Different from many

This post will be a little..different...

I know, I leeched onto you because you were the first person that got so close to actually understanding me..but then again, in the end, you were only ‘so close’. You were also the first person to ever tell me that you really loved me.

And now I realize that…you were my life. I couldn’t stop thinking about you because you were my hope, that's all. My only hope that things would get better one day. That maybe one day, I would not be so alone. That maybe one day that thirst would be quenched. The torture would stop.

I thought I wanted to hurt myself. But I didn’t…I just didn’t care if someone came and kidnapped me, molested me, raped me, tortured me, killed me…It’s like I don’t care. And yet I do..I do only because I’d die without a purpose. I thought I didn’t care because I can deal with physical pain just fine…To me…it’s not as bad as the torture I’ve been going through every day.

I said I wanted a gun to my head...not my leg, arm…not my heart. My head, because it is my mind that is the torture. It’s my mind that I want to stop.

You’re right, I wouldn’t do it to myself. That’s why you never take me seriously. Kinda makes me want to just to prove myself.

I wouldn’t do it to myself, but I’d let someone else do it to me.

I’m grateful for life, I’m grateful for this body and spirit, I’m garateful for a chance to live, and yes, I’m also grateful for this mind. I know that contradicts everything..but I am well aware that I am only being tested to see how long I can last before he allows me to move on. Maybe I am even being tested for other things as well. So, I am grateful for that.

But it doesn’t mean I’m invincible, it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard, it doesn’t mean it isn’t torture, or that I’m not alone. I am, and that’s part of my purpose, part of my test. But I see no rule that says I cant talk about the pain, no rule that says I cant hate it. No rule that says I can’t want, need, wish, hope.

It will be like this for the next, at least, four years as long as I can survive it well, without dying or being mentally distorted in some way. I have always known that it is only a matter of time. But I don’t know how much longer I can take. I know that the first part is finding where I need to go next. But I cant do that unless I am free..and I can’t be free unless I have the courage to fight for my freedom.

And now, I just need to find something or someone that’ll get me started, and not let me forget what I’m doing, not let me fall back down despite what is happening in and all around me. I need that, that’s all I need…so that maybe..I can use my time for gaining more courage and mending myself.

This is not my way of self-pity. This is not my way of self-oppression. I’m not here to waste my time with false idols. And I am not here to grant my own wishes.

Ant Habeby

I have not written for ages, I know. I've just been so caught up with everything around me, as well as everything inside me. But right now...my emotions are very...deep, I suppose...so it makes for a good time to catch up.

I'll start with..just the fact that ever since that last post, I've been in a worse chaos then ever before. Nothing went right, it seemed like everything I said or did was wrong...very clumsy (although I usually am anyway), very 'out of it', I could not leave the house..let alone my room. I completely lost track of time and I didn't even know what day it was..I could think one morning, that I was waking up to a tuesday morning..when really...it was already friday. I rarely ate, ended up completely dehydrated. Been letting my emotions go however they wish...so at one point, I could let fear take complete control..and that's a scary thing, lemme tell ya. Always in pain, always feeling as if I was going to die right then and there...Whether I was just feeling that way, or wishing that..I can't be for sure. It has been going on like this (and several more things that I dont care to mention here) from the time I posted last, until just 20 minutes ago.

Dont worry, once I finish this..I plan to eat my first meal of the day, and drink lot's of water.

Anyway, I guess I just had so much stress that it was just..making me psychotic. there were times that I allowed myself to do certain things that I thought would be the key to freeing me of this stress. I highly regret it because it is only a mirage, and I very well knew that from the beginning. You see it far off and think it is the answer to all your problems, that it is complete paradise and relaxation. So you try by any means necessary to get closer..and when you get there, you find that the only real pleasure was merely the imagination..the fantasy.. you had beforehand.

So..many nights were spent with no sleep. Just thinking...crying...wishing...dreaming. Hope. I cried for the many dreams had in the world..that had been ruthlessly crushed in an instant. For the pains of every person on this Earth. For every person who burried the goodness they were born with, burried it so deep..and left it forgotten. For all of the people stripped of their rights, their happiness..and their hope. For every person in this world who is lost, who feels the unneeded punishment of guilt, who need. I cried for the one I love. For the such ingenius way this world, and each and every material thing, experience, emotion, and mind was created. I cried for everything deserving..and for nothing.

In this time of my seclusion...I found, that I feel. I feel everything. everything. So far, my mind and my heart are the two most indescribable creations on this planet. I'll believe that until I find something more. I want to make a frail attempt at showing the world what I see..feel, hear, sense...etc. I try everyday..but it is impossible. Why is it that I can understand a mind so easily? Why is it that I can know exactly a persons true mind, heart and soul just by looking at them once? Why is it that a girl of such a young age is able to remember, understand, comprehend so many, many complicated things? How can a girl this age, teach even the wisest things they didn't know? Where do these memories and this knowledge and hope come from? Who am I really? and why me? As I have said over and over again year after year, to person and person..I am not special, I am not courageous or brave. I am clumsy. I am not a leader.

