Just need a hug

Today started out fine, beautiful weather. But by now, I'm just exhausted. Someone hit a transformer today and the whole campus lost power for an hour or so, even byington. Yet we had to stay and continue to work in the dark. With the windows, the lighting was fair enough..... for people with good eyes! Some teachers don't take in account everyone personally, why is that? True, a person can only do so much. But can't possibly expect so much out of someone who cant see!

The bus I'm taking is getting too overcrowded...a lot of the middle schoolers get on that bus at one of the stops, and after that...it's just terrible. Hot and crowded, with people sitting on eachother and sitting or standing in the aisle or even the stairwell! Literally stepping over childrens heads to get out the door. Not to mention having to carry a bag full of textbooks......well...I suppose I cant complain, some people have it worse.

Then when I finally walked all the way down to my house, I found it locked...of course...no one home and the spare key wasn't where it should have been. This was half good and half bad. Bad, because I was left out there for an hour not knowing if something had happened or not, and good because it gave me some thinking time :) Knowing me, when I'm thinking like that, I start doing a few things like...poping my knuckles ( I know... bad habit) or drawing all over my hands. So, that's what I did....a design on my hand, began as a 'happy holidays' intended snowflake... but snowflakes are too simple. So it soon morphed into some kind of faceless creature coiling around my hand, fingers. Becoming a story in my mind.

But the night should go better...there's a rainbow out side and its just started sprinkling again.

"If you think that taking care of yourself is selfish, change your mind. If you don't, you're simply ducking your responsibilities"
--Ann Richards

"And I said to myself, I have things in my head that are not like what anyone has taught me - shapes and ideas so near to me - so natural to my way of being and thinking that it hasn't occured to me to put them down. I decided to start anew, to strip away what I had been taught." --Georgia O'Keeffe :)

The Kettle

Ahhhhh!! Black Friday. Unlike all those idiots ( wink) , I went for Black Saturday and managed to obtain absolutely nothing! Of course, aimlessly wandering while engaging in a most interesting conversation with a guy I hardly know (met on the bus ??) and not even trying to take advantage of the holiday sales by wasting....errr... I mean spending all my money on 'gifts' that'll only turn out to be for myself in the end anyway....get's me nowhere. It's truely fascinating to see what people will do to get those discounts these days!! Sleep in the parking lot of BestBuy for a week!! Trample over eachother for a household appliance! People just become mindless monsters, dont they? :P Of course, there are upsides to having those mad, mindless monsters as friends....."Hey, I spent the night, and got just what I wanted, but while I was there, I figured...what the heck, a 1 gig thumbdrive for 15 bucks, I'll buy three!" And there you are, a 'gift', and you didn't even have to wait in line.

And to think, in some parts of the world...people are reacting the same way (trampling eachother, sleeping in the cold, waiting hours in line) just to get the necessities.........exp. food, uncontaminated water.

And....AND....With all those people rushing to go shopping, only one in hundred have enough time to stop and drop a quater in the old man with the bell and the Salvation Army uniform's box.

Cornucopia

Tak, Meerci, Kansha shimasu, Danke, Shukria, Xie xie, Gestena/Nais, Grazie, Gracias....Muchos gracias, Thank you. (All I can think of off the top of my head). Thanksgiving. I think the holiday has lost its meaning for most people. All it is to them is a day off to watch football and stuff your face. And you know, you think about the story...and it has become more mythology than reality. I highly doubt they even had turkey! So what does turkey have to do with anything? What does football have to do with anything? Macy's Day parade has got such extravagant floats that have absolutely nothing to do with the original meaning(Snoopy?). I am not so sure that when Abraham Lincoln signed to make this a holiday he meant for it to be used how it is nowadays.

