Blind Trust.

What happens when you can’t find yourself anymore? Where you feel as if you’re doing a poor job of masquerading as yourself. You’re not sure the difference from one minute to the next but you’re sure it’s there somewhere. All you know is there is some difference… there’s something that makes you feel like you’re crazy. Pure Madness raging around inside your bitter glazed veins.

Just keep walking the empty streets on an empty, cloud-covered Sunday with a vacant mind. Mingle with bodies of air that aren’t really there. Biting, wintry artic all around you in the middle of June. Nothing makes sense.

Run through those empty streets in an involuntary panic, searching. Searching.

You’re deaf save for the sound of “you’ll never find” in a whisper that tickles your nose. Tickles with a cruel mockery.
Darkness falls, and you’re blind. Blind except for the single light always just out of reach. You can almost hear it snickering at your pitiable fumbling. “You’ll never catch up.”

Someone sincerely says, “I love you” and you’re heart stops. Defibrillator. Quick. What can you do?
No, not you. It’s not you. You’re not there. You’re lost. You’re gone. You’re floating in a murky canal somewhere. You’re buried in the backyard of the only shack on St. Jude St. You’re falling out the 110th story of a building you jumped out of. You’re hiding in a white box made of rice paper and tissues.
Must be someone else.
Don’t try to confuse me with your sweet words of compassion. “Let me help you.”
Temptation to believe in something beautiful amidst the ugly.
“I love you. I can help you find. Let me.”
Go away.

"If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person?" ~Chuck Palahniuk

liberation

Remember this as the day you truly fucked up your life. Remember this as the day you came to your best and worst realizations. Remember this as the day you agonizingly gave up half of yourself and regenerated a fresh new right ventricle, pulsing and sparkling with potential.
Inevitable, it was; The deterioration of your body, your mind. You didn’t expect it to arrive so fast. It shouldn’t. It wasn’t fair. But it happened, and it’s gone and passed now.

While your yearning for the numbness of surrender, thrashing about in a pain that deep down you really wanted, you couldn’t just think it way. Like I’ve always said, just needed to embrace the pain. You can’t allow your imagination to become a reality that doesn’t exist. Cannot allow yourself to be fooled into believing in a reality that doesn’t, and never has existed.

It’s not real, it’s in your head, it’s meant to be forgotten as a child, just imagination, just empty, meaningless words and dreams, They say.
Okay, I trust you.
But they don’t go away.

Bullshit. Fight the urge to live out a pathetic excuse for a life in a mirage of chaos and utopia intertwined in a giant linked-hands peace sign. You control your life, mind, and self. This ubiquitous “they” does not exist. Does not control. Does not function as a body its own. Forget.
It’s all been a test. A test you put yourself through. Not some God living in your dark dusty attic. Not the infamous “they”. Not those high class chumps with their stiff white shirts and ties who genuinely believe they own the world. Not some demonic creature you conjure up so often that you begin to believe in its words, ways, and actions.
No. These are all portions of your self. Remember this. Accept this. Know this. Only then can you move on and begin to understand the purpose for, and how to utilize, this new right ventricle. It seems foreign…but close your eyes and reach for it. Let it hold you close and trust it, because it’s an annexed wing of yourself. You can’t live without a single person to trust…so trust yourself. Go on and let yourself grope through the dark, panic rising, and love it. Love every second of it. Take refuge in the foggy blindness of no plans.

Think of what this new beginning is for you. Did you notice that it is freedom? Not to be feared? You are free from unrest. Fear is the main driving force behind all of this turbulence.
Stop thinking Evil is after you. What is evil anyway? Simply the absence of good, light. It’s the opposite of that which is deemed “positive”. It’s the absence of empathy itself. Man’s general incapacity to feel with their fellow man. It is not material. It does not live, think, or seek out to jinx you.

Enjoy this. Don’t fear it. You can’t stop time to avoid impending unsure seconds of your life. Embrace it.
Think of it while you’re lying in bed in the morning, with the sun’s rays just beginning to touch your face, the sky already a brilliant, limpid blue. Being able to love that radiant sun, and appreciate its awesome power, despite its gift of destruction. And be grateful.
Think of it while you’re walking down the puddle littered streets. Watch the people. How their faces look blank. They look on like mindless robots addicted to the newly concocted, malicious, man-eating, artificial, labor-saving gadgets of our technological world. They blankly look at their shoes stepping over soggy cigarette butts and wonder about the next thing on their to-do list. And be grateful.
Grateful you’re deterioration came early to provide you with a new mind, ready for an enlightened upbringing.

Stop thinking you’re better than everyone else now that you know you’ve been blessed. Rather, pity yourself for having the knowledge of reality forced into your brain.
Oh how quick you are to be reminded of your past, you’re almost-mistakes. Forget your past. Let it go. Forget. Forget. Forget. You were killed and given new life. A new prospective purity. Run with it. Fall with it. Fly with it.

http://pop.youtube.com/watch?v=tYBLjEaDFDE