Will you post this for me?

This thing is taking over. My mind and therefore my body. I can't tell what is real and what isn't. I can no longer tell which pains are real and which are figures of my imagination. I can no longer tell what thoughts are mine and which.. aren't. I don't know how to help myself anymore. Certain things affect me in strange and bad ways now. Like certain quotations will cause pain and voices and hurt and I can't describe it.

I can't tell if it's some other being causing the things that happen to me to happen or if it's just me own screwed up mind. Which voice do I follow? Who do I trust? Who is God anyway? Who or what am I? I'm not pedestrian, I know that. Who are these people I see? Why do they do this to me? What do they want? Should I trust them?

I cannot tell if they are good. My mind will not still itself. Back and forth. Back and forth. Is this me? Blank. Is it good, right? Blank. Cut, burn, pain, reality. And from her arm starts to fall, a beautiful ruby red. What am I supposed to do??!!!

I don't know who I am. Only vaguely, I see myself, but it is hard to hold on. My mind is being taken away. Struggle? But it feels beautiful...It feels good, but do I trust it? It feels good and yet it causes a faint fear in me. Don't give in,, a voice says. It's too hard. Another voice whispers truths and other's intentions/thoughts in my ear. Truths?? or....lies?

Who is this that follows me but is invisible to the eyes of most others? What did I do to recieve this pain, this torture, torment?? Who thrusts their hand into my back, creating such a hole to climb into and eat away my heart? Snake your black coils around every organ inside of me. Coming to my heart and brain, they squeeze...squeeze and pierce and control, I lose myself...See what I say and do, but cry out in my mind "stop!! no! please..." But I continue. I can't stop myself, I've got no control, I can only watch.

What keeps me going when the creature becomes too overwhelming?? cut, burn, pain, reality. The need for such things comes more and more often. How do I stop this? How?? Help me... I do not know god...help me. voices,voices, dreams, visions, pains, unamed and indescribable emotions, thoughts, whispers, shaking, cold goosebumps, hot head, thin strings of sharp pain vibrating off each other.

Try every possible outlet, cure, hope...but no success.. never success. Tried everything but death. Death. Is death the relief? The lastof my faith slowly slips away. I reach for it, I reach for freedom... but it cruelly slips through my fingers. I am honest. If I had done something as bad to deserve this, then our beloved God is not as merciful as we once thought. Is this punishment? a test? fate? insanity? Or one being's idea of fun. I start to forget. Forget what I once thought was real, true, right, good.

If it is not selfish of me to say....please rid me of these images!!! Rid me of this pain, this confusion, this terror! Please help me, I beg...I beg to anyone who listens.... Help me please. I dont want to hurt anyone anymore and I dont want to hurt anymore. I dont want to be scared. I dont want to be his slave. Kill me if you must, I just cant help myself. I cant do this on my own anymore. If all else, just be there for me. Just listen to my nonsense rants and screams without fear. Don't abandon me again...please.

That day

I woke up that morning; my parents had already left for the hospital. A note was left saying that Daine and his father would be taking us to school that day. We waited at the window and I looked down at my triplet step siblings, all so oblivious to the horror that would enfold that day, the confusion that would ensue. Myself; I knew something would happen, but wasn't sure what.

Daine's dad drove up and we stepped out into the cold September air. Our breath e came out in soft smoky billows. We drove slowly around the sharp curves or Pioneer Road. I stared out the half frozen windows of the car, thinking, wondering, in my own little world. I subconsciously listened to my own invented white noise, consisting of the radio news talk, the light hum of the engine, and the laughter of children in the back seat.

Suddenly, Daine's dad turned to me and asked in a panicked voice, " Did you hear that?!"

I just nodded, even though I hadn't. I had been pondering the feeling I had had all morning…the feeling of terror; Something bad was going to happen.

I thought, he must be talking about something he heard on the radio. I listened. All I heard was the babbling voices of, supposedly more important than I, people. Government. Politics. Probably some political squabble that will have absolutely no effect on me whatsoever. I gave up trying to understand, and continues with my Sky Watching. Ah, the sunrise, just now….does no one hold any respect for this event?

As I walked down the hall of the old brick school building, I noticed several teachers glance in the office, see the small TV, and walk slowly in, staring. Jaw dropped. Shocked. The most recent teachers to arrive eye's were still in confusion, while the more stale were full of tears that rolled down their cheeks. I continued walking, now more excited an nervous. Was this it? What is going on?

I entered the classroom knowing there was one of the few TVs in the school inside. But I walked in only to find it crowded by hovering adults, also with tears and confusion. I and a few other students stretched our necks to see above their shoulders. I caught only one glimpse just as, what seemed to be, a plane crashed into a tall building, adding to the black smoke that was already there. The teachers in full view gasped, and some turned to shoo us out of the room.
We sat in the hall…my curiosity burning…my nervousness heightening. What is going on? What is happening?

Later, my teacher lectured all day about the events of the morning. Most of us didn't understand what was happening. All these new words. Suddenly I'm hearing….Terrorists..Hijacking...World Trade Center.. death…war.

What does it all mean?

I went home a little frightened. My step dad's mother was there. After several phone calls, she took the family over to the hospital to meet my mother.

After holding my newest sibling, little Emily, the fears of the day completely vanished. All I could remember was this little miracle in my arms. I passed her on and someone said, "Of all days this beautiful baby could be born, why today? Why on such a horrible day?"

The little boy beside me answers, "Maybe heaven is getting too crowded today and she had to come…"