Okay okay...yea, the traditions that have developed are fun and loved. But really...All people have to do is think about the name of the holiday. Thanksgiving. Thanks---giving. Giving--thanks... lol, I just hope that everyone stopped for a minute to thank their God(s), their neighbors, friends, family, or even complete strangers who do you good. Hardly anyone says thank you anymore. Just so used to being given so many things. But someone does something as simple as holding a door open for you, hearing a 'thank you' from you could mean the world to them. Could just make their day. Maybe that's a little miscalculated, but you never know, do you? I mean, What harm is it going to do? How much energy does it take to say those two simple words? So.... we're too lazy/busy to say thank you, but not to busy to blab on and on about how much better we are than the next person.

Anyway, I love Thanksgiving time, even though it's being a little over-run by Christmas. It's just a great holiday, just reminds me to be grateful every other day of the year too. As cheesy as it sounds, we should all just take the other persons hands and say thank you. Just say thank you. Even if they laugh, it means something to them whether they show it or not. Heck, everyone needs their self-esteem boosted every once and a while. :P

So....Thank you, Creator, for everything you've given me. For this earth with its beauty and its pleasures and its horrors. For sunrises and sunsets. For having pain, and more importantly for having the ability to love. To the Ancients, Dua netjer en ahk!

How to save a life?

It's not right. It's got to stop....they're just making everyone hurt, frustrated, angry, negative, sad, depressed. It has go to stop! If they can't do it themselves....like they had thought from the beginning...thought that it would be perfect, average...thought that it was what they wanted.

Apparently it wasn't.

I think....hey.. it's none of my business...But no, it is. I have every right to step in. It affects me very much. It affects people I care about. Whether me stepping in does any good or not. I could try the magic word...maybe knock some sense into both of them. But I don't think it will work, with her at least.

Maybe this is why I've had such problems with them. Because they're being so attracted to this house. It's not me.....it's that they come, and because I'm one of those people who get so drained by letting everyone come to me, vent on me, feed off of me, they take advantage.

Maybe this is why I'm here? To cure four people, to save two...from what seems..their biggest mistake as of yet.

Pink sky

I saw the most beautiful sunrise this morning.

Chasing Cars

The whole newest CD is great...Eyes Open

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.

Within you I lose myself...Without you I find myself...Wanting to be lost again.

"If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden." --attributed to Claudia Ghandi

"The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected." --Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.

No Regrets

You know, I am really happy where I am......I think so. I mean, I know so. Everything's almost perfect. I suppose nothing can ever be 'perfect', (wishful thinking) but it can sometimes get pretty damn close.

This is my little adventure. I got a head start and chose to face the real world before I was forced to face the real world. Rebel me. You do it that way, I do it this way. But I'm happy with it. It's hard sometimes....really hard. I know it's the best thing for me now though. I have no regrets.

Sometimes I lay there, thinking about how horrible it is..how much I miss a person...several people. How much I miss a way of living, and yet...can't stand the thought of going back to it. How scared I am to move forward...jump out to people, discover new hights, discover new possibilities, new emotions, new pains. An experiment.

Sometimes I lay there, thinking about how wonderful it is. All of the new people I meet. All of the new ideas I come across. The unimaginable amount of variety in the world. The colors, the sounds, the lights, the people, the thoughts, the world. I'm where I'm supposed to be. After so long. Someone once told me that... "...if it is what you are supposed to do, then it will happen..." or something to that effect. But the meaning was there. If it is where I'm meant to be, where I'm supposed to be, where I'm written to be....then I'll be there. If it is what I'm supposed to do then I'll do it. I cannot honestly say I believe in chance, coincidence. So I believe I'm here for a purpose...or at least to find a purpose. I don't know yet...but I'm loving it. Loving letting my spirit do what it has always urged to.

Make Love, Not War

Oh no...here it is again, elections. Julie, don't get yourself started on this now....politics. Yea, well.. I've been yellin at the TV for the passed three weeks. Jesus...Tennessee's the worst of them! Harold Ford and Bob Corker.......I read about Ford's ideas on the plane over here last June.........phhhff...I do not like him. He even looks like the sleazy, car-dealer type that's just gonna rip you off. I strongly dislike all of them with a passion. Maybe I'd vote for the one person who doesn't put out these terrible ad's and commercials bashing harder and harder every time on the other guy. You know what I'm sayin? :)

Lemme just say, this government IS FALLING APART!! Why don't we just fire the whole damn bunch in Washington and start out new?? A person can only be given so much power for only so much time before it totally distorts and changes (usually, for the worse) their very being. When people talk about our government.... you just wanna say, "Yea......Wait a minute.....we have a government!??"