So where is the truth? Where is the answer? The answer everyone want's. I'll leave that a mystery for the sake of every individual's adventure. It is findable and closer than you think. I do believe in destiny and I do believe in fate..if a person finds it now, then I believe it was meant to happen so. If a person does not find it soon, then I know how that person thinks, how they live, and that their purpose has taken a seperate route. And at this moment in time, I dont believe it matters which path you take. There is isn't a right or wrong.

I had not planned this at all, and I don't know why I have written what I have. But I am very happy now. Very excited. Very wishful...and hopeing that my trusty patience does not fail me now.

Thieves who steal The Grapes

There's something, I've only just realized. An enormous mistake I made..although..this mistake needed to be made in order to set things right when I realize it..which I have now. There is a contact that I lost...lost Him because I stopped believeing that He is in any way real. I never truly stopped believeing..I just no longer wanted to, so I told myself over and over again until I had deceived my own mind. And I accomplished nothing for the better. I found that attempting to block certain things will never work if those things are truly meant to be. They will always be with me, I might dull them..but not for long..years later, when they are desperately needed, they'll resurface, and I cannot block them anymore. Thank you to the saint, Jeanne d'Arc..for bringing me the next step. The symbol is finished.

A New Dawn

I haven't posted for a few days..I actually did try to write though. I'd type something up, and it just wouldn't come out the way wanted/intended it too. Maybe I'll do better this time.

Today's been a tough day. I've been tired, and have a shorter breaking point. I'm not starving myself of food or sleep on purpose. I dont eat much because now, to me, it takes a very long time before I find anything that looks remotely appetizing. I suppose I've got a loss of appetite because of the heat..but who knows. And the sleep..I dont know what's wrong with me there. I just have trouble sleeping now. Whether it be the dreams that I dont want to see, or developing insomnia, or stress, or the time change screwing my body clock up...or fear. I dont know, I wont jump to conclusions though. I tend to do that a lot.

You know, I was thinking..there is something that I really want to do..and somehow, feel that I should do. I want to learn to manipulate energy in other ways. I want to heal people in this way..from anything from emotional, to physical ailments. And I'll make a goal, I've got to heal x amount of people/times...before ever using it for myself. I think it's going to take a while to teach myself this..and to trust that it really works. But..maybe I ought to start with something a little simpler..as I dont know how natural any of this will come to me..maybe start with some pk or something. Which reminds me...of Criss Angel (Sarantakos)...after first seeing what he could do, ages ago..he managed to weasel his way into my list of hero's immediately. I have to say that he is an amazing artist full of talents that any one wishes to have. And of course, you cannot forget David Blaine, although David, I'd have to say isn't quite as remarkable..But they both have equally unique abilities and deserve support and praise for what they do. Bringing life from death. Showing the world what is possible. I honestly believe that not everything they do is an illusion..in fact..it may be the only 'real' thing in this world. I'm not entirely positive that these people know exactly what they are achieveing when they find a dead bird, and bring it back to life, translocate in an uncanny way, or when they levitate, walk on water...Magick= miracles, in my view.

I want to become more in tune with myself, the existence of this world, energy, truth, life, realms, planes, the universe..I want to learn..and then pass it on to everyone I meet, everyone I see, whoever I can... As it is above, it is below...I think I do believe in who and what Tuthmosis was and did. And not only him..I should not point to just one..He stepped up and said what many people thought. I think I do believe in 'As above, is below'. I want to sail the Nile River..ride the arc and sail the Sea of Stars...I want to become a part of it all..and I know, it takes work..it takes a lot of work. Things should not come as easy as they sometimes do on this earth. I know, it's unbelieveable..you've actually got to work, serve to make it. Not only this, "be good, and you wont go to hell"....It was never.. going to a temple and worshiping the god(s)...it was going to the temple (workshop) and working for the gods..serving them the Food. That's how you become like them. That's how you obtain your 'light body' ...(and might I had a little stickup for the egyptians, they were never as crude or satanic a people as they are made out to be..their plan always seems more comforting..more difficult, but more comforting..If you make it there, only to be lost among the stars..Horus will find you and bring you back to try again..He'll not leave you.) Sin..is simply not preparing your mind and body for the change and not serving/working for what you want..that's what sin originally meant..they knew you sinned because you got sick..because you got old and gray..No one has to get sick in this world. Yes, maybe viruses and germs and bacteria are out there..but they cant affect you unless you allow them to do so. It's..in a way, something we created ourselves. Why waste millions of dollars..thousands of peoples lives, trying to find the cure that is right there inside you all along. It is all inside you...the one place you'd never think to look for any of the answers we all seek.

I've gone off on my own little tangent of nonsensible things..I should probably stop, huh?