then again..I don’t really believe in coincidences….
Anyways…the next day I had another very clear, vivid dream. This was more of a happy one, I don’t exactly remember all the details and I try not to as usually, the more you try to remember the more you forget. But I woke up knowing something. Turns out it was true…so I guess that must be a coincidence too, right? Yea anyways…next dreams I had were disturbing..I guess you could say nightmares…but I get those often so no big deal, and I try not to summon those memories at all. I’ll say while I’m still on the subject, some more strange things about dreams I get…for one thing, sometimes I get continuous ones..if that makes sense. Like, I’ll have a dream one night and it’ll get interrupted by an alarm clock or something.. then the next day, it carries on from where it left off, it’s a little strange..sort of like I paused in time since my dreams seem so realistic. And another thing is, that I’ll have dreams that take place in a particular place, usually a place I’ve never been before…and then, days, months, weeks, years later..I’ll have a dream with a completely different plot but that takes place in the same place…as did that first dream I talked about up there ^^^

Yea.. anyways enough about the dreams….its strange how I always seem to have the urge to write when I’m not feeling particularly high-spirited…I guess it eases the pain or anger or stress…or whatever..yea…so I guess to assume that I’m not in the best of moods..I’ll write what I’m havin trouble with now.. and that’s basically too much stress I’m guessing..considering things that happened last night, and just everyday events that just simply pile on until I cant hold myself together, I end up blowing up on someone, then slowly sink into a depression, locking myself in my room…which ironically enough has happened, except, its been a few hours and I’ve slunked out, and here I am. I guess I’ve cooled… but I’ve gone from happy yellow, to a short spike of crimson red, and now to a pale bluish black….heh.. if that makes sense. But it’s the usual I guess. It happens often, just forget the good things. Anyways..I guess by the end of each day I just get so tired of the kicking, hitting, fighting, noise, chaos, pain..hurt, and blaming…I just..snap…and fall into a million pieces.. then eventually sleep comes, that usually takes the place of eating, and I can escape for a while, though…most times not into the best new world that the unconscious mind has to offer…but surprisingly sometimes, I’d sooner choose that dark world than the one I’m already in. I know, I’m strange…but..gotta live with it I guess, cause I don’t think I’ll change.

So anywho, enough with the depressing junk, that’s not all I live for, though I do believe that sometimes. But still, there are some things, that I forget in times of depression or stress or sadness, that do make me happy, give me something to better to live for.. but I cant have that all of the times,..just sometimes…and I feel spoiled enough to get that much.

Well..I’ve got to go now..tend to the needs, as always..

Short and Sweet

hmm...I'll write a short one because I haven't a lot of time....
I guess I'd be using this one for other reasons, I've got two blogs already, I dont really need another.. but you know, sometimes you want to write things that you dont want 'certain' people to read, but others you do, and if everyone already knows about your blog then that sort of foils it.....anyways...I guess I wont write anymore today, heh... what an interesting post! so elaborate...