Okay, yes...I can give them at least some credit, as no one is gonna like a president, or government, during a war. But then, that word 'war' comes up. People talk about what we're doing over there in Iraq like it's a fight for our freedom, for our rights as a nation......Wait, what? No one is taking over our nation. And you said the reason was oil? No wait, you said..it was to help liberate Iraqi people....or....did you say it was to help cleanse the world of terror? Find nuclear weapons? I'm confused, Stop changing the cause! Why are we over there, killing innocent people on both sides? Clear answer please. Let's not allow this to become the Vietnam war again. Let's not allow it to be the beginnings of WW3.

Well, I do admit, we couldn't stand by and do nothing while hundreds of our people were killed...but where's the evidence that we're attacking the right people? And besides, if terrorism is the cause for all this, then why are we only in Iraq? What about all those other countries.....We can group all the countries who have terrorists hiding in them into 2 words. THE WORLD. Heheh...I find it kinda funny how America defines "terrorist(s)" as a person or group of people who commit acts of war without actually declaring war. But....if that's true, then.....couldn't America be considered a terrorist? Well....yes and no... I'll give us that much. We didn't really declare war..and yet we did, but on terrorism itself, not on Iraq or anything/one else. How can we blame a region, a country, a race, a religion...? For one thing 'Jews' were never the cause of anything, and neither are 'Muslims'. Those muslims that claim to be taking quotes from the Qu'ran and saying that Islam teaches this or that, or what the true meaning of Jihad is... "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword." They're just taking those quotes out of context! That last quote....(Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.) The New Testament, Matthew 10:34. It's just the same. You can make it mean anything you want it to. I am not taking sides or defending any one side..I'm on my own side. I'll support a person for who they are, not where they come from, not their religion, not their race.

I just disagree with Bush, he's up to no good. Sometimes he acts and sounds like he thinks he's God or something. And we've got 2 more years of this?? Seeing how far we've gotten now, you begin to wonder what sort of disgusting world we're going to live in by then, and whether or not it will be able to be mended.

I wrote this big long opinion essay on America's law process, freedom of speech concerning the 14yr. old girl who was pulled out of school and interrogated by our secret service. Maybe I'll add some of that, although, I cannot mention everything that I had written there as....it deals exactly with that girls case. They'd hunt me down for saying some of those things. But I personally do think it's a good idea that they did investigate a little bit on that girls comments, but they did not need to go so deep as they did. Nothing even as drastic as taking a girl out of class to question her (and without her parents knowing/consent??). If I were president and people were posting things like, "Kill so and so"(me). Then, yea.. I couldn't help but be a little worried. But the thing is, a lot of people in America and all over the world feel this way and express it in different ways...so you just can't start of a brouhaha about a 14 yr. old's myspace carrying nonsense threats, especially since the law here..(one of the reasons we are AMERICA...america the free....america the great...) says specifically, "FREEDOM OF SPEECH". Can you really put limits on freedom without it changing the whole meaning of the word? Signing up for president includes stuff like this, you've got to be aware that no, not everyone is going to magically love you, and yes, there will be hundreds of empty threats.

Look, no one get the impression that I hate my country, no one get the impression that I'm with the "terrorists" or "extremists" or whoever the hell else is the bad guys here. I do love my country, my country is great! It's beautiful, the people are beautiful. I can have patriotism towards what America originally stood for. I can pledge allegience to that America....not to one president, or one government, or this new america that has formed. It's dying. It's kind of sad. And the people in high places that actually have good sense about what is happening talk about it, yea. ...and they have the capability of doing something about it, they have a strong word but....do they use it? No...of course not.

I just look around at what's happening. I look pretty deep into these things, because I know things are hidden, either by people in higher places, or by your own steriotypical, judgemental, brainwashed mind. Force myself to see the truth no matter how much I might not want to. Take a step back from the painting, stop pressing our noses so close, trying to see the details when taking a step or two back shows it all to you. I just wonder how it'll be in a year...two...three...5...10. If we keeping going the way we are, I don't know if I want to be alive then. But..I suppose, look on the bright side of things....even in war. Even in war, there is beauty.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'--Theodore Rooseveltte

There never was a good war or a bad peace. --Benjamin Franklin

For everything there is a season, And a time for every matter under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to seek, and a time to lose; A time to keep, and a time to throw away; A time to tear, and a time to sew; A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate, A time for war, and a time for peace. --Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

SoBe

I had a rough week...really rough. But when all is said and done, it ends with me staying up all night with my sobe green tea, watching the most beautiful moon I've seen in a month climb across the sky. Thinking, how in heaven's name did I manage to get myself into another problem like this. Thinking, yea.. they're right, I am stupid, this is probably the stupidest thing I've ever done (Thinking now, hey, I might have a decent plot for that book now:) ). But you know, the more people bring me down.. push me farther, the more I'm motivating myself. Rather than taking it as another blow to the head, I think I'll start using it as an incentive. You say I'm stupid, well I'll prove that I'm not...(anymore, at least :p). Call me arrogant, insolent, cocky...whatever...ButI'm saying... I am a good person. I really am. I makes some bad mistakes... but with good intentions. I know the good intentions don't justify the mistake, the pain, the humiliation...but this is life; everything happens for a reason. In reality, there are no mistakes. There's only carrying out what was meant to be...enduring what one needs to. If there's no valid justification, save for "everything happens for a reason", for a mistake, it doesn't mean it can't be fixed. Now, I don't think anyone/thing can really be 'fixed', but can be made better...find an alternative security, an optomistic upliftment, and cling to it. Embrace the pain when it comes, but let it go when it becomes too much to handle. Just let it go. Those demons inside you are there and encouraged only because of and by yourself.

I know my problem is only nearing its end, but it's not quite there yet. There's still much more to sort out. But I'm getting there. Just ought not to get too comfortable yet. But I believe things are going to get better... They're going upward, not down. Tomorrow will bring better and new and good things. As will the next day and the next.

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow. — Orison Swett Marden, american journalist

the only way

He sent me your log from the other night I think. I only had one of my addresses then. And duddums doesn't exist anymore, so the only reason I got your message was because he sent me the log...and I guess he wasn't thinking as I knew right away what it was just knowing you had taken them back from him. And thank goodness you did....it's funny how destiny comes around like this.....Whether you conciously knew why or not...you got them months before now.. probably just for this purpose. But it doesn't solve this. I am still stuck. And I really really appreciate you wanting to sacrifice everything so that I dont have to. But...this isn't your war....this isn't your rut. I got myself into this, and I have to pay the price. At this point...I'm still his...and I'm still twisting my words and trying to find a way out....I'll find a way... I promise, and it's not death. Just knowing that was his intentions through all of this....makes me not want to do it anymore. Motivates me more. But I'm sorry if anything happens, and I'm sorry to have gotten you all tangled in this too. You should not suffer for my mistakes. If I can't stop him, then yes... everything is ruined for me...I have an idea how i might weasel my way out of it.. but it will most likely never work, it is false hope. My only hope is that he stops his insanity and starts acting like the adult he is. That he realizes who I am... and that revenge is never right. And....overall...just leaves both of us alone...peacefully. If he doesn't....and if he does carry out his threats.. then...I'll probably never see you, talk to you...ever again.. or at least, not for a very long long time. But no need to look at this situation in a pessimistic light. Look at it with optimism...It'll work out fine and I'll talk him out of all of this...talk him back to sanity. But for now... I just have to be very careful...just have to obey. 831831831 syawla!